To want a bit of help from my Mum?

[MumblingClothDoll]

My DH is working abroad and I have 2 DC ages 6 and 2....I work from home and have to do the bulk in the evening when they are in bed. As a result the house is a mess...I have lost control of it and nobody has offered any help. It's been months now and my Mum can see I am knackered and depressed...she comes around and sits for about 10 minutes with a cup of tea...reads my magazines and then buggers off.

I have tried asking her "Would you be able to come for an hour one day so I can have a bath or tidy upstairs without DC's fighting as sooon as I leave the room"

She nods and smiles and then can't find the time. I tell her how tired I am and she says "We all are"

She works part time...and she's a fit 60 years old with a car and all she needs. She offers to take me shopping all the time...and I don't NEED that...I order online...as I dont drive.

My sisters have DCs of their own...one has bad health and her own troubles and the other lives too far away. I cannot afford any help or childcare...my mates are all the same...one works horrendous hours and has a long commute and the other is having serious marriage troubles and is in a mess.

There is nobody else. Every night I sit in the mess, too exhausted to do more than get school uniform ready and wash the dishes...I don't know what to do.

I'm with you Mumbling. When my Dad was in hospital and I had a newborn I drove my Mum the hour there each day, stayed with them and drove her back again. I didn't do it for any glory just to help them out. Mutual support is a normal part of family life surely?

I am old!

You are certainly not unreasonable to want help and to wish that she wanted to help.

But harsh reality - she doesn't want to and she doesn't have to. Sad to say, you're on your own and you are just going to have to cope.

I am not being mean. Although I realise it's fairly blunt. It's just that it does you no good to brood on what you wish would happen. How you wish someone would be. what you wish they'd do for you. They don't. They don't have to. And you just have to roll up your sleeves and get on with things.

Of course, the petty bitch in me says that people should get as they give and so someone like that can fuck right off if they ever turn around and want help from me!

I don't understand this 'expect nothing from the grandparents' routine. It is not, in general, how things used to work and not how I intend to be with my children.
I feel your pain Mumbling. I too look after small dcs all day and work from home at night. And I have had the 'we all are' line when I say to my family that I am tired. At times (3pm usually) I would pay someone to shoot me so I could have some sleep. Not sure any other member of my family ever felt like that. My parents had lots of help when they had small dc.
I have stopped expecting or asking for help and it feels better that way.

Well said Hecate, just what I worked out myself.

You poor thing ClothDoll, you sound absolutely worn out. You should be really careful because the perfect time for depression to recur is when you're run down. It would definitely be a good idea to get some iron supplements and some vitamins - these should help you at least to regain some energy.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect help from your mum, she should be one of your best friends and best friends help each other out. Does she realise just how much you're struggling? If she does and she still doesn't help then I'd be inclined not to have her around at all. If she complains just say that you're too busy/tired/the house it too messy and that if she wants to see your DC then she'll have to her over in her house.

What does your DH say about all this?

YABU. Your children, your choice, deal with it.

Oh and I forgot that my Nan used to come to our house every Tuesday and clean it from top to bottom. Seems like my Mum has a very short memory!

Mumbling I know how you feel. My DH used to work away from home. My 2 year old was in nursery at the time because I also worked. I was a teacher who ran clubs at lunchtime so the morning break was my "me" time. All 10 minutes of it. Evenings were full of marking, preping seeing to Ds and cooking dinner.Parents were good at offering help - my lovely stepmum doesn't have dc so has no idea of the work involved- but it never really came to any real fruition until one of my lovely friends phoned them asking if I was ok as no one had heard from me. Parents realised I was looking a mess, trying to hold everything to gether and whilst it looked ok on the surface, I was struggling.They started picking up dc from nursery to give me 30mins to clean etc. What a difference that made.
When I am a gp I will be cleaning, shopping, and babysitting for my dc, if they need it. Just because they are adults doesn't mean they will stop being my dc.

DH is very annoyed about it Writer....we are joining him soon though and it willbe much better...DH cannot understand it either as his Mum is ne of those ones who ants to cook and babysit...it's her pleasure though...she lives too far away though to do it often.

LazyLion....I know my Mum had no help as a young Mum...she had my older sisterwhen she was just 16 and was left to it....but my Dad never worked away and he was VERY good at helping espcially considering it was the 70s. He was the only Dad to be seen for miles pushing a big Silver Cross pram....he was huge and very manly though so none of his unenlightened mates would have laughed!

So really I dont know...sometimes I think my dear Mum has gotten stuck at 16...she can be very child like...I cook for her at least once a fortnight as the kids love to eat with her...she comes for lunch on a Sunday...she has not ever asked us back. It does hurt...I never noticed till' DH went away and I got so tired..

Unfortunately, if your mum doesn't want to help there's nothing you can do about that.

Pay for some childcare?

Lilly..I DO feel like a look a mess...I keep bursting into tears for nothing...and generally look awful....

Ah. You can't afford childcare.

Then you can only work with your dh on this one.

Pointy...I am on a VERY tight budget...no money for childcare.

Can you cut down on the hours you work?

Can I suggest a plan then?

1. Order the tonic wine with iron.

1. Phone MIl and ask her to come and stay for a couple of days.

1. Phone GP on Monday and actually go.

Yes...I will do all of that but I dont thnk MIL will come at the mo as her ex husband is ill...so cannot ask really. But thank you so much for all the kindness and understanding...I do feel better already knowing it's kind of part and parcel.

Unfortunatley you just have too get on with it I work from home have 2 kids and am akmost 8 months pregnant my husband also works away you just have too prioritize what really needs done ironing can wait ect do a little each day and if it dosent get done don't beat yourself up about it .

It does get better Mumbling. 2 of mine have started pre-school so I only have 1 at home in the mornings. I can feel the fog slowly lifting and you will get there too.

TBH I find your mum's attitude that she shouldn't help you because she had no help herself quite sickening. Surely the fact that she had no help means she knows how hard it is and should therefore not want you to go through the same thing? It's a pity your MIL can't lend a hand.

As others have said, you should prioritise going to the GP as there could be something physically wrong with you. If you end up sick things will only get ten times worse. Ask him/her to take bloods and check your blood count, thyroid and liver function. Explain how tired you feel, he or she might suggest some other ways to help.

You are very good to cook for your mum but I would stop if I were you. It's just one more thing on your plate and if you stop it might make her realise that you are struggling.

When are you joining your DH? Will things improve then?

I agree with the advice about going to the doctors, and I think other posters have covered that really well.

I also think that your DH does have a part to play here. I understand that he is working abroad but I think he should take a couple of weeks off and come home. He can take over for a while while you get some R&R

You could both of you make it a campaign to get the house straight. Because IMO there is nothing more demoralising and dispiriting than a messy house, and it seems to be getting you down as well. Order a skip, get every room sorted out and straightened and tidied, clear up the leaves and get ready for Christmas.

And cheer up - it's only four months til March which means that you'll have them both out of the house and you can catch up with stuff then.

Good luck

Make your DH can take some holiday and you can do some catching up.

My mother died when I was young, I would do anything to have her come round for a cup of tea and do nothing - sorry but its true.

I have no family help and 2 DC neither at school yet and a DH that often works abroad. I cope, often not that well. However, I have paid for childcare and a cleaner. Are you really sure you can't afford childcare or you don't want to. Does your 2 year old still nap?

You sound tired and depressed.

Mumbling It is hard work I recognise that I promise but it can get better. You are shattered I can see that I remember the tiredness that never goes away. Please see your GP and get some blood test, it turned out I was dealing with a hormone disorder. (didn't help)
What about some help with the house? like Quatt says a tidy house really helps. I know you can't afford it but could you get a one of spring clean? (early Xmas pressie?) or a friend to help?

i do have one friend who I know would jump right in if I asked her to...I just feel a bit funny asking her. I will try though...she will probably come round and play with little DD while I try to catch up or something. Thanks so much everyone. Quite moved by people's kindness here.x

YANBU
my mum never had any help. she moved away from family and friends with my dad and his job whilst pg with me. she frequently tells me she knows what it is like to struggle with no help and offers (and delivers) assistance to me and my DC when i need it. just as i offer and give assistance to her when she needs it.
imho it is what families are for.
sorry that your mum dosent see it that way.