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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I will NEVER take this child out for the day again...

38 replies

harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 21:42

It's a long time since I ventured in this section, so deep breath...
I have been friends with a neighbour of mine since our children were about a year old; they are now 7. Her boy gets on well with my two dds, although they bicker like siblings/cousins because they know each other so well.

We tend to spend at least one afternoon a week together. In the holidays, I take her boy out for the day at least once, then we go to hers for tea.

Although with his parents his behaviour can be a little challenging, his behaviour with me is generally very good. However, the last couple of times that I have taken him out, he has been fine all day and then started complaining when he gets home. e.g. I took him to see The Princess and the Frog and treated him to sweets etc then when he arrived home he said he hated it, that it was a PG (it wasn't) and that he had been very very scared (he hadn't) and that it was a stupid girls' film Hmm

Today I had organised a music workshop with songs and dances and crafts and spent quite a bit of time getting it ready. I took him this morning, he enjoyed the workshop (lots of people there that he knew) - it was about 50/50 boys and girls. I then took him for lunch (which he enjoyed) and then to my house for a play and to watch a movie. I took him home about five.
When his mum asked if he had enjoyed himself he said no, it had been boring and he hadn't liked it, and he told me that he had only agreed to go because then he could get a sticker for his star chart for Christmas HmmHmm

I have to admit that I was hurt and upset about this. I laughed it off, though. His parents were a little embarrassed but tried to brush it off, saying well I am sure that he enjoyed it really.

The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get tbh. I have invited him here for a Halloween party on Sunday, and I am dreading if he says something rude then, I might get REALLY annoyed.
AIBU to be annoyed about this? Should I have said something to him, do you think?

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thisisyesterday · 28/10/2010 21:44

hmmm if he was younger i would have put it down to just being tired and grumpy... but at 7 i am not sure if that would sitll be an issue>

i think i would be tempted, if he does it again, to just say "well, that's fine X, we won't invite you to do anything else with us again then"
and don't!

if parents aren't there just say that he hasn't enjoyed it, repeat what he has said, and tell them that you won't take him out as he hasn't enjoyed the last x number of things you have done with him

SixtyFootGhooool · 28/10/2010 21:45

I wouldnt have laughed it off, I would have said something like 'Well I wont ask you next time''
He's old enough to know when he is being rude and upset someone.
His parents should have said something too.

If you dont want to invite him for Halloween then dont.

activate · 28/10/2010 21:47

7 year olds don't keep boredom silent well so I'm sure he did have a good time

but I would absolutely call him on it - as the others have said

PinkIceQueen · 28/10/2010 21:47

Agree with thisisyesterday, what an ungrateful child! Call his bluff, I bet he soon changes his tune ;)

peggotty · 28/10/2010 21:47

SOunds like he is attention seeking of his mother/parents, and it's unfortunately spilling over to you. Call his bluff, when he comes round for your halloween party ask him pointedly 'Now x, are you sure you want to come, you don't seem to have enjoyed the last few times we've had you round?'.

Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 21:47

I think that his motivation is that he doesn't want his parents to think he has had a good time - he wants them to feel guilty that they haven't looked after him.
which they do, kind of!

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RipMacWinkle · 28/10/2010 21:48

Did his parents say anything about his rudeness to you?

Surely, it's their place to let them know that his comments just aren't on? Or is this what 7 year olds are like??? (DS is only 4)

kidsncatsnwine · 28/10/2010 21:49

I'd tell him..as he steps over the threshold... if he says he is bored then it will be the last time he is invited!
He's old enough to know that he is being rude. I'd say it nicely but very clearly infront of his parents so that the message is clear.

I'd be very inclined to stop taking him out for a while anyway.. and if he/Mum asks, simply say that he kept saying he was bored so you thought it better to leave it.

I'm not very tolerant of rudeness mind!!!

leplan · 28/10/2010 21:50

What are his parents like do you think?

When I was younger my Dad was always complaining whenever he came home. even if he'd had a lovely time he would complain about the people, the food, how he could have done without it.

Actually DH is much the same Wink

Do you think he might hear this sort of thing a lot at home and just say it because he thinks that's the normal response or he's trying to be grown up?

Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 21:51

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it.
I thought I was overreacting a little, and taking it personally...
no, his parents didn't call him up on it, but they generally don't call him on this kind of behaviour tbh.
and no, it definitely isn't normal 7 year old behaviour!

OP posts:
Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 21:53

oh interesting leplan....
his mum is absolutely delightful, and his dad is very nice too. His dad is certainly very straight-talking. So it IS possible.
They are older parents, and he is an only child. I think sometimes they overthink their parenting a little. If that doesn't sound too judgy...

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Dansmommy · 28/10/2010 21:54

I agree with Peggotty actually...his issue is with his parents.

I'd ask him half way through the activity if he's having fun...if he says yes, remind him of that later if he changes his tune.

I'd be a little worried about the star chart comment though...are his parents bribing him to go out with you? Are they worried you'll be offended if he turns down an invitation?

RipMacWinkle · 28/10/2010 21:55

TBH I'd be giving him (and his parents) a wide berth then.

I'm with the poster above - can't be doing with rudeness at all.

Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 21:58

re the star chart thing:
his parents have instituted it because he wants lots of presents for Christmas, and they are bribing him with the star chart.
He decided this morning that he didn't want to come today (he was keen earlier in the week) and he thought (I imagine) that this was a way to get more stickers or whatever.
I don't think they are 'bribing him to go out with us' as a general rule Hmm
He likes the company of my children, and is generally pretty happy with the treats on offer....

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Mummy2Bookie · 28/10/2010 21:59

Sounds like a spoilt brat. Does he get everything his own way with mum and dad?

Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 22:05

thank you, I appreciate your points of view

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pigletmania · 28/10/2010 22:08

See how it goes for the halloeen party, and if its the same rude behaviour, than yes as others have said call his bluff. Tell him ok then, we won't invite you to any thing that we do and leave it at that. He is old enough to realise rude behaviour.

piscesmoon · 28/10/2010 22:18

I would just have a quiet word with him on his own. Tell him that you are quite happy to take him, but that if he doesn't want to go he is to say so beforehand and you won't take him but that you don't want to take him if he is going to complain afterwards. The next time ask him if he remembers your rule before you take him.

Dansmommy · 28/10/2010 22:19

No need for the Hmm it just seems odd that he got a star for going out for a treat! If he didn't want to go, they should have just said OK then, and kept him at home!

Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 22:21

I think they probably wanted a break Grin I think (know) they find parenting a single child very hard work.
sorry, I may be a bit bristly Blush I felt a little hurt, I must say

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Dansmommy · 28/10/2010 22:26

Yeah, I'd hasve been hurt too... but as the poster above said...he's probably just going through a 'brat' phrase.( I hate the term, but it's the best way to describe this behaviour I think!)

No worries about the Hmm Smile...I think the 'treat for a treat' thing hit a nerve with me, my mom does things like this to my kids. Tonight she was nagging them to finish their pudding if they wanted sweets! Now that does deserve a Hmm!!!

Bluebell99 · 28/10/2010 22:35

I have started to say things to the ungratefulbrats children that I take out! For example I am sick of my children's friends coming round and saying that our house is a mess, so now I say, oh that's a very rude thing to say. Also a child that I have gone out of my way to help as her mum doesn't drive, said our house was a mess in a chinese whisper and so next time I see her walking somewhere I will wave cheerfully, rather than pick her up! We have taken my son's ex best friend on some very expensive days out, and he has demanded expensive meals and has never said thank you, so am quite glad my son has moved on to someone politer!

pintyblud · 28/10/2010 22:35

Maybe he's getting to that age where he doesn't want to admit enjoying any time spent with girls?

I think you need to be very open about this. Either dsay to his mum, oh he really doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with us any more, maybe it's time to drop the afternoons out, what do you think?

Or, say to the boy when he moans, oh I thought you enjoyed it. Why don;t you have a chat with your mum and if you don't want to some nect time you don't have to.

You and his parents seem to be sort of colluding in his pretence. You need to be upfront but kindly about it.

MangoTango · 28/10/2010 22:36

I've got two dds too, but the activities you mention (The Princess and the Frog and a music workshop with songs and dances and crafts) do seem like things that the sons of friends of mine would not really enjoy as they would find them a bit girly tbh. We go out with a friend of mine with two sons most weeks and i know if i suggested those things the mum would say that the sons wouldn't be keen. It's just not the sort of thing the sons would enjoy. Could the mother of the boy not come along too and you could all agree on things that all the kids would enjoy? Or just ask the mum what sort of things the son likes?

Original poster
harpsichordcarrier · 28/10/2010 22:43

Music and crafts are 'girly' Hmm???
Well his parents are both musicians and his mother is an artist Grin so I don't think that's a problem.
And no, I don't really think that he views things as 'boys' and 'girls' activities - the children in their class tend to mix very well and do things together. parties tend to be 50/50.
And as I said, the mix of boys and girls at the workshop was about 50/50.
The thing is he did enjoy the day, and he did enjoy the trip to the cinema, as well as the other things we have done together (museum trips, a trip to the theatre to see George's Marvellous Medicine, theme park).

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