To want a bit of help from my Mum?

[MumblingClothDoll]

My DH is working abroad and I have 2 DC ages 6 and 2....I work from home and have to do the bulk in the evening when they are in bed. As a result the house is a mess...I have lost control of it and nobody has offered any help. It's been months now and my Mum can see I am knackered and depressed...she comes around and sits for about 10 minutes with a cup of tea...reads my magazines and then buggers off.

I have tried asking her "Would you be able to come for an hour one day so I can have a bath or tidy upstairs without DC's fighting as sooon as I leave the room"

She nods and smiles and then can't find the time. I tell her how tired I am and she says "We all are"

She works part time...and she's a fit 60 years old with a car and all she needs. She offers to take me shopping all the time...and I don't NEED that...I order online...as I dont drive.

My sisters have DCs of their own...one has bad health and her own troubles and the other lives too far away. I cannot afford any help or childcare...my mates are all the same...one works horrendous hours and has a long commute and the other is having serious marriage troubles and is in a mess.

There is nobody else. Every night I sit in the mess, too exhausted to do more than get school uniform ready and wash the dishes...I don't know what to do.

Thankk you GreatGreen....I cannot understand people who say family should not HAVE to help each other...of course they should not...but they shold want to!

mumbling - I often have no help, and have ME so understand how hard it can be.

I would get checked out totally by doctor, prioritise that over everything else.

I would also make an effort to find a friend in a similar situation and then to childcare swaps. I do this with friends, gives us both a break.

good luck tis hard with no family assistance,

maybe ask your mum to watch the kids whilst she drinks her tea while you blast the house work.

mumbling - also look out for preschool in your area, we found one that was £6 for the whole morning (in manchester)

great.

Mumbling, have you got Homestart in your area? It might be worth getting in touch with them.

No we don't...we dot have that other free thing either...it's quite a well-off area.

MumblingClothDoll, you have got some great advice, and I absolutely think you should go to the doctor, and talk to your husband about how exhausted you are. I got to a stage like this about two/three years in with two children, and yes, lots of people do have to manage on their own with little help, but in truth, a lot of those people feel tired, exhausted and depressed too. It's not a competition.

As for the mum helping out, I wonder if the thing that is hurting you about your mum is that she can see you struggling, as she drops by for that cup of tea and to read magazines but does little to help solve it. I really really hope that when I am a granny, if I ever get that lucky, that if I call by and my daughter looks ill with exhaustion, the house is a mess and the children are fighting, I will ask what I could do to help, roll up my sleeves and just get on with some housework, or take the children out. It's different if your mum lived a long way away, or was not available for some reason, but to be available for cups of tea but not to lend a helping hand is quite sad, actually. My mum has helped me enormously with the children, as did her parents with all of us, none of us 'expect' it or see it as a right, but it is part of being a family for us. You do have a reason to be sad about this, but unfortunately, I don't think she will change and so other solutions look your best bet.

There is a way up: ask for a bit of help (from other sources) and it does get better when they go to pre-school/school, honest!

By the way, I wasn't implying you are depressed, I can't tell from your posts whether that is the case, or whether you are just overwhelmed and exhausted. Either way, let your husband and doctor know, and try to work out strategies for getting some time/order back, from letting them watch TV for ages whilst you tidy, to thinking about preschools/nurseries so you get a bit of time to sort things out, to your husband taking them out for the day. It will get better.

could you get a bit done today mumbling, get your dcs to help a bit, the six year old shoul be quite capable of tidying a bit if directed and the two year old can wipe down things with wetwipes to keep busy. Make it a fun game.
Promise them a treat if they help, then sit down together and chill out on the sofa with a dvd and some chocolate.

I do agree that family should help out and you should get to the gp for a check up.

Hope you are feeling a bit better mumbling. Have you managed to get to the GPs yet?

I do feel for you and am in a similar position. I have 2 DCs - aged 4 and 2. I also work from home and have to do most of it when DCs are asleep. My parents live far away so I would not be able to rely on them for regular help but I can't help feeling a bit disappointed that they have not offered to help when we badly needed it.

My Mum is retired - aged 60. I am an only child and she has basically said that she cannot cope with my children as there are 2 of them. I know that my kids are my responsibility, etc. but it does hurt a little bit that my Mum's parents did ALL the childcare for me and my cousin when we were growing up whilst our parents worked full-time, babysat, had us over-night, every day after school and all school holidays and yet in 4 years my parents have not looked after our children once so that DP and I could go out one evening. I asked once and got a stoney silence over the phone so have not asked again.

We had a bit of a housing nightmare when DD was a baby as the building works on new house overran and we had to move 7 times in the space of 4 months. We did this whilst working full time (I had just gone back to work from mat leave), DD was ill and DP had put his back out. I was desperate for someone to watch DD whilst I packed for the nth time and again no offer of help. Anyway, that has turned into a bit of a rant about my situation but just wanted you to know that you are not alone!!

op YANBU

its murder having no family help out when they are quite capable, we're in this position too. my mum and MIL are far too old to help , but dh has siblings who we'd love to have help us out now and then but they never ever offer and we're both exhausted and wrung out with it all. of course you're mum should help out a bit, that to me would be normal, I don't thinking wanting that is wrong.

its just shite isn't it

MumblingClothDoll of course it's normal to help your children with their children.

Have you spoken to your mother honestly, as in "I am really struggling to cope and desperately need your help. It would mean so much to me if you came to my house for 2 hours a week to play with your gc while I do x,y,z". She may be hearing "I'm tired" as just a general comment rather than a call for help. Maybe she is just really bad at picking up on signals, and can't actually 'see' that you need help.

Also, I know when I am depressed I just come across as a grumpy bitch who nobody would want to be around. It took me actually telling my DM that I was depressed to get some extra help and it really improved things.

My DH goes away for work and I know how hard that is.

Please do try and get yourself to the doctor. You can do an on-line post natal depression test (just google Edinburgh Depression Test), which may give you an idea if that could be part of the problem?