2nd wedding 'wishing well'

[itmustbewineoclock]

AIBU? - SIL's 2nd wedding, parents paying for reception (double the number of guests they want to pay for); wedding is being held a long way from all of her friends/ family - it's costing us 800 quid to get there as a family. The happy couple are having a 'wishing well' at the reception to "pay for our renovations". I know that they have already completed a small amount of work on their house and are not planning to do any more. They are taking 3 months off after the wedding, 1 month's holiday and 2 months hanging around at home to TTC, unpaid. I feel quite peeved that (a) they are being dishonest about what the money is for and (b) they are basically asking wedding guests to fund their decision to sit around doing nothing for 2 months. (She works in low stress 3 day a week job). We've actually already purchased a gift for them so it's not about us having to give them cash - I'm just annoyed that they are asking it of other guests. AIBU??

YANBU.
Get sneaky, go to the 'wishing well' an hour before the wedding, put up a sign 'this money is funding our 3 month honeymoon.'

Or ask her on facebook (very public) 'I thought you said you were done with work on the house? Did you change your mind?'
Or 'Wow, lucky you 3 months off work, you're free for babysitting, then?'

Or nothing.

I should clarify - the reason I included the info that it's the second marriage for both of them is that they prefaced the wishing well info on the invite with "as we have been living independently for many years, we have most household items that we need and therefore we will be having a wishing well......etc" They are both committed Christians and I honestly thought they were going to ask for donations to charity!

I think if I could have had 3 months off work I would have done it, though.
Except for the wishing well, I'd probably be honest about that.

Why does their religion make a difference, though?

Ha ha thanks Lello - might try one or more of these options.

Oh I don't know - I just thought they would be more likely to be thinking of charitable donations if they had all they needed at home. But that's prob cos always imagine Christians are endlessly selfless and giving...

Ahh :).
Each to their own, maybe that's why they don't want to say it's funding their 3mth honeymoon?
What sort of wishing well is it? Will someone be collecting money or will it be dropped in a bucket?

If someone's collecting that makes it a bit awkward, but if not then everybody won't have to give money anyway.
You could always just have a bit of a gossip before money is collected if that is the case, gossip circulates fast :o.

Not sure but probably a bucket. And our table at least could be fully appraised of the situation!

Wow. Grabby and tacky and yuck. I'd be irritated.

My sister did this for her wedding. She married a guy from new zealand and this is normal over there apaprently. Plus there is no way she would have been able to take back loads of presents on the plane without having to pay a fortune in excess baggage (and they might well have been broken at the other end).

I don't see the problem with it in principle tbh. Like a wedding list. Noone is standing there with a gun to your head saying 'you must put lots of lovely money in the wishing well or you aren't allowed in' are they? If you have already bought a present then take that for them. There are millions of threads like this and tbh I just think if you don't like it then don't partake - buy something you feel you will be able to give without being resentful and leave it as their choice. If it so abhorent to most people they won't get much money anyway will they?

The issue of her possibly lying about what the money is for is out of order tbh - I don't think there would be anything wrong with saying that the money will be used for a honeymoon. However I wouldn't go around shouting about this as there is a chance you are mistaken and the reason they weren't planning further work on the house was financial and if they get more they will do other stuff.

Just don't put any money into their begging bowl. The idea is crass beyond belief and would be even if they were intending to donate the money to charity.

Buy them a gift of your choosing and just pretend the embarrassing bucket incident isn't happening.

Regarldess of holidays,TTC, second weddings and Christianity, I am shocked that anyone would think it okay to put out a begging bowl and ask guests to pay for a home renovation.

Family and friends are surely at your wedding to share your joy, not your bills.

Oh I´d want to tell as many people as possible-but I´m a bitch!

Although why are your parents paying more than they want to?

If it´s a bucket, can´t you grab it when it´s done the rounds & give it to your parents?

Thanks for your replies ladies. Parents in Law have been pressured into accepting more people - there's a history of them paying SIL's way for a long time to be honest. She's turning 40 this month and I think she should probably pay for her own wedding at this stage in her life. But that's just my opinion. I have no intention of giving the idea of a wishing well any credence at all by contributing to the .....bucket..... We've already bought them a nice gift - the issue is not so much about what we should do but more that I'm feeling a little guilty about feeling so annoyed with her ( and have lost some respect for her TBH) so am canvassing opinion as to wether it's generally acceptable or not.

We are in Australia (hence the middle-of-the-night 1st post) but I am British. Perhaps even after 8 years here I am missing the point if it's accepted custom here. I've been to many weddings here and have never come across this before.

I think that asking for money is tacky, wishing well perhaps even tackier.

If you´ve got all you need for the house, lucky you-let your guests save some money or donate to a charity.

I have posted on this topic before - my SIL and BIL asked for money for a new bathroom as their wedding gift.

That was three years ago and we are still waiting to see it as are most of their other friends and family.

They have a £300k house (which they bought when they were in their twenties) and huge salaries.

I resented writing out that cheque A LOT.

I have seen the 'wishing well' at a Kiwi weddiing but it was just for posting cards into not money.

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the replies. Sorry if it's been overdone in previous threads - I've been a regular poster in the past but not so much recently so must have missed recent posts about this.

Definately NBU. I think its crass, rude and embarrasing and anyway, the fact that its costing you over 800 to get there you wouldnt (normally!!!) be expected to bring a gift.

One of DH's friends were getting married abroad. For DH and I to get there and hotel etc.. it would have cost 600. He said to us and everyone else on numerous occasions not to dare give a present etc as they took the attendance as more than enough of a gift considering if it was local, you wouldnt give 600 as a gift (despite in fairness we were getting an excuse for a holiday)

Yanbu

Tacky and grabby IMO.

Thanks Barbie - that's kind of what I was expecting them to say. But they didn't. In terms of us travelling - in fairness to them - she has just moved down there and will be living there. So it's their new home. But it's an 8 hour drive or an expensive flight which we've decided to do on account of 3 littlies.... yattah yattha! So it's not really a holiday destination but still a big deal for all friends and fam to get there.

Okaay

OP - YANBU

Tacky, rude and very low class. I also think it is totally out of order for her to expect her parents to pay for her wedding again.

Sounds as though she has a total sense of entitlement. I have an acquaintance like this and she is totally single minded about what she wants, with next to no regard of anyone else. No one stands up to her so she thinks she is in the right.

Used to drive me nuts, which is why she is only an acquaintance now.