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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby kicking - DH not excited/interested/proud

39 replies

ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 19:32

AIBU to expect DH to be at least a little bit excited/interested/proud to feel our first child kicking? (I'm 24 weeks and yesterday asked him to feel the baby kick as he never touches my bump. He says he finds my pregnant body 'offputting'.) It was a milestone that I was looking forward to and thought it would make him happy.

He felt it kick once and without so much as a smile went off to stroke the cat.

I got really upset. Feel like he's not interested. He's still not speaking to me as he says that I'm being overly critical. It just makes me feel so low and lonely.

AIB all pregnant and U?

OP posts:
Rosieeo · 30/10/2010 19:36

YANBU. He's being very insensitive, although I have heard of lots of men who don't want to touch bumps, feel the baby move or bump uglies when their wife's pregnant. Doesn't make you feel great though, I imagine :(

BubbleBobble · 30/10/2010 19:36

YANBU. Unfortunately, it's likely there's nothing you can do to change his attitude, either. :(

My DH was like this while I was pregnant (although, it wasn't anything to do with not liking how my body was). He just wasn't that interested in feeling the baby move and I admit, it felt like a horrible rejection at the time. I talked to him about it and he said it was because he felt like everything was about the baby.

Our DS is 6 months old now and my DH is a better parent than I am! Grin Just because yours is like this now, doesn't mean he won't bond with the baby.

Faaamily · 30/10/2010 19:36

Off putting? What an arsehole.

winnybella · 30/10/2010 19:36

Well, he is a twat for saying that he finds your pg body 'offputting'.

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 19:37

If we get that far. Feeling so rejected.

OP posts:
PortoFangO · 30/10/2010 19:40

My dh was never that interested in feeling kicks and stuff. He has always been a fantastic, hands on dad though and totally dotes on dd. I'd be more upset about the "offputting" thing.

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 19:42

I was very upset by the 'off putting' comment. To my shame, I went and bought new pyjamas to hide in.

OP posts:
Deanna1977 · 30/10/2010 19:44

My DH didn't like feeling our last DS move. He's the same with my current pregancy. Its just something I have come to accept.It did hurt a bit at first but that's just the way he is. He is the best Dad in the world though! (Currently putting DS to bed..).

Agree with Winnybella that he's a twat for saying that he finds your body offputting - that's just not on..

sue52 · 30/10/2010 19:45

YANBU. If my DH had said that, I would have made him suffer for years.

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 19:49

He said that he didn't know he was supposed to be excited about it. Really panicking that he's never going to talk to me again for getting upset about it. He's shut himself in the spare room.

OP posts:
megapixels · 30/10/2010 19:53

He is a pig for saying your body is offputting Angry. YANBU to be upset. I suppose you are a teeny bit U to expect him to be as excited as you are. I don't think it's as real to men as it is to us women. I could't understand why dh wasn't excited to see the scan pictures of our PFB, but he was very very excited when she was born.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/10/2010 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 19:58

Hi Shine. Usually lovely and very affectionate but since I got preg he's been tense. Can't stop smoking (which we argue about). He doesn't bring up the topic of the baby. I'm worried about things. He does have a child from a previous relationship. The mother walked out on him with the baby when she was eight weeks old and took her to live on the other side of the world. I'm fearful that my preg while exciting for me is reliving painful times for him.

OP posts:
SarfEasticated · 30/10/2010 19:58

Sounds like he is feeling like 'his' wife's body is being taken over by an entity that is getting more attention than he is.
Did he mean to be horrible when he said 'off-putting' or was he just being 'honest' in a highly insensitive way.

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 20:00

Hi Sarf. Honest yet insensitive. I had asked him why he didn't touch my bump.

OP posts:
Ryuk · 30/10/2010 20:00

Wait, his response to you being upset is to shut himself in the spare room?

Um.

He's a sulking, immature twat. Or at least is behaving like one.

Ryuk · 30/10/2010 20:02

Ok, cross-posted with your later posts - if he's had a bad experience in the past then I can understand how that might be making things harder for him. But even so, he needs to get over it.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/10/2010 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 20:03

Hi Ryuk. He says that I'm being overly critical and getting at him.

OP posts:
sungirltan · 30/10/2010 20:03

thats a shame. dh need alot of encouragement at first but he talked and poked and sang to the bump

Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 20:04

Will do a few things round the house and then see if he'll talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShirtyGerty · 30/10/2010 20:05

Hi Sungirl. The thing is, DH has a lovely deep voice and when he talks for a while the baby always wriggles. I'm sure its responding to him.

OP posts:
RedHeels · 30/10/2010 20:16

Arrange an evening out with your friends, let him see you getting ready - put your make up (if you like), wear something tight to accentuate your bump, put your heels on (if you can or at least put them on before you leave and then change into flats) and push up your breasts and off you go. Then drip feed him the info how you were taken aback with men being all over you and how they found your bump sexy because you thought all men thought pregnant women were off putting.

That's a petty advice Grin but a) you will feel better after a night out, b) he might think twice about putting you down knowing there are other people who don't think his wife is off-putting. Dickhead. I beg you not to hide under frumpy clothes/ PJs, it will only make you feel like an unattractive blob. No matter how shit I feel I make an effort with my appearance because it makes ME feel better regardless whether I have a dick partner in tow or not.

OmniaParatus · 30/10/2010 20:17

I'm like BubbleBobble, DH was never interested in feeling our babies kick (now pg with no 3), and even said 'Is that it?' when I did ask him to feel DS kick.

He is a wonderful dad now, just couldn't bond with the bump.

However, saying he finds your body offputting is completely out of order. If my DH had ever said that it would be me putting him in the spare room.

Is there any possibility he has gone away because he is ashamed of what he said, or because he can't handle his feelings given his previous experiences?

I hope you can talk to him, make it clear you can understand if he has trouble being as excited as you, but the way he spoke to you was utterly unacceptable when you are carrying his child.

RedHeels · 30/10/2010 20:17

Awwww, just read your last post about baby wriggling! Smile

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