family

[mum2be2]

Hi All.
sorry for the long post , spelling mistakes etc but once i started i couldnt stop.
First post but i am hoping that someone out there will be able to give me some advice.

I come from a family of four sisters of which i am the youngest by 15 years. I dont have a close relation ship with any of my sisters at all partly because of the fact that they all treat me like a child even though i am now nearly thirty. Which means that none of them have any problem with telling me what to do in my life even though i am married with a son and another one on the way. Anyway i am due in 4 months and am actually dreading the baby being born because i know what my family are like.

When I got married everything to do with my wedding was wrong ? the church was wrong as i chise to get married in my husband?s church that he and his family attended regularily as opposed to the one my mum attends ? that i havent set food in since i was 12 years old. Of course that meant that the entire service was wrong from the hyms we chose to the readings ? and everything else like my wedding dress ? mink coloured as opposed to white - apparently advertising teh fact taht i wasnt a virgin ? even though a white dress made me look as though i was at deaths door as i am so pale. Then the house that we moved into after we got married ? it is bigger than anyone elses in my family but we could afford it ? apparently far too big for the two of us and a waste of money ? and wnet my sisters came round to see it not one could say anything nice about it.

Sundays are a big thing in my family ? well everybody forever irregardless of what else is going on in their lives goes down to my mums on a Sunday to spent the afternoon in a room where ther tv is on full blast and no one talks to each other as they have nothing to talk about cause they see each other three or four times as week and the kids are all shouting and moaning because quite frankly they are bored but are forced by my sisters to sit there. I decided when i got married and my husbands family live a bit further away that we would go every other week or even every two weeks so that we could visit his family and also have days out ourselves ? the hell i got for that ? every Sunday i wasnt there i got endless texts from my sisters asking where i was and what i was doing. I should mention that we never went to my mums for lunch so it wasnt as if we were putting her out or anything like that and that my dad is in a nursing home and until recently came out every Sunday ? but on the weeks that i didnt go to my mums on a Sunday i always made sure that i called in an saw him on the Saturday or some night during the week.

Then when my first son was born ? my entire pregnancy was public and everything i did was wrong from the type of buggy i chose ? far too expensive ? it was a quinny buzz we got half price in the sale, the hospital i chose ? it wasnt the one my sisters went to with their kids but it was the most convient for me and my husband, the maternity clothes i wore ? far too expensive for such a short period of time ? dorothy perkins . Then i was told to throw out all my pre pregnancy jeans as i would never fit into them again having put on three stone during my pregnancy ? my mum even with twins never showed until she was six months.... but when i did fit into my size 8?s three months after my son was born i was obviously starving myself ? nothing to do with the fact that i was breastfeeding a 9 ½ lb baby who was 14lb at 6 weeks....

Then the real trouble started. When the baby came everyone expected that i would start going to my mums every Sunday ? even though the house is really noisy ? she has cats & dogs running about all over the place the dog which is really old and cross ? snaps at everyone - and the cats are let the run of the house ( nothing agains cats & dogs ? i have three cats (outside) and a dog myself who has been introduced to my soon from day one and three years later are best friends) and she refused to shut the dog up or put outside when i was there with the baby ? meanwhile whilst breastfeeding he was jumping up sniffing etc ?not v easy for me. So i stopped going down because it was stressing me out ? and as my husband works 15 hour days and the weekend is the only time he has with his child i felt that it was more important to spend the time bonding with my husband and son. Again though i made sure that once or twice a week i visted my dad in the nursing home when my mum was there. Not right as my nieces and nephews and sisters didnt feel as though they were getting to know the baby .... even though they sat and played their playstations the whole time. My mum and sisters came to visit me once a week or so for the first 6 weeks after the birth but once i was able to drive ( i has a c section and then had to have a further operation when the baby was three weeks old) i was expected to do all the visiting and was phoned up regularly could i take my mums here and there etc (no one else in my family drives ). On and on this went until i went back to work three days a week ? my days of i chose to spend going to mother and toddlers, swimming pool etc meeting up with my mummy friends (as much for me but also so that my son who is looked after by my mil could have company his own ages) doing my cleaning and shopping etc so that my weekends where free to spend with my husband ? who at this stage left in the morning before the baby was up and v rarely got home before bedtime. One of my sisters in particular started giving off about the fact that i didnt meet up with them for lunch during the week ? something i have never done ? and why were my friends more important ? and why didnt i take my mum out places those days and why didnt i take my dad out ( ignoring the fact that he is in a wheelchair with v poor mobilty and i drove a Citeron C1 that i couldnt fit the buggy into never mind anything else..... ) and i was told that i let my son rule my live.......i shouldnt work around his feeds naps etc ? he should be made to wait /sleep in car seat etc etc .

My mum is constantly taking funny turns ( always the middle of the night, loses the power of speech cant move etc etc ? but when gets to hospital the doctors can never find anything wrong with her ? she has had scans and blood tests galore and is on tons of medication just in case - and low and behold if she is admittedshe recovers as soon as she is on a ward). It is at the stage where no one believes her ? not even her own doctor and as this always happens when someone else in the family is ill we can only determine this is attention seeking. Eveytime this happens i am called to take her to the hospital, collect my sister from the hospital , take clothes down etc ? which i dont mind and am happy to do ? if my husband is at home. At least half a dozen times in my sons first year this happened ? always after my sons bed time and i was told to stick him in the car seat etc and bring him with me etc and even one night my sister was looking after him whilst we went out ( the first time since he was born) my mum came up in a taxi supposedly ill and demanded that my sister take her to the hospital ? with the baby in tow.
Things eased of for a while until i got pregnant again ? after a hard battle with postnatal depression ? which my mum cheerfully told everyone about as that was now everyone in the family ? and fertility problems. I dared complain about morning sickenss ? i couldnt even keep water down ? i was told to shut up sure its what i wanted..... then i got got offered an elective section ? i should be made to try like everyone else because my sisters didnt have it that easy ... have chosen to continue to go for long walks, cycle and other forms of mild exercise ? i am doing the baby harm ? even though i have come of my antidepressants and have been advised that exercise releases endorphines to combat depression ? and as i am not stuffing my face with cakes etc i am obviously starving myself so as i dont put on weight ? even though at 5 months i am much bigger than the last time!.
In the meantime my mum has stopped bring my dad out of the nursing home as he is too much hassle. I have made the effort either every other Sunday or one of my days of to call in and see him ? but my sons hates going in ? he loves his grandad and will sit happily anywhere else outside of the nursing home on his knee and do puzzles etc and stories but in there he doesnt get any peace with the other residents and after fifteen minutes wants to go and gets hysterical if we dont . my mum said to my son at the weekend ? your grandad wants to know why you havent been down to see him this week and i told her how much he dislikes it . I was told to make him stay as his grandad was getting upset. I left and my other sister ( who lives miles away and only visits at the most once a month) gave off to me saying my mum ( not my dad ) was really upset that i hadnt bothered going down last week....

I know when the new baby comes it will just get worse ? especially when my son will be starting school in september and i wont have the same free time. My husband thinks that i should just stop making an effort to see anyone as it is getting me down so much but i dont know what to do. Whether i am the one being unreasonable ? or my family?

Mum2be2: I wrote copiously on a thread last night where our OP was being controlled by her DP.

Some of the comments on the thread were along the lines of things tend to get worse when the victim starts to show some sign of independence.

You say this started in earnest when you met your DH. You have a whole STACK of controlling, manipulative and corrosive abusers. You are being run ragged, criticized and demeaned.

Ok so you can counter much of this by refusing to give them ammunition to do it with. But you absolutely DON'T have to put up with any of this. If this were your best friend complaining about this behaviour from her H, you'd be telling her to get rid of him, I'm sure.

'Sorry, but none of your business'
'I'd rather not discuss it' Over and over
'Can we talk about something else?'
'That doesn't work for us'

Keep it simple. It'll be easier to remember and easier to say, and stick to.

Reclaim your life. They are running it to suit their agenda and having the cheek to have a pop at you on top of it all.

Listen to your DH. He is right. He will support you.

Go to your inlaws for Christmas. You fancy a change, it's their turn.

If you must, change your telephone numbers.

Fight to get your life back.

You say you don't want to fall out with them, but what they are doing is exhausting to read let alone live.

If you don't step up and defend your family now, you will have no chance when you have the little baby in tow.

Set the boundaries, and stick to them. If you struggle to communicate and stand up for yourself and DH could do so for you, pass the phone to him.

Mum2 is busy, can't come to the phone, no, she can't make that. sorry.

Or if you have said no and they won't take no for an answer, leave the answerphone to get it and don't call back. Unplug if you need to and keep it up until they get the hint. All you have to say then is 'I was asked, I said I couldn't.'

No-one is going to pretend what you face is easy, it's not. But the life you have described is just dreadful and will only ever get WORSE.

The early retirement thread is here

Ultimately, if you don't assert yourself, it'll get so bad you will have to go non-contact for your own sanity!

Yep,my lot all thought I'd married above myself too. MIL proved a diamond, espec during Dad's illness, and one of my sisters recently referred to her on FB as 'my honorary MIL'.
I know you don't want to do the 'don't darken my doorstep ever again' bit. And I totally understand why. But you have to seriously renegotiate things and you can usefully use the new arrival to do so. When the situation with your dad began, you took the brunt then, they were busy with their little ones. But their little ones have grown up. Now it's your turn, you're not abandoning them, just HAVING to take a backseat for a few years. Maybe you could all put in a fiver a week so that the non-drivers can get a bloddy cab to the nursing home!
So have a good shout (but it is imperative you do this with ALL of them present) and walk out. Important to walk out to force them to reflect and not say mean things that they can never take back. Surely to god, one of them might actually say 'well, I can kind of see her point...'. Important to do it with them ALL there so nobody can dispute what really happened when Mum2Be2 went doolally.

springlamb - you all sound amazing. It's at horrible times like that families often go their seperate ways.

i have already lost ot once - when my son was about a year old and i had just went back to work my sister had a go at me outside a petrol station - it was the easter hols and she was giving off that her children hadnt seen my son that week as i was too busy "swannig around with my friends and having days out everywhere " - i was on the way to a friend of my sons first birthday party and had stopped to get a few bits and pieces to help the mum out. She went on and on and i cant even remeber it happening but i slapped her - i have never hit anyone in my life but i just saw red - she was for phoning the police and getting social services out to me to get my son taken away. i really regret doing that because i am not like that at all and my son saw it but i saw red i really did - I have barely spoken to her since but during the summer holidays i have taken her kids out to the park etc when my other sister has been looking after them so that they can spend time with their cousin. Shortly afterwards i went and got antidepressants because i knew well that i should have been able to walk away and not react like that

mum2be2 - you probably have hundreds of dreadful stories about your family. You need to go through the replies on this thread with your husband and pick out what the two of you are able to do. Or alternatively keep on bringing up old stuff, live in the past and let it continue.

Why don't you let today be the first day of your new life as an independent adult with a family of your own who need to be protected from the abusive people in the family you were born into? Your husband and children don't deserve all this crap either.

i know - it is at the stage where my husband doesnt go near any of them and begs me not to. the thing is if i do just try and walk away from them i will still hear all about it - i ignored all the texts from one sister for weeks and she started to phone my husband at work and when i went to the hairdresser she was able to tell me that she had been telling them all that i was far to busy to see any of them. We are actually considering moving away - not miles away because it is my home town and i have lots of friends here but just far away enough that i can be away from them. House went up on the market today and we have made an offer on a fab house in the countryside with tons of room for my son outside so fingers crossed that all works out. already i have had a million & one comments about why we want to moved and is my house not good enough and how mad is is to be spending money when other people r struggling. the only reason we can afford to move out to the coutry is our house has held value and the one we are interested in has dropped considerably. i cant win!

Mum2be2 - your family sound awful. I know you dont' want to cut them off, but it sounds as though you really have to limit them.

Practice responses to their remarks:

If they want you to drive somewhere - 'I can't do that because DC needs his sleep/feed'.
Pressure about driving because 'they don't drive' - 'it's never to late to learn to drive you know'.
Remarks about wasting money -'jealousy is very unattractive, you know'.

If you think of something to say after the event, practice it, because it sounds like you will get another opportunity!!!!

It's hard, but you need to be firm. I know all about older sisters looking down on you. In the end I had to move away. It did help me to keep my sanity, but a difficult step to take.

But their children are much older than yours! They are living in cloud cuckoo land if they think their older children will wilt away if they don't mix with the toddler and the newborn once a week. My 9 yr old has cousins of 35, they like her well enough but she has more in common with their children.
If your DH really thinks you shouldn't see them anymore, then the both of you need to sit down and do a walk through of the next few years of your lives (birthdays, xmases, family occasions, parent crises). If you can deal with that, then break contact. You are still venting about them so you are not seeing a way ahead with them. And you will end up having a proper breakdown if you and they cannot renegotiate some boundaries.
Good luck with the house BTW.

Earwicga - it can be done if everyone wants to and accepts the controlling has to stop. We still have to rein Miss Telltale Tit in on occasion though. Blimey, she could stir up trouble for England that one!

i dont want to break contact because I havent seen any of my Aunts/Uncles or cousins in years even the ones that are my age and i found it strange when i was younger when friends mentioned about theirs and i dont want my children to miss out on an extended family. my husbands family are all close so he doesnt really understand .

'i dont want my children to miss out on an extended family.'

Even when they are abusive and making you ill? You obviously don't want anything to change or you wouldn't be spending time making excuses. It's a shame as depression can fundamentally change a marriage as well as relationships with your children.

I think your husband does understand, as he knows what a non-abusive family is like. They can be the extended family for your children.

Good luck with the new house and new baby.

Your sister phoned your DH at WORK?

Is she INSANE? OK, forget I asked that!
I hope your DH told her right off!

He BEGS YOU not to see them?

Honey you need to don your cast iron hard hat and take them on, OR cut them all off and tell them to take a break for a while.

I worry that one day DH will lose patience with them or decide he doesn't want your DC being in the company of such dreadful people. Then these people could actually cause trouble for you in your otherwise happy marriage.

You need to seriously re-evaluate your life and work out what you need to keep and what causes you stress.

You need to break all contact points with them ideally, you need to stop going to the same hairdresser, you utterly FORBID them to call DH at work. Tell DH to instruct his employer NOT to put any calls though and to tell the caller no personal calls are allowed.

You both need to change numbers and NOT give them the number of your new home.

I'm not saying No Contact per say, I'm saying to limit the methods of communication open to them. You are way over involved in each others lives. They have their sad little toxic tendrils in every aspect of your waking day.

I hope that you can move to the new house. TBH, you need to think about emigrating to get away from these dreadful people. I'm sorry, I know they are your family, but they are horrific.

really thanks for all your messages - even as i read my own comments i keep remembering yet another thing that has happened over the past few years - i actually think i have been blocking somethings out. i am incredibly lucky to have the husband that i have as when he realised what my family where like he could easily have walked away. it makes me more determined to be a good mother to my children and aviod them having the issues that i now have. THanks all again.

Let him walk away!

With you and the DC of course!

Please distance yourselves from these people.

Dunno if this is appropriate, but would be happy to be corrected by one that knows better than I, but have you thought of posting on the Stately Homes thread?

i couldnt find a stately homes thread? sorry

This is a new thread, but the OP has links to previous pages.

[[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1074302-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-Dysfunctional-parents here]

Have a look.

argh here

Thanks - i will make a point of reading through and posting. :)

Olderand wiser that was me !! Reading this with great empathy and interest OP - if you would like to look at my thread (I too am hopeless at links etc) - it was called Dont work so family think Im Gofor - or similiar - if you search under family gofor or something like that am sure it will come up. I did get some really excellent advice in replies which I have put into practice and things have improved greatly.

FWIW I think you have become the family scapegoat and because 'its only our little mum2be2 - we can boss her around we've always done it cos she's the youngest ' - i think they have just got in the habit of talking down to you (as the youngest by far) and the mould needs to be broken.

I linked to it Suda, you say things are better, how so?

What worked best for you, got any tips for Mum2be2

Suda's retirement thread

Thanks Littlemiss - ooh I feel all important now - a link to my own retirement thread.

Most of the advice on there contributed to improving things - one that stands out for me is someone said 'No is a complete sentence' - thats my mantra now !
In other words dont qualify refusals too much because these demanding family types will see it as weakness - they see a chink in your armour - she's trying to wriggle out of it making excuses etc - so she must feel guilty - so we'll keep pressing her buttons - she'll cave in eventually.

Following on from that one poster on mine said - if you say no and they wont accept it - or you make one excuse ( youre allowed to make one - thats not overqualifying it )then say ,cos I dont want to !!

At a course I attended, we were told that people can be radiators/drains in our lives. Your crew sound like drains; negative, resentful and demanding.The trick is to detach -if possible-and seek radiators; positive, supportive people like your DH.Good luck.

OP - do you see what you did re the house move here? You automatically justified why you aren't really spending more money, it's not you getting 'above' yourself, it's more of a house swap etc... How about, you and your DH work hard and are able to make a move to a better house for you, and just because your Sister can't afford that house, it's no reason for you not to buy it when you want it and can afford it.

Your PILs made good financial decisions, but rather than admitting someone else might have done better than your family (who obviously have a chip the size of the rock of Gibraltar on their collective sholders regarding other people's better financial positions) you down play it as they just moved from an expensive area to a cheap one. What's wrong with saying, "Yes, they made good financial decisions/earned a lot more over their career/are just enjoying the lifestyle they earned" ?

I know I find it hard as my parents are similarly odd about other people's spending habits, I've felt a lot better since I've started say in reply to "how much did that cost?" - "Do'nt worry, we can afford it."

sorry had to go abruptly then - was going to say - that just saying ' I dont want to ' has been very effective with DD who would always try and overcome or beliitle my excuses for not wanting to drop everything at 2 mins notice - but when I simply say ' I dont want to ' - very pleasantly and matter of factly btw - then it completely slays her - gives her nowhere to go. She did get a bit stroppy when I first did it and even slammed phone down practically - but as per advice on my thread I pretended not to notice and just spoke to her very normally next time she rang. As was also pointed out to me on thread - they were all getting arsey anyway if I ever dared to say no occasionally - so it wasnt anything new - and this way actually got results eventually. They dont ask me nearly as much now to do stuff,run round etc - and when they do they are now more conditioned to me saying no and accept with more grace.

i know - i have just got so used to having to justify everything because no matter what i do there is a complaint about it. i buy my son leather shoes at £30 - my mum " i wouldnt spend that on a pait of shoes for myself - i have a deformed toe caused by wearing too small shoes when i was younger and as a result struggle with shoes now. my son made a birthday card for his Granny - no thaniks that is lovely no "how can you be bothered doing that" etc etc etc. All i have heard since the announcement about cuts is how my sisters who dont work will struggle (both of who choose not to work - no small kids illness or any other reason)- when i point out that i will lose my CB and dont get any tax credits etc & therefore will be hit as well i get told i am loaded and could give away money!