Ah,,, christmas, pushy in-laws and new baby

[Mammie81]

Im due the first/second week of December.

DP and I decided that if the baby was early, we could probably take him round to our respective families houses in the morning/afternoon without much fuss. Then come home to a dinner cooked by me (its our first xmas in our flat too so I kind of wanted to make it special for us, as well as the new baby)

Even if baby comes on time Im not exactly sure how I'll feel about taking a 2 week old baby out for most of the day when I'll still be getting to grips with breastfeeding.
However, because we cant say for sure if that will happen ie if I need to have a C section/am still in hospital/maybe hes two weeks late and comes on xmas eve etc then of course we cant actually make any exact plans.

His family are having a bit of a moan that he wont be there in the morning to open presents and think that we should come over anyway to visit in the morning (they mean 7-8am of course) because this is their tradition. Of course he could go on his own but I know them, once hes there they wont want him to leave and he cant drive so would need me to get him. Id then get curtailed (even if I was able to drive that is!) and the day would pan out as they wanted. There are no kids in the house, just over 20's not yet moved out, so theres no reason to be up at 7am opening presents like 10 year olds would be doing.

AIBU to think that this year, they should put their tradition away because no one knows what could happen yet? Or even, god forbid, they could visit us?

I feel for you mammie81.
My PFB is also due 1st/2nd week of December. We live in London and both of us work full-time and we have the usual office colleague dramas about who gets to take time off work at Christmas holiday.

Every year, over Christmas week, DH and I are expected to go to Norfolk, North Yorks, Lancs and Berkshire visiting my Dad, his dad and step mum, his Mum and step dad, and his sister and BiL and nephews. All on public transport as we do not have a car. It's exhausting and stressful. Then we go back to work, knackered, and frequently, ill.

This has gone on for 11 years, except for 2 occasions when we did manage to have Christmas Eve/Day in our own flat alone (we were still expected to do all the visits though over the festive season!)

'Enough', I said this year. We are not doing family visits. At all.

If family want to visit us/get their presents/see baby, they can make an arrangement to come to our flat in London, as part of a day out in London or something, and stay for a few hours to see the newborn and we'll swap pressies and gulp a glass of fizz and grab a hug.

We can't put people up in a 1 bed flat and we can't do meals and hosting - I can do M&S party snacks and a bowl of olives and wine. And if visits happen at the end of December or in January, well, so what? In Spain people give presents on 6th Jan. In Holland, 6th December. If we can't do the 24th-26th December face to face with inlaws etc, so what? First babies only come once.

And if they moan, or won't think about visiting us instead of expecting visits, well, presents will come to them gift-wrapped in post c/o Amazon and good cheer and Christmas wishes will be passed on via my mobile on speakerphone, while I breastfeed on the sofa in my pyjamas, and DH brings me mince pies and an M&S festive readymeal!

Because no matter how much our families want things to be the same as they have always been, they will have changed, and changed forever. A new baby will have arrived. DH and I will be parents. Life has moved on.

And if our families can't accept that, then that is sad, because family life should be able to accept new generations, new life, growth and change, not stay stuck in the past, pretending nothing has changed at all.

Good luck to the 3 of you.

:)

Before our 1st DD was born I decided we would do a three-year rotation thing (our own, with my Ps then with his Ps) but hadn't reckoned on DD2 being born, which she was 10 weeks before my first Christmas with my ILs.

On the day, the girls and my DH had their Christmas stockings, mine was still as empty in the morning as when I'd put it out the night before :(, MIL got stressed as she can't cope with cooking to a deadline and so spent the morning in the kitchen getting more and more stressed, BIL came over about midday, still pissed from the night before, and cracked open a can of beer, FIL helped in the kitchen, DD1 (18m) came down with a temperature so poor little thing wasn't having much fun and was hungry, I was left on my own in the living room with a feeding baby for much of the morning - we were all starving and Christmas "lunch" was served up, bone dry, at about 4pm. We opened Christmas presents except DH had forgotten mine back at home and had sent his mum !!!! out to get me some earrings the previous day, so my main present was a pair of earrings bought for me by my MIL from my DH which were an exact copy of the ones she'd bought me the previous year (and which I still hated).

Honestly not looking forward to next year as we're due back there for 2011!! Stick to your guns.

Ahhhh - this was me last year. My ds was due on the 15th December and my MIL was put out that we would not "definitely confirm" that we would be there for Xmas

Stick to your guns and enjoy your first xmas with your new baby

Good lord. DD was due 15th Dec last year, born 18th. We spent Christmas at home, just the two of us - I had made the christmas dinner about a week earlier and even then we didn't get round to eating it until 5pm, or opening our presents until 9. And that was with no CS to recover from.

No visiting and no visitors, and that's that. You have your own family now.

Do not promise to prepare Christmas dinner for all and sundry.

You will have a newborn and be recovering from the birth.

If you do feel up to making dinner, that's great. But do not undertake to do it.

I left off a bit of my post. Should read: Do not undertake to do dinner this far in advance, when you don't know how you or your baby will be feeling.

Haha! I was going try and do dinner, but what that dinner will consist of I have NO idea! Im willing to give up that part of the plan tbh, thats an expectation Ive put on myself and if I manage it, then great! If not, no biggie!

Hes said to me he hates getting up at 7am - and he has told them that we wont be going anywhere unless I and the baby feel up to it. I think it should be ok.

Glad you all agree that 7am is a stupid time for adults to be up opening presents. I nearly spat when they told me they still did this! My DP is 35?!

And I was only planning to do dinner for DP and I after visiting family if we could. Thats the best case scenario, and I doubt it will go that way!

I would never agree to cooking for everyone else, no way!

OMG - when I read your OP, I assumed that the ILs were talking about wanting the baby there for presents, not their adult son!!

I'm due DC2 on Dec 4th and we cancelled all Xmas plans months ago! Even though that's the due date, Lord knows when I'll actually deliver and what state I'll be in afterwards. I don't mind brief visits but we're not cooking for anyone and will likely just do a little roast for ourselves (so I can eat with boobs likely hanging out!) and spend the day in PJs opening the kids' gifts and sleeping! No complaints from any relatives and tough cookies if there were.

Tell your OH to grow a pair and say no to his parents.

Well done your DP for saying you won't be going anywhere unless you and the baby feel up to it - exactly the right attitude!

The inlaws are being bonkers, they are going to have to learn.

Merry Christmas!

Lots of sensible people on this thread. I wish I knew about MN 4 years ago

DD (first baby) was born on 17th December. It was our year to go to PILs. No-one put any overt pressure on me but they were all so bloody excited, DH included, I felt I just couldn't be the bitch that said no.

We drove from London to Wales when she was 6 days old. I can't remember how long we stayed for but it was definitely over 2 days. I didn't know my baby, I couldn't get to know her. I remember trying to go to bed when everyone else did at 11 and crying because she wasn't going to sleep and not having a clue what to do but not wanting to look like I was a rubbish mother. FIL 'kindly' got up with me at 4am every morning but that meant he was just THERE, all she wanted was bf. When he saw me in the kitchen taking paracetamol he asked if I had a headache - I had a fucking 2nd degree tear!

They all still talk about how wonderful it was. I'm glad I was able to give that to them, it was wonderful seeing them all just adoring her and how proud DH was, we got looked after etc., and some bits were fun, but I still wish I had been strong enough to say no. PIL still have no idea.

Having spent every year since on the motorway between 2 sets of parents, away for almost all of the holidays and never seeing our friends, this year we're doing an overnight visit to each set of parents and spending some much-needed Christmas at home time.

Well done for broaching the issue with your PIL early! good luck!

That story confirms it. Im not moving my butt or my baby anywhere!!!

I think you should have Christmas just the three of you.

If you´re tired/busy feeding, your husband will be able to cook lunch.

I would plan to see ILs Boxing Day tbh, & perhaps nearer the time change it to letting them pop in for a couple of hours Christmas Day if you think that that would work OK.

YABU

although understandably so and only a tiny bit

Given your due date and the fact that this is your baby you really have no idea how Christmas is going to be.

The idea that you will be cooking Christmas dinner days or weeks post partum when you might well be doing nothing other than sitting under your baby is unrealistic.

This is the Christmas you can't plan for. You might have a days old baby and barely manage to reheat a meal in the crazy baby-haze. You might have a weeks old baby and still not want to go far from home (I was like this until 10 weeks with no.1!) You might well at a few weeks like nothing better than going to someone else's house for a dinner you don't have to prepare and lots of willing baby holders.

Just say no to any firm plans until you know how things are looking closer to the time.

Have your first nice Christmas as a family next year with a 1 year old and write this one off as chaos Christmas. It will be unforgettable however things work out, but plans are pointless - embrace it!

As for 7am present opening at ILs - agree with the others that won't be happening again. How ridiculous.

Oh, this has brought back memories, DS 2 was due 15th Dec, was very unpunctual. I got 'flu on Xmas eve, and all I recall about that Xmas day is sitting in PILs house wishing I was elsewhere. They got pissed off that we left "early," at 7pm! And baby didn't show for another week, tardy little toad. YANBU, refuse refuse refuse to pander to these crazy traditions!