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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Arghh new mum and dad to be who want to do it their way!!

34 replies

looblee · 31/10/2010 08:24

I love my friends but they've got a baby and keep TELLING us what to do when our baby arrives and worse how we are going to feel.

Buy this don't but that, do this, dont do that, DONT under any circumstances FIND OUT THE SEX!! we have and we arent telling them because obviously they don't want to know, but WE DO!

Can we do this our way I wonder??

We'd like to have our own opinion, find things out for ourselves, they think they are being kind by passing on their knowledge but its never a chat or discussion it feels more like a lecture that makes me in particular feel a bit stupid. The thing is they are doing to us exactly what they moan to us that other people did and still do to them.

Not sure if this is just a moan or if I want to do something about it!

OP posts:

BoysAreLikeDogs · 31/10/2010 08:30

stab them

seriously, if you know the sex then make it known to your circle of mates, nod at their pearls of wisdom, say things like that's interesting, try to divert the convo

How old is their baby?

They are trying to be kind

You could always be blunt and say oi quit the lecturing, we no likey

savoycabbage · 31/10/2010 08:33

I really think that the best thing about having a baby is doing it your own way. My best friend is having a baby quite late in her life and she says that she is going batty with everyone telling her what to do.

I was dying to tell her to buy baby bjorn plates but I resisted......

My Mam said to me, well so much has changed since I had a baby, research, knowledge and so on and I use that a bit as a line.

When I had my dd now 7 they told us to give her a bath every other day in plain water.

When My sister had her baby now 5 they told her not to bathe her at all unless she thought it was really necessary.

When I had dd2 now 4 they gave her a bath in the hospital.

People are always telling you things but you should of course do what you want with your own baby. That is part of the fun.

GibbonWithAnAppleBobbingBibOn · 31/10/2010 08:34

smile and nod, smile and nod.

AlpinePony · 31/10/2010 08:34

Welcome to Pregnancy! The world and his dog now has a vocal opinion on how it should proceed.

You can now look forward to lectures about how to put on a nappy, how to feed the baby, "routines", what to eat/wear/do. Once you've actually had the baby you can look forward to criticisms about your nursery - or lack of it, criticisms about your day-to-day life.

I believe once the early years are over you can look forward to criticism about how late your children stay out, what they're doing at school, what you let them wear etc., etc.

tribpot · 31/10/2010 08:37

This is no criticism of you or your friends, but the worst combination is parents-to-be and new parents. (Of course I have been both in my time!)

They want to help, but are least able to be attuned to the fact you want to do your own thing. Equally you are least able to be attuned to how their help might be useful, because you aren't in their shoes but too close to those shoes, if you see what I mean.

Basically this a penguins-from-Madagascar moment: "smile and wave, boys, smile and wave". Let them tell you, then do what you were going to do anyway. They do genuinely mean for the best.

Squitten · 31/10/2010 08:39

Agree with Alpine Pony - it's never ending! You just have to smile and say "mmmmm" a lot (unless you want to just tell them to shut up, which might be awkward... )

I'm about to have DC2 and I am STILL being told what to do, despite having done it once already!

redflag · 31/10/2010 08:44

Oh everyone knows better than you!

Baby should be allowed chocolate a 3 months, bit of brandy will help it sleep Its child abuse to not allow them mcdonalds.
It goes on and on and on, gets worse if anything. Like others have said just smile and nod.

saffy85 · 31/10/2010 08:44

OH has a friend who's DS is 2 months older than our DD. Oh. My. God. I have been tempted to batter this friend to death with my unused breast pump, due to the unrelenting advice from this guy who was now a total expert in all things babies. Literally. He knew/knows everything and has an opinion on everything, from how easy BF is, to what pram to buy, to getting our baby baptised.

I am soooo glad that I no longer have anything to do with him now! (He owes OH alot of money and is unsurprisingly keeping his opinions to himself right now. Oh and avoiding us like the plague.)

Chil1234 · 31/10/2010 08:49

I think you have to nip this in the bud if you want to remain friends. If they've already got a baby and yours is always a year or two behind then they'll drive you nuts with unwanted advice. Pregnancy, feeding, sleeping, 'developmental milestones' (theirs will always have been ahead), school etc.. etc.

So be assertive now and save yourself a lot of grief down the track. The phrase you want is 'when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it .. but in the meantime, I don't want it'

thesecondcoming · 31/10/2010 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 31/10/2010 09:21

I think that now is the time to start airing your own opinions to this couple. I'd start with the fact that you have found out the sex of your baby. Don't keep it a secret from them that you know, as it is your baby and your right to have that information if you want it. I would tell them that I knew what I was having (you don't have to tell them the sex if they like surprises). It sends home the message that you will do what you want regardless of their opinion on the subject.

When they give advice, if you have a different opinion, then say 'we have decided to do x' (in a polite,friendly way because these people are your friends). Once the baby is born say things like 'we have found that x works better for us than y (thier suggestion)'. They will soon get the point that you know what you want to do.

I would still listen to what they say and not automatically rule it out, as they may suggest things that help you in the future.

arses · 31/10/2010 09:36

I think you are overreacting, to be honest.

Most of our friends had babies before us so we had a lot of this. It's not about you. They just want to talk about what they did and don't really care what you do or don't do. If they say "don't find out the sex" just say "we have". They will quickly shut up about it.

In terms of general advice, we asked lots of questions. We followed the advice of another friend: it's easy to think you know what you're doing when you don't have a baby but if someone is telling you x or y or z, ask them everything about it because you really don't know how things will go and when you might need to know who to call to find out more info about that particular aspect of parenting. You don't have to do what they say because you hear them out!

If they are rude (e.g. laughing if you say you want to do x), tell them so. However, if really they're just dressing up telling you their story as advice, hear them out. You never know when you might need it..

And.. you will be the ones doing night-time parenting/feeding your baby/clothing your baby/transporting your baby, so no amount of listening to advice is going to stop you going your own way. Listening to what they say is not going to make them the parent of your new baby! They won't be there at 4am!

arses · 31/10/2010 09:41

Also, one of the reasons people tell you how you may feel is that they found it a shock and wish someone had told them. The best bit of information anyone ever gave me was that I might not feel tremendous love for my baby in the first few weeks and might even wonder why the hell I'd ever done it! In the end, I didn't need this advice for long.. but given my rose-coloured view of new parenthood pre-baby, these were potentially sanity-saving words of wisdom. Pre-baby, I used to find this stuff frightening - it's true! - but learning that your feelings will be all over the place and that you may feel very conflicted and overwhelmed is essential IMO. You may not feel this at all, but if you do, it is very likely that you may be glad that someone shared their experience with you and that it is something that will pass.

Original poster

looblee · 31/10/2010 11:59

Thanks everyone. A good, more fun chat/discussion with another friend with baby, has put me in a better frame of mind about this today she said the same thing as you TIBPOT bad combinatio of very new parents and nearly parents is a bad one!!

ARSES I am listening to their every word and sucking up all the information. But it just it gets a bit much sometimes. DH in particular doesn't like being told how he will feel, these friends had a particularly bad time of it after giving birth, I am a firm believer that whilst its good to know the bad as well as good, not everyone will feel the same so whilst I know its not all plain sailing I don't need to hear horror story after horror story.

I like your ideas THESECONDCOMING will definately try some next time, its a nice lighthearted approach to it with an undertone of enough now! Thanks.

OP posts:

TethHearseEnd · 31/10/2010 12:07

The worst thing is, in 12 months' time you will find yourself doing it to expectant parents and you won't be able to stop

MadAboutQuavers · 31/10/2010 12:19

Just respond with "well, i'm sure we'll figure it out for ourselves/find our own way with it" and smile sweetly

Alternatively, I like boysarelikedogs first suggestion

Anniegetyourgun · 31/10/2010 12:27

The thing that often comes as a shock to know-it-all parents is when they have a second child and it's quite different from the first. They have to unlearn everything they thought they knew and had been busy imparting to everyone around them for the last couple of years.

Look forward to this moment.

WitchyFlisspaps · 31/10/2010 13:12

DH does this

He means well and is genuinely trying to be helpful but I remember how I felt with everyone giving me 'advice' when I was pregnant with DD

MrsC2010 · 31/10/2010 13:19

My friend doesn't yet have children but still tries to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing with DD (3 months).

QuintessentialShadows · 31/10/2010 13:22

I think the best thing to do in your shoes, is to look upon this as them sharing, and you as friends listening. Having a baby is a very new thing to them, too, and I bet they are happy to have somebody to talk to about it, who might have time to listen and who might actually take on board at least some of what they are saying.

I doubt their main idea is to teach you, but to share their experience.

On the topic, the worst piece of advice WE listened to was to not buy sterilizing equipment and bottles, and to not have any formula in the house, because we were adamant that our baby was to be 110% breastfed. I spent half an hour in the car with a screaming newborn next to me as dh popped out to buy the above items in Motehercare on the way back from the hospital.

hairytriangle · 31/10/2010 13:33

Oh God, my HR Manager and PA is like this and I'm only nine weeks pregnant.

"antenatal appointments are Tuesday afternoons at your surgery"

"You'll be needing a sterilizer" (nope, I DON'T intend to sterilize my breasts)

"You can't eat nuts you know" (loved responding "actually, I can, the guidelines have changed")

She even text me the week she was on holiday saying "went to docs this afternoon as have bad cough, expected to see you at antenatal".

kickassangel · 31/10/2010 13:36

if they had a bad time, they're almost using you as therapy to get over it. of course, if you tell them that not everyone feels like that, it will make them feel like they failed (which will be part of their problem anyway)

dh & i used to have little chats where we went through what other people told us & said which bits we agreed with. we were both quietly confident that dd would be a good sleeper, cos we both were as babies, but we never once told anyone else that, ever, cos we just knew we'd get a tide of 'oh, no, you'll be exhausted'. but we were right!

so, i think with these friends you have to accept that they are going to be like this because of their problems, but privately agree that you'll have a much better time.

WriterofDreams · 31/10/2010 13:37

I sympathise completely and I would react the same way as you but I would agree with the posters like arses who say that really the advice givers don't care whether you follow their advice or not, they're more interested in telling their own story when it comes down to it.

To be fair I think people love getting advice or hate it. I'm part of the hating bunch and I let people know this pretty clearly. As a result anyone who knows me well knows not to give advice unless I specifically ask for it. My sister on the other hand can't buy lipstick without ringing my mum and three of her friends (that's not exaggeration). So she would probably love all the advice and be offended if it wasn't offered. For the most part it's best to just nod and smile, but for very close friends I just let them know in as polite a way as possible that I don't want to hear about it.

FindingMymOOOOOOOOjo · 31/10/2010 14:59

It can be neverending depending on the personality of the friends. But there is lots to learn from other people - I always asked my friends/colleagues etc "What's your TOP TIP?" for a baby (or for a one year old, etc) and have gathered some great advice. I don't take it all on board, but I'd rather find out about weaning products (for example) from friends who have actually used them, than from a magazine article paid to write abouts products XY&Z.

thesecondcoming · 31/10/2010 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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