to resent DP for the situation we are in?

[lola0109]

Quick back story. DP qualified in nursing in February of this year after a 3 year course, I was main breadwinner (he received bursary so contributed to bills etc). During this time DD1 was born, I had to return to work early from maternity leave due to financial constraints. DD2 arrived in Aril this year and DP struggled to find employment due to the restructure of NHS and the cap on jobs.

Eventually he found a job in private sector but was quick to realise (after about 2 days) that it wasn?t for him. He assured me though that he could stick it out for a year or until something else came along. It was good hours and very good money.

6 weeks down the line he was very miserable and actually came home from work in tears one day! I?ve never seen DP cry in the 8 years we?ve been together (except when DD?s were born). He had become very depressed in these 6 weeks and his mood was awful in the house and the time he was at home was horrendous so on that last day I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he hated it and couldn?t go back, so I agreed but on the condition I was not going back to work early this time so he would need to do everything he could to ensure mortgage/bills etc get paid.

So he has been working bank aide shifts and part time work since and about 4 weeks ago he started a new job, still not what he wants to do, not great hours, very little money so he still needs to do the bank shifts. BUT it?s a job, he has to think himself lucky as some people don?t even have that! He was fine the first week but the past 3 weeks have been the same as before, not quite as bad but all I hear when he?s at home is about how bad the workplace/staff are, how much he dislikes the job etc etc.

He is currently working up to 6 days a week, 12 hour days. So he?s not home a lot but when he is he just moans. He never sees the DD?s as he leaves at 6am and is home at 9pm, after travelling to and from work. This breaks his heart, I know this and it also upsets the DD?s.

Now, I KNOW he works hard and I KNOW he?s doing the best for his family but I just can?t take the moaning anymore!! He constantly goes on about having no money, I know this. I am stuck in most days with the DD?s as we have no petrol in the car and the weather is awful and I can?t afford to take them anywhere. We are just about keeping our heads above the water with the mortgage etc! I am doing EVERYTHING at home, but he makes things so difficult like misplacing forms that we need, forgetting peoples birthdays. He isn?t the slightest bit interested in Christmas! I?m potty training DD1 (who is a star), I?m weaning DD2 (another star). Neither are good sleepers so I?m having at the most 5 hours a night and that?s not even uninterrupted sleep!!

It came to a head last week though, I returned to work for 1 day a week, so when he came home on Wednesday he didn?t even ask about my day so I had to offer him the information and started to tell him a story, to which I got a sneer and you think your day was hard! NO IT WASN?T actually! It was fun being around adult company and not listening to moaning!!! Anyway, I was so angry as I listen to him day in day out! It?s really getting me down. A couple of nights ago he came home and went straight to bed, not because he was tired, but because he has no cigarettes left and he couldn?t sit up without them! He couldn?t sit up to spend a night with his girlfriend as he had no cigarettes!  When he got home last night I couldn?t even speak to him, I just had absolutely nothing to say!

A couple of months back DD1 ?created? a new friend called Gizmo. Gizmo goes everywhere and if DD gets into trouble ?gizmo did it?. This didn?t bother me as I had an imaginary friend as a child, who came along when my DB went to school. But yesterday when we were in the car she was playing with Gizmo and then created a new friend called ?daddy? it broke my heart!! So Gizmo and Daddy were in the car playing and being told off for fighting and then kissing each other. Poor child misses her dad so much she?s had to create a new one!! 

I don?t really know where I?m going with all this as I just need to get it out. I just feel that due to his choices the whole family is now suffering and our relationship is suffering (don?t even get me started on our sex life) and his own mental health is suffering. He is a fantastic hands on father when he is there and the girls dote on him. DD2, 7 mo, has even started saying Dada! 

I should point out that this situation couldn?t be resolved by me going back to work as my wages would then be spent on childcare. I am going back part time in January but I should also point out that I HATE my job, but I realise it?s something we have to do!

I just wish he could get a job in the field he qualified and do reasonable hours for reasonable pay to spend a reasonable amount of time at home. I?m not being unreasonable am I?

Why don't you go back to work and let him look after the children full time and take a couple of bank/agency shifts a week to make up what his bursary used to provide.

YAB very unreasonable. Life doesn't follow plans and it's not like he wanted to have a shit work life. It's no wonder he's feeling low if he's having a lousy time working all hours and spending no time with his family to bring home very little money.

You want him to work, even though it makes him unhappy, so he works. You then have a go at him for not being happy or around for the children. He sounds depressed. You are full of resentment because he didn't stay in a job that made him unhappy. Is he not allowed to be weak and need you to support him for a while?

sympathies if you can't find a way out

I do struggle though to understand why people don't think through the financial implications of having a second child, and the additional childcare cost burden this will mean (or if one parent stays at home, the additional hours the other parent will need to work to compensate)

Who earns more, you or him? (on a FT basis)

narky I am supporting him, most of what I have said on here today i've not said to him! I knwo what its like to hate a job, I hate mine. Its not what I studied for but I can't just get up and leave but at 5pm I leave it at the door and go home and spend time with my family! I have never moaned at him for not being there for DC's as I know he hates being away from them!

He studied mental health with the plan of doing forensics/addictions etc but he can only get a job in a care home, and its more general nursing and not mental health. I think this is a main factor in him not liking the job. But TBH there are no jobs atm in what he wants to do!

I think I just want hime to admit he's unhappy and then we can sort it. But he won't admit that. AFAIK there is nothing wrong with our relationship, so I can't do anything about that! I really think it's the job and money thing.

My mum and dad both work shifts as well (Ihate bloody shift work) and I work 9-5 and unfortunately we can't get flexi childcare. It would be fab if we could!

allnew DD2 wasn't planned, she was a surprise, I was on the coil! If we only had one DC we would be fine, not well off but fine, I think!

When he had the first job that he quit he earned about £2k more than me, now I earn about £2k more than him.

Actually I think YRNBU, I think you're OH needs to grow up, for anyone to leave a post, at the minute, in the NHS is just stupid. Did he think the prefect job was just going to fall in to his lap?

lola if you earn more than him, then I think seeing childcare costs as eating your wages is the wrong way of looking at it. Effectively, his is the marginal wage - and he's mega stressed out at a job he hates. Is there any possibility of swapping the balance of responsibility? (not sticking up for him, just challenging the assumption that it's the woman's job that has to give, particularly if the woman can earn more)

I think it's all very well being told to support him a while longer but it must be very wearing having done so for 3 years, only to find out 2 days into the job that it's not for him.

Had he really researched nursing before he started training? because whichever post he's in, this is the unfortunate reality of the health and social care field (and quite often shit work in general).

How actively is he jobseeking now he's in the new job? Is he getting the job paper every week? Looking online?

YANBU You didn't force him to retrain as a mental health nurse & even though he is working in a field he wouldn't have chosen that is normal in nursing. Very few nurses get their dream job 1st & it is seen as desirable to get experience in other fields as it's not good to be a one trick pony IYSWIM.
The 1st year post qualifying is very hard but again its not your fault is it?

I really feel for your DH because it sounds like he's depressed and that's a horrible place to be. I think you need to show a little more understanding OP (hard as that is). When I was depressed last year I did nothing but moan, as this is part of the illness. I would go to bed early and not see the fun or enjoyment in anything. My DH put up with all of that because he could see how much I was struggling. Your DH is working as well as suffering, whereas I was at home in bed all day. I really couldn't have managed any more.

It sounds like your DH is going to run himself into the ground. He genuinely tried to make good life choices by deciding to train as a nurse and now it hasn't worked out for him. I was in a very similar position actually because I had just trained as a teacher and the recession hit Ireland in a big way which meant no jobs. I realised I actually didn't want to be a teacher fulltime and I couldn't get my head around the fact that I'd spent so long training on a hard and thankless course only for it to lead nowhere. That all contributed to my depression. My DH didn't say to me, "Well you chose to train as a teacher now you have to put up with it," he said "Please don't teach if it doesn't make you happy, I'd rather you were well than that we had money."

Thanks to my DH's understanding I am now completely back on my feet and I am teaching part time, which is all I can manage for the time being. He has been hugely understanding and has taken a lot of pressure on himself but as he would argue that's because I was ill and had to have time to recover.

Your DH is trying his best. He's probably strung out and exhausted. He needs help. Don't allow him to get ill.

He is actively seeking, sits online every night and he has applied for 2 posts so waiting on word back from them.

He was a support worker before so he kind of had an idea what he was getting in to.

allnew I might suggest to him about me working but there is the high risk of redundancies in my office. But I might ask if he will ask his work if he can get kind of set shifts, then he can work three days, I can work three and that way if I do get paid off then he still has his job. Unfortunately you can't count on the bank shifts always being there espcially as there are more RMNs qualifying with no jobs to go to. Oh I should say he earns more than me when doing the bank shifts, its just the care home job that he earns less than me. So doing the 6 days he earns more.

I think what narkypuffin said is a good idea:

"Why don't you go back to work and let him look after the children full time and take a couple of bank/agency shifts a week"

Why would this not work? It sounds like you would cope better with working. He can then actively job hunt whilst being SAH and then when he finds something suitable you can hand your noice in. Sounds like you have childcare issues for Jan anyway? The bank shifts would keep his hand in.

It's not right to carry on as you are (and I don't think YABU but need to find a solution).

I also think on the face of it YANBU.

He retrained, got a job in that field, but left because it wan´t quite right.

Sorry, but if that carries on,what a waste of three years & a place someone else could have had.

If you´re not happy,OP,how about you retrain now for three years?

I have sympathies on both sides I think.

Mental health Nursing is really tough, it can be very pressured and it's alot different being a student nurse without the responsibility to being qualified when the buck stops firmly with you.

I have been a qualified mental health nurse for nearly 10 years, tbh I wish I'd made a different choice. This is what I do though and I don't have the time or the energy to retrain at the moment so I do the best I can. It's not then patient care I dislike, it's all the paperwork and the blame culture that makes it so stressful.

Your DH has made his choice and I think he has to just get on with it, to a certain degree.

Working 6 days a week must be really tough on both of you though. I know I wouldn't be able to work in my job 6 days a week without having to book myself a bed Can't be any easier for you at home with the children either though op.

I think you need to have a long chat about what you both want to happen and how you are going to get there. Jobs are hard to come by in the NHS at the moment so your dh has to be realistic.

Actually I think YANBU. Lots of people do jobs they hate with rubbish hours to support their families and manage to enjoy the time they have outside of work. He needs to get over it.

Oops crossed posts.

Both being part time sounds ideal. If you want to leave anyway it would be a shame to miss redundancy pay.

Fair enough Lola0109. It's unfortunate that some people can't leave work related stress/unhapiness at work. I think others have said that he must feel disillusioned.

Maybe you could ask him what you could do to make his life easier/happier. It might be that little things could help him feel better eg bathing the children when he's around or getting to read a bedtime story.

If he's someone that finds it difficult to open up- you said you've only seen him cry twice- it may be impossible to get him to seek support from a counsellor/gp. You can do some things that they'd suggest though. Exercise - though it's the last thing you feel like when you're low- in an outdoor green space is very effective, even a family walk around the park. Easing off on alcohol, caffeine and lovely junk food helps.

Finally, if he's stuck working in an area he doesn't want to be, could he seek to gain some voluntary work experience in the area that does interest him ? It might boost his chances of getting the position you mentioned in January or something else more suitable if that doesn't work out. Even if he is sitting in on sessions rather than participating actively it would be a boost to his CV and show committment.

I know a couple of mental health nurses and both of them were really depressed by thier first jobs after qualifying. I concluded that maybe it can be a pretty depressing job, especially if you're working on the wards.

Also, though it's great that he's looking, being online every night looking for jobs whilst working 6 days a week is probably too much. It's hard to relax if your head is still at work. I'd ask him to limit it to three times a week.

I would be livid if my DH spent considerable time and money retraining, did the job for 6 weeks and then decided that that was it and he didn't like it.

Has he made any effort to get a different nursing job? Or is it just that they're not available that he is doing other work?

The more I think about it the more i think redundancy for me is the best option. A lump sum that would take the pressure off for a couple of months, no childcare costs, probably a bit more benefits if we aren't including my wages and then DP can do his job and maybe one other bank shift if its needed!

Hmmm...we can but hope!

I think the whole opening up thing stems from his past, his dad left when he and his sisters were younger, wasn't around even when he was there. Then his mum fell into a deep depression and was hospitalised for months, theywere all seperated and living with different relatives, then his mum remarried. He was a horrible man, did some things that I'm only guessing at as DP won't ask or allow his siters to tell him. then his stepdad killed himself! Can you see where the mental health interest came about! I think this is why he is so reluctant to open up. He won't show weakness! Which is why I allowed him to quit the first job as it must have been bad if he was that upset!

I'll speak to him tonight, his graduation ceremony is tomorrow (6 months later) and we are going out tomorrow night. Thats what prompted the thread as I panicked, WTF would we talk about! But if I gently talk to him tonight maybe he'll open up a bit more tomorrow and not be so defensive! Then he's off on thursday, so its a day with the kids!

lucky there are no jobs, he is doing nursing in a care home but its more of a general nursing role. But very poorly paid as care homes are!

God living with you sounds like hell. He is starting a new career which is hard, VERY hard in nursing.

He then has all these conditions put on him back home he has to ensure all the bills/mortgage get paid on time, he has to ensure he does what it takes so you get your own way and don't have to go to work earlier then expected. You know some women do have to do this recession and all.

So as well as being in jobs which are depressing him to tears, don't underestimate how hard it is in the real world of nursing, he is having all these demands out on him at home which he is responsible for AND being nagged at all the time, no wonder he is miserable.

He souds depressed and I think YABU and asking too much, three outcomes I see unless it changes, he becomes ill, leaves you or both.

I hope it works out for you Lola. Your poor DP has a hell of a family history but he also has you and your DCs.

It's going to come to a head eventually and it's much better to try and work on it now than to have to pick up the pieces when it gets too much for him to hold in.

Two of my friends recently qualified as nurses (I dont know about MH) think it was general nursing and they both had pretty good NHS jobs within a matter of weeks. Can he not do some general nursing?