Put down in front of friends

[Fifidedeal]

I went to some very dear friends with my DP, DD and 'stepson' last night. We have always agreed that if I had to have a word with stepson about any aspect of his behaviour, DP would back me up and have a word with me later if he had a problem with it - usually just leave it to DP.
Just as background DP and I are having some problems at the moment so we are both a bit raw and volatile.
Stepson was reaching across in front of people to get food. I asked him to request that the food was passed, rather than reaching across. OK, it was an informal meal so praps it was a bit much - but DP went ballistic. In front of my (elderly) friends basically told me to butt out and mind my own business, and when I raised my eyebrows completely went off on one at me.
I was devastated on 3 counts -
1.Was soo rude and inappropriate and completely spoiled the evening

1. How am I going to be able to tell stepson off if I have to now?
2. He was so openly contemptuous of me I'm just... so angry and upset

AIBU?

YANBU

Reaching across the table for food is bad table manners, no matter how informal the occasion.
As a (step-)parent, one of your roles is to educate your child, and show them how to act in everyday sitautions.
It doesn't sound like you were having a go, just showing your stepson how to behave in a particular situation.

I think you and your DH need to have a good, long chat.

I meant his discipline - I didn't mean I was going to ignore the poor bugger FFS!

Really sorry to hear about your mother Fifi
It sounds like the respect has gone out of
the relationship. Shouting at you in front
of others is very very disrespectful and
totally inappropriate, and is a huge warning ssign for the state of your relationship in general.

As for what your DP actually said, it sounds as if he feels you are silently critical of him. While it was totally inappropriate given the context, it sounds as if he snapped and felt that the raised eyebrow (minor though it may seem) was the final straw.

As others have said, please don't withdraw from DSS just becuause of this incident. It really had nothing to do with him and had everything to do with the relationship between you and your DH.

I think you should ignore the issue of your dss for now, as it is just muddying the waters.

This is about how you and your DP talk to each other when you disagree about something. It is NOT ok for him to shout at you, be confrontational with body language etc ESPECIALLY in front of other people. I always suspect that what people do in public is amplified in private. So if he is disrespectful to you in front of others, I personally would be thinking had I been sitting round tht table 'what a shit my friend is with'.

Equally, you raised your eyebrows at him. Sorry to be harsh - really! - but this is really inflamatory. He shouldn't have reacted as he did but your friends and dss would have felt uncomfortable straight away from this point. You should have left this debate until you got home - unless ou felt you could disagree with him because your friends were there, IYSWIM?

As others have said, you need to sort out the underlying issues and not get caught up in a debate about table manners or biological kids, etc.

I know this is horrible (am not trying to be mean, honest!!) but I have been a person at that dinner before, and although you feel desperately sorry for person who is upset, you also feel very uncomfortable, awkward and embarassed yourself. Then that makes me think of how your step son must have felt for 'causing' it. You need to talk about this calmly and honestly away from the children.

Sorry - loooong!
HTH and isn't too mean x

Lets face it, parenting is a hard job in its self let alone throwing step children in to the equation.
Im with the Op, I thinks its rude just to reach across people to get to food on the table and in my lowly opinion at 12 yrs old he should know better.
Yes I have a 12yr old and would be bloomin cross if he'd have done this or even my 9 yr old come to that.
As for raising eybrows, I too would have done so if my husband spoke to me like that in front of others.

Your DH was out of order and obviously overracting...
this is not about the discipling of his son..its something deeper..

You both need to sit down and talk about this..

The reminding stepson re reaching across the table is normal, it's what parents and other adults who care for children do, isn't it? Any of my family members could say this to the dcs and it would be perfectly fine. If there are issues about the way you treat dss then he ought to be sensible enough to discuss it with you.

In your shoes I'd want to know where he was coming from on this before letting him have it with both barrels, pointed out a few home truths. Probably not the best way to calm things down, but I'd want this addressed once and for all so we both know exactly what the issues are (we know yours) and what is/what is not going to happen in the future. At some point some self-recognition that he was a twat would be good.

Oh, and I mean to say YANBU - he was out of order.

And also think that correcting dss on his table manners is no biggie - totally normal imo

You didn't do anything wrong.

Asking a child to have better manners is not humiliating him (FFS), even the SS was happy with being asked/how he was asked.

DP was out of order to call you on it, yes it was a problem and you addressed it. If he really thought DSS's behaviour was OK, he could have told you afterwards - but the bottom line is, he was a child at the dining table and his behaviour wasn't acceptable to you - end of.

He was fortunate that all you did was raise your eyebrows... he escalated it to a socially unacceptable level - not you.

You and DP clearly have issues you need to sort out & fast.

I don't think you did anything wrong in requesting that your DSS ask for food to be passed to him, rather than reaching across the table for it. I would do this with my DC and I wouldn't even think of it as 'telling off', it's just teaching children good table manners.

Your 'D'P used that as an excuse to have a go at you and it is his behaviour which caused the row and the bad atmosphere. What he did is so disrespectful to you. I would have raised my eyebrows if my partner spoke to me like that, especially in public, where you are not really free to respond.

I would find this very difficult to come back from, I'm afraid. A few years ago my DH had a row with my parents and was very rude. This happenned in front of me and I took my parents side, because my husband really was in the wrong. It was so humiliating and embarrassing though, so I understand how you feel.

When we got home I went ballistic, but couldn't do that in front of my parents. Things calmed down and got smoothed over but I know they haven't really forgotten it and the relationship is not the same. Your friends will remember it too and will judge your relationship on the basis of how they've seen him treat you. This is what makes your partners behaviour so bad, quite apart from his lack of respect for you.

"Asking a child to have better manners is not humiliating him (FFS)"

TBh I think it can be, depending on how it is said.

Also, if he hasn´t been taught any better, how should he know?

He'll know by being taught, just as Op politely tried to do.

12 is not a little boy, and teaching him manners and etiquette is part of life.

Maybe he is not used to having that kind of dinner. Most places just dish up the food and you eat what is on your plate.

Would have been easier for you to ask the child what he wanted so you could make his plate up for him.

No couples should argue in public, and should wait till they get home.

Is it not possible that you and your partner are not suited?

We are struggling but there is a lot of good stuff. I don't want to end the relationship unless I absolutely have to because of DD. He has acknowledged he was wrong and we are trying to work things out. We have agreed DP will be the one to say something to stepson in future if it needs to be said.

I think that this could be problematic because your DSS will know that you have no authority to correct his behaviour. He could be a complete sweetheart, but the chances are a situation will arise at some point when you need to correct his behaviour. The teen years are fast approaching.

It also means that DSS and your DD will be treated differently by you. I completely 'get' why a natural parent will want to be the only one dealing with their childs behaviour, but for some of the time at least, your DSS will be living in your home and I think this could affect your relationship with him.

Nothing wrong with correcting manners, but totally depends how it was done. Op, you say it was the manner in which your dp talked to you that was the problem rather than the words - and perhaps his problem was not what you said but how you said it? I'm assuming he doesn't regularly blow up at you in this way, so there must be a reason he was so annoyed with what you said.

Also I'd have serious issues with your request to be backed up regardless and then he talk to you about it after. If he feels you are telling his son off inappropriately he has every right to let you know he doesn't agree (in a manner that is not disrespectful to you) his son deserves to know his father will intervene if another grown up is telling him off when he has actually done nothing wrong. (I dont necessarily mean that in regrds to the meal, more about your comment that you asked to be allowed to tell dss off and his father should back you up even when he doesn't agree).

Fifi - You made it very clear in your post that you were only talking about withdrawing from discipline issues, so it was my fail if it came across that I thought you were withdrawing full stop.

I guess my post came across like that because I think discipline, though I tend to err towards the more neutral term, teaching, forms such a big part f our relationship, as parents, with children. The edges of imparting wisdom (!!) and discipline/teaching are very blurry.

I guess you and your dh have decided to try a new approach. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But maybe the way to look at it all is as a kind of experiment, trying different things out, until you all hit on a way that helps you all roll on, happily, as a family.

Sorry to hear things are tough at the moment. Two years, with all of you jumbling together, isn't that long. I hope that the rocky patch is really just a bit of rough water, requiring some innovative navigation, and showing you different ways to pull together as a team. Difficult situations/patches don't always signal the end of everything, and that you've all made a terrible mistake. It can just be bad weather, and a testing time.

Good luck.

"Nothing wrong with correcting manners, but totally depends how it was done"

I agree, especially if it was critical rather than a helpful suggestion.

Being 12 in a social situation can be bad enough without having attention put on you for whatever reason.

Also, were all the adults politely asking for food to be passed to them?

It is clear on this thread that reaching across the table is one of those things that is deemed okay in some houses and really rude in others. I was never allowed to do it even more was not allowed to ask but had to be wait to be offered! but dp's family do it all the time so could part of the issue be that ops partner does not undertand quite how rude it seems to some people.

also i remember being picked up on table manners when i was little (6) by both my dad and step mum. I got really really hurt because in my head I was making an effort on the more important things.

my children are 4 and nearly 2 and they dont lean over food, it is very bad manners. gentle reminding of manners is not humiliation.

Fifi - I really don't think that is going to work (not telling DS off, only DP being 'allowed' to do that). He is a child in your home and in your care, you should not allow yourself to be told what you can and cannot say to him.

There might be things you have to agree to 'let go' that you wouldn't with your own child, if that's the way DSS has always been brought up, but really, agreeing to allow DP to be the only one to 'say something' is not the way forward (IMO).

Then really dp is asking you to treat dss as a guest, rather than an equal with dd, whom presumably you do correct? Parents correct and discipline their children (as well as hug and love them) because they care deeply how their dcs turn out. Does your dp not want you to care for dss?