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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL was at best thoughtless and at worst weirdly passively aggressively unpleasant.

54 replies

Nager · 31/10/2010 18:40

Over the years I have tried to have friendly relationship with my SIL but since my son was born I have noticed she has said and done things which leave me feeling crapped on.

One such was this. for my DS' 3rd birthday SIL and family were invited over for tea.

I made a birthday cake for DS.

Imagine my surprise when SIL knocked at door and was holding another birthday cake, completewith lit candles and with her family singing "happy birthday to you".

On the face of it this was a nice thing to do but Ifeltcrapped on, but I could not complain becuase she had been being 'nice'.

I wanted to be the one to present my cake with candles etc but I was left feeling deflated and childish.

I should add that DS has allergies which meant he could not actually eat the cake SIL brought.

This is one of several things she has done which I think are odd but which I don't feel justified in challenging.

The lastest was ringing up DP and pretending to be me when he put DS on the phone to say hello. I came downstairs oblivious and DS said 'Mummy why were you on phone?'

DP said 'oh didn't you realise it was auntie
X?'

I felt really angry and hurt. AIBU and too sensitve.
Or is she behaving oddly?

Anybody else have difficult SILs?

OP posts:
defineme · 31/10/2010 18:45

Sounds freaky.
The cake thing I would maybe have thought perhaps it was like extra cake, but candles is odd.
My mil once turned up with a whole buffet at my house -a contribution is lovely, but 3 courses plus nibbles suggests she thiinks I'm not up to the job!
Pretending to be you is weird-what does your dh think? Is this normal for her?

Does she have any emotional issues/problems in her own life?

pozzled · 31/10/2010 18:45

Are you sure she 'pretended' to be you? Couldn't it just have been a fairly standard conversation with a young child ('Oh hello x, how are you?' etc) and he simply didn't realise who he was talking to? If she actually said 'It's mummy' then I agree it is very weird.

With the cake thing I understand why it annoyed you, and think she should have checked first, but she could have meant it in the nicest possible way.

anonymosity · 31/10/2010 18:47

She sounds a bit un-hinged. No suggestions as to how to manage other than avoid, avoid, avoid...

OTTMummA · 31/10/2010 18:49

Does she have children of her own?

maddy68 · 31/10/2010 18:54

I think she hasn't done anything wrong tbf?

I think it was a nice thing to do re the cake and as others have suggested I doubt very much she pretended to be you on the phone and your child got muddled.

jaffacake2 · 31/10/2010 18:55

Just wondering is she jealous of your family?

I have a very tactless SIL, could write an entire book of her awful comments. Worst was when my other brother died and she said to me " I think that you think the wrong brother died" ie her husband my eldest brother. A complete bitch but sadly I have put up with her cos didnt want to upset my parents .

You can choose your friends but not your relatives. Try to ignore her with silent contempt.

StewieGriffinsMom · 31/10/2010 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 31/10/2010 19:15

I don't understand. Blush

coming to your door with a cake and candles, singing Happy Birthday seems like a nice thing to do. Your son couldn't eat the cake (but I'm sure the rest of you could?) but to have a surprise at the door sounds nice. And no child is going to complain about 2 lots of candles Grin

Same with the phone. It sounds like a joke to me. "who's that" "it's your mum" silly, childish, but who doesn't do daft things for a joke? She could well have just been being daft, assuming that your son would know full well it was auntie not mum.

I just don't see how either thing is passive aggressive. Singing happy birthday and saying (if she even did) ooh, it's your mum.

BlackBag · 31/10/2010 19:16

Stick to health and weather conversation and try not to be alone in the same room. Back out the door smiling nicely Grin

SpookyMousePink · 31/10/2010 19:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForMashGetSmash · 31/10/2010 19:22

i undertand OP ...why you were offended by both events. But the fact that Hecate doesn't should show us that diffeent people see things in their own way...I would never DREAM of going to a toddlers party armed with a cake....but perhaps some folk just don't think that way? It might not be as dark as it appears to those who think like us!

BelligerentGhoul · 31/10/2010 19:25

I'm with Hecate. Bringing a cake and candles to a birthday party just sounds like being a bit over-enthusiastic but friendly, not thoughtless.

And the phone thing really does sound like your child was confused, unless you have proof that she was deliberately setting out to confuse him, which from your OP doesn't seem to be the case. To assume (if no proof) that she had pretended to be you sounds a very strange response to what your ds and dp said.

Original poster
Nager · 31/10/2010 19:25

Yes she has 2 children of her own.

Yes I do know she did say 'it's mummy' cos I asked DP what she had said and he told me and also said, 'its the only way DS will talk to her'....joke???

Cake- yes I think it was just thoughtless but is comes after various other episodes starting with her visit to see DS in the antenatal ward. She turned up an hour early which meant my family had to leave cos of too many visitors and they had all come together in same car. Then she burst into tears and only stayed only 10 mins giving me no explanation for why she was so upset and then later said my family had 'gone off in a huff' ( which I am quite sure was not true).
Not sure why she travelled from one side of the city to the other to stand on my room at hospital crying.It was only till much later that I thought 'hang on, that was supposed to be my special joyous time, don't I deserve an axplantion if not an apology?'

And yes she does have issues, big ones in my opinion and I feel sorry for her in some ways but I feel really frustrated that her issues are never really acknowledged and the net result is that she can behave in odd ways and be quite rude (she has twice made adverse comment about the state of my kitchen and once told me I was really overweight (when I wasn't but that is hardly the point) and no one ever calls her on them. She gets away with stuff.

Yes I have decided to avoid her but I feel annoyed with myself that I have just let things go and never told her some of the stuff she says/does is unacceptable, but then again there is nothing to be gained by making things awkward for DP i guess- I think he knows she is nutty but feels loyal/protective of her.

There are a whole load of other episodes which I won't bore you with but I am interested to know how others deal with the relationships with sils and not getting between them and DHs. Am I right not to tell DP how annoyed/ hurt/ confused I am.

I should add that another SIL recently summed up first SIL saying 'she is evil'. Perhaps I am wasting time on analysing the situation and go with that explanation!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nager · 31/10/2010 19:28

Cake- thoughtless but meant well I should add.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 31/10/2010 19:29

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spiderpig8 · 31/10/2010 19:31

Cake thing - nice
phone thing- How does your DS know what she said to your boy ?Sounds like your DS being confused (hearing a female voice and assuming it was you) or at worst a silly joke to try and get him to talk to her.

Rannaldini · 31/10/2010 19:32

so you have a problem

draw a line in the sand

be your own person and from now on promise yourself to treat her as you see fit (but fairly)
be clear and firm with her about your boundaries and when she oversteps them be firm but let her know

job done

rollerbaby · 31/10/2010 19:35

She sounds a tad fucked up and is used to throwing a tantrum to get attention. I would either deal with it by continuing to be friendly and supportive but not taking any notice when she does stuff, or tell her in a matter of fact/I'm not dealing with your weirdness as and when it happens. Just like you would a child. I wouldn't let her away with it personally. It's clearly building up resentment in your head so you can't really ignore it.

Original poster
Nager · 31/10/2010 19:37

Hmm the different reactions are helpful and all things I have thought myself at different times please keep them coming if you have nothing better to do.

She can be pleasant but she is one of those women who seems to want to get close one day and then back off the next. I guess that is one reason why this bothers me becasue I did think we were reasonably close at one point.

OP posts:
phipps · 31/10/2010 19:39

Maybe she wants to be more involved in your family?

tinky19 · 31/10/2010 19:40

YANBU
She needs to back off. She sounds odd and you're DP needs to tell her.

rollerbaby · 31/10/2010 19:42

She sounds resentful or jealous in her behaviour which isn't normal if she has her own family. Does your DH have a bit of an odd relationship wiht her? Whats her partner like?

RedHeels · 31/10/2010 19:47

Sorry, but I think the cake situation was not just a friendly gesture. Thoughtless definitely.
First wherever I go somewhere (friends, family) I ask first if there is anything they need because otherwise people end up with loads of food that ends up binned. If I really want to bring something from me, I still let them know so they maybe don't have to buy the same thing twice.
Secondly, it would be obvious to me that if there is a child's birthday party, then most probably the parents will be planning a big hoo-ha with entering the room with candles and their cake and killing the tune singing Happy Birthday to their PBF. It is a big deal for the parents the child.

CrazyPlateLady · 31/10/2010 20:01

I wouldn't have liked the cake thing at all. I am DS's mummy, I make his cakes and I wouldn't be overly happy with someone else turning up with another cake. I think she was doing it, maybe not maliciously, but I don't think it was such a kind gesture. Surely she would know that the parents of a child who had arranged a birthday tea would have a cake too? I agree with RedHeels.

The phone thing seems odd. Not sure what to make of that one.

MadamDeathstare · 31/10/2010 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.