Put down in front of friends

[Fifidedeal]

I went to some very dear friends with my DP, DD and 'stepson' last night. We have always agreed that if I had to have a word with stepson about any aspect of his behaviour, DP would back me up and have a word with me later if he had a problem with it - usually just leave it to DP.
Just as background DP and I are having some problems at the moment so we are both a bit raw and volatile.
Stepson was reaching across in front of people to get food. I asked him to request that the food was passed, rather than reaching across. OK, it was an informal meal so praps it was a bit much - but DP went ballistic. In front of my (elderly) friends basically told me to butt out and mind my own business, and when I raised my eyebrows completely went off on one at me.
I was devastated on 3 counts -
1.Was soo rude and inappropriate and completely spoiled the evening

1. How am I going to be able to tell stepson off if I have to now?
2. He was so openly contemptuous of me I'm just... so angry and upset

AIBU?

no yanbu!!!!

stepson was being rude and i don't think it was at all unreasonable of you to ask him to request food to be passed to him instead of leaning across the table

your dp was totally out of order on all 3 counts... has he said anything about it since? what did the friends say???

God I wouldn't be a step parent for all the tea in china but by the same token I would find it very difficult to watch other people tell my dc off if I didn't percieve a problem. Not very helpful I know. Maybe post on the Step Parenting Board?

Oh dear - I don't think YABU to be upset about the public outburst.
How old is your stepson? Do you think that you were BU in the way you spoke to him?
from what you've said it sounds like you are going to have to address all the underlying issues at play here, you should be able to tell your stepson off if it is appropriate and expect back up from your DP...

My friends were didn't say a word - just tried to smooth things over as they are very tactful.
I burst into tears. Just felt completely humiliated.

He is 12. Sorry about typo on previous message.

Another thing - stepson was completely happy with what I said and told me so! He knew I wasn't 'having a go' - just letting him know what was appropriate. It was the look on DP's face and his icy 'put down' tone that upset me so much. Yes LittlePickleHead - you are right about underlying issues.

What did he say to you? I think I would have to think really carefully about someone who did that in front of MY friends and then wasn't completely mortified by it. It is fine for him to think you were being unfair and maybe say so jokingly and then bring it up to you later but not to attack you in front of other people.

We are all protective of our kids but it sounds like he used that to have a go.

Your DP was out of order - but so were you.

You humiliated a child - who proabably feels vulnerable anyway - in front of others.

Do you do this often? Maybe that's why your DP snapped - perhaps you pick on him.

I've been in a similar situation (but not involving A Dstepson).

It was during a dinner party, and I actually buried my head in my hands. A couple left the table and went home. The remaining guest did what your friends did - carried on regardless even though I was holding back my tears and could not eat the food. The food looked delicious but I lost my appetite.

I was requested not to bring the said person again to any other party. We split up permanently shortly after. As far as I am aware no one invites this individual to parties, the reason being as I later learnt, that the individual had done this repeatedly at other places, ruining the evening/party for everyone.

You are not being unreasonable. Nearly a decade later I still remember that painful feeling of humilation.

nancy how is telling a 12 year old to ask for food to be passed humiliating a child.

Awful for you and your friends. However maybe your dp feels that you are always on at your step-son for little things. Maybe little things that you wouldn't notice or bring up if it was your daughter doing it. I mean if it was an informal supper did he really need telling off for reaching over to egt some food? Save the tellings off for the big things or all you are doing is going on and on, he'll stop listening all together.

You were probably wrong to speak to your SDS like that (although it's good that he didn't take it badly), but your DP was much more in the wrong for his reaction to it. He probably (wrongly) assumed you were putting his DS down and said what he did because he was looking for an excuse to act out.

Are there other issues with your DS that may make your DP seize on what happened this time?

Also, do you have your own DCs with your DP?

Auntiepickle - because it didn't need to be said. It's her stepson, she (presumably) doesn't see him that often, has said there are 'issues' there - the poor lad did nothing wrong and she singled him out.

It was an informal meal - reaching over to get food is fine.

it's not like her step son was 'punished' simple asked to ask for the food rather than leaning over the table

I pretty much echo what Nancy said. But ...

... actually, the issue here is so not the triangulated relationship between you, dh, and your stepson. That, if all things were well, would just be a pebble in the road, and, ultimately, forgotten.

The issue is that you and your dh effectively had a bust up, using your stepson as a proxy. That's not nice.

You need to sort out whatever is going on between you and your dh reasonably.

And, no, it's not OK that your dh put you down in front of your friends.

And, I have to ask this (because I don't know): did your dh kick off because he sensed you were using the child to get at him?

If there's the merest hint of that, then that's not nice. But, if that wasn't the case, then he was using your relationship with the child to get at you. And that is not nice.

All told, I'll bet your stepson was not a happy little boy by the end of that meal.

Fwiw, reaching across to get food is what children do. Manners/etiquette is a learned, cultural thing, and we just teach children that, again and again, until they learn it. We don't expect them to just know. The whole point of it is precisely that it's not hard-wired in. So it's not a big deal to suggest asking, rather than taking. The fact it all kicked off suggests that you and your dh need to calm down a bit, and look at how you're all relating to each other.

shimmerysilversparkler - It was something like "just leave him alone. He's fine. It's not an issue is it?" more in that vein and then when I raised my eyebrows. "why are you raising your eyebrows? If you want to say something say it." Which all sounds fine when I write it down - but please believe me when I say his cold almost shouting meant it was not fine at all.
Also found out that afternoon that my Mum is in hospital and Dad was told on Friday she might not make it through the night. Better now but not great.

Thank you for your posts - helping to 'talk' about it.

Why did you raise your eyebrows? I agree what your DP said probably sounded much worse outloud, but I can't see why the eyebrows!

Reaching for food is ALWAYS rude.

I see my stepson every week for 3 or 4 days (and have done for 2 years). We have an excellent relationship and I am really fond of him. DP and I have 18 month old DD together.

So DP didn´t go ballistic?

I do see that the reaching can be annoying, but I also wonder why others were´t offering to pass stuff instead of letting to boy reach?

FFS what is wrong with asking someone to ask for food to be passed instead of leaning over other people. It's something I would do with my children and I don't see why it should be any different for the op just because it was her ss.

OP your dp was out of order to humiliate you like that.

Sigh. As Reality so often says, all relationships are a power-struggle.

The subtle warfare of the raised eyebrow, and the cold admonishment.

Why not just tell your dh you need to play the role of the child for a bit, and require his nurturing? Sounds as though you may need that at the moment.

I;m guessing something in your relationship is preventing that; you may feel it will make you vulnerable to do so, or that he will fail to give that, or will use it against you. I don't know.

Sounds as though there was a lot more going on here than your stepson grabbing a roll out of turn.

Seriously, you and your dh are in an adult relationship; don't use your relationship with the child to hide away from real issues.

He did go ballistic - believe me - you had to be there! The words say nothing - the tone and body language etc said it all. I would not describe myself as sensitive but perhaps I am being so. Thanks for all the feedback. Will leave stepson to him entirely in future.

"Will leave stepson to him entirely in future."

Well that's not going to work is it? You need to have a relationship with this boy you are "fond of". He's a little boy, it's not his fault you and your dp have issues. If the worst thing he does is reach for food then he can't be that bad.

Why do that, Fifi?

You say you've had a relationship with this child for 1/2 a week, for two years. Are you just signing out of that, after two years, basically because you're pissed off with his father/your partner?

the child isn't a necklace you can fling back in the middle of a quarrel.

For what it's worth, I don't believe you'll do it. But I do think you, and your partner, are arguing, using your relationship with the child as a proxy. And I'm guessing one issue you two have is about nurturing, support, and fear of how you will cope with coming crises/change. Get thee to Relate.

I'm going to butt out now, because I'm getting over-assertive.

And you really do have my sympathy about your mother. I hope you find the support you need for that.