not letting my Mother look after my daughter?

[HappyKittie]

My Mother keeps asking when she can look after my daughter and I don't want her to. She lives by herself and has something wrong with her knee, every so often it'll just go out from under her. Last year it happened in the back yard, she fell backwards and hit her head off the brick outhouse. This is a regular thing, two or three times a month.

I don't want to leave my daughter with her incase that happens, she's only 12 weeks old and needs to be carried, what if she fell while she was holding her?

I'm not prepared to risk my daughters well being just to satisfy her selfish need. She's driving me mad.

AIBU?

yanbu
but could you go round and let her kind of look after your dd for a little while, but with you in the area iynwim

You know you are not, you don't need anyone else to confirm this. You do need to take your mum to the GP though and ask for a referal to a falls clinic.

I go to her house every week and let her help out but it doesn't stop her asking. She called me selfish for not letting her hold my DD when she was asleep on me and has even said 'She's my baby too.' WTF is that supposed to mean? I think she has some serious problem.

Thank you for your reply, I was starting to think I had gone nuts. x

She has already had one operation on her knee, they've said she needs a replacement but because of her age and how often they need to be replaced they won't do one.

Why can't your mum hold your daughter when she's sitting down and can't fall over.

She's not got a 'serious problem' as far as being besotted with her grandbaby is concerned, but you're right not to let her have the baby on her own.

She can and does, it's not a case of she never sees her or holds her, she does every week. When we go out she pushes the pram and feeds her while I eat my lunch, she is involved. But she is desperate to have my DD on her own and to take her out.

From her point of view she probably doesn't think that she is unsafe and she probably does feel like she has some ' ownership ' over your baby. That is natural.

So whilst you may not be unreasonable to protect your child maybe you are not explining your concerns sufficiently or sensitively ?? Just a possibility - only you know the personalities invovled.

Maybe I do need to have another talk with her, where the only topic is my DD and her safety. She's so volitile though, I can see it ending in an argument.

She accepts that she isn't steady on her feet, but she is still determined to look after DD on her own. This is what has made me so mad that she is putting what she wants before my DD safety.

Due to the problem with her knee if she gets down on the floor she can't get back up by herself. Another problem when she falls...

Once my DD is walking it'll be a little better.

Would she agree to putting DD in the buggy to move her around the house or when they are out, rather than carrying her?

Are there other things you are worried about or is this the only thing?

I know what she's like she would agree to it so she could have her own way but she wouldn't keep her word.

There are other things, she has shouted at DD just because she was crying, also she ignores my instructions which are important as DD has a routine.

My mum always talks about looking after my DD (18wks pfb) but I just don't like the idea.
I've left her with my in-laws a couple of times and feel fine about that, but there's just something about my mum's insistance that puts me on edge...
As for shouting at your DD, that would be reason enough for me to say no.

YANBU - and if she's shouting at a 12 week old for crying, I wouldn't even be going round there. How dare she.

Mind you I do have PFB syndrome

Say no but be sensitive, she really really wants to have sole charge of your dd and is therefore in denial about her propensity to falls.

What's the real problem because you don't sound very sympathetic or particularly nice about your mother. If it was my mother my op would have a very different tone because I'd be really upset that she couldn't be left with dd and would be trying to look for solutions. You don't sound concerned at all just pissed off with her for wanting to be involved with her gdaughter. Incidentally that's quite normal you know, for a grandmother to want to be involved.

why dont you just explain to her how you feel? YANBU but at the same same it doesnt seem like you've sat down and explained this to her, she may not ask so often if she knows why you keep saying no.

also surely you'd feel different when ure dc is older and not so delicate as well as not being held all the time?

@ Rocketbird

I don't sound sympathetic or nice about her because I've lost all patience with her. She is very manipulative and childish. If she can't get her own way she shouts, starts name calling and then just doesn't speak to me for a couple of days. Eventually when she can't stand not knowing how my DD is doing she phones me and asks how she is, she doesn't really ring to talk to me.

Last time I stood up to her and she couldn't get her own way she hit me. As you can imagine we don't have a great relationship.

Last time I stood up to her and she couldn't get her own way she hit me.

This is shocking. I'd be far more concerned about this than the falling over - as others pointed out there are ways around this. FWIW, my aunt who has severe narcolepsy looked after my daughter a morning a week from when she was 6 months. No harm came to either of them because my aunt was v v sensible about not taking risks with my baby. I was happy to have her help and confident that she would not endanger my child - she had after all brought up two children herself while suffering from the same condition and they turned out fine.

But no way would I let someone who sees hitting as a way to get her own way look after my baby. If she's prepared to hit an adult who might fight back, what on earth might she do to a vulnerable baby? And shouting at a tiny baby for crying (FFS, it's only talking, how else are they meant to tell you things) is totally unacceptable.

How old is she?
Could she be developing AZ or dementia at all, or has she always been like this?

Oh, YADNBU btw.

OP, I sympathise. I have a similar problem with my mother - except in her case, she's in denial about borderline alcoholism.

When she's sober, she's a wonderful, lovely woman and a fab grandma.

When she's been drinking... well, she once told my six month old DD to 'shut up, you little bitch' for crying when she bumped her head trying to crawl on her laminate floor!

If I could trust her not to drink, it wouldn't be an issue... but she doesn't recognise that there's a problem when she has been, so that's out.

I'm managing to fend her off at the moment because I'm still breastfeeding but she's been after having her overnight (no, no way and never!) from her being two weeks old!

Could you try that tactic, maybe... she can't have her for long because....

Maybe not much help, but you aren't alone!

@ Horton
It's great that your Aunt helps out but I don't think my mother would be any where near as sensible.

@ OTTMummA
She's 53. She's always been like this, she like this with every one even her own Mother.

@ginnybag
Thanks for sharing that with me. It does help to know that other people are in simmilar situations, it gives me a bit more perspective.

What is the obsession of grandparents having the grandchildren on their own that they have. My MIL had this and it really put me off leaving my DS with her. I don't understand what they think they can do differently when you're not there. YADNBU, if it was me I wouldn't be leaving your DD with her alone until she is able to talk and tell you what happens, seriously, I wouldn't even consider it before she's one