AIBU to MIL??

[walkingonair]

My father passed away suddenly several weeks ago and if i'm honest it knocked me sideways. When it came to organising the funeral my brothers and I agreed that we wanted a personal service with just close friends and family.

My MIL is interfering, judgmental and I find her tone insensitive. When she heard about out my father she made a few comments that upset me such as, 'you would think your father would have made provisions for a funeral, especially given that he had a shorter life expectancy than most' (dad had a heart transplant 13 yrs ago) and ?you can?t dictate who goes to the funeral, anyone can walk into a church?. So in my confused/upset/emotional state I told by DH that I didn?t want her or FIL at the funeral. My main reasons are as follows:

1. They had never met my father (they live 200 miles away and rarely visit us - we go to them).
2. My brothers and I wanted a Christian funeral that was personal to Dad with Eulogies and readings, with just close friends and family.
3. I can never relax around my in laws (probably my own silly hang up but that?s the way I feel).
4. I can?t deal with the sniping.

My DH told them not to bother coming and they were clearly put out. AIBU for not wanting them there?

A few days before the funeral we discovered the funeral directors had messed up and failed to put the obiturary in the local paper detailing the funeral times. Knowing that most people were relying on this announcement to know when and where to go I panicked and stuck a short message on my facebook page. (my profile is private so only friends/family can see).

This prompted the following text message from MIL to DH :
If you didn?t want us at the funeral, why not be honest? Why plaster it all over facebook and make up a cock and bull story. Thats the pits. You better explain yourself to your father.

The text was followed by several angry phone calls and threats they were coming anyway, as we cant stop them blah blah... They consequently didn?t and there have been a few bitter text messages sent my way since which i have ignored. AIBU.

No! She sounds utterly insensitive to your loss and a right pain in the arse.
Why does she seem to think your father passing away is all about her??
YADNBU

YANBU - you are grieving and mil is being a twat. DH should be telling her that her behaviour is unacceptable and very hurtful. Ignore the hurtful texts, and use your answerphone to screen calls so you aren't exposed to her

I would entirely cut her off. If a MIL did that to me after the death of my Father then I would be better off wthout her. Sounds poisonous. It was a funeral! Not a wedding or celebration! I am on your behalf!

YANBU - in fact I think it was admirable that you didn't want them there in the first place and stuck to it. They have just confirmed to you and your DH why they shouldn't have been there in the first place. They are difficult and unreasonable and you need to keep those healthy boundaries in place!

And I am sorry for your loss...it takes about a year to begin to feel a LITTLE better.

Sorry to hear about your father. YANBU.

Did she hear about the note on B secondhand from someone else? May have been better to email those select few you were inviting, rather than putting it up on FB but totally understandable given the situation and she was still U to respond as she did.

Sorry for your loss
Your in laws sound absolutely horrible. Your dh needs to tell them to leave you alone - for ever.

YADNBU - what a nasty, interfering, insensitive old cow.
She has never even met your Father, its a funeral, which has nothing to do with her, not a social event.
Sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss.

No, YANBU to your MIL. She has been insensitive and rude.

Get your DH to phone MIL and tell her that she should stop phoning and texting you.

I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you. Take it easy on yourself.

I have been where you are. My father committed suicide and my in-laws were funny about it. My father-in-law was scathing and refused to attend the funeral -- even though my mother-in-law did (which made the absence stand out all the more) because he 'didn't agree with suicide' and thought it was 'cowardly'. Lots of grumbling that no will was left, either.

I'm so sorry she's not more supportive and she should really rein it in. It doesn't matter now what has passed and she should see that.

However, death brings out the worst, most awkward and tactless sides in some people as well as bringing out the most hyper-sensitive and raw states in those it directly affects.

My mother lost countless friends who crossed the road from her, never called, pretended they were out -- I'm guessing just so they didn't have to deal with her and the taboo of suicide.

All this said, she is technically right that anyone can attend a funeral (I'm not saying it's particularly sensitive thing to do) as it's not like a wedding.

Do think about what having a row about this will mean for future relationships, particularly now you've lost your father.

I stewed and steamed about my FIL for ages (luckily they and then we lived abroad for a few years so was never thrust in with them) but now my daughter is born, and I've fallen out with my mother, and he has Parkinsons, I'm so glad I never 'had it out' as I really value our relationship. I miss my father but I still have a 'father figure', if you like.

The facebook thing was a little artless though and I could see how she'd take umbrage.

Still... she's being horrid.

I find it a bit odd that she even wants to come to the funeral tbh - she has never met your parents, and she has demonstrated very clearly that supporting you is not her prime motivation. Sounds to me that its the idea of a 'get together' that she is interested in.

She is right that its hard to stop people sitting in the church service - but you can absolutely control who comes to any private gathering afterwards.

How does your DH feel about it all? Can he lay it out to her that given her lack of support and general attitude, that it is better if they stay at home, and send flowers/donation. And if they insist on crashing the ceremony it will have a very bad effect on ongoing relationships. Ie she needs to respect your wishes.

YANBU. My dad died just over a year ago and I feel your loss. If anybody had passed comments like that about him or the funeral arrangements so shortly after his death I would have let them have it with both barrels.

In spite of the funeral directors cock up and in the face of your MIL's twattishness I hope you were able to give your father a good send off.

It was her daughter that told her about the facebook notice. In hindsight I should never have posted it there, but it was the quickest way to circulate the funeral info without emailing everyone seperately. I also didnt have the strength to call people individually.
Im glad you're all in agreement with me, as i was begining to think it was me in the wrong. My mum seemed to think i was being silly and should have let them come,but after the text message a had to stick to my guns.

Sadly, some people seem to enjoy going to funerals if they didn't really know the person, they get all the drama and a free feed afterwards but aren't actually upset. I know it sounds horrible but I have known a lot of people to go to funerals of people who lived locally that they didn't know for this reason. And it's such a sad and emotional occasion that no-one confronts them about it, because who wants to question why someone's at a funeral?

It sounds to me like your MIL wants to be a part of everything regardless of whether it's any of her business. She is being unreasonable by trying to make this time about her, when it's about you and your family having time to grieve. I'm sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss.

What a bitch your MIL is!! I am so angry on your behalf that ILs were being this way when you have just lost your dad. Why would they even want to go when they never met him, it clearly wasn't about supporting you.

I wouldn't want to go and see them after this tbh.

Otchayaniye that?s such a sad story about the loss of your father and the way your FIL reacted is terrible, not to mention your mother's friends.

It?s sad because I always make such an effort to get on with everyone, especially as my DH's ex wife never got on with his parents and for a while he lost contact with them. I also want my DCs to have grandparents.

The fact is MIL is nosey. They live in a small rural town where everyone gossips about each other. Her church buddies are the worst and sit for hours spouting out venom and talking scandal. She could probably dine out on my dad?s funeral for weeks, especially as the wake was a full on celebration of his life (dad was a northerner from Irish decent)

Maybe your MIL is worried about her mortality, hence her comment about your dad and his life expectancy. She is being horrible, but perhaps she really did want to go as a mark of respect. She may not have been close to him emotionally, but you do have a bond with the PIL of your children, whether you've met them or not. My mum often asks about my FIL and vice versa, even though they've barely met.

I can therefore see that she would have felt upset about not being invited, and felt excluded. However, it was a loss for your family, so YANBU.

So sorry for your loss.

Can't believe that they are behaving like this, at a time when you are so raw.

My FIL passed away in Jan this year and my parents were so lovely. They live quite a way away, but took the day off and came up to be with the kids all day so that I could be there to support DH and his family.

To be honest, I would cut them off completely after they behaved like this.

I hope it all goes okay.

What CrazyPlateLady said, absolutely.

Wow,she is kind of missing the sensitivity chip, isn't she?

Sorry for your loss.
As someone who has been through similiar events with her dragon of a MIL I can fullly sympathise.
You are not being unreasonable at all.
I put up with snipes from Mil for about 3 years,we no longer have any communication which is great on one hand but not good for my children.
My advice would be stick to your guns and be completely honest about your feelings both to her and your hubby.That's the mistake I made bottling up the way she made me feel.I think sometimes it's a jealousy thing about which part of the family is getting the most attention.
Your dealing with such a horrid thing and I hope things get better for you soon.

She certainly is missing the sensitivity chip.
I haven't spoken to her since this all happened. The day after the funeral I got a text message saying: I would have thought you'd have called to tell us how it went, but suppose no news is good news. ???

DH has spoken to her a few times, but he hates confrontation and isnt really very tactful when it comes to putting a point across so he's kept quiet. Things just seem to have been brushed under the carpet and i'm still seething. Do you think I should calmly tell her how upset I feel or just forget about it and keep her at arms length?