to resent DP for the situation we are in?

[lola0109]

Quick back story. DP qualified in nursing in February of this year after a 3 year course, I was main breadwinner (he received bursary so contributed to bills etc). During this time DD1 was born, I had to return to work early from maternity leave due to financial constraints. DD2 arrived in Aril this year and DP struggled to find employment due to the restructure of NHS and the cap on jobs.

Eventually he found a job in private sector but was quick to realise (after about 2 days) that it wasn?t for him. He assured me though that he could stick it out for a year or until something else came along. It was good hours and very good money.

6 weeks down the line he was very miserable and actually came home from work in tears one day! I?ve never seen DP cry in the 8 years we?ve been together (except when DD?s were born). He had become very depressed in these 6 weeks and his mood was awful in the house and the time he was at home was horrendous so on that last day I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he hated it and couldn?t go back, so I agreed but on the condition I was not going back to work early this time so he would need to do everything he could to ensure mortgage/bills etc get paid.

So he has been working bank aide shifts and part time work since and about 4 weeks ago he started a new job, still not what he wants to do, not great hours, very little money so he still needs to do the bank shifts. BUT it?s a job, he has to think himself lucky as some people don?t even have that! He was fine the first week but the past 3 weeks have been the same as before, not quite as bad but all I hear when he?s at home is about how bad the workplace/staff are, how much he dislikes the job etc etc.

He is currently working up to 6 days a week, 12 hour days. So he?s not home a lot but when he is he just moans. He never sees the DD?s as he leaves at 6am and is home at 9pm, after travelling to and from work. This breaks his heart, I know this and it also upsets the DD?s.

Now, I KNOW he works hard and I KNOW he?s doing the best for his family but I just can?t take the moaning anymore!! He constantly goes on about having no money, I know this. I am stuck in most days with the DD?s as we have no petrol in the car and the weather is awful and I can?t afford to take them anywhere. We are just about keeping our heads above the water with the mortgage etc! I am doing EVERYTHING at home, but he makes things so difficult like misplacing forms that we need, forgetting peoples birthdays. He isn?t the slightest bit interested in Christmas! I?m potty training DD1 (who is a star), I?m weaning DD2 (another star). Neither are good sleepers so I?m having at the most 5 hours a night and that?s not even uninterrupted sleep!!

It came to a head last week though, I returned to work for 1 day a week, so when he came home on Wednesday he didn?t even ask about my day so I had to offer him the information and started to tell him a story, to which I got a sneer and you think your day was hard! NO IT WASN?T actually! It was fun being around adult company and not listening to moaning!!! Anyway, I was so angry as I listen to him day in day out! It?s really getting me down. A couple of nights ago he came home and went straight to bed, not because he was tired, but because he has no cigarettes left and he couldn?t sit up without them! He couldn?t sit up to spend a night with his girlfriend as he had no cigarettes!  When he got home last night I couldn?t even speak to him, I just had absolutely nothing to say!

A couple of months back DD1 ?created? a new friend called Gizmo. Gizmo goes everywhere and if DD gets into trouble ?gizmo did it?. This didn?t bother me as I had an imaginary friend as a child, who came along when my DB went to school. But yesterday when we were in the car she was playing with Gizmo and then created a new friend called ?daddy? it broke my heart!! So Gizmo and Daddy were in the car playing and being told off for fighting and then kissing each other. Poor child misses her dad so much she?s had to create a new one!! 

I don?t really know where I?m going with all this as I just need to get it out. I just feel that due to his choices the whole family is now suffering and our relationship is suffering (don?t even get me started on our sex life) and his own mental health is suffering. He is a fantastic hands on father when he is there and the girls dote on him. DD2, 7 mo, has even started saying Dada! 

I should point out that this situation couldn?t be resolved by me going back to work as my wages would then be spent on childcare. I am going back part time in January but I should also point out that I HATE my job, but I realise it?s something we have to do!

I just wish he could get a job in the field he qualified and do reasonable hours for reasonable pay to spend a reasonable amount of time at home. I?m not being unreasonable am I?

Yanbu and your dh sounds immature.

When I qualified in general nursing I spent 2 years in the most stressful area doing shit shifts. I hated it but did it to provide for my dcs.

kitten its general he's doing just now but its not really what he trained for. I don't mean that to sound snobby, like hes not general he's mental health, but its a different course, same first year and then a specialised further 2 years so there are a lot of things that he can't actually do.

The good thing about this job is that he is getting a lot of training in general ares so when he goes for new job it'll look great on his cv.

emmy i don't know if you read the whole thread, if so and you still feel like that then i'm sorry but I know people who have put up with less!

Sounds like you're both resentful, tired and stressed. Only by working together through it can a happy conclusion be reached. It takes effort to stay positive through difficult times, but look at the alternatives.

Good luck. x

I think from what I gather, it is not just a matter of him hating his job. He is now in a position where it is making him depressed and judging by the amount of hours you say he is working as well (12 hours a day 6 days a week) he does not get time to recharge is batteries.

It is easy to say "I hate my job but stuck with it,..."(note quoting anyone, just a general feeling I got from several posters) but we all have different levels of "copability" (sure there is a proper word, just not coming to my mind yet) and I tink @the moment this working regime is far too much for your DH, he does not seem to cope and needs more help and support I think.

emmy - to be fair, the OP went back to work early with her first DC, in order to support her DH. Why should she have to do that twice, because her DH has maybe made the wrong chioce career wise?

I sympathise with you both. he sounds depressed to me, but you are also not having an easy time. Living with someone who is struggling puts enormous pressure on the person who is 'okay'. I agree that it might be a good idea for you to either take voluntary redundancy (if that's possible) or return to work full time, so your DH could look after the DC and maybe do some night shifts to keep his hand in.

YANBU
I am surprised you are getting such a hard time from some other posters
You supported the whole family so he could study for 3 years for his dream job and he gave it a SIX WEEKS before deciding he'd throw away those 3 years and not want to work in that industry any more?? Did he not have any idea what career he was actually studying to get into??
So then you supported him when he quit that job and got a lower paid 'in the mean time' job and he still moans about his lot all the time?
I'd be furious to be honest.

I think for now the idea of you both working 3 days a week and spending the rest of the time with the DCs (and no child care costs!) would be perfect. Until one or the other of you finds a job thats better money and more enjoyable and then that person can go full time.

YANBU - your husband needs to grow up. You have supported him emotionally and the family financially for three years whislt he retrains and now he has had two jobs which he doesn't like enough to stick out

Reality is the real world is tough, work is tough, long hours and crappy conditions are often par for the course in NQ positions regardless of the area. He needs to step up, look at the long term and pull himself together.

Very similar situation here (but I actually love my job).

DP supported me through 3 years of Uni for me to train as a MH nurse. Not only financially, but also making sure that our kids were looked after while I 'neglected' them to spend days/weeks/months (especially when doing my dissertation). I did work as a 'bank HCA' alongside my course, but only commiting to one shift a week. It was very tough, very tough and I would not have been able to complete my course without his support.

I was fortunate enough to get my 'dream job' straight away ( I work in Forensics). Its a very hard area of MH to work in and very stressful- that said - I love it.

which area of the UK are you?- Instead of doing a PT job and a bit of bank- he may be better off just joining a private nursing agency which tend to pay more hourly rates.

If I hated my job, I still think I would owe it to my family to stick it out until something else came along - making sure I kept up with all possible jobs. My family sacrificed a lot for me to do my degree.

hope he finds something-

Can you suggest to your DP that he has half an hour or an hour to talk about work and moan as much as he likes when he comes home each evening and then he will put it to one side and not talk about it for the rest of the evening.

It might be good for him to feel that work is not in his head and consuming everything all his waking hours. You could also explain that you feel frustrated that you are both stuck in this situation for now and that it is upsetting to you that you are so powerless to help him.

If he is able to limit the time he needs to let off steam your sympathy might not be attracted so thin.

I can see both sides here.

I agree with thistle, that his " moaning time" could be limited then you can relax togther once the kids are in bed.

Even if its half an hour before bed to just unwind

Thanks for all your posts. I'm going to sit him down tonight!

DP has always been the more sensible and organised one but lately thats went out the window.

For example when we bought our house all bills etc were in DP's name so when he started studying we just kept it that way and I gave him the cash to cover bills. I had bad debt from student days and we couldn't get a joint account.

He told me last week that the cable bill wouldn't get paid, fine, not on top of our priorities. But when I came home tonight I found a bank shift form that he hasn't handed in with 2 shifts on it, thats over £200!! I think he has lost a grasp on whats coming in and out. I'll sit him down and sort this out so we get a true balance and see what income is needed and maybe he can drop back on shifts this way!

Lola, i hate saying this but if he works 6 days/12hrs a day then the bills should be your responsibility. And potty training and weaning is part of the game.

You are both very tired and it would be pitty to get it on each other as you both are doing your best. Have a good talk and try to support him.

laquitar i think you're right, it was easier that way 5 years ago but obviously things have changed and I'm no longer a debt ridden student thankfully.

Off to stick his dinner on!

lola - can I just say you've done brilliantly on this thread
your choices have been criticised but you don't take the hump and have a moddy sulk unlike your dh
I really honestly feel he's lucky to have someone like you who cares about him
chin up love, don't let life grind you down xxx

Thanks bigchris your last post just made me cry! God, I'm just so tired!!

Anyway, DP just phoned and sounded off for 10 mins as thats him just finished, 40 mins later than he was supposed to. He was sitting deicing car! So I said well thats 10 minutes of your half hour you've used up!

I think the place he is in is just so disorganised, last week he didn't know his shifts until the saturday! How can anyone work around that?

We've had a tough year so I know we can get through this but I've just spent the whole year trying to make the situations we've been in seem better, you know, see the silver lining and I'm tired. I just want to sleep for a week!

I think writing this thread and reading some of the replies I've started feeling a bit sorry for him again and less angry. More frustrated now, i think he is trying to solve the financial situation but not the right way! He doesn't like to accept help, my dad has offered us money and we're using one of his cars just now but DP wants to do it all. My mum took me out last week and bought me some new clothes and a new coat, knowing if she gave me money I'd spend it on the kids or bills. When I got home I could see DP eyeing it up and calculating the cost, he said, oh its alright for some I've not had new clothes in years!! Eh, you've also not been pregnant with two massive babies and breastfed in the last 3 years either, I needed new clothes as my figure has been ruined has changed so much!

Hopefully we can sit and discuss it tonight and then try and have a nice night tomorrow, god bless my MIL as she's taking the kids overnight! Maybe a full 8 hours uninterrupted sleep after a bit of you know what is all we need :)

OP-glad things are looking clearer.

Can I just ask-does he not want to work in the field he trained in anymore?

Thanks everyone for all your posts, I was a bit worried that everyone would reply saying he is a twat, get rid! :)

So we sat last night and talked, took a while to get him to open up but basically he isn't too bothered about working long hours but he is upset at missing me and the kids. But he just isn't enjoying his job as he feels that he is 33, he had years of support worker experience before training, he got a degree with distinction and all he can get is work in a care home. He actually doesn't hate his job, is just slipping further away from what he trained for. But he did admit that he was probably moaning a lot, but he also said that he felt I didn't listen to him seriously and just ignored him when he spoke about work, which to be honest the past few weeks I have! So we agreed that he can moan for half an hour when he gets in and that on his days off, he can mention work, but not MOAN!! its the situation we're in until something else comes up so we need to deal with as best we can.

BUT here's the kicker, we sat with our outgoings and his incomings and since he finished in February he has been getting emergency tax in his jobs!!! Crazy!!!! I asked how he didn't know, he just shrugged. So he'll sort that out tomorrow and hopefully he can drop at least one bank shift a week.

He also said that he wanted too much too soon. He wanted to get me a ring, we need a new car, its my 30th in January and he was trying to save up for that! :( I explained that we would prefer him there with us than having all they things. They will come with time. He said that after the birth of DD2 he got such a fright, I lost 3.5l of blood and was in theatre for 3 hours, it was touch and go and he said that made him feel guilty that he wasn't giving me what i "wanted".

I explained that there is no point in me walking about with a fancy ring from my DP if I never got to spend time with him, to be honest we've been together 8 years and had 2 children, getting married isn't high on my priorities!

So basically I think he has lost a grasp on reality a bit. He kept saying I should speak to someone about my birth incase I had PTSD, but tbh I was out for the count for it so it hasn't really affected me, do you think he has a touch of it??

I'm hoping that things have now been resolved and a bit of pressure is off his shoulders. So we're getting ready for his graduation now, I'm in a dress I haven't worn for ages, with the aid of spanx he looks handsome in his suit and my dad got vouchers for a restaurant for his 50th last month that he has kindly given us, so a night out tonight, full night sleep then tomorrow we'll pick up kids from MIL and take them out for the day! Hopefully thiongs will get better from here!

Oh and last night after we talked he got laptop out and i said yoiu're not looking for a job now are you, he said no I'm, researching bikes for DD1's christmas

I'm glad you talked it through.

It sounds like he felt guilty about what happen with dd2 birth and not being able to help you, and everything has got blown out all proportion.

DH got a bit like this when I was car jacked and then a week later we had heavy snow and it took me over 6 hours to do a 30min journey. It took along time for him to stop feeling like he had let me down for not being there.

Enjoy today and your day out tomorrow.

Have fab night out!!

Hi I am terrible at giving any advice but you have my sympathy the going to bed because he doesn't have any cigarettes for the night really hit a nerve with me my exp used to do this along with loads of other crap eg moaning and complaining if life wasn't going exactly his way. Its like he is passing the no cigarettes problem onto you somehow and then you think really life with me is that bad you literally can't cope if you don't have cigarettes?!. Its just not nice to do that. I am quite sure he wouldn't do that to any one else.

Its great that he has retrained, its great that is is working long hours for his family but it doesn't give him the right to moan and complain to you all the time. What does he hope to achieve by doing this? You are doing all you can as is he but instead of working together and facing difficult times together he is working against you.

Lots of people have tough jobs with long hours, lots of people don't like their jobs but they don't but they don't behave like this to their families the world would not work if they did. People get on with it and maybe have the odd moan to loved ones but not everyday so you feel like you are being blamed for the situation and they don't have a who works the hardest or is the most tired competition when their DW after their first day back after maternity leave.

Glad you've had a proper talk. Hopefully things will get better.