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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think He's a bit of a feeder?!

45 replies

OTTMummA · 31/10/2010 16:57

Before i start, i would like to make it clear that i take full responsibility for what a fat cow i have become.

I am currently at my heaviest ever, too big for me to say comfortably, but my bmi is in the 40s Blush just to give you the idea.

I haven't always been fat, and infact i was a skinny child, and slim teenager.

I have since having DS said practically every week, oh i will be starting on monday, blah, blah.

I have never lasted more than a week or so.

I have never lost a significant amount of weight for a prolonged period.

But i have started to notice a pattern, when ever i state this, the next day my DH will get me a treat, ie, a big bar of chocolate, or half a dozen Krispy Kremes and the like.

He's done it again this week, a whole week of random treats, and when i say, " oh but i can't, thankyou but no " he will get upset!

Im currently being tested for colieac disease amongst other things, and his behaviour is starting to worry my slightly.

I am heavier now than when i met him, by 5st more.
He never tells me he hates the way i look etc.
I don't get it, he seems supportive of when i try to make an effort, except with all the treat giving.

What would you do?

OP posts:
ForMashGetSmash · 31/10/2010 17:00

I would sit him down and tell him....I have noticed this...and if you dont stop it then I will leave in order to be away from the temptation and lack of support.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/10/2010 17:02

Perhaps he feels guilty when he eats the junk & if you participate in the junkfest then it aleviates his guilt?

Just tell him your health is at risk & he's not helping!

CarGirl · 31/10/2010 17:03

I told Dh when if my cholesterol comes back high then we will not longer be having the foods I shouldn't eat in the house. Poor bloke we work in the same office he won't even be able to eat them there.

Sounds to me like you need to talk to your dh and ask him to support you rather than sabotaging.

sheeplikessleep · 31/10/2010 17:04

Talk to him. Assume he is doing it out of misguided love than anything sinister initially. Say you would like his support, explain what you plan to do. See how he responds and what he does. Only by explicitly saying you appreciate the gifts, but you'd really like to give it a go. At least that way you've specifically asked him not to keep buying you these things. See what happens.

Tortington · 31/10/2010 17:04

ultimatley its up to you, if he sulks tell him that whilst you appreciate the sentiment you would appreciate the support more

if he still sulks tell him to fuck off - that you aren't going to stay fat for him.

i have to say, DH did have a bit of a wobble, just a throw away comment about me leaving him if i got thin, i did and i haven't. its security for them if you have low esteme

Doodlez · 31/10/2010 17:04

Don't announce you're dieting?

Hedgeblunder · 31/10/2010 17:06

I think you do need to be careful here, but only you can decide what to put in your mouth, if you don't want to upset him, say thankyou and chuck it while he's at work.
Being a feeder is ultimately being abusive really, you really need to put your foot down.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/10/2010 17:06

Are you well insured, OP?

thesecondcoming · 31/10/2010 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Olifin · 31/10/2010 17:13

Agree with sheeplikessleep but would also add that fad diets are (as you probably know!) not a good idea as you have to start eating 'normally' again at some point. Far better to make some more subtle, long-lasting changes which you can maintain.

And...the impact of exercise can't be underestimated. IME, it doesn't necessarily lead to drastic weight loss but changes your body shape completely. But I say that as someone who didn't have much weight to lose in the first place; more a case of toning up. If you are rather large then I should imagine exercise will help you shift a few pounds too. It also does wonders for your general health, self-esteem and sex life :)

marriednotdead · 31/10/2010 17:13

Stop it Annie!

Tell him you want treats in non-food form, flowers, CD's etc from now on and see what reaction you get.

Agree about the insecurity issue, have a friend whose DH was really shitty with her when she slimmed down. One day when he did it in front of me, I just said 'are you scared she'll run off with someone now she looks even better?!' Strangely enough he stopped the digs.

Mumcentreplus · 31/10/2010 17:28

People do tend to have habits does he not buy you treats any other time?? it may be more noticable when you are trying to make an effort.

I would not start habouring ill feeling towards your DH..discuss your thoughts and feelings with him tell him you want his support.

Original poster
OTTMummA · 31/10/2010 17:33

Confused We both are actually Annie! Smile
But im sure he wants to keep me around,,, i hope!

I will be having a word, i don't think he is doing it to be abusive, but it is making things harder for me.

Im kind of hoping my test comes back positive for Colieac disease as i will absolutley not be able to have any more of these treats.

I give in to temptation far to easily aswell, something i need to work on.

OP posts:
Heracles · 01/11/2010 01:00

Don't eat the cake? A crazy plan, perhaps, but I feel that might just work...

onmyfeet · 01/11/2010 02:04

You need to talk with him and make it clear. I sent dh mixed messages, always asking if he had any chocolate. My dh was the same, finally I talked with him, and explained I have no will power, none, I will eat sweets I do not even like if they are in the house, and please do not sabotage me with kindness. I explained even though I will moan about dying for ice-cream, I don't want to eat it. I asked if he would supply me with heroin if I was trying to kick an addiction. He understands finally and has even stopped buying salty snacks that I like, for same reason and is just buying us popcorn for snacks now. (he does the shopping usually).
I even stopped baking because I have no will power. I made cupcakes for Halloween, and have pigged out on them, am mad at myself now.
I hope you do not have Colieac disease!

Chil1234 · 01/11/2010 06:48

Start afresh. Rather than adopting yet another weekly 'fad diet' (which don't work and can cause problems) decide - as a family - to eat better food, serve appropriate portion-sizes and take more exercise. If you decide it as a family that means your husband and your child are included in the project.

Then I'd suggest you plan healthy meals together as a team and make a menu. Think of activities everyone in the family can join in... a walk after supper, for example. If you have his agreement and if you plan things together like meals and exercise and he still carries on buying doughnuts then something else is going on.

You shouldn't have to have a medical problem like Coeliacs Disease in order to get support. Good luck

emptyshell · 01/11/2010 07:45

Hubby does it on occasions - I don't think he thinks to be honest. I think he's got the male two completely separate thought processes going on and they just don't link up (my step-dad's very good at this one as well)... "oh empty's on a diet - cool"... "oh empty's looking a bit down, I'll offer to get a takeaway in cos we're both too tired to cook."

I shifted over 3 stone last year (have put some of it back on over the personal hell of the last few months) - did it by us both arranging to meet after work at the gym (hubby's natural laziness to not walk up the hill from the bus stop cynically exploited there), and by meal planning/shamless abuse of the slow cooker. If food's there and cooked when we get in - we'll eat it for we are both lazy gits!

Trying to get back on the wagon after all the grief of recent months - I DID have to put my foot down quite heavily and say he had no choice but to back me on this one, and he has. He wants the same thing to be honest - I just have a heck of a lot more willpower than he does, and I'm not beating myself up about regaining the weight I did - sod it, if I found comfort in food with what we've gone through, it's better than the other stuff I might have done like resuming smoking or whatever!

As for the chocolate craving - I found having something like Options on hand DOES help knock the edge of it when it's not really a craving but just a niggle. When it's a real craving... sod it - a little bit does no harm, but a small bar, not a family sized slab!

The thing with the exercise as it was explained to me by the doctor (who, while shite with mental health, is pretty good with weight loss) is that it probably won't work in the short term because you need to build up a level of fitness to the point where you're fit enough to START to really burn calories with it. Takes a while for that to start kicking in but when it does - then it works.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/11/2010 08:09

perhaps he is insecure and fears that if you lose weight you will become more attractive to shallow men and might leave him?

At the end of the day though, unless he is pinning you down and shoving cake into your gob, you have a choice. Say no. Don't stay fat so you don't hurt your husband's feelings, that's bloody nuts!

Talk to him about your health. Tell him you are worried about having a heart attack and dying! And that you are worried about type 2 diabetes and strokes and wear and tear on your joints, tell him that it hurts you to walk, that you want to be able to have a better life! To be able to run around with the kids all day.

In short, really break down the health benefits rather than the losing weight to look better aspect.

If he loves you, your health will be his primary concern!

Original poster
OTTMummA · 01/11/2010 09:26

I already had Gestational diabetes HQOW, he did really well trying to help me, i just think he likes to see me happy, and i am happy when im eating, im addicted - onmyfeet i could of written that post!
I moan about not having the certain food i want at that moment in time and he ends up trying to please me with other junk.

I have no will power, non, not an iota. Sad

But i love cooking, so are there any good books out there that have tasty but healthy meals that someone can recommend.
I can't stand bland meals, but my DH is the type who could eat pie and mash all week long and still not get fed up.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 01/11/2010 09:29

I agree with hecate. Buying you sugary stuff when you have said you are planning to diet isn't a nice thing to do and does make it sound as though he doesn't want you to lose weight either because he's worried you'll be more attractive to other men, or that he gets a perverse enjoyment out of seeing you have no will power and eating calorie laden stuff after saying you wouldn't.
I don't see calorie laden stuff as treats so this wouldn't work with me.
Talk to him about it, but then find a sensible diet, ignore any thoughtless temptations he buys you and find non calorie laden treats.

2rebecca · 01/11/2010 09:34

If you're moaning that you can't eat sticky buns then him buying you a sticky bun doesn't seem that mailicious. You didn't say you spent all your time on a diet moaning. That would annoy me in a spouse and I'd be tempted to say "either have a sticky bun or shut up about them!"
Go to the library re healthy eating books. Our library has loads. It's easy to do low fat healthy food. A chicken curry with vegetable curry and brown rice or home made chapattis can be healthy if you keep the amount of oil down.

seasalt · 01/11/2010 09:36

Just say "thank you I will have that later" and then throw it in the bin when he's not looking!

Original poster
OTTMummA · 01/11/2010 09:40

I don't moan constantly, but yes i guess that must be annoying.
I think im going to have to be more assertive, and cook meals that appeal to me aswell.
I just cook what he's used to 5/7 days a week, and i don't have it, just end up eating bowls of sugary cereal or toasted cheese sandwiches and chocolate Blush

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 01/11/2010 09:43

"are there any good books out there that have tasty but healthy meals that someone can recommend."

You can adapt many of your favourite dishes and any cookbook to be better on your waistline if you do a few simple things

  • use less oil and fat than in the recipe. Teaspoons not tablespoons of oil/butter. Skimmed milk rather than full-cream etc.
  • use less meat and cheese than in the recipe and bulk out the dish with more vegetables instead
  • Serve yourself a smaller portion than normal... and bulk out your plate with more veggies.
  • Use less salt and flavour the dish with herbs and spices (this helps reduce fluid retention)
2rebecca · 01/11/2010 09:47

That sounds strange. I would never cook a meal I didn't like. My husband is fussier than me so I avoid certain foods I like and he doesn't, but if he wanted to eat something I didn't like he'd have to cook it.
I've never done special children's meals either.
Generally if I fancy something I cook it and everyone else just eats it. My husband can cook though so he takes control some evenings.