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AIBU?

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Original poster

to wonder if he actually wants to marry me...?

32 replies

laydy · 01/11/2010 09:38

name changed - bit embarassed Blush

Been with dp 3 years. I was still married to my ex when we met, (although long separated). the divorce took ages and only got finalised this august.

Dp proposed to me last summer, made a real big deal out of it, big diamond ring, champagne, down on one knee, but obviously at the time we couldn't get married as I was still married :o

Now I am divorced though - I want to marry dp! We are practically married anyway as we live together and have got a toddler DD! But he hasn't said anything about actually getting married (even though he was the one who proposed!) but has said things like, I can't wait to marry you, but never, when shall we do it, lets book it! I don't want to be the one to bring it up as I want it to be all his choice IYSWIM? I don't want a big do, (did that last time, hated it.) I just want it to be about the two of us.

what do people think? we have been engaged well over a year now :(

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 01/11/2010 09:40

I htink he wants to, maybe he is not the organisatorial star. He got his courage together to propose, he bought a ring etc. Go and research it a bit, where, when, how and then present him with some concrete details and ask what he thinks, give him a bit of choice in it buth ave something to start finalising details with.

MyLifeIsChaotic · 01/11/2010 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ZZZenAgain · 01/11/2010 09:43

ok find a place (or 2), that's where
find out when those places are available , that's when?
find out how much it might cost altogether roughly
think about how you'd like it

then say well, I've been looking into making an honest man of you and this is what I found out. What do you think about doing it this way, would that be how you'd like it or should we look at a summer wedding, different place etc

go on now, maybe he's waiting for you and you are waiting for him. That way nothing happens

TattyDevine · 01/11/2010 09:43

He might be wanting you to get it organised - he probably sees it as your big day etc (if he knows what's good for him anyway Grin

There's no shame in saying "darling, I was thinking we should set a date for the wedding, what do you think?" - after all, he has proposed!

Stinkyoldclottedcatspus · 01/11/2010 09:45

I've been engaged for twelve years!

LittleRedPumpkin · 01/11/2010 09:50

I think he wants to! He may wonder if you do: I expect he's waiting for you.

Also, anecdotally, lots of men feel crap at organizing weddings and the media tends to portray it as a woman's thing, not a man's. He might feel like he's stepping on your toes (in fact, although my DH is generally lovely and hard working, it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything to do with the wedding. He wanted to be married, he just didn't want to think about flowers and invitations.)

Congratulations! Smile

emptyshell · 01/11/2010 09:55

My hubby just had no idea where to start - when emailing the registrar to try to get some outline dates as possibles her reply to me was "you're marrying a typical man then."

ENormaSnob · 01/11/2010 09:57

I think he does.

He's probably waiting for you to sort it or bring it up.

diddl · 01/11/2010 09:59

Hoping the fact that he has asked means he does!

Why not just ask him when is he thinking of, or pick a month that you woul dlike & ask if that´s OK & then get organising!

TheEvilDead2 · 01/11/2010 10:21

He did the bloke bit (in his mind) he asked you.

He now expectas for you to do the woman thing (in his mind)plan a wedding and invite everyone and choose a date and let him know when to arrive.

Original poster
laydy · 01/11/2010 15:44

Yeah I hope he does diddl So I wouldn't be being pushy or a bridezilla if I mentioned it then? I know lots of men aren't really bothered about getting married and only do it for their partners, I don't want to be that kind of person. He was married before too and once told me his ex wife was very pushy and desperate to get married so he proposed to shut her up :o but then she went and booked the wedding without even consulting him first Confused he was very young though!

OP posts:
Hedgeblunder · 01/11/2010 15:58

I would just say 'which season do you think is nicest for a wedding?' then whatever he says just say 'ohh I'd love to get married in May (if he sys spring)'
then go and get him a cuppa!

emsyj · 01/11/2010 16:13

I think TheEvilDead2 is quite right - he is expecting you to do the 'bride' thing of organising the whole wedding, and thinks that his only job is to turn up. This is what DH thought. If you are happy to organise the whole thing then just go ahead. I quite liked DH's total lack of interest in the actual wedding - meant I could just get on with organising it and choose all the stuff I liked!

mendipgirl · 01/11/2010 16:21

He's proposed, given you the ring, says he wants to...what more do you want?...just get on and organise it yourself. Most brides do the bulk of the organising themselves so I would just get some ideas of what you want and talk to him about it!!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/11/2010 16:28

talk to him. Couples that don't tell each other what's on their mind for whatever reason - including my mother who thinks my father should be possessed of mind reading abilities and "if he only cared enough he'd know" Hmm - just aren't going to do well.

FakePlasticTrees · 01/11/2010 16:32

One of DH's (less enlightened) friends when faced with wedding planning stated "I've done my bit, I asked the right woman and bought a ring. Now all I should have to do is ask a best man, then turn up where I'm told to, when I'm told to, wearing what I've been told to. What the f* am I doing having to look at chair covers?"

For a lot of men, this is really the state of mind. Of the 30+ weddings I've been to, I've only known one groom who actually cared about any of the details. Actually, that's not true, my DH wanted lots of wine, a DJ who'd play ACDC, and to ensure we didn't pick a date that clashed with any major sporting events, but actually organising that was left to me.

Just ask him if he wants you to get on with it.

TheEvilDead2 · 02/11/2010 07:09

What the f* am I doing having to look at chair covers?

Grin
5DollarShake · 02/11/2010 07:23

Just talk to him!

I find a it odd that having proposed and shown excitement about it, you're still scared of mentioning it or bringing it up for fear of seeming like his ex.

He's probably wondering more why you're not bringing it up...! Which makes me wonder wny the two of you seem so wary of broaching a topic that anyone at your stage in a relationship should be happy and clnfortable to discuss.

I don't mean this in an accusatory way. :) but you're honestly NOT going to be thought a Bridezilla just by setting a date and getting things moving. Grin

spidookly · 02/11/2010 07:24

You want it all to come from him because you don't want to seem like his "pushy" ex who was clear about her desire to get married?

You're not ready to get married.

ps proposing to someone to get them to shut up says far worse things about the proposer than the proposee.

You say he was young then. Are you sure he's grown out of his willingness to do absolutely anything for a quiet life?

spidookly · 02/11/2010 07:38

Just rememered you have a child together.

Christ Almighty woman, grow up.

If there's a conversation to be had just have it.

Plenty of suggestion above, but something like

"when shall we have the wedding?"

oh, and don't establish any precedent of women's work being your job. Planning a wedding is time consuming. Don't do all of it like some gobshite.

Kirk1 · 02/11/2010 07:42

My DH wanted to be married to me, but if he could have managed it without the ceremony he would have done. I expect your DP does want to be married to you (he asked!) but the whole getting married thing is not something he wants to think about. Do tell him you would like to dispense with the "Big Day" hassle, I'm sure he'll love the idea!

curlymama · 02/11/2010 08:18

He wouldn't have asked if he didn't want to marry you, he may well be wondering why you haven't brought it up now that you're divorced.

Ask him, then start looking for a dress!

Original poster
laydy · 02/11/2010 09:15

Thats the thing, I don't WANT a big wedding, I don't want anyone else involved. I want it to be just the two of us, so the only planning that will need doing is to book the registry office.

spidookly Yeah he knows he was silly getting married before just to please his ex. His rationale is that he didn't want to or wasn't ready for marriage, but at the same time he didn't want to lose her. So he did the wrong thing, but for the right reasons IYSWIM.

I know he wants to marry me, for all the time we have been together, it has always been him mentioning marriage, when he proposed he said he had no idea if I would say yes or not because he said I always seemed so ambivalent about marriage :o when in reality I was mad about him from day 1 and knew I wanted to marry him one day, but I would NEVER have told him that because forone I wanted to play hard to get and also I knew about how his ex was and didn't want to be like her!

What tangled webs we weave :o

I am going to bring it up tonight. Will report back. Thanks everybody for all the advice, I feel much more confident now. XX

OP posts:
badfairy · 02/11/2010 09:35

Yes yes, ask him ..I bet he's thinking, blimey she's divorced now and hasn't mentioned getting married I better keep shtum!

ChippingIn · 02/11/2010 10:59

Are you sure this is what you want?

You don't seem to be able to be yourself in this relationship - a bit too nuch wakjing on egg shells for my liking?!