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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that MIL should be able to say more than 'is he there?' when she phones?

45 replies

DaisySteiner · 03/11/2010 21:04

DH and I have been married 10 years now. MIL has never been very communicative with me, but surely when I answer the phone, she should at least say 'hello' to me?! Phone rang just now, I answered and all she said was "All right, can I speak to him?"

I said, "oh, hello MIL, how are you?" and got "Foine" (Brummy accent) "Is 'e there?"

Now, is it just me or is that just plain fucking rude? I understand that some people find small talk difficult but REALLY!

Is it a Birmingham thing? Or does she just hate me?! She's supposed to be coming to stay for a couple of nights next week. I'm considering injuring myself so I can be a hospital in-patient for the duration...

OP posts:
jybay · 03/11/2010 21:14

Some people are crap on the phone plus she comes from a generation when telephone calls were seen as an expensive indulgence. So it may be nothing personal.

Does she have any other DILs or SILs so you can compare notes?

EMS23 · 03/11/2010 21:17

Lucky you, mine always wants to chat to me for an hour before I hand her over!

But no, YANBU, it is a bit rude not to even make pleasantries.

earwicga · 03/11/2010 21:17

I suppose she would just rather speak to him than you. Does she speak to you face-to-face when you see her? Now that would be rude if she didn't.

Bobbiesmum · 03/11/2010 21:23

My step mother does this to me, down right ignorant. YANBU

tearinghairout · 03/11/2010 21:25

Lol - my ILs are exactly the same, and I've whinged posted on here about it in the past. It gets my goat to, like you. I answer the phone to "Is he in?" Me: "Hello, yes, I'll just get him" They aren't interested in the niceties, they can't even manage a 'Hello' to me, or their dgch who answer the phone. Sad

Once I answered the phone to FIL, who said "Is the boss in?", to which I replied, "Speaking!". Silence, followed by an embarrassed laugh.

I think it's the height of rudeness not to say Hello and then say who's calling. Being wealthy and well-educated snobs doesn't stop my ILs from having no manners. No excuse for that, is there? So,YANBU.

Original poster
DaisySteiner · 03/11/2010 21:29

No, she doesn't really speak to me much when we see her. On one memorable occasion we arrived with all the children at about 9pm and she and the rest of the family were watching TV. Nobody turned it off, they just sat there watching it and ignored us, while we stood there awkwardly. If she needs to speak to me, she tends to speak through the children eg 'I wonder whether mummy would like a cup of tea?' WTF? I'm standing right next to you!

I'm not sure it's a generational thing - she's only 53!

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/11/2010 21:31

YANBU. That's bloody rude, no doubt about it.

I have Chatty MIL - I'm very fond of her but blimey, she can talk. She even managed to keep DS1 on the phone for half an hour once and that's no mean feat. He's not even her grandson :o.

earwicga · 03/11/2010 21:31

Well, she either doesn't like you or is intimidated by you.

YANBU - she is rude.

tearinghairout · 03/11/2010 21:36

earwicga my DH says that his mum is jealous of me. Hmm You know, the fact that he lives with me instead of her etc. Maybe it's the same for the OP.

Original poster
DaisySteiner · 03/11/2010 21:37

Hmmm, intimidated by me, that's a thought. I don't think I usually intimidate people, at least not unless I'm intending to Wink Not sure how to make myself less intimidating though??? Confused I try to make a bit of small talk, just to oil the wheels, I don't power-dress, I'm not taller than her, I don't start conversations about Newsnight or leave philosophy textbooks lying around. Unless being normal is intimidating for her Grin?!

OP posts:
tearinghairout · 03/11/2010 21:40

Daisy - it used to be a joke between DH & I that I 'didn't exist'. I remember listening to DH on the phone to his mother - "Oh, I'm fine...yes, work is fine... Yes, he's fine (DS).. reading well... Oh yes, she's fine.. (DD)... rides her bike now... Well, she's been unwell, had a swollen paw..."

So, she'd asked about DH, then DS, then DD, then the bloody dog!!!

TheBigZing · 03/11/2010 21:50

Two of my Dh's three siblings do "Is he in?" (the other one talks my ear off for an hour).

It's not a Brummy thing, they are from Durham. I dont know what it is. We've been together 18 years and they still can't say hello to me on the phone.

Fucks me off.

earwicga · 03/11/2010 21:53

Yep, tearinghairout - that's the sort of thing I meant. She may find you intimidating Daisy without you doing anything intimidating. I'm no expert though - I haven't usually got on with partners' mothers despite really trying.

Original poster
DaisySteiner · 03/11/2010 22:13

Hope it's not me! Got on with previous partners' parents famously (one lot even sent me a wedding present after I'd dumped their son for dh!)

tearinghairout - that reminds me of the time she phoned when I was 10 days overdue with ds3. She didn't ask about me once.

OP posts:
lucky1979 · 03/11/2010 22:34

Can you not just say "No" and put the phone down?

Taste of her own medicine and she can't really complain :)

onceamai · 03/11/2010 22:36

MIL's can be obnoxious - should have put mine in her place years ago - too late now.

Mitchymum · 03/11/2010 22:39

My SIL says Hello when she calls. I say hello back. She says hello, I insist on saying hello back.

Basically, I am in my home, they call me, they should introduce themselves.

I am used to it now, but, while not a big thing, it does irritate me.

jellybeans · 03/11/2010 22:46

YANBU. MIL refused to look and me or even say hello or acknowledge me for many years. She would come round and hand out gifts to everyone except me. Once I got very large size clothes (4 sizes too big) from the charity shop for a joke for my birthday from MIL... She also had a habit of snatching my DC off me when they were newborns and taking them as far away as possible and turning her back to me. Luckily, things got better in time but she can still be a piece of work.

babylann · 03/11/2010 22:52

I like to think my MIL doesn't talk to me cause she's shy. Or intimidated. Anything would be better than "not liking me or deeming me a suitable partner for her son".

ChippingIn · 03/11/2010 22:52

I'd hang up or say very loudly 'DH - it's your Mother being exceptionally rude again'...

2rebecca · 03/11/2010 23:13

I'm on MIL's side. I hate the implication that you are expected to make idle chit chat to whoever picks up the phone rather than be put through to the person you want to speak to because it's "polite".
One advantage of emails and mobile phones is you don't have to go through an intermediary.
If people ring wanting to speak to my husband I'm very happy to pass them straight on to him and hate it if they feel obliged to waffle on to me for a while.
I don't like phones much anyway.
My husband moans that my relatives talk to him too much and he'd much rather just pass the phone over.
I wouldn't take it personally and just accept that she hasn't rang to speak to you but to speak to your husband. let him answer the phone more.

tearinghairout · 04/11/2010 20:23

But 2rebecca, this is about being polite. It doesn't take much time to say "Hello Hair, it's Mil, is X there?

Just saying "Is he there?" is downright rude, and there's no excuse.

tearinghairout · 04/11/2010 20:27

No. Couldn't sink to their level, can't be blatantly rude. I would be too embarrassed.

2rebecca · 04/11/2010 20:57

True, but I find it frustrating when I'm short of time and want to chat to someone and their spouse picks up the phone and wants to have a long chat to me first even if I politely introduce myself and ask to speak to their spouse.
Perhaps if you enjoy talking on the phone it doesn't occur to you that some people don't and just want to relay a message to a particular person.
1 minute of pleasanteries is fine, 20 minutes of their ailments isn't.

Millenniumbug · 04/11/2010 20:57

Hi Daisy, no, YANBU. I have been with DH for 20 yrs now & married for 15yrs. MIL has never said hello to me on the phone, or phoned her 2 gch to wish them a happy birthday or Merry xmas. Recently, we went to BIL's birthday, MIL was there & didn't speak to any of us.
My MIL said that I was taking her son away from her when we got married. The fact that our marriage is a happy one and has worked is also a source of bitterness to her.
You are definately a threat to her - however unwitting it may be. For us, love is about family, caring for each other and warmth. For someone like our MIL's, love is nothing we'd recognise, it is about control and power. Quite simply, you have usurped her authority and she will never accept that. The part of the marriage service when the Vicar/Priest/Registrar says, "What God has/This marriage has joined together, let no man divide," doesn't seem to apply to our MIL's, their control over their son comes first.
I just think to myself, I'm only married in so in her warped view I'm not family. OK, then she's not part of mine. We obviously have opposite core values and I don't want someone like that associated with me or my lovely children.
Take the moral high ground. Don't bother getting involved in a big drawn out argument, she isn't worth upsetting yourself for. Keep smiling!

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