AIBU to MIL??

[walkingonair]

My father passed away suddenly several weeks ago and if i'm honest it knocked me sideways. When it came to organising the funeral my brothers and I agreed that we wanted a personal service with just close friends and family.

My MIL is interfering, judgmental and I find her tone insensitive. When she heard about out my father she made a few comments that upset me such as, 'you would think your father would have made provisions for a funeral, especially given that he had a shorter life expectancy than most' (dad had a heart transplant 13 yrs ago) and ?you can?t dictate who goes to the funeral, anyone can walk into a church?. So in my confused/upset/emotional state I told by DH that I didn?t want her or FIL at the funeral. My main reasons are as follows:

1. They had never met my father (they live 200 miles away and rarely visit us - we go to them).
2. My brothers and I wanted a Christian funeral that was personal to Dad with Eulogies and readings, with just close friends and family.
3. I can never relax around my in laws (probably my own silly hang up but that?s the way I feel).
4. I can?t deal with the sniping.

My DH told them not to bother coming and they were clearly put out. AIBU for not wanting them there?

A few days before the funeral we discovered the funeral directors had messed up and failed to put the obiturary in the local paper detailing the funeral times. Knowing that most people were relying on this announcement to know when and where to go I panicked and stuck a short message on my facebook page. (my profile is private so only friends/family can see).

This prompted the following text message from MIL to DH :
If you didn?t want us at the funeral, why not be honest? Why plaster it all over facebook and make up a cock and bull story. Thats the pits. You better explain yourself to your father.

The text was followed by several angry phone calls and threats they were coming anyway, as we cant stop them blah blah... They consequently didn?t and there have been a few bitter text messages sent my way since which i have ignored. AIBU.

Firstly my heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your father. By the close bond you have with your immediate family he obviously was a lovely man and brought you up to be a close and caring family.

The only trouble with being brought up to be nice is that you want to please everybody and it obviously worries you that you sometimes and on this occasion you werent able to.

You did the right thing by your dad - most definitely - as you say they hadnt even met - so there is no reason whatsoever to think you went against your fathers wishes.

No disrespect to your DH but they sound horrendous and as if they wanted to be there for all the wrong reasons.

As for you putting it on facebook and their reaction to that - well from your OP it sounds as if you had already told them they werent invited. Were you supposed to have a state secret burial of your father because they werent invited ? You didnt let them know through facebook that they werent invited - that would have BU - you didnt refer on facebook to the fact they werent invited - that would also have BU. No you simply mentioned your fathers funeral to ensure those attending knew the time date etc etc. - how is that rubbing your P-I-Ls noses in it ?

I wont hijack but a similiar situation happened around my brothers funeral last year. My brother was ripped off by his B-I-L - my sisters husband and when my brother died B-I-L still owed him a lot of money - which he had avoided paying back for years.
This caused my brother - a lovely caring and kind man - a lot of angst - right up to his death - he didnt like to make a fuss and hated confrontation so bottled it up and my B-I-L took full advantage of this.

I arranged my brothers funeral and I did invite my sister and said B-I-L because as you say anybody can walk into a church and also my brother would have wanted his sister there. Unfotunately they brought the very young nephews and neices against my brothers wishes - he wanted them to remember their fun times - not that.

He also didnt want them brought to the hospital - he died of lung cancer - not pretty - for the same reasons. But my sister who sounds a bit like your M-I-L tbh ignored his wishes and paraded her children to the bottom of our DBs bed several times in his last few days and announced "and this DCs is why you must never ever smoke - look what its done to your uncle". Only I know how much this upset my DB up to his death - they had burst into tears at this and how terrible my DB looked.

At his funeral I absolutely insisted that my B-I-L would not help carry the coffin as I knew my brother didnt want him near him - and it caused a real rumpus - to this day we are all not speaking. So in a way it caused more problems by inviting them IYSWIM because they used the 'rubbing our noses in it' line about my B-I-L not carrying coffin.

I am sure by the background you have given that had you invited them - there would have likely been a scene anyway - emotions run high at funerals - and it wouldnt have taken too much prodding by your M-I-L to set you off.

No I really think you have been very reasonable and sensible to not invite them. I think its appalling how they have hijacked your grief in this way. Please do not let them make you feel bad. I am sure your dad would be very proud of you the way you have handled yourself - and thats the main thing. Continue to rise above it and keep a dignified silence - however much they rant and fuss about it - you have nothing to answer for. Block them out with nice thoughts about your dad - it works for me with my DB.

Suda, thats terrible. So sorry to hear of your loss. A year isnt a long time either so you must still be coming to terms with losing a brother. I cant beleive people can be so hurtful and insensitive.

Thank you for your kind words everyone.

Thank you WALKING - very kind - I think its funerals,wills,money,relatives,even weddings and births etc - or any combination of above just do for some reason bring out the worst!

Look after yourself.

Poor you, you must be feeling miserable.

Just a little alternative perspective as you asked whether or not you were being unreasonable. I think maybe you have been slightly unreasonable, but only because you were in the awful state that loss can put you in. I don't know you or your family so maybe I am completely barking up the wrong tree but here goes.

You say that your m-i-l is interfering and judgemental and that you can never relax amongst them. It may be that they have noticed your antipathy to them and that this hurts them. They may actually really want to be close to you and support you as a member of their family. When your m-i-l said she was surprised your father didn't make provisions for his funeral she quite likely meant it in a kind way in that she felt for you having to make all the arrangements/decisions which is stressful and wished for your sake things had been pre-arranged. Clearly it came out wrong as you weren't in a position to discuss negative things about your dad, understandably.

Similarly they may have really wanted to come to the funeral to support YOU, their daughter-in-law. They most likely feel completely rejected, especially as they then heard that you placed a notice on a very public forum, Facebook (which is also possibly anathema to their generation). They may feel singled out and really really sad about it.

OP - YANBU.

Rise above it and ignore, ignore, ignore. You are grieving, it's not about her, and if she doesn't 'get' it - tough.

Sorry,pressed post by mistake!

I know how you feel. My Dad died suddenly and some of the things my MIL said afterwards were so upsetting or too invasive.

I would have loved for her to not come to the funeral but in Ireland, everybody really does go to everybody's funeral so it would have been out of the question to ask her to stay away.

So sorry for your loss, who knows why but somehow funerals bring out the worst in people and make them show their true colours.

I think you'd be better off without your MIL in your life tbh, I can't imagine why anyone would be so hideously insensitive at such a terrible time when you've enough to think about.

I'm seething for you :(

Oh dear!

What a terrible woman, and at such a difficult time for you.

Is she one of those dreadful people who attends every funeral they can? Or does she hate the fact this isn't about her?

YANBU.

I think you were entirely reasonable. They don't need to be at the funeral of someone they've never met. My MIL has made rude, nosey comments about my father's health and it makes me so angry. I can't imagine how I'd feel if she was saying it after he'd died and I think you've done amazingly well to keep your cool.

How you deal with it now is up to you, but she's been incredibly blunt and to-the-point with you, so maybe try it on her and see how she likes it. She sounds like a bully, and bullies tend to back off once you stand up to them.

poor you. sorry for your loss. i don't suppose you are thinking straight yet, give yourself time to grieve. dh should really tell mil to back off while you grieve. people grieve in their own way so if you want to do that without mil go ahead. who needs someone so insensitive around at a time like this?

yanbu she is