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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder whether those of you with problem MIL/PIL

31 replies

newlurker · 03/11/2010 14:45

had any inkling of how it was going to be before you got involved beyond the point of no (easy) return with their son - or was it once all sweetness and light then changed later in the relationship?
If the former did you ever have second thoghts about continuing with your partner? I once broke up with someone because I perceived his parents as a problem. I have sometimes regretted my action - but after reading some of the horror stories currently on this forum - I'm thinking maybe I was right after all...

OP posts:

storminabuttercup · 03/11/2010 15:06

What and give mil the satisfaction? Never!
shudders at thought of mil getting what she longs for
I can see why some people would though.

storminabuttercup · 03/11/2010 15:07

Argh didn't mean to but that in bold. Bloody mobile.

FetchezLaVache · 03/11/2010 15:08

I once broke up with someone because of his mother. She clearly had no intention of sharing her (35 year old) baby boy with anyone and he clearly had no intention of growing a pair and standing up to her. What did for us was when she came to visit him once (we both lived outside the UK, but not together). Firstly, I had to clear out all evidence of my ever having stayed in his flat overnight- couldn't just hide my toothbrush etc, as she would search every cupboard. I acquiesced to this, agin my better judgement. I stayed over the night before she arrived and left later than my ex, and I left a loving yet mild note in his bed (Something along the lines of, Have a lovely time with your mum, I will miss you, love Fetch xxx) and she found it. She claims she was looking for a particular teddy bear she'd once bought him. When he got home from work, she "confronted" him about it, said she had proof that I had not only stayed in his flat but clearly had my own keys as well!

His failure to invite her to fuck the fuck off rather tarnished his appeal, somehow.

curlymama · 03/11/2010 15:54

I didn't.

When Dh and I got together I already knew his parents as we had been friends for a few years. I stupidly felt really lucky that I had already built up a relationship with them as a person in my own right without having met them for the first time as the new girlfriend. We got on quite well for a couple of years.

I haven't seen them since the wedding a year ago, and I have no plans to see ever again.

NestaFiesta · 03/11/2010 16:04

My first marriage partly broke up because of MIL. I wanted children, and he had to ask his Mum first. She said no, not until our careers were established, so he refused to have children. NB we didn't have careers but she insisted we both train as teachers first even though we didn't want to.

It opened my eyes to the fact that he would always be hers before he would be ever be mine.

I'm now happily remarried. My MIL is a selfish, drunken,holy terror but lives 200 miles away and my DH isn't afraid to give her a bollocking every now and then. Ah, bliss.

pommedeterre · 03/11/2010 16:08

MIL was fine before dd. Except for taking over our house when she stayed. As I worked really long hours, although it ranlked a bit, looked on the good side of it.
Post dd and me spending most of the time at home when she visits she still takes over the house. She also takes over dd and pushes her child rearing opinions on me very forcefully.
I now think she is doolally and dread her coming to stay as we get locked in 'women of the house' battle. ACK.
I'm hoping it's first gc syndrome and will get better but given dh's bros and partner's money situation think it might have to be me providing the second gc too.
Can people be forced to reproduce?!

agedknees · 03/11/2010 16:08

Only met my mil about twice before the wedding. Sweetness and light.

Although my bf met her the day before the wedding and said she didn't envy me my mil. bf has been proven right.

Madinitials · 03/11/2010 16:12

MIL seemed okay (if a little too 1950s housewife but her choice) and FIL was definitely an idiot who took things a bit far in the first 5 years of my marriage to DH but they left us pretty much alone so it seemed fine. They certainly lost their minds and excelled themselves after the birth of DD1 though. If knew then what I know now I think we would have lived further away.

Madinitials · 03/11/2010 16:14

Pomme I'm always asking BIL about his relationship status, just wish he would hurry up, meet someone and have kids to take the pressure off us.

booyhoo · 03/11/2010 16:15

my last relationship ended partly because of PIL. and i have tbh and say any future relationships will lose points for awkward PILs, unless they lived very far away and were never likely to visit.

katiepotatie · 03/11/2010 16:20

My inlaws were both fine untill we had dc's, they have since turned into a pair of arseholes!

ChaoticAngel · 03/11/2010 16:21

I don't currently have a mil. If I do get into a relationship with someone who has a mother/parents who have the potential to become the mil/pil from hell then I would consider the way my partner behaves. If he was willing and able to stand up to her/them when necessary then I would proceed with the relationship. If he wasn't willing and/or able to stand up to them then I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

LindyHemming · 03/11/2010 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngel · 03/11/2010 16:23

Madinitials you'll have to become more proactive and start introducing your bil to some single women

Firawla · 03/11/2010 16:23

I knew mine were quite difficult as soon as I met them, but did not really meet them until quite soon before getting married and did not want to call it off or anything so just went ahead. we ended up having to live with them for a few years (kind of cultural, also we were v young and dh didnt feel able to stand up to them that much, altho he did on other issues in the house etc), they refused us to move out at all so eventually we just had to pack and leave, atleast dh did take a stand then and do that, if he would have just been like no we cant move and wanted to stay there forever i would have left him and got a divorce even though i love him v v much but wouldnt have been able to take that, luckily he would stand up to them now more, and i also stand up for myself so it is fine really. after been shown some boundaries and a bit of distance, it really improves the relationship i think!

but living with inlaws is not ideal at all, however nice they are i just dont think it would work! especially as we got married really young, pil just saw us as children ourselves and therfore felt it okay to boss us and felt they deserved control over everything, which if we had stayed would have continued that they would have thought they have control and be incharge of the dc too instead of me making the decisions and caring for them.

i dont think it is worth giving up the person you want to marry, unless he is one of these v spinless type that would allow pils to walk all over and abuse you, if he can keep a balance then fine, if they are difficult it can be dealt with if he is willing to deal with it

bintofbohemia · 03/11/2010 16:25

Had some teething problems with the ILs, from the word go we just didn't get each other.

We worked at it though and now we have a good relationship and see them every week and they love the DCs so even if things start badly they can get better. If the will is there on both sides.

BangingNoise · 03/11/2010 16:27

If I had known what DH's father and step-mother were like I wouldn't have got so involved. He warned me, but I couldn't believe that anyone could be that bad. I was wrong.

PunctuationPixie · 03/11/2010 16:29

Partly the reason I broke up with my first fiancée was his mother. I was too common, apparently. She would say the most vile things about me to other people while I was in earshot and was barely pleasant to my face. He wouldn't defend me to her and in the end I realised I just couldn't marry into that family without killing someone. I believe she threw a small party when she heard I'd dumped him.

Karma did play out, however. He 'reinvented' himself went off and married someone his friends describe as a 'chav lesbian' (not my choice of words) who also had a live in female lover and now has a fetish website and blog where he arranges swinging parties on-line.

I would love to bump into my almost MIL now and ask how I compare to his new wife. I've heard rumours that they don't get on.

honkytonk · 03/11/2010 16:31

My DH described his mother as 'difficult' while I was on the train to visit her for the first time. He also told me you could see her scalp through her hair (LOL).

Both turned out to be true!! DH and I are still together despite both of these 'facts'.

She continues to be a bit of a thorn in the side (it is her way or no way!). However since having the two kids I have less time and energy to worry about it!!!

Jux · 03/11/2010 16:32

MIL did seem all sweetness and light (though a bit dim) until I got pg. Then she became a nag. There were a lot of other problems too, not just with MIL but also with dh. I did seriously want to split up with him to at least get away from his mum, but perceived that as unfair on him, so stuck it out.

Madinitials · 03/11/2010 16:36

Chaotic BIL just smirks at me when I ask about potential girlfriends, he knows.

hatsybatsy · 03/11/2010 16:40

nope - i knew it would be bad before we got married. they are old before their time (ie been acting like OAPS since mid 50s) are both hypochondriacs and have zero social life which gives them waaaaay too much time to sweat the small stuff.

but they live 200 miles away. and as i leave organising their visits to dh, we don't see them that often.

no biggie

honkytonk · 03/11/2010 16:41

hatsybatsy Your PIL sound just like mine!!!

varicoseveined · 03/11/2010 16:43

My MIL was fine until a while after we got married. Thankfully I have a very assertive DH and we've got on much better than we did.

Itsjustafleshwound · 03/11/2010 16:43

I do agree with you that leopards don't change their spots ... but I don't think it is so insurmountable that we couldn't compromise or find a 3rd way...

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