To feel this is SIL's decision .

[elmofang]

DH's brother died two years ago & was cremated , we were told by his wife that his urn was going to be put in one of those wall memorial slots . My other Bil took his nephew(15yrs) out for a treat the other day & dn has told him that his dads ashes were never collected from the crematorium & that they keep writing letters to his mum asking her to collect them . Now all of DH's brothers & sisters are getting their backs up & are upset at this but although i understand that they feel this way ,i think that they should stay out of it .
BIL was not a very nice man & i am sure his wife has her own reasons for not collecting his ashes .

To a point I do agree.

But, for example I have a sister & I´m sure I don´t love her any less than her husband.

And if he hadn´t collected her ashes, I might think, well then why can´t I?

What Diddl said.

So well, that I can't say it any better

If she doesn't want them, and from what you've said I can see perhaps why she wouldn't, then why shouldn't his siblings have them instead?
Can't see the issue myself - it's not like they're going to force her to take the ashes into her home, is it? (that would obviously be wrong).

I don't have any experience of this, but I would think the same as you that it's up to his wife to collect his ashes.

But then I can see how difficult it would be for everyone else not having 'closure'.

I'm sure there's a way of bringing the subject up with her without upsetting her, two years seems a long time for nobody to see if she's OK and her reasons for not doing it.

Hmmm. On principle I agree with you elmo, but I think your SIL is being supremely unfair on the family. It's hard.

Tatty-how kind.

Or perhaps someone should ask if she would like them to do it for her?

And what about her son-it sounds as if he might be upset that they haven´t yet been collected.

Its a very difficult situation tbh - as far as i can see there was no love lost between Bil & his wife & that they mostly lived together for the sake of their dc's but led separate lives . I have always thought SIL was a saint to put up with her dh if im being honest but i also understand the rest of his siblings being upset by this .

Tough one, Elmo. I personally think it is SIL's decision, though can understand why it might be difficult for the other family members.

My father is an a-hole and I would rather have nothing to do with him, even upon his death, but in the absence of a will (and I highly doubt there is one) it will fall to me or one of my two siblings to deal with the body/ashes. I would rather not, but I would not leave them with the crematorium for two years, knowing his siblings would, while not liking the person he has become, want to remember the person he was.

While I do semi-understand your SIL's decision, I think she is being very selfish and should be thinking a little more about her children and her ILs.

I can see both sides , but without being disrespectful of the dead , he was a trouble maker & loved nothing better than to cause arguments & insult people . DH agrees with me that it is his wife's decision but i know he is also hurt by the fact that his brother does not have a final resting place iykwim.

I think someone should step in & offer tbh.

Does sil ever reply to any of the letters they keep writing?

If not, I imagine she has the final say and, hard though that is for the brothers, it is her right.

Perhaps she is waiting until her son is old enough to know the kind of man his father was and is leaving it until then, for him to decide what to do. I think the son has more right to them than the brothers

Considering what you said, I may understand her decision not to collect the ashes. But, what effect it is having on her children? Because if it is an issue for them, something has to be done about it. They also need closure.

Many years ago I helped a friend to search for his birth mother, who had passed away when he was a child. Eventually we found her, in an unmarked grave in a cemetery. My friend was so shaken by it that it took him years to recover and to salvage his relationship with his adoptive family who didn't provide for some more "respectful" burial after her death. (she was their maid, and apparently one that brought them a lot of heartache and headaches before abandoning her son with them)

Just a thought.

ummm, has no one ever tried to 'visit' were the urn was supposed to be?

it seems not or someone would have noticed already, so... if he has had no visitors in two years then i rather think that none of these 'non visitors' have the right to complain.... they cant be that bothered

taintedpaint .
Good point though - in that dh keeps telling me Bil was not always like the way i knew him to be .

As far as i know Sil ignores all the letters from the crematorium . Her eldest ds is 22yrs & she has a 20yr old dd & then the youngest ds is 15yrs.
mrsRhettkilled yes we tried to find the memorial wall last year & when dh rang sil telling her we could not find any name plaque for Bil she swore blind to us that he was there . She is not aware yet that her ds has told other Bil about his dads ashes.

oh

well in that case (if it was my brother) i would take over, the wife is obviously not interested

or at least ask the wife why

Her DS clearly knows about this and it is probably bothering him. It is a shame for the children. Whatever was going on with the parents, they lost their dad and a family lost their brother.

Someone should say to your SIL that is she doesn't want to get the ashes, which is up to her, then she should allow someone else to do it and then ask if there is somewhere that she wants them.

If it was my brother and his wife done this, I would not be happy about it at all.

Oh & Dh's sister rang the crematorium yesterday to ask if her brothers ashes were still there & although they took her name & phone number they told her that they could not discuss this matter with her .

Ultimately it is up to the wife,

however, if she does not want to sort it out for reasons of her own. Then maybe she needs to let someone else sort it.

could someone have a gentle word with her about it?

I think thats what the siblings are all debating ATM as to who is the one that should ask her , but no-one wants to upset her at the same time . Very awkward .

Its been 2 years. Its affecting her children. Someone needs to say it to her. She can't sweep it under tha carpet forever.

I agree. There's no love lost between my BIL and me, but if he died I'd want something to happen to his final remains. I don't think she should deal with the remains if she doesn't want to, but if another family member wants to they should be able to. IMVHO. :)

She should either collect them or allow someone else to. I understand why she might not want to - but he is not her property, he is their brother and they have a right to see him 'at rest'. One of them just needs to 'man up' to the job of telling her.

Thanks to all who replied

Its been an unsettling few days tbh with dh's siblings phoning each other to argue the toss as to weather they should confront Sil about this . Some of the stories ive heard about Bil's antics makes me feel that Sil is leaving his ashes there as a "feck you" sort of statement , and if the crematorium would not discuss the issue with dh's sister on the phone then there must be some sort of legal issue's to sort out .