AIBU or is my mum?

[cheekster]

I am pg with DS2 and although we have told everyone we are expecting another DS we have told everyone that we wont be telling them what DS2 will be called until he is born.

Well, the other week I ordered the letters for DS's name to display in his nursery and they arrived at my mums address by mistake due to me having things delivered to my mums address in previous years - the catalogues fault - not mine.

Well my mum opened the package. She said that she initially thought that it was something she had ordered (even though it was clearly in my name - a different surname), but she then continued to open the individual boxes to find out the letters and ultimately find out the name of DS2.

I could maybe see it was a mistake opening the package, but once she opened it, it was obvious from what is written on the outside of the boxes "Large Wall Letter" what was inside, but yet she cut the film and opened them - and smugly told me what DS is going to be called.

I am so so cross, I told her how I felt and that I think she should repect our wishes, but she can see no wrong and her and my sister think IABU for being so cross and upset. They just keep saying "Its only a name!"

So am I being hormonal and unreasonable or is mum?

Chynah - I suppose I find it difficult to get my head around because we didn't want to know the sex.

Send a parcel to your mums house, clearly addressed to yourself. put in some old packing materials to beef it out abut in the middle of the bundle have a letter in an envelope.

Start along the lines of:

This parcel was not addressed to you was it? I'm feeling a bit hurt right now as I thought you were someone I could always turn to for complete trust. However much I love you, your decision to open my mail really made me question how you disregarded my feelings in order to satisfy your own curiosity.
Yes, I'm really angry, but I don't want this to linger on and taint the excitement of our happy event.
You will share many sole Granny-Grandchild moments, that I hope DC will treasure, and I wouldn't dream of trying to thwart them.
So please understand that announcing the name was to be our unique pleasure. Put yourself in our shoes, understand our disappointment, and where our anger comes from. lets learn from this and move on .................

It's fairly non confrontational, but hopefully she will read and think.

Yes Ma's can be a complete pita. Mine is particularly overbearing, but this may do the trick, explaning why you feel upset. And I think you have every right to feel pissed off btw. But DP's won't be around forever etc etc

Don't change the name if it's one you really thought about and loved, It would be cutting off your nose to spite your face; and everytime you hear of a child with the original name you run the risk of being reminded of this incident, and resentment would be bound to build. In time you will forget this incident, and it won't cross your mind when someone says'What a great name' but change the name and you'll always be reminded .
Good Luck x

YANBU, and i would seriously think about changing the name.

YADNBU. I cannot imagine my mother opening my post, even if I had it sent to her house, she would never be so rude.
The only time i have ever opened DHs post was when he was in romania and a letter marked urgent arrived - but I still phoned to ask him first.

It is illegal to open post not addressed to you.

Can you change the name?

Speaking as someone who in the past has not only accidently opened DH's new credit card, but signed it with my own name, I can understand how easy it is to accidently open someone else's post.

Is this worth falling out with your mum about?

I know this is extreme, but I´d have to not see her for a couple of months I think, just to show her how strongly I felt about it.

It is "just a name", but the point is that after opening the parcel (by mistake?), she then deliberately opened all of the letters until she knew the name.

That´s horrible, and somehow childish and petty and oh, I can´t think what else!

I would also feel like changing the name.

I can see how someone could accidently start to open someone else's mail and I wouldn't really be upset about that. However, realising its not yours and continuing to open that mail is low. Then going on to smugly announce what you have discovered by opening that mail is very low. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I would probably change the name tbh.

YABU

Seriously, this is your mother. I hope you are not expecting any hope with childcare from her if you are so possessive about your child's name.

All the posters are assuming that your mother opened the mail on purpose. It seems a harsh assumption. It may well have been a genuine accident.

In any event, how about a bit of "live and let live". She was a bit nosy but it is not the end of the world. I find it childish to be so secretive about a name. I mean, really, who gives a shit?

On the other hand, why not cut your mother off, not let her see your new child and make your nursery a homage to the amazingly wonderful name you have chosen?

Why does the fact that it was her mum excuse such disrespect?

Your mother completely disregarded your feelings and then gloated.

Not nice behaviour.

Don't change the name you love, but be prepared to be flexible when ds is born - he might not look like his name.

Gloated, yes, what an excellent word!

And what a wierd thing for a mother to do imo-revel in oneupmanship about her not yet born grandson´s name!

I be wondering if she deserved to be a granny!

Diddl,

"Excuse" is a weird word.

It doesn't make her innocent but you have to decide whether her "crime" was a misdemeanor or a shooting offence. I feel it is definitely the former.

Have you always behaved perfectly towards her? In most families there has to be some give and take unless relations are to break down irretrievably

Diddl,

Sorry, you are not the OP. But points stand towards her.

Then I misunderstood your post.
It seemed to me that the fact that her mum had done it made it OK/acceptable?

And re openeing on purpose or not.

Unless I have misunderstood-again-there was a box which she opened, could have been on purpose.

She then unwrapped each letter-how could that be accidental?

Diddl,

It could be accidental. Or, maybe, she initially opened the mail accidentally and then curiosity overwhelmed her. I just think parents do that kind of thing. The ideas of personal space, respecting boudaries etc are relatively new. Mothers like interfering, it goes with the territory!

If I lost it with my mother or MIL every time they asked a personal question or told my wife and me what to do with our son, we wouldn't be seeing either of them.

I wouldn't be happy at all, but neither my mother nor MIL would ever do something like this. If they did I would be very cross with them indeed.
YANBU.

Well of course it does depend on the relationship & if this is a one off.

What would really get to me is that she seems to think that there is nothing wrong with what she has done.

Also, the thought that even as an adult what she wants to do takes priority over me.

Well, I just hope that I´m not the sort of parent who does that sort of thing when my children are adults!

Lets hope its some amazing, fabulous, wonderful name thats worth all this fuss...

I know people who made a huge thing about keeping everything secret, Russian spies are more indescrete than they were...huge announcement that the name of their son was.....

Fanfare fanfare fanfare.......

John William....

After his 2 grand-dads....

Hardly worht the fuss tbh.....

I think you're weird not wanting to tell people what he's going to be called. What difference does it make?

She shouldn't have opened the parcel, granted. But I think you are being very precious about it all.

Oh fgs
you have been completely precious about your childs name, why not just say "we haven't decided yet" not, yes we've decided but we are not going to tell you . Bloody childish. And mother has found out the "secret" name, and has done the equivalent of na na na na, I know the name.
Life's too short, get on with it.

nebby granny took over.she started opening and couldnt stop,isnt end of flippin world

and without stating obvious she'd have discovered his name on birth

and you maybe need to stop all the skullduggery about a name. if you want to play spoooks at least get the address right

so dont sweat the small stuff,relax and best wishes for baby and you

YANBU.

My nan opens any post that goes to her house that is mine even though our names are completely different. SHe just doesn't bloody look properly but manages not to open her DH's so I can't quite work that one out.

Your mum must have clearly realised straight away it wasn't for her. She obviously was being nosy and she has clearly no respect for your wishes at all regarding the name.

We made the mistake of telling my MIL the name we have chosen for our future DD. Then she kept asking about the middle name (which we are going to let DS pick and we think we know what it will be) but I told her we haven't decided yet as she has gone and told the whole family what our DD will be called. I was pissed off and said to her "could you not tell people please" and she just said "why?" I told her we could change our minds, even though I know we won't but I actually would like to be the one to tell people the name of our child, not have her spreading it around. This was after she was told not to tell SIL I was pregnant and just because DH told his aunt, MIL phoned her DD straight away and told her. DH wanted to tell her himself. Then MIL has been asking why I don't want her touching my fucking belly. Because its invasive and rude perhaps!

With my wife due to give birth in the next 2-4 weeks, I still have the old fashioned attitude of hoping for a decent labour and a healthy baby. Who cares about the name, really?

And how about a nice accoutrement for the nursery, such as a mobile, something the baby might actually appreciate. Baby's name written in nursery? How horribly twee! How about you write your and your husband's name on the wall of your bedroom? I can't really see the difference. It is a bedroom, not a shrine to the new god of the household.

lo at all the hyperbole about granny,
disrespect
citing relevent laws broken
smug
even a humphy face

oh perhaps get a perspsective so of you.she will have to changer her tune when she needs help babysiting,nursery drop off,school run etc