To think DP has no right to have the hump?

[sunshinerainbow]

Went out yesterday with a friend, my DS 12 and her DD age 12. Went out to lunch and then the plan was to go bowling. Bowling alley was fully booked up for 2 hours, so went to a play centre type place instead and spent 2 hours there, I was surprised that both kids wanted to go.

Had a nice catch up with friend who I used to see nearly every day before I met partner, we have been on holiday and had lots and lots of days out in the past. We were both single parents (she still is).

Got home last night and DP (not DS Dad) had the hump and said it was because he expected me home 2 hours earlier. I had text him to tell him that bowling was off and that we were now going to play centre but hadn't spent all afternoon texting him as I think it's rude to my friend. When he goes out with his friends, he never texts me.

When I pointed out how long everything took and that I had actually dragged the kids away and refused a cup of tea at my friends so that I could get home to him, he then changed his mind and said the reason he had the hump was because he wasn't invited. Bearing in mind he normally falls asleep in the other room when I have this friend round for the evening, I didn't think he would be that bothered about coming, but I did run it past him before I confirmed it with friend and he certainly didn't make any noises that he wanted to come with us then.

Honey, your best friend wouldn't be having the hump with you being happy.

Your DP is your P, nothing more.

Perhaps his wife is not as completely mad as you have been lead to believe...?

How has she shown herself to be mad...?

Let's look at him through her eyes now and see if we can see who your P really is.

Can you tell us more?

He is also trying to say he would have liked to have come along but I KNOW he wouldn't have done.

His ex wife won't communicate with him except via e-mail, takes days to reply, is awkward with contact, always using it to suit her own agenda, lots and lots I could go into.

I have read every bit of correspondence since we have been together between the two of them and I always see that SHE is the controlling one and the one with the upper hand. Whilst he will dig his heels in if she tries to stop contact, I don't think that is him being controlling.

I do, however, wonder why she is so desperate to have control over him - revenge maybe?

Any chance that you could give him a taste of his own medicine next time he goes out so that he could see what it is like to be on the end of this sort of unreasonable behaviour? Or do you think that it would just escalate it for next time...?

Yes - could be that she has realised she was a doormat for years and is now trying to regain control.

Keep an eye on things. Now you are aware or the potential controlling tendency, don't roll over for the sake of keeping the peace.

No, don't look at her stance as controlling.

This is, IMHO, her drawing a line and refusing to be controlled by him any more.

She cracks down on him, so as he doesn't get the chance to call the shots with her again. I know this because with my P, I am now the same, the instant he tries any form of control I tell him to park it.

Your P on the other hand is playing that, 'Wimmin!, dunno what her problem is' card. Be aware of that.

He doesn't take responsibility for his actions/reactions or behaviour, you've shown us that. It's so easy for him to look the wronged party. And of course, you want to see him in the best light, and want to believe him.

We are telling you his behaviour is controlling, his previous wife accused him of the same... chances are, he IS controlling.

He didn't want to come with you, you know that, this is him backtracking to justify himself.

Is it only this friend he has a problem with? How often do you go out with other friends/without your DP?

Maybe I'll meet up with friends once a fortnight, usually with him though. We also socialise with his friends too.

This particular friend is by far the closest.

Doing things without him? I go to the gym once or twice a week and might see a friend for a coffee once every 3 or 4 weeks - it's not much is it? I asked to have 1 day in the holidays just with DS and not all the children so I can do something with him too and had to argue with him for that. I also work 4 or 5 days a week.

I was with someone before who would control by not communicating, would not turn up at an arranged place or for his tea or to bed etc. etc. He would tell me that his life was more important than mine. Of course, when I stopped just "being available" to him all the time, he started to want to know exactly where I was and for how long. Once I spread my wings, the relationship didn't last much longer than that.

This is very different to that experience.

Hmm, jury's out on that one tbh, Your DP somehow IS telling you in no uncertain terms that he has a say on what you do, with and without him. That his life and view IS more important than yours.

You have gone out with an old friend, one that clearly he feels threatened by, because you knew her before him, because of the singles holiday, and because she is by far the closest friend you have.

You say all the children, he expects you not to have time with your DS only, does he not have time only with his DC? If not, that's something that needs addressing too, they need time with their Dad only too. Are you doing the bulk of the childcare too?

This guy IS controlling, but in a different way to the previous one. It is control nonetheless.

Your DP is already wanting to know where you are and when you will be back. How is that different?

This is not about you BTW, this is about him. HIS control issue. With reassurance from you, it may be that he can learn to relax his grip. Maybe, maybe not.

But you do have to stand up for yourself again, you do have to state that you have friends and will see them, that it doesn't mean he is thought any less of.

However, if he stands in your way, tries to tell you not to see your friends, that you WILL think less of him and it WILL seriously hamper your relationship. Tell him that any one that loves another person needs to want to see that person happy, fulfilled, free and with a full and meaningful life.

Your DP is being very unreasonable. My children are older now but I sometimes go out with my 18 yrae old DD for the day sometimes wirth my best friend. I usually tell DH what I'm going to do as he would do the same for me. I don't have to constantly text to update him> If I'm going to be a lot later back then I planned then I might text him to let hin knoe, But I knoew he will be fine either way.
By the way Dh would have been very happy to not go to a play centre when the children were younger,

How old? Sorry totally unacceptable nonsense from a grown up!

He's 40 years old

You know something isn't right when you have to battle with your partner to be able to spend a day alone with your child.

he is v unreasonable, you have done nothing wrong
dont get why he would claim he wanted to come, and why he would have a problem with this - not normal behaviour

When I read back this thread and then look at DP, I can't really believe he did it and the other few times he has done it too.

But that's how these things start isn't it? A gradual process.

I'm very uneasy. I thought I had chosen a good one this time.

OP his controlling actions dont' come with a sign saying "this is a controlling behaviour". controlling partners are only able to control because they don't make it obvious that is what they are doing otherwise you would run for the hills at his first attempt wouldnt you? and yes, it happens gradually. it starts when he knows you ahve feelings for him and are less likely to leave and the longer you are with him, the stronger those feelings are and the more of a hold he can have over you. that's how it works.

karmabeliever,

It's not so much that I have to battle to get a day alone with DS, it's that he won't set up regular contact with his kids in the holidays. His ex refuses to tell him what the arrangements are in the holidays until the very last minute and it's too late for me to book time off work. When I have asked if I could book a day off and he NOT have his children on that day, but can have them every other day in the holidays, I get told No.

On what grounds?

Katisha,

Because he wants to see his kids as often as possible. Simple as that.

I think that you should book time off when you want it and spend the time alone with your child. Really it's up to him to make his own arrangements with his ex regarding the time he spends with his own DCs. I don't see why your plans should be dependent upon his. Do you not think it's a problem that he is telling you no, when you want to book a day off for one to one time with your DS?

Hi,

It's not that DP is telling me I can't have one to one time with DS, it's just that he will allow himself to be dicated to by his ex wife when to have the DC and having one to one time with DS is a bit defeated if I have to take his children with me also!

I have had a chat with him and he says that he always tries to arrange things for all of us to do and he felt "pushed out".

I was quite blunt and told him that if I want to go out with a friend for a "girly" afternoon, I bloomin well will do so. I also asked him to make it clear that he would like to join us BEFORE the event rather than sulking afterwards.

I told him this incident and the other couple of incidents smack of controlling behaviour and I absolutely won't be manipulated by it.

He was a bit at my assertive rant.

I think I can only wait and see what happens now. Went out yesterday afternoon and met up with a family member for lunch. He didn't say a word or do anything to try to make me feel guilty, so all is good.

He's acting like a big kid. I'd tell him to man up.

Glad you have told him that you are going to continue seeing your friends and won't stand for controlling behaviour. You just have to make sure that you continue to do what you say, because these things start out slowly and controlling behaviour is so gradual that you change without realising it until it is too late. Still, only you are in a position to judge really. i think I'd still be on my guard tbh.

I think I'd also still be inclined to book my time off to spend with DS and tell him that I am unavailable to look after his kids too on that day. It might spur him into taking some action with his ex. Not right that you and DS miss out on alone time because he can't sort out arrangements with his childrens mother.

Thanks Karmabeliever.

I will be monitoring the situation carefully. Maybe, he does have a nasty controlling streak and maybe we will split up over it, but I'm not prepared to give up on us yet.

And yes, I have decided that I will have time with DS, I will try and juggle my work around and if not, I will simply take DS out on our own. I have given up a lot to be with DP and his children (and gained a lot too). I am entitled to have time with DS alone - and quality time sometimes too, not just an hour before bed during the week.

He needs to grow up, frankly.