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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect money gifts before baby not after

80 replies

grumpydopeysleepy · 09/11/2010 17:18

DPs and DPILs were overjoyed to hear they were going to be grandparents, and said early on they'd rather just give us money so we could get what we needed. Due date has arrived and we're all ready for baby.

We've had to just go ahead and buy everything ourselves (mostly 2nd hand) as neither offer has materialised. I'm sure once baby pops out they'll get round to it and I'd never dream of mentioning it, but it might have made a difference to what we could afford. I don't mind 2nd hand but would have liked certain things new, especially as we hope to go on to have more children.

Am I allowed to be just a bit miffed?

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpydopeysleepy · 09/11/2010 20:46

To me its weird that both sets of parents have done exactly the same thing but are on different continents and have never met. I thought when I posted that others might have had the same experience.

We both have good relationships with our folks and if we were struggling they'd always help out. But from an etiquette point of view I feel we didn't have much choice but to decide to forget about their offers and shop within a certain budget.

OP posts:
Dando · 09/11/2010 20:49

The newborn baby stuff is just the beginning believe me. That may be their reasoning. You might be happy to have a bit of cashers for later on - high chair etc

And as per all other posters - you really don't need much for a newborn.

BubsMaw · 09/11/2010 20:53

Haven't read the whole thread, but I know some people prefer not to give gifts before the baby arrives because of superstition, same logic as not wanting a pram in the house before baby safely popped out.

My DH was telling me about his colleague's PIL. who arrived one day while she was still PG and laid a grand in cash out on the table. They were all a bit Shock and DH's thoughts on it all were that they were being a bit previous, tempting fate and all that. Like many folks I'm not superstitious myself though.

Original poster
grumpydopeysleepy · 09/11/2010 20:54

They're not superstitious about baby stuff, all along they've been asking if we're all set and we've mentioned things we've been shopping for. Every time it's the same 'oh yeah, we were going to send you a cheque' with the intention always being that they'd send it before.

OP posts:
FanjoKazooie · 09/11/2010 21:08

YADefNBU

The 'expect' in your title refers to 'before / after' rather than 'gift' if I read you correctly. The offer of the gift has been made, and so to 'expect' that this offer would be followed through at a sensible time is perfectly reasonable.

It is also reasonable for grandparents to want to contribute a significant gift for their imminent gc, and reasonable for the parents to be to accept! I don't understand the logic that it is a moral failing if the parents allow grandparents to buy the 'large items'.

In some ways it has done you a favour though, to have second hand stuff is fine, you really don't need to spend a fortune on baby things. I would put it in savings so you can spend it on large items in the future rather than it getting frittered away on day to day stuff. Maybe something that you will actually keep for a long time and so can remember the 'gift', like a really nice play house or something?

Original poster
grumpydopeysleepy · 09/11/2010 21:45

Fanjo, thanks- I think money can be a bit of a let down as a gift when you find yourself paying the electric bill with it, or buying a week's shopping. It can be a big help, but its nicer to be able to put it towards something special. Will try and do that, or put it in trust fund.

OP posts:
emptyshell · 09/11/2010 21:57

The wording of your title is very bad... almost as if you're taking the "here I am, baby money now please" line. The actual post is much different - possibly the reason for a lot of the YABUs.

Title - yes you're unreasonable and being a bit of a mummyzilla (it's like a bridezilla but with bump/baby and no fancy white dress)
Post - six and two threes.

FanjoKazooie · 09/11/2010 22:05

Oh god don't put it in a child trust fund.

I inherited some money when I was 18 and spent it all on booze, fags and supernoodles.

I really wish my parents had reinvested it and given it to me when I wanted to buy a house when I was a proper grown up!

mumeeee · 09/11/2010 22:08

YABU. You don't need a huge amount of stuff at first.

Meglet · 09/11/2010 22:11

YANBU.

If they are offering to buy you things for the baby then it makes sense for them to get it before it arrives. All the big stuff needs to be ordered in advance.

ladylobster · 09/11/2010 22:16

YABVU with nobs on

Last time I checked pregnancy was just that and not Christmas

A child is for life and not gifts, if you can't afford one without gifts then don't have one, simples, what is it with wanting a gift for every occasion?!

2shoes · 09/11/2010 22:17

yabu

gorionine · 09/11/2010 22:20

I really do not understand where the problem is, you spent some money nd they will give you some surely it will like you had not spent as much because you will in some way get your money back?

MoralDefective · 09/11/2010 22:25

Can't help but say YABU,and rude..
Just because you have had to buy some stuff doesn't mean that their money won't be useful.
Spend it on a pram/buggy.
Nice things for the baby's bedroom,clothes,nappies.

lady lobster is right...if you can't afford a baby then don't have one.(apart from saying 'simples')

autodidact · 09/11/2010 22:28

When are you due?

zipzap · 09/11/2010 22:50

Also remember that some big ticket things like prams and car seats can take a while to come into stock.

Sometimes you can be lucky - but if you particularly want one rather than another then you might have to wait. Which could be a pain if you end up having to wait 6 weeks for whatever it is you want and can't go out for walks or drives in the mean time... Or you had to rush out (or even worse, send dh and/or pil) and buy one and get one that you really didn't like and that annoyed you every time you then went to use it.

when ds1 was born we were limited by our car boot size as to which pram we could buy - boot was very small so we had to get one that was small enough to go in it. There were only two that fitted - we chose the one that we liked best and and the shortest delivery time - supposed to be in a couple of months before the baby was due. And it was a travel system that also included the car seat that we liked, all seemed good.

It eventually turned up almost a week after the baby was born - I ended up in hospital for several days but if I hadn't been - I'd have been scuppered. It turned up 9 weeks later than we'd been told it would - imagine if we had ordered it with 3 weeks to spare and it had been 9 weeks late - nightmare!

togarama · 09/11/2010 22:53

"I'm sure all these people who think you ABU had nothing but a vest and hat in the house before their children were born, spent absolutely no time at all planning for thier children, buying 'just one thing' so they could sit and look at it, and dream about their baby, and in fact bought everything in the week after it was born, whilst simoultaneously establishing breast feeding, and catching up on the lost hour or two of sleep after the birth"

Yes, this is correct. I didn't waste any of my time doing this - I just looked forward to meeting the baby. Fine if this floats your boat but but fantasising about "stuff" doesn't appeal to everyone.

Realistically babies just need to be fed, cleaned, kept warm and loved. If you're giving birth in hospital and travelling home by car (and not everyone does) then you'll need a carseat. Everything else is nice but not actually necessary.

My advice to the OP is still to get only basics in before the birth. You may find that you need less than you think, or something slightly different. There's always internet shopping if you're not up to going out. (And there's always a chance that you will have a quick recovery and be happy to get out and about.)

SirBoobAlot · 09/11/2010 22:56

I can slightly see your point, but generally think you're being very ungrateful.

GiddyPickle · 09/11/2010 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Casmama · 09/11/2010 23:08

Great post starnosemole. I read the title and was coming on to say YABU but then read your Op and realised it was the grandparents who have offered, repeatedly mention sending a cheque and then don't. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and that many posters are being pretty pompous. Stopping on the way home from the hospital to buy a pram is just fucking mental.

Porcelain · 09/11/2010 23:17

If yours grows at anything like the rate mine has, you will be buying more babygros every 2 months, so you will still need the money. At that point as well, assuming you work, your wages will have dried up and you will have a much lower income, so those gifts will be all the more important. Unless they were promising hundreds of pounds to get everything in place YABU.

If on the other hand they were offering money to buy something specific you really need in advance (like a car seat, which you can't drive baby home from hospital without) then that would be inconsiderate of them not to follow up.

New baby need vests, babygros (cheap white ones from matalan will do, mine outgrew NB size in a month) and a place to sleep. Disposable nappies will do to start with, we use cloth nappies but you don't want to be washing meconium out of them, you won't use them in hospital and you won't want to be putting a daily wash on when you first get home, we bought a 60 pack of disposables and started on the cloth when we ran out.

gorionine · 09/11/2010 23:32

Op, coul it be as ell that they thought if they gave you the money first you would maybe not get exactly what you want because they might not give enough and that they actually expect you to tell them exactly how much you spent to give you exactly that money and no less (if that makes any sense)Just a thought.

gorionine · 09/11/2010 23:32

Sorry for typos I think it is time for bebSmile

gorionine · 09/11/2010 23:33

or bed even!Blush

A1980 · 09/11/2010 23:33

30 years ago people didnt buy £800 pram systems, designer baby clothes, expensive furniture, they'd get the essentials and not bothered what they were like.

How much expensive stuff does a baby need? A few baby clothes aren't that expensive unless you're buying Dior, a cot lasts all of 2-2.5 years per child, ditto the buggy. Then what happens to all of the expensive stuff you bought? Consigned to the attic or charity shop.

If they do give you money after the birth, you can put it in the bank for your child. Never know when you might need it.

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