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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think they could have invited us too?

33 replies

sims2fan · 31/10/2010 16:26

I'm a little bit annoyed, because I have had a boring weekend, just like all my weekends tend to be, have no plans for tonight, and have just been on Facebook where my SIL's status talks about her having a party tonight, and she is looking forward to having nice food and seeing 'family.' Now her family consists of her parents, a sister and a brother (who is married to me). As far as I know my husband hasn't been invited, so probably my other SIL and PIL are going, and just not us. We get on well with both my husband's sisters, so it's not like we are hated (I hope!!). I just think she hasn't thought to invite us, which actually I think is pretty rude if she is then going to talk about it on Facebook! It's not the first time this kind of thing has happened. She'll talk on FB about how she had a great time shopping with her mum and sis, and I read it and feel a bit down, thinking, 'why couldn't she ask me along sometimes?' I know I'm not actually her sis, so I don't expect her to include me in absolutely everything, but some of the time would be nice. I'm not one to invite myself to things, and I'm also not one to say anything about how I felt left out. The one time I did actually contact her to say I was within a few minutes of her house and could I pop in to see her she replied that her sis and mum were coming over and they were going out for lunch, but if I was still around in a couple of hours maybe I could see her then. No invite for me to join them for lunch!

So, AIBU, or what? I know obviously that she's entitled to invite whoever she likes over to parties, but I know that if it was me and I was not inviting a member of my family, but was inviting the rest, then I wouldn't mention the party on FB where I am friends wth the person I am not inviting!!

OP posts:

ForMashGetSmash · 31/10/2010 16:32

Well it's hard but yabu. She doesn't have to invite anyone she doesn;t want to invite...sounds a bit mean to me though. If I had a SIL who wanted to be friends I would be chuffed...why don't you organise something one day? A lunch or whatever and ask SIL and PIL?

ilovesooty · 31/10/2010 16:33

"I'm also not one to say anything about how I felt left out."

I'd say perhaps she won't know how you feel and things won't change until you do tell her.

Natural to feel as you do but this situation won't alter until you either decide it doesn't matter or express your feelings more openly.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/10/2010 16:39

Perhaps it's her DH's family who are going around? I know I often don't invite both sides to the one event, as it always seems like you're forcing them on each other!

I do have to say though, that when I get together with my sisters' it never ever crosses my mind to invite any of my SILs!! So perhaos it's not that she's blanking you - it's just she wants time with her sister & mum & doesn't think of you (or anyone else so don't take it personally)!

juneybean · 31/10/2010 16:40

YABU you need to get Sims 3 :)

Original poster

sims2fan · 31/10/2010 16:45

Her husband's family will def not be there as they live in another country. I understand she might want time with her mum and sis, but she is at her mum's, or her mum's at hers, at least 3 times a week, and also sees her sis at least once a week also, and there have also been 2 FB statuses this week saying something like 'had a lovely day today with mum and sis.' So it's not like she doesn't see them often. I mean it's not really a big deal, I just feel a bit unliked, though that's probably more my own self esteem issues than her problem! Lol

OP posts:

phipps · 31/10/2010 16:46

YABU. As for not posting on facebook in case someone she knows but hasn't invited sees that is is just daft.

Do you ever ask her to anything?

AuraofDora · 31/10/2010 16:50

maybe organise and invite them all over to you once in a while, then her get togethers might include you guys?

i do loathe faceboak, why not ignore that too for a while ..

fluffles · 31/10/2010 16:51

you need to be a bit more upfront if you want to form a closer relationship with your SIL.. if you really want to then next time you see them at a family thing or they mention something then say 'why don't the four of us go to lunch sometime?' it's easy.. not pushy or embarassing.. but i think that she doesn't think of you as she does the family she grew up with so you need to take the initiative if you want to spend more time with them.

Original poster

sims2fan · 31/10/2010 16:52

Obviously there are going to be people on FB that she knows but hasn't invited, but she has stated that her 'family' are coming. She has a small family - only parents, sister and 1 brother. Her brother has not been invited, so I am assuming the rest of her family has. Therefore, only one member of her small family has been excluded (plus me, his wife), so yes I think it is a bit mean to put it on FB where the only members of the family not to have invites will see it. If I am doing something that I am inviting my husband's parents and other sister to, then of course I will invite her too.

OP posts:

FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/10/2010 17:00

I would post in reply "Hope you guys have fun - make sure & take plenty of pix"

You're not being rude or cheeky, but you're letting her know that you know a party is happening :)

ilovesooty · 31/10/2010 17:04

"yes I think it is a bit mean to put it on FB where the only members of the family not to have invites will see it."

It's "mean" if you think it's deliberate. Do you?

phipps · 31/10/2010 17:10

She obviously put family as it was quicker rather than naming people.

NanaNina · 31/10/2010 17:14

i don't think you are being unreasonable. You are hurt by feeling left out - and this is called being human! Sounds like she only has time for her mom and sister and this is often the way.

You could maybe put something on facebook - I like Fairharied's idea, or something similar "ooh family party but not us - is it something we said! (sorry not very good idea,) but I would certainly think of something light hearted that can't be misconstrued but to let her know that you have seen her post. Might just jolt her conscience. What does your H think about it - surely he could ask a more direct question like "how come family does not include me and sims2 fan"

ClarasMummy · 31/10/2010 17:26

juneybean "YABU you need to get Sims 3"

Agree with this! It's getting me through my otherwise depressing and lonely Halloween.

I agree also that you should put some sort of message on her FB just letting her know that you know there is a party and that you've not been invited and maybe she could invite you next time?

hocuspontas · 31/10/2010 17:30

What about she is doing absolutely nothing but just likes 'friends' to think she's busy?

SE13Mummy · 31/10/2010 17:31

It is hard feeling excluded from wider family events but IME it's one of those things that sometimes just has to be accepted. I have two brothers and my DH has two sisters. Whilst I've always been close to my brothers DH hasn't got much (except his parents) in common with his sisters.

DH's sisters regularly meet up, holiday together and make arrangements to do things with MiL. Meanwhile the SiL who is married to one of my brothers has a sister of her own so does lots with her or else seems to spend an awful lot of time organising 'family' meet ups for my two brothers and their offspring.

I don't think any of them do it deliberately to exclude me/DH but it often feels deliberate. Oh, and SiL who is married to my brother also does the FB updates about family times too - we're not 'friends' on FB because I dislike the way she and my brother use it as a weapon but her privacy settings are non-existent which is how I know.

My approach is to do my best to put the energy I use feeling hurt to better use e.g. directly contacting a SiL (or three!) and asking if they fancy meeting up somewhere but making it just me, DH and our DCs rather than feeding into the 'whole family but leaving some out'. That way round the time spent together is more enjoyable than cousins only ever seeing each other whilst also having to be grandchildren and we adults can all be adults instead of some of them fulfilling the role of youngest/oldest/middle child.

I'd steer clear of retaliating on FB unless it's to say something along the lines of..."I've sent you a message about an idea/possible get together... let me know what you think!". Vaguely related but not sulky or juvenile.

pigletmania · 31/10/2010 17:53

I would put under her status, 'sounds great, right I am coming round then'!

Earlybird · 31/10/2010 18:04

What does your dh think? Is he upset/annoyed?

ilovesooty · 31/10/2010 18:04

I really wouldn't faff around on FB. Why not just talk to her?

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 31/10/2010 18:07

If you want to be included then maybe you could start organising some get togethers yourself. Invte them all shopping or to sunday lunch next week.

phipps · 31/10/2010 18:07

I was going to put what pigletmania said .

onceamai · 31/10/2010 19:07

I'm not sure if you are being unreasonable but when was the last time you invited her to lunch/dinner/get together at your place? There has to be some reciprocity in relationships for them to develop. Perhaps there is but this isn't clear.

maddy68 · 31/10/2010 19:26

Yabu. I don't invite my brother and sill to general parties and get togethers either not because I don't like them but because they are not in our circle of friends. My cousin however is invited as she is a very close friend as well as a relative.
I think you are being over sensitive and you need to make some friends of your own. Have you considered a night class or something to meet new people?

deedee321 · 31/10/2010 21:22

I think huge no-no to putting any message like that on her facebook page unless your aim is to totally irritate her. Is hardly going to make her want to include you if you make annoying comments like that, plus her friends will see it and doubtless think it is silly too and that there is an awkward 'situation' going on that probably isn't really. I totally agree just suggesting some social get-togethers the best idea, not sounding resentful about time she chooses to spend with her own family.

lola0109 · 31/10/2010 21:34

I had this situation with my SIL's mostly when I was pregnant with DD1. They would go out together with partners and not invite DP and I. I wasn't overly bothered as I realise they are sisters (I have 2 of my own). But there was one occasion that MIL, SIL's and partners went to a charity night and we weren't asked. I was upset for DP as he did feel kind of left out. He gets on really well with the partners and they often go out drinking together so why weren't we invited.

Anyway, i would try not let it bother you, next time you see her just say "oh did you have a nice time that day". But other than organising your own events then there is really nothing you can do about it.

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