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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP has no right to have the hump?

53 replies

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 10:02

Went out yesterday with a friend, my DS 12 and her DD age 12. Went out to lunch and then the plan was to go bowling. Bowling alley was fully booked up for 2 hours, so went to a play centre type place instead and spent 2 hours there, I was surprised that both kids wanted to go.

Had a nice catch up with friend who I used to see nearly every day before I met partner, we have been on holiday and had lots and lots of days out in the past. We were both single parents (she still is).

Got home last night and DP (not DS Dad) had the hump and said it was because he expected me home 2 hours earlier. I had text him to tell him that bowling was off and that we were now going to play centre but hadn't spent all afternoon texting him as I think it's rude to my friend. When he goes out with his friends, he never texts me.

When I pointed out how long everything took and that I had actually dragged the kids away and refused a cup of tea at my friends so that I could get home to him, he then changed his mind and said the reason he had the hump was because he wasn't invited. Bearing in mind he normally falls asleep in the other room when I have this friend round for the evening, I didn't think he would be that bothered about coming, but I did run it past him before I confirmed it with friend and he certainly didn't make any noises that he wanted to come with us then.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/11/2010 10:04

oooh out and about with a single mum,he's not feeling threatened by any chance is he???

(as a single mum myself,i have seen this bbehaviour MANY times!!!!)

Katisha · 01/11/2010 10:05

Does he do this often? Why would you refuse a cup of tea at your friends - how much of a misery would he make your life?

On the other hand, you could have sent a text to say back later than expected.

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 10:07

he is jealous. how long have you been with him? has he shown signs of this before? don't be surprised if he does thia again. this isn't about one incident, this is his personality. beware.

ForMashGetSmash · 01/11/2010 10:14

yes...what Katisha said! Why wold you feel the need to hurry back if you were having a nice time? That's not ok at all!

Speaking from personal experience my own DH is always happy if I have a good visit with mates...wether I am wth dcs or not!

He could have teted or called t see where you were if he wanted something couldnt he?

Is he usually controlling?

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 10:17

I text him when I left my friends (10 mins drive away), maybe I should have text him from play centre when we left.

I refused a cup of tea as I felt "guilty" because DP was at home on his own. Now, why is that?

Yes, he has shown signs of this before with this friend, and alarm bells are ringing. He has also got the hump when I forgot to tell him I was staying at my son's judo club to watch one evening (I think I did tell him, but can't really remember) and he doesn't think it's "normal" for me to still be cuddling and scratching my son's back in the evenings on the sofa. Jealousy? Yes, I think you have it in one.

I've been with him for 2.5 years.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 10:19

wy are you feeling guilty taht a grown man is, shock horror, in a house on his own? have you never been home alone? did you survive? were you able to amuse yourself? he should be able to do the same. his days should no be dependant on you being there. if he can't be in teh house alone i suggest he isn't mature enough to be out of his parent's home.

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 10:21

i think you know what's happening here OP. up to you to either tolerate it it or stop it (whether that means telling him it stops now or ending the relationship, only you can decide)

ForMashGetSmash · 01/11/2010 10:22

Controlling. Dont let him do this...don't let it become the norm... suggest you sit down and talk about why he gets the hump about your going out.

I am a bit hmm about the cuddling a 12 year old on the sofa too....but then I only have girls and they are small so I don't know what's normal...it just seems a bit big to be having your back scrached by your Mum...but then I am also a bit of a freak about some things.

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 10:23

We spend a lot of time together and after having a previous relationship where my partner NEVER wanted to be with me , I like doing things together, but I also occassionally like to do things with other people and think this is perfectly normal. He likes to spend time with his friends and family too, mostly with me, sometimes without me.

I actually enjoy time alone or just time with DS (which is precious as he has 4 DC who live with us part time).

OP posts:

MaudOHara · 01/11/2010 10:23

DH would be very relieved to be excused a play centre and have the house / sofa / tv to himself - maybe yours wants to be more hands on?

Is he a worrier? If DH said he was going to be an hour and then was 3 then I would worry that something had happened to him - but then would probably have called to check he was ok but wouldn't have had the hump

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 10:25

i see no problem with cuddling your son, cuddle him as long as he wants cuddles, don't let anyone tell you that is wrong or weird. he is your child. your partner is jealous.

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 10:26

I know what I do is reasonable. I know I need time with other people especially as I don't have parents or siblings. I have tried talking to him and he says he was just having a little moan and I'm blowing it out of all proportion.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 10:30

he isn't discussing it with you? sorry but that is my pet hate. he had a moan, which means he had an issue with something. in my book if you have an issue you get it out there and you sort it out by talking. you are trying to sort it and he is refusing. that means he doesn't want to sort it, he wants to leave it unresolved so that it can happen again. whereas if you discussed it he would have to admit he was being controllling and he would have to adress that. clearly he doesn't want to do that. he wants to continue to behave like this. call him on it. don't let this happen again. he needs to discuss this now and agree a resoloution.

Katisha · 01/11/2010 10:48

Yep - if this is part of a pattern then you do need to start calling him on it.

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 10:49

This is also how he responds to any disagreements, by not discussing it. No matter how much I tell him that it's normal to disagree, but it's talking about it that gets you through.

I will call him on it tonight and will ask him how I can prevent him from feeling the way he did yesterday in the future. Doesn't mean I'm going to cow tow to his whims though.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 10:51

no, OP you have this wrong. you are talking about you preventing him feeling this way again. it isn't your reponsibility to keep him from being controlling. it is his. you didn't do anything to cause the situation. he did it be being controlling. you were being normal. don't let him believe it is up to you to make sure he is happy. it isn't.

Katisha · 01/11/2010 10:53

IT's not a question of how YOU can prevent HIM from feeling like he did. YOu just need to act like a normal adult. He needs to get over himself and his jealousy/need to control your comings and goings.
So it's not just this incident - you need to examine all the times when he makes you feel uncomfortable about something and decide whether or not it's part of a deeper problem.

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 10:57

Sorry, badly worded. I don't see it as my problem. I'm not out all the time and this is the first time in 6 months I have done something with the children and this friend. My previous tack has been to state that I am not being unreasonable and to try and prove to him why I am not, which he then ignores. I simply hit a brick wall.

If I ask him about how he felt and try and show empathy and then ask him what he is going to do about it next time, I might actually get past the brick wall? That was my thinking.

OP posts:

booyhoo · 01/11/2010 11:02

can you have empathy though? can you see how you would feel in his position? because empathising implies you think he was jsutified in feeling how he did, when really tehre is no justification. just be careful how you do this OP. it sounds like you could be playing right into his hands by showing empathy. he will play on this.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 01/11/2010 11:06

Oh, I hate this. You do need to nip this in the bud right now.

You HAVE to have time with your friends, and time with your DS, and he has to understand that.

He IS jealous, he is trying to control. Booyhoo is right, by not discussing this, he is trying to leave the issue hanging, so that he can do it again, and again, and again until you stop going out with your friends.

You knew your friends before you knew him. He needs to understand that and get over himself. He has no right at all to dictate who you see and don't see.

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 11:07

Hmmm, yes, I see your point. Whilst I can understand he might have preferred to have my company than being on his own, other than that, I can't really empathise. I do remember what it was like to be with someone who never bothered telling me when he was coming home or would tell me he would be home at 5pm and turn up at 9pm without even an explanation. But I must remember that this really isn't the same.

Even if I had text him from the play centre, then I would have to text him again from friends to say staying for a cuppa, then text again to say leaving friends. Is that normal? He knew I was at playcentre at 3pm, it doesn't take a mathmetician to work out that I might be leaving in a couple of hours does it?

OP posts:

Katisha · 01/11/2010 11:17

No of course you don't need to text constant updates. I would suggest only one text was necessary to say plans had changed and you would be back later that you said. No need for constant explanation of your movements.

ENormaSnob · 01/11/2010 11:19

I too, think it is controlling and jealousy issues.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 01/11/2010 11:29

Oh FFS, he knew where you were, he knew who you were with. If he was genuinely and reasonably worried about you, he could have called you at any point.

You have not been out with DS and this friend in 6m?

I reiterate everything I said. HE IS trying to dissuade you from doing this again.

I'd strongly recommend that rather than back off going out I'd step it up. Make sure you have time every week where you and DS go out.

This constant checking in is like him giving you permission to go out. That is not on.

I've lived under men like this, I had no life whatsoever. If I went out, had texts or calls from my ONLY friend, he'd get the hump.

So you were out with your friend for the day?You told him that you were going to soft play at 3pm. You got home about 6 after telling him you were on your way.

Where have you behaved unreasonably? What gives him the right to say anything to you, other than "Hi love, did you have a nice time?"

If this is not the only reason your alarm bells are ringing, then you need to take a long hard look at this guy, cos behaviour like this is obsequious and will have you monitored and asking permission to live if not dealt with.

Original poster

sunshinerainbow · 01/11/2010 11:37

I do get the impression that he doesn't like this friend. I have been to hers for coffee, and invited her down for dinner etc since I moved in and we talk on the phone a couple of times a week and I have seen other friends. I did go away with her on holiday (it was a free holiday for single parents) before I moved in with DP.

I don't think he worries that I will be out looking for other men because she is so not interested in men after having 2 very bad experiences and has been single for 8 years, and we nearly always just go out with the kids anyway.

I think he is jealous that we are quite close (although I regularly tell DP that he is my best friend) and there is so much that is so good about our relationship. Generally feel like we're a real team, but this issue is really jumping out at me.

Would now be a good time to mention that one of the reasons his (completely mad and very difficult) now ex wife says she left him was because he was controlling?

OP posts:

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