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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect money gifts before baby not after

80 replies

grumpydopeysleepy · 09/11/2010 17:18

DPs and DPILs were overjoyed to hear they were going to be grandparents, and said early on they'd rather just give us money so we could get what we needed. Due date has arrived and we're all ready for baby.

We've had to just go ahead and buy everything ourselves (mostly 2nd hand) as neither offer has materialised. I'm sure once baby pops out they'll get round to it and I'd never dream of mentioning it, but it might have made a difference to what we could afford. I don't mind 2nd hand but would have liked certain things new, especially as we hope to go on to have more children.

Am I allowed to be just a bit miffed?

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/11/2010 17:52

YABU - it's a GIFT FFS.
Also you'll find that you need things as you're going along and the crap essentials you bought before the birth are mostly useless anyway.

Don't understand the need to buy things in advance beyond the basics unless you live in the Outer Hebrides or somewhere.

I also know plenty of people who bought their pram, etc AFTER the birth. Some even stopped off on the way home from hospital!

FakePlasticTrees · 09/11/2010 18:08

YANBU - I had to be quite direct with my parents, who didn't believe I should have anything baby related in the house before having DS as it would be bad luck. They said when I was in hospital they'd go shopping with DH and get everything for me. I pointed out I wouldn't be in for a fortnight as it was in 'their day', if I was only there for a day or so I wanted DH with me, not trailing round the shops with them/putting together flat pack furniture, and that DS was due the first week of January, he could turn up early and they'd be trying to do this all on a bank holiday/first day of the sales when it's all a bit mental. (I was right, he turned up on Christmas day...)

So i told them not to bother, we'd get what we wanted, delivered in advance and pay for it ourselves to avoid the last minute hassle. They changed their minds and gave me a cheque, which I wasn't expecting after all their fuss (but my Dad tried to argue that we should keep everything - including nappies - in the garage to avoid bad luck)

Some people are happy to wait until the last minute, but most mums want at least the basics in advance, that include the big ticket items like a pram, car seat (sooo expensive!), furniture for the baby's room (assuming you don't already have chest of drawers etc you can use), somewhere for the DC to sleep, things to sleep in etc. And if you are being told you are going to get money, but not how much, then how do you preorder anything?

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/11/2010 18:37

YABVU, your child - upto you to finance the child and the things you need for a baby.

Original poster
grumpydopeysleepy · 09/11/2010 18:37

Feeling a bit Blush and :( now. Glad to have a bit of support. Maybe IABU but I'll put it down to the hormones.

We don't have a lot of space and everything we've got would be considered 'basics'. There's no nursery to decorate as we only have one bedroom. But we definitely wanted to have it all here, set up and clothes/nappies/linen all washed beforehand. I hate shopping at the best of times and like to research stuff and get the best deal on things. Going round town days after giving birth sounds awful to me.

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/11/2010 18:41

Sorry GDS. YA allowed to BU as you are 9 months pregnant. Smile

Fibilou · 09/11/2010 18:41

Hmmm, I'm going to sit on the fence here as it's ungrateful but I totally see your point.

You will, however, discover things you need that you haven't bought, just as you will discover that lots of things you have bought are a total waste of space & money. You could use the money for these

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 09/11/2010 18:43

Put the money towards a bed/cotbed and nursery furniture, if you've bought it all already pay off your bill.

I think YABU as we bought everything for DD and any money we recieved went to her bond :)

ZombiePlan · 09/11/2010 18:55

I knew you'd get lots of YABU responses, but actually I see your point. If they didn't want to give money they shouldn't keep offering. If they do want to, then it would be sensible to give it when actually required. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to get everything purchased prior to the baby's arrival - some people (including me) are just not comfortable unless they have planned well ahead. It's not, IMO, wise to plan to traipse round town when you have a newborn - you may want to rest and if BFing you might feel more comfortable staying at home till you've got the hang of feeding in public.

Have to admit I may be a leetle biased - my (usually nice) MIL made a huge song and dance about it being her family tradition for thre grandparents to buy a pram. So although my parents and grandmother had both wanted to buy it, we said she could buy it as it clearly meant so much to her. So MIL went around telling everyone she was buying the pram for us. No pram arrived. In the end, we thought it was getting a bit close time-wise and we ordered - and paid for - the pram ourselves. MIL then changed her mind (so much for family traditions, then). My family were really sad when they realised what had happened as they had wanted to buy it for us. MIL still hasn't bought DS anything, either (which is a bit annoying, as all her family think she's coughed up for the pram!).

togarama · 09/11/2010 19:03

YABU.

I reckon it's pretty rude to "expect" a gift anyway, money or other stuff. A gift is a gift - you get what you're given and appreciate it (or sell it on eBay...)

Like several pps, I'd advise first time mothers to wait until after baby is born to buy the bulk of the baby stuff.

My mum posted us a ton of second hand baby clothes before DD was born and they were really handy. A good friend posted me some of her slings to borrow so I could try them out before buying. We also subscribed to a nappy laundry service and got our first week's supply of nappies dropped off.

Apart from that, we didn't buy anything baby related before DD was born on the grounds that we didn't really know what else we would need.

It turned out that we didn't need much at all. I'm pretty glad not to have lots of useless baby-tat cluttering up our flat now. I know loads of people who've spent £££ on things they never used or used for only the first couple of weeks.

PaisleyLeaf · 09/11/2010 19:05

There will still be plenty of things to pay for when your baby's here. If they do give you money I would think it should be very much appreciated.

MerryMarigold · 09/11/2010 19:07

YABU. There is very little you actually need at the start...later there are some big costs eg. a stage 2 carseat and clothes once all the newborn/ 0-3 presents that people overwhelm you with are grown out of!

piscesmoon · 09/11/2010 19:09

I can't see why you need it beforehand-as it is it has done you a favour by getting it second hand. It is one time that you can get away with it-the baby couldn't care!
Use the money when slightly older and you really need it.

starnosemole · 09/11/2010 19:24

I'm sure all these people who think you ABU had nothing but a vest and hat in the house before their children were born, spent absolutely no time at all planning for thier children, buying 'just one thing' so they could sit and look at it, and dream about their baby, and in fact bought everything in the week after it was born, whilst simoultaneously establishing breast feeding, and catching up on the lost hour or two of sleep after the birth Hmm(that's if they were allowed out of hospital without a car seat)

Yes, if we all walked around expecting gifts and pounds raining down on us throughout pregnancy we would be being rude and ungrateful, but I am at a loss to which verb you should use if someone has told you you will be getting some money. How are you being rude to expect your parents to give you something they told you they were going to give you? Why is it strange that grandparents will help out with their grandchildren? I'm sure many don't or can't, but it is the social norm, in this country.

In short, YANBU, YAdefNBVU, you are maybe slightly wimpy to not have taken it up with them, and have had enough time to work out subtle ways of dropping hints, but as others have said- in a mostly deeply patronising manner- you will find lots of lovely things to spend the money on if you do get it, and if you don't, you'll still have your baby, so it'll be ok anyway Smile
Good Luck!

piscesmoon · 09/11/2010 19:26

If they told you that they were giving money then you could have suggested that it might by handy earlier.

DuelingFanjo · 09/11/2010 19:26

What did your parents contribute?

CrazyPlateLady · 09/11/2010 19:29

YANBU!!

They offered to give you money to buy stuff with. Surely that would have been put towards things like a cot and pushchair, things that you need before. Last thing you want to do is go out after and buy stuff like that.

MerryBlessings · 09/11/2010 19:44

YANBU. You're not expecting a gift, you were told you would be getting one. I'm sorry but newborns need much more than a babygro and some nappies.

piscesmoon · 09/11/2010 19:52

Maybe they were waiting for you to make the first move and take up their offer with a definite something to buy.

SkyBluePearl · 09/11/2010 19:55

I think if they promised money they should have followed through mid pregnancy. Now you are having difficulties working out how much to spend as you are unsure if they are plannning to give you anything at all. I think it's unthoughtful of them to stress a pregnant woman out - it really doesn't take a rocket scintentist to work out that you will need to buy some big bits of equipment before the birth.

SkyBluePearl · 09/11/2010 19:58

Can you tell them you are starting to buy equipment but also need to plan your finances? Ask if they are still giving you money/how much/when as you are worrying about it all. They are your parents after all and you need to have an honest conversation.

SkyBluePearl · 09/11/2010 20:00

Alternativly find a pram you like and give them the details - ask them if they can help you with the cost..

pozzled · 09/11/2010 20:03

I think YANBU. If they offered then it is reasonable for them to have given the money before the baby arrived.

I am surprised that most people seem to recommend shopping after the birth- I was very glad to have everything ready when DD arrived, would have hated to go shopping with a newborn. I don't think we bought anything else until we started weaning, and the most expensive things- cot, travel system- were needed before she arrived.

stressheaderic · 09/11/2010 20:15

A week after DD was born, I stood in Tesco for half an hour deliberating over which biscuits to buy.
I was def not up to researching and buying a pram/cot/carseat.

YANBU at all. I'd be hurt that they hadn't followed through with their offer, hormones or otherwise.

HappyMummyOfOne · 09/11/2010 20:26

"I'm sure all these people who think you ABU had nothing but a vest and hat in the house before their children were born, spent absolutely no time at all planning for thier children, buying 'just one thing' so they could sit and look at it, and dream about their baby, and in fact bought everything in the week after it was born, whilst simoultaneously establishing breast feeding, and catching up on the lost hour or two of sleep after the birth"

No, some of us actually thought that buying the baby items was down to us as parents. Any extras boughts as gifts are lovely but the basics should be down to the parents.

MumNWLondon · 09/11/2010 20:30

YABU.

You need very little before the baby was born and maybe they are a bit superstitious.

Ok, you need carseat and moses basket/crib, but not really anything else.

Also did you mention it to them again? My parents and PIL also said this, so when we were buying stuff we asked what they each wanted. Neither gave money until after DD was born.

And DH's grandma wanted to buy something but didn't mention until after baby was born so she bought highchair.

Also "expect" doesn't sit nicely with gift. To "expect" anything before is totally presumptious.