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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect step SIL to buy DD a decent present?

80 replies

ladyandthechocolate · 01/11/2010 14:39

She is obsessed with buying everything in the sales to the point when she will buy things just because they're going cheap.
DD (2.2) was given a very smart wool monsoon coat for her birthday that's dry clean only. She will NEVER wear it and of course I can't return it.
I just think she's wasting her money, i'd rather she asked me or bought her some books which DD always appreciates.
I always try to buy carefully for her DD who is 7 and give gift receipts.
It's not about how much she spends, I don't really care.

DD ends up with a load of stuff she has no use for.

Should I say something? Am I an ungrateful cow?

OP posts:

Niecie · 01/11/2010 14:56

She probably thought she was getting something nice that you wouldn't get yourself. Does it matter if it were bought in the sales? Presumably she couldn't afford to buy it when it wasn't in the sales so the chance to buy something better than she could normally afford would be appealing.

Buying for a 2 yr old is difficult - until they develop an interest in something buying presents is very hit and miss. At 2 it isn't always obvious what those interest are going to be.

I also don't understand why your DD can't wear the coat even if it is dry clean. Wear it until it is dirty although by the sounds of it they wash OK anyway. No reason to never wear it - that sounds like you are just making a point for the sake of it. On those grounds YABU.

Don't say anything unless it is to ask what her DD would like for Christmas as you don't want to get it wrong - hopefully you will get asked yourself. Our family provide suggestions for one another and it works well. It is still a surprise for the DC but they get something they might want.

JeMeSouviens · 01/11/2010 14:59

Of course she can wear it to the park. If you don't have anywhere for her to wear good clothes, just make use of it in your day to day life. Sponge off any spots, and if very filthy, was in the machine. Doesn't matter if it gets ruined etc... you'll have had the use of it

BonfieryFlisspaps · 01/11/2010 14:59

Why can't she wear it to the park?

Better it get worn and get muddy than it hanging on a hook somewhere all unworn and 'kept for best' until finally an event you deem it suitable for occurs, only to find that it doesn't fit her any more.

mumeeee · 01/11/2010 15:00

YABU and a bit ungrateful. She probably actually thinks she can get b etter things for her money if she buys things in the sales.
I would let your DD wear the monsoon coat. I've had things that say dry clean only and have very carefuly washed them ( hand wash the first time and then machined washed)and they have always come out fine.

ShirleyKnot · 01/11/2010 15:02

YAAUC? Does that stand for what I think it stands for?!

fedupofnamechanging · 01/11/2010 15:02

My DD is 3 and wears her wool coat all the time. Think you'll be able to wash it carefully.

Hedgeblunder · 01/11/2010 15:03

I've washed my wool coat in cold water too, works fine on cold wash!

pagwatch · 01/11/2010 15:04

yes, perfectly possible to have an unhealthy interest in books. Any obsession is a bad thing tbh. So books probably a bad present idea until she moves on a bit.

There is nothing wrong with a wool coat. And it probably will wash. and even if it doesn't why can't she wear it until it is too grubby to wear anymore.

You are being pretty churlish. Are you feeling cross with her?

Honestly. Just try and enjoy being given stuff you obviously would never buy. DD wore ridiculous stuff and has spent the day in patent red leather boots which cost a bloody fortune and she is nearly too big for already

Just say thanks and let her surprise you with lairy stuff.

grapeandlemon · 01/11/2010 15:05

That is an absolutely gift to give a little girl. Obviously wasted on you completely.

PixieOnaLeaf · 01/11/2010 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 01/11/2010 15:07

Sorry, I think you are being ungrateful.

She probably saw the coat and thought it would look beautiful on your DD.

It was a gift - why can't your DD wear it? So what if it smart and wool - let her go out in it. If it gets dirty try a very cool delicates or wool wash - it often workss.

It cost you nothing, so doesn't have to be kept for best, a concept I don't understand with 2yo anyway.

Either let DD enjoy her lovely smart coat or ebay it!

DuelingFanjo · 01/11/2010 15:08

Yab totally unreasonable.

Hulababy · 01/11/2010 15:08

Picture of coat so we can all decide appropriateness better?

saffy85 · 01/11/2010 15:08

My DD has had 2 wool coats that are "dry clean only". Both washed beautifully at 30.

Original poster

ladyandthechocolate · 01/11/2010 15:10

Good suggestions.
I think DD not wearing the coat is more to do with me thinking that other people are wondering why DD is swinging off the monkey bars in an impractical coat!
I always ask what her DD would like for presents.

OP posts:

grapeandlemon · 01/11/2010 15:15

*lovely

Hulababy · 01/11/2010 15:17

But you can't chose what someone else buys you. Not unless you are specifically asked. The whole point of buying a gift is that the giver gets to make a choice and buy something they think the reciever (in this case your child rather than you) might like.

Original poster

ladyandthechocolate · 01/11/2010 15:19

i hope you thanked her for it of course I bloody did, i'm not that rude
the coat was a very bad example to give you all. Hark at the ungrateful mother who snubs a monsoon coat!
What irks me is that she doesn't really think about the present choice at all. We've had summer clothes in winter and vice versa.

OP posts:

OkayGrrl · 01/11/2010 15:19

You remind me a little of my SIL, bought her and my brother a present last Christmas and when I gave it to her she looked liked I had given her a pile of poo and turned around and said 'why did you get us this?', it was a board game nothing special but Jesus she should learn how to accept gifts!

pagwatch · 01/11/2010 15:20

nah - you are being too rigid.
If a child has a coat they love why can't they swing from monkey bars in it? And why does it matter what others think?

And people have different ideas about all this stuff. I fucking hate it when people ask me what my DCs want - I already have to work out what I am getting them, what to get them from their siblings and from my mum ( who will need me to buy the gift too) . A gift to me is something where I don't have to think of something else....

Katisha · 01/11/2010 15:22

I do struggle with the presnt-as-duty culture in DHs family, and also SIL's. I wish SMIL and SIL would choose presents for my DSs themselves, rather than having to check with me every time, or better still in their view, getting me to buy them and then invoice them.

And I like to choose presents for my nieces rather than having SIL tell me what to buy.

Presents, I believe, are about giving as well as receiving, and they are not supposed to be business transactions.

WreckOfTheHesperus · 01/11/2010 15:23

agree with Pagwatch - a gift is soooo much better if you have had to do no thinking about it at all before receiving it.

You might be driving her mad whilst trying to be thoughtful...

PandaEisIsLookingForwardToXmas · 01/11/2010 15:28

if you dont want your step-SIL to buy the gifts she wants to give then tell her and accept that she may not choose to buy for your DD at all after this.

when i buy a gift for anyone i think of what they may like or may look beautiful/lovely whatever in etc and if i bought something i loved and 100% believed the reciever would love/look lovely in then i would be very very offended if the person then complained about said gift! it is ungrateful and as others have suggested, dry cleaning can be gotten around like by wasing on delicate and drip drying for example...

maybe be more gracious as some peoples gifts are really poor in comparison. (my nan when i was 14 gave me a packet of age 7-8 knickers for christmas...i smiled and said thankyou as i was taught by my mum)

clam · 01/11/2010 15:29

pagwatch, that really hacks me off too. Not only do I have to think of all the gifts I am intending to give, but for all those everyone else in the family is intending to give too. Including a detailed list for myself. Which sounds ungrateful, but WHY CAN'T PEOPLE THINK FOR THEMSELVES???!!!!

pagwatch · 01/11/2010 15:31

Oh thank god
I thought it was just me.

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