To think if I feel socially uncomfortable with some people it might be 'them' not 'me'?

[NorhamGardens]

Not putting it well but sometimes if I talk to someone I have a social connection with at a party or somewhere I start to feel very self critical in my head. Is it possible it might be my gut telling me this person isn't someone I should bother with/is a toxic? Does anyone else feel like this?

Previously I've beaten myself up about it and assumed that I must have a problem as others don't feel that way.

To give an example there is a Mum at the school who appears to be broadly liked and respected, a high status individual if you like. I've noticed that a few fawn around her for some reason, e.g 'you always look so beautiful, I always feel like a total wreck next to you' etc. We met at a party recently and she made a few comments that seemed fine on the surface but left me feeling slightly disturbed and uncomfortable afterwards.
She asked why I always looked so well put together and groomed but I got the feeling it was a criticism rather than a compliment. I am not overly sensitive but it made me seriously doubt myself and lead me to question myself, it seemed she was saying I was trying to show off in some way and others, more confident, wouldn't bother?

There were a few other remarks like this and I felt quite uncomfortable.

YABU... If you feel 'self-critical in your head' then the source is yourself. If you're in the habit of looking for hidden meanings in compliments rather than taking them at face-value chances are this is your own insecurity at work. Confident, assured people take compliments as self-affirmation, not as a source for self-doubt.

Practice saying 'thank you' if someone pays you a compliment in future, take it at face-value and leave hidden meanings to the compliers of cryptic crosswords.

It's instinct...I have it too and am often correct. Not everyone has this feeling about others and sometimes they're blinded by glamour or surface sheen...BUT I would also say that sometimes seeing some of ourselves in another person can cause us to dislike them...they may have characcteristics which we also have but which aren't great.

There is a woman at my DD's school and I disliked her as soon as I met her...why? I couldn't say...she was also very groomed and attractive...a coupl of weeks into term having avoided her carefully, she sought me out to ask something about or DCs homework, she catted generally and made me laug so hard that I was taken aback!

This smart, fashionable woman was also VERY witty and bright....I don't know if I didn't like her because she was so attractve...or if it was because she is very astute....but at least I know her for what she is now! I suggest giving this woman another chance...

Laugh not laug!

yanbu - some people are actually not very nice.

if you get on with most people don't worry about the few who make you feel bad. (Though always consider the possibility that actually they are shy and awkward and are struggling to say the right thing and keep screwing up.)

I've known this woman for quite a while. It's not that I'm intimidated by her, there are others who are outwardly similar that I feel at ease with.

I don't get this feeling with every social encounter. There are many people that don't cause me a moments doubt. A compliment in passing is always nice, of course and I would accept with good grace.

It's just a feeling I get with a few, that doesn't seem to have an obvious source. This woman's compliments felt like anything but for some reason.

IMO if someone makes you feel bad/ uncomfortable whatever, don't bother with them.

I used to have someone like this in my life and I realised I always felt bad about myself when I had spent time with her - even though on the surface she was always very friendly with me. She would manage to get in some very subtle put-downs. I think that people like this are often insecure themselves.

I have no idea if this is relevant to you, but I posted elsewhere and got a reply that mentioned empaths. I'd never heard the word before, but google it and see if applies to you. Makes interesting reading.

If someone said that i looked 'well put together and groomed', I'd probably give them a wide berth. Unless I was a My Little Pony.

I don't think 'why do you always look well groomed etc' is a compliment.

If she has fawned 'Oh you look so well put together all the time' it would be.

Subtle difference... it's the why that does it.

Quiddity, read up on empaths. Very interesting and a lot rang true. I've often thought I can sense what a person really thinks about a situation or other person etc. Sounds very obvious and I always used to think this was something everyone could do accurately.

Burgit, they didn't use those words exactly but that's what they were driving at.

Well If someone said that i looked 'well put together and groomed',I'd know they were taking the piss.

Marsha they said something like 'I've noticed you always have make up on and look well dressed. I've noticed X does too but there's a reason X does this, she was a geeky teenager. Don't you think she's incredibly beautiful too? I've never seen you look a mess, Norham'.

I then mutter something about sometimes looking a mess and feel uncomfortable.

Well since she was comparing, she missed out the 'and you are beautiful too' .

I would have been like umm ok, sure, yeh, ok, too whatever I think.

Why do you need to blame someone? You don't like her or she doesn't like you. Not a question of it being anyone's fault.

Is it possible this woman senses you have reservations about her, and so is trying a bit of flattery to ingratiate herself with you. In other words, she may be the one really lacking social confidence.

LittleRed, it's not I need to blame me or her. It's broader than that, as in OP, and this was just an example.

But why are you bothered? Why do you want to attribute blame? I don't understand that impulse really.

Hmm, I suppose I am sensitive to interactions with some people in social settings. Some, whom others seem to universally like, I feel uncomfortable with. This has made me angry with myself in the past.

Guess it boils down to the fact that it's ok to avoid people who make you feel uncomfortable. Not always possible though.

I find I have strong instant reactions to people. Even if they're outwardly nice or friendly I don't always warm to them. At times I've given myself a mental slap and said give them a chance but I've actually found that I'm usually right. Equally I sometimes have an instant liking for people, almost a "falling in love" sensation where I immediately click with someone. Again this reaction usually lasts. I think some people are very tuned into others and can get a feel for them very quickly. Perhaps you're just one of those. I was quite hard on myself for a time as I felt I was too quick to judge but now I trust my instict. It's usually right!

Sorry instinct

Yes, I recognise the sense of 'falling in love' you mention WriterofDreams.

I find that people I don't get good feelings from, even though they seem outwardly nice, can make me feel very uncomfortable. If I sense they are not all they seem etc there's a sort of negative angst that I can feel inside which is draining and unpleasant. Sounds dramatic but maybe you know what I mean?

Equally someone can be a bit direct, quirky, some might even say awkward and rude and I get an incredibly good feeling about them and they eventually become a friend.

Norham, it's fine to avoid people who make you uncomfortable. It is not fine to pretend that it's 'them' not 'you',imo.

I just chat to people if I feel like it and see more of them if it's convenient and we get on and less of them if we don't get on.
Think I'm less prone to naval gazing than many folk. I think dividing people into good and bad is too simplistic, most people have some features I like and can relate to and some I don't.
Very few people make me feel uncomfortable, and if they do I just keep away from them.

I'm quite happy without many friends though and probably don't care that much if people like me or not, as usually people who don't like me are people I don't like much either so it makes life easier if we keep out of each other's way.

I believe it might be possible that some are adept at tuning in to other people very quickly and accurately.

They may sense that some are not 'good' people, not healthy for them to get to know, and feel very uncomfortable in the conversation and social scenario they are involved in. There may be nothing obvious, just an instinct, or there may be subtle put downs etc which all go towards building a negative picture.

When I've had these uncomfortable feelings I've just thought it was my own social inadequacy until recently. It's interesting that some others feel similarly.

Some people are stupidly competitive / or insecure and would like others to feel a bit crap. Others are not.

It can be good to recognise the former.

I actually think it is so easy to see the genuine compliments!