To think SIL was at best thoughtless and at worst weirdly passively aggressively unpleasant.

[Nager]

Over the years I have tried to have friendly relationship with my SIL but since my son was born I have noticed she has said and done things which leave me feeling crapped on.

One such was this. for my DS' 3rd birthday SIL and family were invited over for tea.

I made a birthday cake for DS.

Imagine my surprise when SIL knocked at door and was holding another birthday cake, completewith lit candles and with her family singing "happy birthday to you".

On the face of it this was a nice thing to do but Ifeltcrapped on, but I could not complain becuase she had been being 'nice'.

I wanted to be the one to present my cake with candles etc but I was left feeling deflated and childish.

I should add that DS has allergies which meant he could not actually eat the cake SIL brought.

This is one of several things she has done which I think are odd but which I don't feel justified in challenging.

The lastest was ringing up DP and pretending to be me when he put DS on the phone to say hello. I came downstairs oblivious and DS said 'Mummy why were you on phone?'

DP said 'oh didn't you realise it was auntie
X?'

I felt really angry and hurt. AIBU and too sensitve.
Or is she behaving oddly?

Anybody else have difficult SILs?

Well DP is the eldest of the family and some very sad things happened a long time ago and
keeping the family together means a lot to him- he is also awful at dealing with any kind of conflict. SIL has already fallen out with one other of her sibings and they now never talk, so I know its not just me that she winds up.

It's me that I'm most annoyed with because I have not set firm boundaries due to wanting to be friends.

However I also think sil has become stranger over the years and somewhat 'uninhibited' in the the things she says.

On a side note she is obsessed with weight and being thin I'm not sure I'd go so far as saying she is anorexic but she constantly watches what she eats and tells her 2 teenage daughters they are fat (they are not at all fat), and I really, really think that a bad way to behave and yet (NO ONE, [apart from me once, tentatively when full of Dutch courage] ever suggests this might be an unhelpful way to talk to her daughters.) Sure enough one niece came round yesterday 'for lunch' but wouldn't eat anything cos she cos she is on a 'soup diet'. I emphasise both girls are gorgeous and quite thin already.

But maybe I am just envious cos I get fatter every year?

Can you speak to the other sister to find out what's up with her and get some tips in how to deal with her?

I'd keep her at arms length where possible and be polite when you have to speak to her.

She tells her DDs they are fat?! How awful! She doesn't sound like someone I would want around.

Did she want boys, or lost a baby boy at all?
How old are her children?
Does she want more?

Sounds like she's trying to re-live or live part of her child rearing days through your DS.
Nothing wrong with being super cool, fun aunt, but shes actually being mean and offensive to you, ruining YOUR moments with YOUR son, not on.

I would of accidently dropped her cake BTW on the handover at the door.

But, she sounds like she needs some help, even if its just some talking therapy.
You shouldn't have to deal with her projecting issues onto you.

Nager, I know exactly how you feel. Have tried really really hard over the years to get on with SIL. Of late it seemed to be going well, until a very recent party where she systematically took photos of all her friends and completely ignored the fact that I (and husband) were even in the room. Then posted pics on facebook. Every single female friend was snapped with the exception being me.

Was so upset and annoyed but she probably is unaware of how insensitive it was. Just felt i wasn't good enough or important enough to warrant being in said photos. Seems pathetic reading this back but just hurts.

Umm, I won't make cake for any children's birthdays in future [hblush]

From your more recent posts, SIL sounds like quite a disturbed person and I feel sorry for her DDs. Overall, I don't actually think it makes any difference whether your respondents feel she's being deliberately offensive or not. The point is YOU find her offensive. You are within your rights to say you feel offended - or, in your OP, "Oh, thanks for the cake but I've made one. I'll just put this in the back." I would ask her not to pretend she's you as it's important for DS to learn who he can trust. Next time she knocks your kitchen, or your weight, just smoothly tell her she's being very rude!

You sound quite easy to bully, actually. How's your self-confidence? Have a look at my favourite assertiveness primer - and good luck!

The cake incident was very strange. No way would I go to a child's party with a birthday cake & candles! If I intended taking food with me I'd definitely check with the parents first.

My DS is allergic to nuts and if anyone brought food containing nuts to my house it would go straight in the bin.

Since she's aware of your DS's food allergy it was very passive aggressive imo.

The phone thing was just extremely weird. It almost sounds as if SIL wants to be your son's mummy.

Good point about wanting more childen/boys this might be an explanation and it might even explain v strange behaviour in the hospital but if so I wish she would explain. Her girls are teenagers and I know she had a tough time when they were young (first marriage splitting up etc.)
I think she might be jealous. On occasions she has 'forgotten' to refer to me as 'mummy' when talking to my son as in, 'take that (sundry item) to Doris (not my my real name) oh sorry I mean, take it to mummy'. Also she has in my presence held her arms out to DS and said, 'come to mummy' i.e. her- as a joke(?). I was nonplussed.

The vibes I get off her have definitely become strange(r) since I had DS.

Mermaid this happens to me too I dutifully take family snaps but no one (incuding DP- grr) thinks to include me. I have often felt like I am not actually in the room at such family gatherings. Well from now one I won't be!

Your SIL obviously has issues!!

I would just keep repeating this to yourself next time she starts the attention seeking behaviour.

Just feel sorry for her, dont waste your energy on her and concentrate on your little boy.

ItsGhoul- yes I think you are right in some circumstances I can be bullied but most people would be very surprised to hear that and assume I am assertive at all times.My trouble is I see every side of everything, and really don't know what to think.

I know she has had a very tough time ( a very long time ago) and so I make allowances and becasue I am very open with my feelings I am still learning to deal with people who are the opposite or who chop and change.

I will check out the assertiveness primer.

I agree with honeymoo that she sounds jealous & resentful & is clearly an attention seeker. I have a very complicated relationship with my SIL (DH's sister) & I still struggle with it. I've had all sorts of weirdness to deal with, especially in relation to my wedding & when DS1 was born. Although outwardly she appears to have a "perfect" life, is married with a nice home & runs her own successful business she is very insecure & needs constant attention, particularly from my PIL with whom she spends most of her time. In the past her behaviour has grated on me so much that I've behaved badly & sometimes like a complete bitch trying to make sure she doesn't get one over me & all this has done is alienate me from my PIL & caused rows between DH & I. Although they acknowledge her behaviour is often inappropriate they won't criticize her for it as it's just how she is, with me & everyone. My advice to you about your SIL is to keep her at arms length but be as friendly as you have to be for the sake of your DH & DS as she is their family. Her behaviour towards you is definitely odd & you are not being sensitive but you need to ignore it & rise above it. If she is anything like my SIL she will have plenty of other people to wind up.

So all of you would turn up to someone's birthday tea with a birthday cake? Really? I would assume if I was invited round for a birthday that the cake would be there unless told otherwise. I don't think it sounds nice, it sounds like muscling in. Organising the cake is the host's job. There is generally only one cake. Guests bring presents.

And the phone thing is weird. You might pretend to be someone else, but the child's mother? Very odd.

Ooh someone did the cake thing for DP once (when me and DS had already made him a cake) - I was really upset - but couldn't say anything because it was "nice" (and actually genuinely well meant I think) but it did hurt me. Didn't help that it was a younger woman.

I think your SIL sounds like one of those people for whom everything has to be about her and she will do whatever it takes to put herself centre-stage - possibly without fully realising she does it. I can completely understand why it winds you up. I find people like this really difficult and tbh in your shoes I'd just see her as little as possible and back off emotionally. If I were a better person I'd fake being nice but I'm crap at that.

My in-laws brought a birthday cake round for one of my DS's birthdays once, even though I'd made a special one (and it had taken me ages!). I felt really awkward to be honest, and also felt like they were muscling in. At least they had the honesty to admit it was because it was going cheap in the supermarket where FIL worked so they thought they'd bring it along as an extra one, but it was still bigger than the cake I'd made and just made me feel a bit shitty - they said "Oh, he's got two now - he can blow out the candles on both of them."

To be honest, at the time I felt like you, but now I can't even remember quite what i did in the end. I THINK I was actually quite firm and said "Well, we'll leave this one here in the kitchen in case we run out of his proper one, eh?" and just got on with doing the candles and the happy birthday thing wtih the one that I'd made.

I'm sure my PILs meant well, in fact, I KNOW they did. They can just get it a bit wrong sometimes, so I let it go.

But there are a lot of wierd things about your SIL, OP. The "Come to mummy" thing was probably the wierdest........if someone had said that to my kids (and it wasn't a slip of the tongue) I would have looked at them like they had a screw loose. I'd try and steer clear without avoidign her altogether.

Frankly she sounds a bit creepy - it would never occur to me to turn up with a birthday cake. As others have said, that is the perogative of the host unless someone has been specifically asked to arrange the cake.

Very odd - and I don't like the sound of her "accidentally" using your first name when speaking to your son. Or saying "come to mummy" as a "joke". Very, very weird.

I'd advise you to be very wary of this woman - sorry to sound melodramatic but be careful.

On a more serious note, I have got to the point where I would like to stipulate in our wills that SIL is not to be DS' guardian if the need for one arises or rather, stipulate that someone else would be.
This is not because she has annoyed/upset me with cake/kitchen/weight/hospital/generally insensitve remarks but because she a first rate screw up, unwilling to do anything about it and is a really negative person who can suck the life force out of a room if she is in a bad mood. I would want one of my own sisters to have DS.I was put in my sister's will as guardians for her children (who are now grown up) she really loves DS and the feeling is mutual.

I know this is a morbid and dramatic thing to think about but it has crossed my mind once or twice recently. Need to broach the subject with DP. I don't think he'd have a problem but I need to be able to say it calmly without having a go at his sister. Has anybody else included guardians in will, how did you choose?

OMG, OP, we haven't even GOT a will, never mind stipulated guardianship of our DSs. Really there is no-one else I would choose other than my parents and they are getting on a bit. A couple of other aunties and uncles were a possibilities, but lately I have really disagreed with how they have been bringing up their own kids and would hate for mine to be brought up that way. It's a worry, isn't it?

Just jump in and discuss the will thing and say your first thought is youru sister and see what he says. He might just say "I agree" and you don't even need to raise the subject of HIS wierd sister.

My DH and I did our wills (mirror wills) recently and we agreed on a friend to be the guardian as I don't want either of our families to take care of our DC's. I have told the friend - wanted to check she was happy with that - and she was but wouldn't dream of telling my parents or sister or DH's family that that is what would happen at this point as it would cause massive rifts. However... if only one of either me or DH was left and had a life limiting condition I think I would tell them about it so that everyone was prepared. Another good reason not to say anything at this point is if we changed our mind/something happened to the friend and we made other plans.

I felt much happier once I made the will and the decision that this would be the way it would be.

Nager, the cake thing is really, really bad. DH and I have just spent 10 minutes talking about the many levels on which your SIL's behaviour is crap. Our DS has food allergies and if anyone brought round a birthday cake he couldn't eat... and expected him to blow the candles out... well... words fail me...

I don't think you're being morbid or dramatic about writing a will which keeps your DS safe.

Nager I also have a very unpleasant SIL that gets away with murder. I have lived in the same town as her for 4 years now, since I married my dh and we are now moving away solely to get away from her. She was always a bit haughty with me as she is quite bossy (told me once she was the head of the family) and I won't be bossed around by her. My closeness to my MIL has also been an issue- she apparently felt threatened by it. Since my ds was born it's all become tiringly competitive and she has moved onto passive-agressive behaviour.

Like you, we have stipulated in our wills that she is not, under any circumstances to be appointed guardian of our ds if something should happen to us. We took legal advice before doing so and I was told a judge would have to have a very good reason to disregard our wishes. In our case,in addition to her behaviour, dh felt that the "them and us" attitude my SIL has would pretty much guarantee that my family would never see ds again. For me, it's important that he knows he is part Welsh. With this in mind,we appointed my mum as guardian. Back up are my sister and my cousin and his wife who like us are English/Welsh speaking and go back to Wales often. They cannot have children of their own or adopt due to past cancer but would be fab,loving parents to ds.

From what you say Nager I think there's a big possibility that, as others have suggested, she lost a baby son or really longed for a boy. I have an aunt who is a bit like this. She never lost a child but she is obsessed with babies (her own daughters are grown up) and often does weird things like pretending to be the mummy of other people's children. If she visits a family with young children she just will not leave the child alone, to the point where it gets ridiculous. She also has a tendency to say rude things and doesn't have a great relationship with her daughters.

If your SIL did lose a baby or has issues around children then it could really have affected her stability. The cake thing doesn't sound normal at all and the "come to mummy" is completely inappropriate. Have you asked DH what might be wrong with her? What did he think of the cake thing? I think it's really admirable that your DH wants to keep the family together and while I can totally understand how you're feeling, would it be possible for you to take a sort of pitying approach to your SIL and tolerate her for your DH's sake?

I have tried to talk to DP but he won't engage on the subject-does not want to be disloyal or face up to the very strange woman she is.

Trust your instincts, SILs can be utter shites.

On my son's 1st birthday, I was busy getting it ready all day ( was a BIG family BBQ )

I kept son in his PJs all day so that I could pop hi special outfit on just before the party all clean and fresh.

Bastard SIL turned up and asked what could she do to help. I asked her to put son's outfit on for me, and told where it was hanging all nice in his room.

Anyway, about 40 minutes later, I finally got to my son only to find him being paraded about his 1st party IN HIS DIRTY FUCKING PYJAMAS !!!! It was 4pm.

I will never know why she didn't dress him for me. I would rather she had just said no and then i could have done it myself. It seems a small thing but I was fucking evil when it happened and i will never forgive her for it. (There have been many other similar incidents over the years)

Oh Greenban re allergy (dairy and egg which she knew about full well)of course it was me who had to tell DS he couldn't eat the cake and SIL said, 'Oh he can just have a bit of the icing though can't he?'.

( I have to admit at that point I went and had a half a pill of my emergency, ancient stock of valium as I thought I might lose it, and was thereafter able to put on a bravora performance of happy families!).

She sounds a little tightly wound, but then, while we're in the mood for making huge assumptions, it reads like you have a bit of a problem with her too.