or would you be annoyed too?

[domeafavour]

Seriously, please tell me.
DH had to go to Aus to see his mum. She was seeing the specialist about an sinus op. He left on Thursday, missed DS's birthday on Monday, which I was sad about but we had a lovely day. He got back this morning, went straight into work. But now he is out having a few drinks with work. His boss is in town and he feels like he can't say no, but why can't he just go for drinks and not the dinner?
His mum is ok btw. He flew all that way and it seems the specialist said he wanted to see her in 2 months, not 2 weeks, so not all urgent after all! Why couldn't he have just spoken to the specialist?
I'm just a bit annoyed that we seem to be way down on his list. TBH, I'm more upset for DH, who keeps asking for him and seeems a bit sad when he talks about him.
earlier thread here
oh and this one too!

Do you and your DH have a full and loving relationship? It sounds like he is never there for that to be possible, correct me if im wrong. I do know whats happening here but don't want to face the truth. His actions speak louder than words to me. Im sorry to say you might as well be a single parent. You have told him your not happy and why, still he does nothing. Time to stop flogging a dead horse and move on as I can't see what your getting out of this marriage!

Actually ignore that. He's not been around at all for 5 weekends and pissed off to Oz on a whim. Putting it on plastic.

You have every pissing right to call him out on it. Perhaps as people have said, you ought to have done prior to now.

Did you get any say in how your family would be covering that amount of debt? Is it going to be paid off next bill? Or will it be the minimum payment?

it could be stress/depression I suppose, the flouncing and stuff.

Is there any chance he could be playing away? Does he leave his phone lying about or is he secretive?

Something is not right.

sit him down and tell him to spit it out. This can't keep on. Something has to give.

Sorry I meant you say YOU know whats happening here.

from my point of view, I think he is being very dramatic about his mum. It doesn't help that she took him to the bank to sort out will and power of attorney.
But I can't call him on that, because that would be heartless, I can't second guess how he is feeling about that.
Came down this morning and he has priced up another flight to go in Dec!!
He earns the money, but yes it could go a long way to a holiday for us all.
He is so rash, I can't get him to see sense.

I think the last couple of posts are spot on actually.
I think something does have to give. But I don't think it's going to come from him
If this is how he is going to be, then I don't want it.
I honestly think he loves the idea of a family, but he can't do it. And I think subconsciously he is happy to be away from us.
But I also think he is stressed and depressed. So how long do I help and support him for? He needs to get away from this job, but is so obsessed with earning money.
I think he has finally accepted that he needs to change jobs, he just got his bonus letter and it wasn't good, even though he has worked his arse off, he really has. But there just isn't money to go round.

Do we have a full and loving relationship? I feel like if we could get all the shit out of the way we would have a fighting chance. We are best friends, and have fun and good times, when it's good.

Could he be playing away? It would fit,and probably explain a lot and God knows he is away from the house enough.But I would say no.He has a phone and a blackberry for work and they are attached to him, but he is constantly using them! He knows if he was that would be the end.

You know what, after all the crying about him missing us and being torn between us and his mum(dramatic), I don't think he looked in on DS last night when he came in

You sound so sad :( Have an un-MN hug.

Do either of you have plans for this weekend?

we have a huge weekend planned.
It's DS's birthday party on Sunday, and family coming over for that, so big day out with them on Sat too. He is going to Twickenham for the rugby on Sat, is taking clients.

Honey, "But there just isn't money to go round."

He has just blown £1200 on a weekend in Australia...

He is obsessed with earning money. Maybe. He seems better at spending it.

so he is out this weekend too? He'll come home late and lashed?

To me he sounds in denial about being a dad/H etc. Perhaps his colleagues are all single/divorced?

He sounds as if he's freaking out about being a dad, the responsibility seems to be getting to him.

Have you ever checked his phone?

I think you have the right to ask him to have a home weekend, to recharge his batteries. give his liver a rest etc

If we can establish the root cause of all this it can be resolved. one way or another. At least you'd know where you stand.

I meant there wasn't enough bonus money to go round. Bonuses were cut across the board.
Yes, he is obsessed with earning money, because he wants to spend it. He wants to be able to have enough in his bank account to be able to go and see his mum at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure whether this is an insecurity issue, as he didn't have much money growing up. Or he feels like he needs to prove himself.
But he also likes the idea of a lavish lifestyle, no doubt about that.
No his colleagues are mainly family men, but they do earn a lot of money,so he feels he needs to keep up there. they have had a lot of years of good bonuses, whereas he came in in the last couple of years, with small bonuses and we are only just back on our feet financially. We have just remortgaged the house and are back to square one, with his good salary coming in, and mine will be very good too. So financially we are looking very strong.
I think he is just too selfish to be a good family man.I have been fooling myself into thinking I could help or change him. But I have to decide when enough is enough. I know it's coming.
I haven't looked at his phone for a while, I haven't been suspicious for a while. I have had good reason to be suspicious in the past.Which is a whole other story, but would definitely not but him in a good light. He wasn't unfaithful but the intention was there.

I'm just rambling now. I know what needs to be done, it's just very hard. No-one to talk to in RL really

Well it's either
stress/depression or near nervous breakdown.

Obsession with money

Needs to look successful, so needs to prove himself

he doesn't want to live here, wants to be in Australia

simply too selfish, are some men just not cut out for it?

or an affair

or, of course, all of the above!!

I think it's stress.

Family life too difficult/requires concentration, therefore he takes easiest option and ducks out of it. Nothing to do with you but I think he may be one of those men who always looks for an instant solution to everything, and if there isn't an instant solution then the problem gets avoided. Don't think it is about you to be honest.

What to do about it though? Tricky.

Even if you did have people to talk to in RL, sometimes its easier here because you can be completely honest and know it wont come back and bite you on the arse.

My OH is a bit of a twat when he's stressed. Makes me wonder why I ever married him and how I can stay with him for the rest of my life.
I have to help him unwind without him realising that's what I'm doing because I think men are REALLY bad at admitting being stressed so never address it.

Obsession or a healthy interest in making money is a good thing. Wanting to ensure you have enough money in the bank to do what's important is also a good thing.

BUT

Making that important thing buggering off literally all the way across the world for a weekend, perhaps cos his mum is so far, possibly for the FLASH value NOT A GOOD THING.

Re-mortgaging in this climate? and blowing money on reckless and unnecessary trips when you have not spent the previous 4 weeks with your family? ALSO NOT A GOOD IDEA

He is behaving like a gambler, trying to earn more and more and more, not to save it, but to blow it or fund the daft stuff he's already done.

I'm inclined to agree with StillSquiffy, It is most likely to be stress, this running away from the family cos it's the easiest option and he somehow knows he's letting you down emotionally, and trying to do the best he can to make up for it. The instant gratification of work/salary.

How old IS he?

Mine is/was an arse when stressed. Vicious, nasty and cruel. I hate him. It has damaged our relationship to beyond salvation.

How could he be tempted to take a second to unwind? FunkyCherry, what do you do?

Domeafavour, you can post and say whatever you like here and no-one will judge. Even if they do, you can tell em to naff off, change your name and no-one will ever know.

Here IS better than RL in many ways.

OP, it does sound as though your DH's behaviour is upsetting you. Esp re the skipping off to Australia thing, and not being around for his family thing, I can see how you'd be upset. Rather than judgements about personality though, I'd say it looks like someone who's too stressed to think clearly.

Re breakdown, what you describe rings some alarm bells for me. My DP went through a nervous breakdown shortly after the 2008 crash: he works in financial services, was regularly doing 90-hour weeks, is driven (like yours sounds) by having grown up without much. So he worked like a blue-arsed fly, found it hard to say no to work, and when the crash happened it all just got too much, especially when the bonuses dried up.

If your DH is behaving erratically, struggling to prioritise, taking on too much, and taking you - his nearest and dearest - for granted then he may be near the end of his tether.

Physiologically, if he's been running on adrenaline for some time, that can do serious damage in the long term. It's a biological thing: adrenaline is produced for a fight-or-flight response, but if he's in fight-or-flight all the time, loads of adrenaline is being produced, and there isn't time for it to be dispersed. A build-up of adrenaline could do severe long-term damage to his autonomic nervous system (the stuff that controls digestion, sleeping, sex drive and so on). This is the physiological basis of burnout. It's more common than you'd think, especially in driven, high-achieving people.

I haven't read your other threads, but if you love him and want him to stay healthy look out for symptoms such as:

diminished sex drive
poor sleeping (wakes up early, can't get to sleep etc)
nightmares
panic attacks
disturbed digestion (eg doesn't eat, eats too much, sudden weight gain or loss)

If you start seeing these sorts of things, he needs to do more exercise (helps burn off excess adrenaline), maybe consider doing a mindfulness/meditation course (sounds a bit woo-woo but meant seriously, it's often prescribed to help recovery from burnout) and see a doctor PRONTO. If it tips over into full-scale burnout it will take him years to recover.

Good luck x

I make a consious effort to put up with it for a set period of time rather than rise to the bait e.g. I think: for today if he says something I don't like, rather than saying 'who the hell do you think you're talking to?' (Like I normally would)I let it go and offer him a cup of tea. --- That's not to say he gets away with it, I just bring it up when he's in a better mood.

Or I ask 'Have you spoken to 'best friend' lately? He might then 'phone him for a rant which seems to help.

I also start jobs which I know unwind him. So I strim the edges of the garden, he then decides to mow the lawn and I know he gets a sense of accomplishment from doing it.
Same as if I wash my car, he'll take over, do a great job (does the inside too which I won't :) )
That also gives me the opportunity to praise - lol

Think of it like house training a puppy; They don't understand what they're being told off for if they piss on the carpet, but they know they like the praise when they pee in the garden!

That's not to say I'm a doormat, just CHOOSING to cut him some slack (just for the day mind :) )
I don't think this approach works when someone is being abusive, just when they're temporarily stressed.

I think you need to not be emotional, clingy or in any way guilt inducing. You need to set him down and logically, rationally talk through why you think this is totally unfasir and ask what is going to do about it (if anything).
My dh always knows when I'm really upset as I actually go icy and logical rather than emotional and teary. Seems to scare him into at least talking it through.

Ok I know this is not on the main point but I am absoloutely at the concept of going to Aus for the weekend.
DH travels a lot. Goes to Aus two or three times a year but would never contemplate a weekend trip. That is madness.
He is barmy. There is no rational explaination for that decision

I know, I went to Aus for 10days for a wedding and thought it was a short trip for that far away!

thank you all
He is definitely stressed, he flies off the handle for the stupidest things.
pottonista thanks for your experience, it sounds a bit scary, but all very familiar. He has very little sleep,and is exhausted at the weekend, so never on top form then. his digestion is awful, he is very overweight, used to be very fit.

He is 41, firecracker. I'm sorry you hate your H, does this all sounds a bit familiar?
I can see a time soon when I will hate him, atm I really don't want to see him.

The remortgage was to get the loft done on the house which ended up costing more. We still have a lot of equity in the house, don't worry. And that's another thing, he is obsessed with paying off the mortgage early!!wants to make big payments off it. it's not good enough to just pay it off monthly like normal people!

he needs to unwind, in some ways I wouldn't mind if he resigned. With my new salary, we would be absolutely fine.But lets wait until I get there first!
He is talking to his boss today and it wouldn't surprise me if he got told to go home.

Pag, do you think he has lost it already? It was 4 days.
He's done a week before I think, this was the shortest. I agree, it's nonsense. Much more reasonable to talk to the specialist, see what he has to say and then plan a trip, if she has to have an op. but he wouldn't listen. But then I'm the practical one.
We are supposed to be going in Feb anyway!!

It sounds as if he is on a complete rollercoaster and he can't get off. Can't let himself get off maybe? He sounds frenetic.

Does he work in the City? Sounds like some of the men I used to work with. An odd sort of mentality - super competitive, work hard play hard type thing. You are in a bubble, work is everything, who is doing the best having the most luxurious extravagant lifestyle. You dont stop to think - taxis everywhere, lots of travel. These men feel safe and admired at work - at home they have to deal with real life and dont have everyone thinking they are marvellous. One of the senior men I worked with came into work in the Christmas week even though he didnt need to to escape his (actually very nice) family . Its easier for them there. Work becomes your life (weekend client things I see). Avoiding this shit was one of the reasons DH and I left London its not conducive to a happy home life. I dont know what the solution is but feel for you. I do know one of my old colleagues dropped dead of a heart attack at 43 sorry if that is scary but I dont think being like this is sustainable.

yes, he works in the City!!
Sounds spot on Kerala, been seduced by the City

It sounds like living with a really brattish child. sorry but how exhausting!

he is setting himself far too high goals. He'll injure himself. What if he breaks down? His body will just stop him in his tracks if he doesn't listen to it.

What then? I've had that happen, at 18, it wasn't pleasent. But it did teach me to be able to work damned hard, but to within my physical and stress limits.

Or worse, he could end up like Kerala1's late-colleague?

The admiration and status thing, it is so ugly isn't it? especially when it means them treating supportive and loving family members like a burden. And for what? a big salary and therefore a massive maintenance/divorce settlement.

does he have any non-city friends that could do the man talk with him?

Could you suggest counselling? he needs some sort of stress release.

I feel for you domeafavour. Whatever it takes I hope we can help you sort this out.