family

[mum2be2]

Hi All.
sorry for the long post , spelling mistakes etc but once i started i couldnt stop.
First post but i am hoping that someone out there will be able to give me some advice.

I come from a family of four sisters of which i am the youngest by 15 years. I dont have a close relation ship with any of my sisters at all partly because of the fact that they all treat me like a child even though i am now nearly thirty. Which means that none of them have any problem with telling me what to do in my life even though i am married with a son and another one on the way. Anyway i am due in 4 months and am actually dreading the baby being born because i know what my family are like.

When I got married everything to do with my wedding was wrong ? the church was wrong as i chise to get married in my husband?s church that he and his family attended regularily as opposed to the one my mum attends ? that i havent set food in since i was 12 years old. Of course that meant that the entire service was wrong from the hyms we chose to the readings ? and everything else like my wedding dress ? mink coloured as opposed to white - apparently advertising teh fact taht i wasnt a virgin ? even though a white dress made me look as though i was at deaths door as i am so pale. Then the house that we moved into after we got married ? it is bigger than anyone elses in my family but we could afford it ? apparently far too big for the two of us and a waste of money ? and wnet my sisters came round to see it not one could say anything nice about it.

Sundays are a big thing in my family ? well everybody forever irregardless of what else is going on in their lives goes down to my mums on a Sunday to spent the afternoon in a room where ther tv is on full blast and no one talks to each other as they have nothing to talk about cause they see each other three or four times as week and the kids are all shouting and moaning because quite frankly they are bored but are forced by my sisters to sit there. I decided when i got married and my husbands family live a bit further away that we would go every other week or even every two weeks so that we could visit his family and also have days out ourselves ? the hell i got for that ? every Sunday i wasnt there i got endless texts from my sisters asking where i was and what i was doing. I should mention that we never went to my mums for lunch so it wasnt as if we were putting her out or anything like that and that my dad is in a nursing home and until recently came out every Sunday ? but on the weeks that i didnt go to my mums on a Sunday i always made sure that i called in an saw him on the Saturday or some night during the week.

Then when my first son was born ? my entire pregnancy was public and everything i did was wrong from the type of buggy i chose ? far too expensive ? it was a quinny buzz we got half price in the sale, the hospital i chose ? it wasnt the one my sisters went to with their kids but it was the most convient for me and my husband, the maternity clothes i wore ? far too expensive for such a short period of time ? dorothy perkins . Then i was told to throw out all my pre pregnancy jeans as i would never fit into them again having put on three stone during my pregnancy ? my mum even with twins never showed until she was six months.... but when i did fit into my size 8?s three months after my son was born i was obviously starving myself ? nothing to do with the fact that i was breastfeeding a 9 ½ lb baby who was 14lb at 6 weeks....

Then the real trouble started. When the baby came everyone expected that i would start going to my mums every Sunday ? even though the house is really noisy ? she has cats & dogs running about all over the place the dog which is really old and cross ? snaps at everyone - and the cats are let the run of the house ( nothing agains cats & dogs ? i have three cats (outside) and a dog myself who has been introduced to my soon from day one and three years later are best friends) and she refused to shut the dog up or put outside when i was there with the baby ? meanwhile whilst breastfeeding he was jumping up sniffing etc ?not v easy for me. So i stopped going down because it was stressing me out ? and as my husband works 15 hour days and the weekend is the only time he has with his child i felt that it was more important to spend the time bonding with my husband and son. Again though i made sure that once or twice a week i visted my dad in the nursing home when my mum was there. Not right as my nieces and nephews and sisters didnt feel as though they were getting to know the baby .... even though they sat and played their playstations the whole time. My mum and sisters came to visit me once a week or so for the first 6 weeks after the birth but once i was able to drive ( i has a c section and then had to have a further operation when the baby was three weeks old) i was expected to do all the visiting and was phoned up regularly could i take my mums here and there etc (no one else in my family drives ). On and on this went until i went back to work three days a week ? my days of i chose to spend going to mother and toddlers, swimming pool etc meeting up with my mummy friends (as much for me but also so that my son who is looked after by my mil could have company his own ages) doing my cleaning and shopping etc so that my weekends where free to spend with my husband ? who at this stage left in the morning before the baby was up and v rarely got home before bedtime. One of my sisters in particular started giving off about the fact that i didnt meet up with them for lunch during the week ? something i have never done ? and why were my friends more important ? and why didnt i take my mum out places those days and why didnt i take my dad out ( ignoring the fact that he is in a wheelchair with v poor mobilty and i drove a Citeron C1 that i couldnt fit the buggy into never mind anything else..... ) and i was told that i let my son rule my live.......i shouldnt work around his feeds naps etc ? he should be made to wait /sleep in car seat etc etc .

My mum is constantly taking funny turns ( always the middle of the night, loses the power of speech cant move etc etc ? but when gets to hospital the doctors can never find anything wrong with her ? she has had scans and blood tests galore and is on tons of medication just in case - and low and behold if she is admittedshe recovers as soon as she is on a ward). It is at the stage where no one believes her ? not even her own doctor and as this always happens when someone else in the family is ill we can only determine this is attention seeking. Eveytime this happens i am called to take her to the hospital, collect my sister from the hospital , take clothes down etc ? which i dont mind and am happy to do ? if my husband is at home. At least half a dozen times in my sons first year this happened ? always after my sons bed time and i was told to stick him in the car seat etc and bring him with me etc and even one night my sister was looking after him whilst we went out ( the first time since he was born) my mum came up in a taxi supposedly ill and demanded that my sister take her to the hospital ? with the baby in tow.
Things eased of for a while until i got pregnant again ? after a hard battle with postnatal depression ? which my mum cheerfully told everyone about as that was now everyone in the family ? and fertility problems. I dared complain about morning sickenss ? i couldnt even keep water down ? i was told to shut up sure its what i wanted..... then i got got offered an elective section ? i should be made to try like everyone else because my sisters didnt have it that easy ... have chosen to continue to go for long walks, cycle and other forms of mild exercise ? i am doing the baby harm ? even though i have come of my antidepressants and have been advised that exercise releases endorphines to combat depression ? and as i am not stuffing my face with cakes etc i am obviously starving myself so as i dont put on weight ? even though at 5 months i am much bigger than the last time!.
In the meantime my mum has stopped bring my dad out of the nursing home as he is too much hassle. I have made the effort either every other Sunday or one of my days of to call in and see him ? but my sons hates going in ? he loves his grandad and will sit happily anywhere else outside of the nursing home on his knee and do puzzles etc and stories but in there he doesnt get any peace with the other residents and after fifteen minutes wants to go and gets hysterical if we dont . my mum said to my son at the weekend ? your grandad wants to know why you havent been down to see him this week and i told her how much he dislikes it . I was told to make him stay as his grandad was getting upset. I left and my other sister ( who lives miles away and only visits at the most once a month) gave off to me saying my mum ( not my dad ) was really upset that i hadnt bothered going down last week....

I know when the new baby comes it will just get worse ? especially when my son will be starting school in september and i wont have the same free time. My husband thinks that i should just stop making an effort to see anyone as it is getting me down so much but i dont know what to do. Whether i am the one being unreasonable ? or my family?

Mumtobe You need a bloody holiday from your family. I feel stressed just reading your post! Your family sound a bit much and seem to be jealous of your life!

They have got you over a guilt barrell, you sound like you make such an effort, try and enjoy your pregnancy, ignore their calls for a bit and enjoy your family - DH, DS & new baby to come.

I'm sure someone will give you some better advice, but I'm sending you some support and best wishes

I agree with your husband. What a suffocating bunch of people your family are! Do you get anything out of being involved from them? If not then stop answering calls and stop seeing them. Let your husband explain why to them.

Your children will be small for such a short time and you deserve to be well and enjoy your time with them and your husband. You have your own family now who love you just the way you are - you don't need or deserve to be criticised and suffocated by the family you were born into.

I think you need to detach yourself from all this and have a rest.
My mother has exactly the same unidentifiable funny turns if it is any consolation, with the same apparent cause. It is hard now to know what to believe with all the health scares, it is amazing for instance how she caught MS from my friend .

As for the nursing home visits, that is tricky. If you have nobody to leave your child with when you visit then you can't go. That's that. Write a letter each week instead.

Big families have a certain dynamic and everyone has an opinion. The trick is to engage on your terms rather than theirs. Be assertive when it comes to personal matters i.e. stand up for yourself and your children rather than being treated like a child or insulted. If you don't want something like morning sickness or depression to be public knowledge, keep it to yourself. If you don't want opinions on pregancy, child-birth, child-rearing etc., then stay off sensitive subjects and stick to platitudes. When it comes to visits, set a schedule that you're happy with and resist pressure to do otherwise. If your sons don't like granddad's nursing home then visit solo. If you can't make it to a hospital when your mother has another episode, then say you can't make it.... it doesn't make you a bad person.

Listen to your husband because he's got the right idea. You don't have to stop making an effort, simply decide that you're no longer to be taken for granted.

another one who is stressed just reading your post!

as much as we are told we must be as close to our parents when we are parents ourselves etc, it doesnt always work that way. take some time, and fgs, please stand up for yourself a bit more. you have your own family now, and your energy is devoted to them, not people who seem to cause nothing but stress and misery.

they sound so overbearing it isn't normal. you've grown up, you don't need to go running to every beck and call

Just because something is 'normal' or 'expected' within your family does not make it either normal or healthy.

Just been thinking some more about this and came back on to say something similar to what Chil has said above.

Well done for recognising that it isn't right the way things are. You have spelt out very clearly in the OP the controlling nature of your family, your mother especially. It's ok though, I'm from a large family with a controlling mother, and it took a long time to recognise it and stop reacting to it like a child does (which is what I did and I'm not saying it is what you do).

I think in practical terms, as you know you are an independent adult and seperate from your family it important that your speech needs to start reflecting this. Perhaps there are sites on the net that will be able to coach you on speaking assertively? If you are able to set the tone in conversations then that will help enormously. Probably others on here will be able to help with that.

You don't need to do hospital runs etc. You have very young children and I assume your sisters have much older children and they should recognise it is easier for them to do this.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and I am so sorry about the sickness. I had it all the way through and like you, couldn't even keep water down.

Thanks for your posts. Its so nice to hear that i am not being a bad person. I grew up with my dad being really ill from i was about 4 and my mum suffering from depression and as a result i dont want my children to be witness to the same thing if i can help it - i hid my depression from my husband and son for almost a year because i was so ashamed of it - and when i did eventually get help and told my family - my mum announced well there you go thenwe are all mad - and laughed. Its almost as though no one wants me to have an easy life - especially when it comes to things like money - my husband earns a fair bit but he does work very hard and i also earn a fairly good salary - but i studied for years whilst working to get my exams because i had no money for uni etc so i think i have earnt it. Every time i spend any money on anything i get flack for it. My husband bought my son a coat out of m&s last week - my sister who doesnt work and has chosen not too even though her children are now high school age - scoffed and said that must have been really expensive - i said no actually it was around £20 - pretty resonable for a winter coat for a three year old that is fully lined etc - all i got was "well thats really expensive to me - all my clothes come from charity shops" she asked about the coat i didnt say anything about it!. And i dont have anything against charity shops - all my clothes as a child where bought out of them and now a days if i walk past and see a bargain i will buy it! we are always slatted for going on holiday twice a year - we go on camping holidays well out of high season not 5 star resorts and i do all the cooking etc - thats how we afford them. TBH this all started when i met my husband - when i was living with my previous boyfriend and had literally no money couldnt drive and struggled to manage on one wage a week everything was fine!

It is not a good idea to spend so much time with people who really don't like you very much

On the visits to the old people's home, I remember going to visit my great granny in a nursing home. I used to hate it, it smelt, she always gave me a very dry granny kiss and would ask me name and how old I was at least 5 times before all the other old people would shout at her. I was 5.
However I am so glad I got to go because I remember her and know she was really lovely.Even if I did always moan about going! It can be a bit much for small children but I still think it's important, for your dad as well. Go on your terms though, and when you want to, not just when your family is there too

I really want my son to know his grandad and he does love him to pieces - its the other residents some of who do shout at him and the heat of the place - i alwats have him stripped right down to a vest its that warm that he doesnt like. If i had my way i would bing my dad out to us on a sunday but our house is not at all wheelchair accessible ( my mums was renoavted especially) and he is v overweight and it wakes two people to lift him - not easy when you are pregnant - and needs assistant with the toliet etc which he will not let me do ( which i can fully understand) what i dont want to do is force my son so that he ends up he really doesnt want to go and see his grandad i would rather do it on his terms so that it is a much more enjoyable experience for all - but thats not enoungh for my lot! i should mention that out of 7 grandchildren he is the only one that has ever visited his grandad there before he stopped coming out . Even though the other grandchildren are 8 and above they are not being expected to go, two of the grandchildren are in their twenties and the have never went

"TBH this all started when i met my husband "

There's certainly some jealousy/inverse snobbery going on. Some families find it especially tough if they think someone is 'getting above themselves'. Really, you have to rise above it and develop a very thick skin. If someone says 'the coat must have been expensive' your response is 'that's none of your business'. If you get flak about two holidays, same response. You don't have to justify your income, spending habits or your lifestyle to anyone.... and neither does your sister who has chosen not to have a job.

Just clear your lines with your mum and dad ie what you're doing and why you're doing it, and be nice when you see your sisters, and get on with living your life your way. They will comment and squabble and bitch and mutter, that's what they do. If you go to the other extreme, they will still do that.
They do like you actually, they love you. I feel qualified to comment on that as I too am the youngest of 4 sisters and I was somewhat babied (and I'm 43!). I think where there is a big age gap they will have taken part in caring for you when you were small and they just have great difficulty making the transition from the baby to the peer which they should have made. Mine have.
Our Mum and Dad are no longer around. But so long as I was 'alright' with ma 'n' pa I just got on with a new, very different to theirs, life.
They're alright, the old bags, I'd ring them at 3 in the morning for anything and they'd come, even though they think I'm rather weird.

Re visiting your Dad in the home. I used to take my dc to visit Dad when he was in hospital long term. I stopped when Dad became very concerned about all the badgers in the ward and the fact that the nurses were walking around with badgers on leads
Is there a little park or something nearby. Could you take a flask of tea and a couple of drinks for the dc and have a quick wheel around outside, let Dad watch your dc have a quick game of football. My experience is that when someone is in long term care the family do need to get together and sort out how it's to be dealt with. Luckily we sorted out a rota amongst the 4 of us, although we all went in together for reviews/consultants appointments.

We have been 2 years 7 months without having a 'never talk to you again' row. That is a record for us, we are celebrating. I once went nearly 3 years without talking directly to one of my sisters but I still knew every detail of her life. I know how difficult sisters can be, it was never my fault of course.

You poor thing. i got very stressed and angry on your behalf reading this. Chil is so right, it does seem like jealousy/inverse snobbery. you and your DH have worked very hard and you have the right to do as you please, do what makes you happy, put your family (DH and DC's) first and not justify or feel guilty for your choices in life. Makes me so angry that our families can get to us so deeply. You need to be strong and rise above it, and try and distance yourself from all their sniping and pressure. You have to look after yourself & your unborn baby. It's a difficult situation you are in but at least you have decent in-laws by the sound of it.
Sorry, not particularly useful comments but I felt so wound up by your post that I had to comment. they are unbelievably unfair to you, and I think you are probably such an incredibly nice person that you can't say no, and can't help feeling so obliged and guilty... I think they know that and exploit it.
good luck dealing with it all x

springlamb - did anything change 2 years and 7 months ago to make this happen?

I know what you mean about still knowing everything about a sibling's life even when you are not talking to them!

mum2be2 - you can't have it your 'own way' though. You have to take the situation as it is and do what is practical. Child doesn't like nursing home, which isn't surprising. Either your dad stays in his room when you visit or child doesn't go.

no - unfortunately there is nothing outside the home other than a car park not even a garden. When my husband comes with me he will take him out in the wheelchair & we will
go for a walk down to the local park or get an icecream or something but that only works if he is there. He has been in the nursing home for over ten years now so its not like its a new thing but the reason my sisters dont go down during the week or weekend is that no one drives - that said it is only 7 miles away from where three of us live so its not a difficult bus journey. One sister doesnt work at all but looks after my other sisters two kids after school so she says that during the week she doesnt have the time and the other sister works 5 days but only recently used to work 3 days but could go as couldnt drive and the other sister lives 20 miles away so a rota doesnt really work. i just know that when i go off on maternity leave it will be the same as the last time. You would think by now that they would have realised that i am a grown up too but i cant turn to them about anything - believe me i have tried - their problems are alway much worse and i got to the stage i dont tell them anything.

Other who agrees with your DH. If they are being horrible to you, then they aren't a support network, they are just another problem.

Your parents and sisters aren't your priorty now, that's your DS, your DH and your soon to be DC2.

re the cost of things (with the coat, the house, the maternity clothes etc) I get that too from my parents (anything above £2.50 is a waste of money in my Dad's eyes). I've started saying "Well, we can afford it, so why not?" and "I'd rather spend a bit more and get something that will last." and "Yes, DH works really hard."

I'd start practicing saying "No, sorry, that doesn't work for us."

And agree with the advice to take a holiday from them. Maybe be unavailable for a month, see how you feel then - and would consider going to DH's family for Christmas. (assuming you have less hassle from them)

Yes, unfortunately, dad got very ill (he died 2 years ago).
I first came across the sister I hadn't spoken to in A&E after he'd taken a bad fall and had a head injury. There was no atmosphere, the next day when we knew he was in long-term we all met at my house and put our cards on the table and actually listened to each other.
Two of us were working, one of us had serious health issues, and I have a disabled son who takes a lot of caring for. We decided that Dad needed visiting every day so we drew up a unwritten rota. DH and the BILs chipped in as well. It worked.
When Dad died I think we all realised we had no referee anymore and that actually we did want to be part of each others' lives. So we very carefully, taking great care not to offend, restructured our relationship and poked our noses out of certain contentious issues such as why Her husband never works, why She's never got any money, why That One is such a control freak, and why I think it's important to use a tablecloth on Sundays.
It's nice now.

I am sorry they are just so unco-operative. I don't think it is unreasonable for them to take part in the visits.
Well I think you need to throw it all into the wind and simply say to them all together at the same time 'I cannot keep on doing this I am really feeling very bad about it you would not do it to your own children. Now I am going because I am too upset to stay. Talk to you soon' and walk out. It could go either way.
Others may suggest you walk out and stay out, lose the lot of them, and sometimes I would suggest that too. But I don't think you will do that at this stage. You might if this carries on another month though. Think about if you would want to go that route.

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago about a woman who was at the beck and call of her family because she had retired early. She was given a pep talk by MNers on how to be assertive and stick up for her needs. It might be worth browsing. Sorry, useless at links to threads but someone else may remember it.

This is why i dont want to just not have anything to do with them anymore like my husband says as they are my family. My mum and dads own brothers and sisters never visit and i havent seen any of my cousins in years although they are a lot older than me. I dont want that to happen with my son which is why i do try because i do feel family is important. i dunno if maybe i am being selfish now though because i want to have my life too? when my dad took ill year ago none of my sisters lived at home and they all had their own families - either just married or young kids etc. I dont remember them spending a lot of time at home and i no for a fact that i looked after my dad on my own when my mum did the shopping erc from i was about 8 or so. i dont and nor will i ever resent that because i am and always have been a real daddy's girl. My inlaws are great and they help us out a lot. My mum though regularly makes jibes about my mil as they are quite well off and dont have a mortgage or anything and live in a huge house - what she doesnt get is that they both worked for years and lived in a really expensive place so that when they sold their house and moved to a much cheapr area they didnt need a mortgage because they had a massive profit. My mil is well of but she doesnt spend a lot of money at all.