Ah,,, christmas, pushy in-laws and new baby

[Mammie81]

Im due the first/second week of December.

DP and I decided that if the baby was early, we could probably take him round to our respective families houses in the morning/afternoon without much fuss. Then come home to a dinner cooked by me (its our first xmas in our flat too so I kind of wanted to make it special for us, as well as the new baby)

Even if baby comes on time Im not exactly sure how I'll feel about taking a 2 week old baby out for most of the day when I'll still be getting to grips with breastfeeding.
However, because we cant say for sure if that will happen ie if I need to have a C section/am still in hospital/maybe hes two weeks late and comes on xmas eve etc then of course we cant actually make any exact plans.

His family are having a bit of a moan that he wont be there in the morning to open presents and think that we should come over anyway to visit in the morning (they mean 7-8am of course) because this is their tradition. Of course he could go on his own but I know them, once hes there they wont want him to leave and he cant drive so would need me to get him. Id then get curtailed (even if I was able to drive that is!) and the day would pan out as they wanted. There are no kids in the house, just over 20's not yet moved out, so theres no reason to be up at 7am opening presents like 10 year olds would be doing.

AIBU to think that this year, they should put their tradition away because no one knows what could happen yet? Or even, god forbid, they could visit us?

Time for you to make your own family traditions now. Just tell them straight and fair that you don't know what you will be doing until closer to the time. I think when your baby comes you will be fairly determined about your decisions.

Let them go into a huff if they want to.

Totally agree that pressure is ridiculous - you do what you want to do - as you rightly point out you have no idea what kind of birth you will have, how bf will be, etc. However, just to put the other point, I did have a relatively easy labour and birth and by one week I was just about managing with bf, and decided I would go with dh and dd to big family event (22 people) at my parents'. It was lovely but exhausting. I was glad we did it - and my lovely, very supportive slightly bonkers family didn't bat an eyelid when I had a brief tearful meltdown in my parents' room.

BUT I had said all along that I would decide on the day how I felt about going and whether I was ready or not - so you absolutely should stick to your guns and tell them you won't go if you don't want to.

Start as you mean to go on, explain to all gps that this is your time to make your own traditions for your child as you are now parents.

I must have the most reasonable ILs ever. They arrived with a couple of hours notice on 21st Dec. I went into hospital and had DS2 on 22nd. Came home same day. They left either than pm or possibly the 23rd (can't remember!) And we had a quiet Xmas at home. My Dad also came to visit but didn't stay. We live about 100 miles from ILs and 300 from Dad!

i am just amazed at the fuss some people make. Good luck to you and stick to your guns!

We had this problem with our PFB, Lots of demands from PIL until i pointed out that MY family would forever more spend christmas day at home and not traipsing round the houses.

MIL was mightily put out, but by the time PFB's first christmas rolled around (she was born 28th dec!) she'd got over it. Now we see one set of parents Xmas eve, and the other Boxing day.

Stay at home and start your own traditions! I wouldn't want to be out on Christmas day with a newborn either. :)

I absolutely agree, you are about to be parents, it is time to make your own christmas traditions, on your own terms. His parents have to realise that he is an adult now, with his own priorties which should not be his parents but his own family. It is about celebrating a special time with your dc when they are small. The baby may be too small this year, but in the future he/she will not and I would advocate drawing a line in the sand now...good luck. I have been there myself and survived!

I agree with the rest-you must tell them that now you are a family you are starting your own family traditions.
It is ridiculous that an adult DS should be home for 7-8am to open his presents!!(surely as a teenager he wasn't up at that time?!)
Start as you mean to go on. You are a couple and parents first- and DCs second.
I generally stand up for MIL who get a hard time, but I am amazed by people who drive all around the country to go to their own parents on Christmas Day. I stay put and they come to me!

Selfish families drive me mad! Things change and they should not be pressurising you at all - they should be asking 'what can we do to help' and they need to understand their son has his own family coming now. Start as you mean to go on and don't put up with this kind of selfish shit

When a new baby (especially the first new baby) enters the family it is the perfect time to start your own traditions.

Your inlaws are being stupid (as you know already ) sounds like they need the point hammering home that your DP is a big grown up man now, a daddy to be no less and the important thing is that he is with his partner bonding with their new baby. Not rushing round to mummy and daddy's to open presents at 7am. They do realise he isn't 8 years old don't they?

Bollocks to 'em. I put my foot down when I was pregnant with dd and said that I would not be leaving the house, but they could visit us.

It worked!

Adults up at 7/8 to open presents???!!!

OMG that is the biggest laugh I have had in so long.

And ILs sit there watching their "children" do this?

And they are annoyed that your husband doesn´t want to?

Aren´t they desperate to see their new grandchild on Christmas Day?

Jeez,up at 7 am to open presents!
I spent years trying to make mine sleep late on christmas morning
Years trying to make them sleep late at weekends.
They had a stocking at the end of their beds and would take them into each others rooms when they woke up.Full of crap little presents and sweets and an orange,coloured pencils and notebooks.
DP and i would stay in bed for as long as we could..usually about 9am ish before we got jumped on.

Any plans you make now are likely to go totally tits up once the baby arrives anyway!

Tell them you're spending Xmas day together as a new family and if they want to call in at some point and see you and the baby then they're very welcome.

End of.

i've got a 14 week old baby and really regret taking him in the car to see family members in the first 6 weeks, their tummies are so tiny and breast milk is easily digestible so you will be doing boob boob and more boob and the baby is so little it is constantly hungry, hence crying in car and making himself hoarse on the m1.

make sure someone is taking care of you as you will be breastfeeding while someone chops up your xmas dinner for you.

Start making a new tradition now. This very year.

Your DH has left his old family behind. Not that he does not love them anymore, but you and your baby are his new family and they will learn to accept that. Eventually.

Stick to your guns.

YANBU from experience.

Moved back to UK when DS was 22months and it was first xmas with my parents. (he was 2.4).

I didn't have a car so mu said she'd pick me up at 9am Protested saying it wouldn't leave much time for me to give ds his presents but she said she had loads so he could do them later at home. I hd bought him a bike which Dad was delivering xmas eve so not sure where she expected me to hide it until the next evening.

So DS wants to play on his bike and with new toys in the morning, but we are picked up for parents house. Get there and they all have had breaskfast, DS and I haven't as no time, open pressies and then Dad, Bro and Sis all head off for Lifeguard swim at beach as normal but won't take DS and I in case he gets cold and they want to go to pub after. So DS and I left at Mums she's cooking in kitchen he wants to play with toys, many of which couldn't be taken from bioxes as needed building at home and couldn't be transported already built. Come dinner time he's tired, wanting to play, wanting to go home which happened at about 4pm.

The following year I had a car and just said we would do christmas at mine in the morning, go to bech to meet them, and thengo round for dinner and pressies after - much better and far more fun.

sod them all... you shouldn;t make plans as you have no idea what will happen. they are being unreasonable to expect you to commit to anything bearing in mind you'd have just had a baby. be as vague as you can and don't commit.

YADNBU! You need to nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW! My dcs are 14 and 11. Last year is the first Christmas we have spent alone in our own house! Every year about mid may, the whinging would start. Both sets of parents declaring it was their turn to have us on Christmas day. The row would continue all year until we gave in to the pressure from one or another. It'd been years since I had a drink on Christmas day, years since we watched a movie undisturbed. Last year I put my foot down and never again! I've missed 13 years of my kids Christmases. I'm going to enjoy the ones I've got left!

You will be making Christmas dinner? Are you sure about this? I breastfed and it was weeks before I could do as much as peel an onion without having to curtail it because DD would start crying for me.

Maybe I was particularly useless on the home front though .

Where do the in laws live? How many miles away?

I agree with others if you have a difficult labour or a c-csection there is NO WAY you can drive, let alone be up to cooking a Christmas dinner. Is there a KFC nearby??? Or maybe your DP can cook for the two of you?

One other thing, our dd1 is 10 wks old and in the first few weeks after we came home from hospital ( Had a c-section and was supposed to rest etc, lol) we had an army of well meaning friends and family arrive at ours daily, it really stressed me out. All visitors should be told SHORT VISITS ONLY, even if its Christmas. Trust me on this you will be bloody knackered and stressed already dealing with newborn you will not be able to cope with added stress and you sure as hell won't need it!!!!

Mammie YANBU!! I have been a lurker on MN for ages but your post has made me break my duck and post a response. Nip this in the bud while you can. Please yourselves, please. Last year I had a six week old PFB and a houseful for Christmas. My dad and sis were due down Christmas eve but came a day early because of the snow (they live 600 miles away). When my IL got wind of this they hopped in the car late in the evening and made the journey (about 30 miles) in crap weather in the dark because they didn't want to miss out. Cue five days of cooking, and playing host to a houseful of guests who barely lifted a finger, while trying to BF and get to know my fabby new DD, and not a minute with my family because my IL also delayed their departure until my family were off too. None of it was a surprise but you never get the time back and all I can remember about my DD first Christmas is peeling endless bloody spuds and stacking and unstacking the dishwasher. Didn't even get a proper seat in the living room at the end of the evening cos we don't have enough chairs. We still haven't planned what we are up to theis Christmas, but it is a source of endless discussion with DH. I am dreading it.

My DS arrived somewhat earlier than planned, before last Christmas, rather than after. He was still in SCBU on Christmas Day. We were meant to have spent Christmas Day with the inlaws (only 30 mins away) but instead they came to us and MIL and FIL cooked Christmas dinner in our kitchen.

It worked remarkably well. DH and I were free to scoot off to the hospital whenever we wanted and all food, drink, etc was provided. They sodded off about 7pm, leaving us with a quiet house and no washing up to do.

MIL even wrapped BIL's presents for him, as he has a fucking annoying habit of doing them at the very last minute and keeping everyone waiting.

If your DH's family are willing to muck in, could this be an option? They'd need to ditch the 7am thing though.

I'm very lucky, I think.

When dh and I got married, my Dad immediately said "its important you have your first married christmas alone" and he was right. We were 25, went to church and for a walk in the snow, opened our presents, had a fabby lunch, watched films.

Since our children (we have 3) were born we have spent one Christmas with each lot of parents. Never again! They can come to us if they like and they know it (MIL came every year until BIL (more favoured son, I'm not joking) had kids but now she stays home as they live locally and competitive granny-ing with Bils Mil means she cant not be there). We see her before CHristmas (she makes the effort to come for the children's CHristmas play at school, though I do wonder what will happen if it co-incides with the other children's play this year). We visit my parents on Boxing day, with the rest of my family (though this year we are hosting).

MY Dad has always been very insistent that we get our own traditions. I think he was very keen to escape his own parents traditions! Ours are a fab mix of both families - and it is a mix as dh's dad is German so there are a whole load of German "candles on the tree" type traditions as well as my famiy's "no tree till after Weegie's birthday on the 16th" tradition and lots of listening to really bad CHristmas music such as The Ray Connif Singers etc ......

But all out family want us to make our own way. And that's why I'm lucky! Cos they know how important it is for us to have our own way of doing stuff. This year our kids will be 10 (almost 11), 8 (almost 9) and just 7. Christmas for them is at home, with themselves, Mum and Dad and Paula, our single best friend whose family live a long way away and she is like family to us.