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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why cant we ever say " actually it's really easy"

101 replies

Fernie3 · 07/11/2010 07:39

About our life choices? In real life people keep saying " wow four children, that must be hard work" or online things like " being a sahm is such hard work" ( not quoting anyone just a general statement) and a million other phrases that say the same sort of thing on a range of topics. Why doesn't anyone ever say something like having more kids isn't tough if it was i would have stopped by now or in my case no being a sahm is easy i have loads of spare time and enjoy watching cbeebies?.

Driving i find hard (keep failing my test) and many people agree with me but not lifestyle choices. Aibu to think that people are afraid to admit that they DONT struggle when it comes to their children or life choices?

( sorry about the overuse of the word choices - cant think how else to say it)

OP posts:
Gooftroop · 07/11/2010 08:53

Fernie3, I GUARANTEE one day you will understand why people find children and life choices hard. You will look back on this post and be a bit Blush. It can all whizz along merrily with a big pack of lovely children being great fun and having the luxury of being a sahm. But .... your ..... day ..... will come. Just wait until you have four teenagers, you can't find a job because you've stayed at home for years, and you realise (once you have more time on your hands and your head clears) that your dh is an idiot, oh and by the way he has decided he's sick of supporting the family and now it's your turn to do it! Grin

lostinafrica · 07/11/2010 08:57

As you've said you're not just talking about SAHMs and number of children...

People used to say, "Ooh, teaching teenagers - how can you do that?" and I'd say, it's great: teenagers are much maligned, and very rewarding to work with.

It always seemed rather an unexpected reply.

Original poster
Fernie3 · 07/11/2010 09:12

Well gooftrop then i might not find it easy but that doesn't make it harder now, what an odd thing to say.

OP posts:
Laquitar · 07/11/2010 09:16

I say this lostinafrica Grin.
The idea of teaching teenagers fills me with fear.
On the other hand i found babies easy, i really enjoyed it. However if i say it i am accused of being smug.
Same with sex. You suppose to say that you dont have any after children, if you do you feel like apologising. And i never understood what is hard about washing if you have a washing machine and electricity. Again, if you express it you are hated.

Now there are other things that i find hard and others find easy. ie. tax return, banking, directions, pastry making, baking, knitting, lots.

I totally agree with OP.

BeenBeta · 07/11/2010 09:19

Pre-school children are exhausting. Once they go to school actually its really easy and easier every year that goes by.

Laquitar · 07/11/2010 09:21

Well attidutes like Gooftroop's is what pisses me off.

thisisyesterday · 07/11/2010 09:22

i think it's becawsue you then get accused of gloating!

you know it's a really british thing i think. no-one can say anything nice without people accusing them of showing off or having some hidden reason for why they find it easy
if you say you find bringing kids up easy you'll get the "oh i bet you have lots of money, i bet you have a cleaner, do you have a nanny?"
and all that crap.

Laquitar · 07/11/2010 09:23

I find the opposite BeenBeta. It is different for each person.

lostinafrica · 07/11/2010 09:24

I couldn't make friends at my first baby group, because my baby was easy - I had no problems to join in the conversations with!

lostinafrica · 07/11/2010 09:33

Yes, we bend over backwards not to offend people, don't we, thisisyesterday? And people are insulted far too easily!

I once (whisper it) said I loved bf. Ooh, was I flamed. I unwittingly (newbie that I was) insulted vast swathes of the British public!

thisisyesterday · 07/11/2010 09:38

absoltuely. people take any positive comment as some sort of slight against themselves if they haven't found it easy.

it's a real pity that we can't just say "that's great, i am glad you're enjoying it/finding it easy"

Sparklerz · 07/11/2010 09:43

I've always found looking after children easy,babies,toddlers,teenagers whatever. And housework is no big deal either. I wonder what people do with their time, but then I'm perfect!

BeerTricksPotter · 07/11/2010 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme · 07/11/2010 09:47

It's hard because if someone's sharing something they find hard it sounds terribly smug to say you found it easy.

I also think we forget. My db is stuggling with his first baby at the mo and part of me wants to say 'it's 1 baby who sleeps well and is very happy', but if I try hard I can remember that ds1 did feel harder than when I had the twins because I had no idea what to do with a baby.

I do get annoyed when friends are having the sex conversation and it's assumed that we only do it every now and then to please our dh Shock. However, I have a close friend with whom I can admit to a regular sex life with as she has 1 too!

THe housework thing does surprise me too as if you're a sahm it seems to make sense that you'd fit most of it in even with 3 under 3s under your feet. But then I assume that people must have higher standards than me!I think really it's just that housework is a never ending hamster's wheel and very unrewarding.

I find the best person to have the 'it's not that hard' conversation with is my Mum. She has the years to put most things in perspective.

Don't you think it makes a difference if you've had some serious stuff going on your life? I found that ill health and bereavement put the sleepless nights/ housework/ toddler tantrums and so on in perspective

violethill · 07/11/2010 09:57

YANBU - I think there can be a culture of kind of inverse competitiveness on MN- who's the poorest, who has the hardest home life , least amount of sleep etc

A positive mindset is everything, and to a degree explains why two different people can react very differently to the same situation. What one person finds hugely challenging , another person will see as fine. Glass half full type thing.

I'm another person who teaches teenagers, the idea of which fills Many people with horror, but to me' it's not a big deal. Hard work, and id never say oh its easy, because it's not, but I wouldn't sigh and moan about it being difficult either

colditz · 07/11/2010 09:59

Two year olds are supposed ly the peak of hard work, and they are pretty relentless, but I find them hilarious. I was watching a dad trying to cajole his toddler daughter into moving in a certain direction - "HA!" she cried, and launched off into a bush.

Infuriating to deal with, apoplectic-fit-inducingly amusing to watch.

Shodan · 07/11/2010 10:02

I think there are a couple of reasons for not wanting to admit that things are easy. (Maybe just for me?)

  1. It's not deemed as 'worthwhile' if you aren't struggling to make it go right.
  1. If you admit that you find it easy, then clearly you're not doing enough and must therefore add something to your daily life to make it more difficult.

I frequently find myself feeling apologetic about my lifestyle choices and never admit out loud how much I love it or how easy I find it (most of the time, anyway). It does make you sound smuggety smug, I think. Or at least I fear it does.

Spinkle · 07/11/2010 10:09

I think your entitled to say you find it a breeze.

Just as others are entitled to say they find it hard, boring and all the rest of it.

Of course, people are different, kids are different and situations are different.

Maybe if you're going to declare how fabulous it all is for you you might need to add a caveat that it doesn't suit everyone.

Onetoomanycornettos · 07/11/2010 10:10

Well, I don't think declaring 'having four children is easy' is any more realistic, or likely to be true in all cases than saying 'having four children is hard work'. It's all about what circumstances you find yourself in, and how you can cope at any one time. If you are having mental health difficulties, then no children and a part-time job can be an immense challenge; if you have no such issues, are relatively wealthy (lack of money, and money worries, are never easy IMO), and enjoy the company of small children, then having four may be really delightful.

I don't think Mumsnet is really the type of place people go to count their blessings, it doesn't mean they don't count them. Why would you post drawing attention to how easy you find life, especially when it's clear lots of people are struggling, as indeed you youself might have done the past or in the future.

PhishFoodAddiction · 07/11/2010 10:13

I think it depends on the context. If a friend is telling you how hard they find being up umpteen times a night with a colicky baby that rarely settles, it would be a bit unreasonable to say 'oh well, I found it a breeze, it's easy having babies, etc etc'. You would seem smug and annoying!

OTOH it's great that you're so happy and content with your choices, and you shouldn't have to hide that. If you find it easy and wonderful then you are free to say so-just bear in mind that just because you find it easy, not everyone else does.

Mumcentreplus · 07/11/2010 10:33

Everyone is different..one woman easy is another woman hard..if you are finding life a breeze thats nice Wink

Mumcentreplus · 07/11/2010 10:35

what happened to my woman's

Gooftroop · 07/11/2010 10:40

colditz, you must be joking about two year olds being peak of hard work!

OP, what's odd about my post? Agree, it not exactly addressing your point which is that people are afraid to say their life is easy. I'm just pointing out that part of why people don't go around saying their life is easy is that they know things can be tough around the corner. A sudden discovery that your child has a special need, redundancy of yourself or a spouse, children becoming more difficult, or simple exhaustion. And I'll say it again Fernie3 - it's coming .......

So to say one's life is a piece of cake and going great is A - insensitive to others, B - asking for trouble. It's also a massive conversation stopper and a yawn for one's friends.

Gooftroop · 07/11/2010 10:41

Agree with Phishfood

"I think it depends on the context. If a friend is telling you how hard they find being up umpteen times a night with a colicky baby that rarely settles, it would be a bit unreasonable to say 'oh well, I found it a breeze, it's easy having babies, etc etc'. You would seem smug and annoying!"

Smug, annoying .... and naive.

EdgarAirbombPoe · 07/11/2010 10:44

i find three within reasonable tolerances. not 'really easy' all the time, nor punitively difficult.

but i se what the OP is saying. if i say 'yes, it;s alright, we manage' i look smug

if i say 'its crap and my hair is fallin out with stress' i'd be lying, and indulging in competitive one-downmanship.