...in thinking that the "Lonely Hearts' ads in newpapers can be strangely amusing

[iLikeDots]

Don't get me wrong, I have no problems what so ever with this type 'looking for love ads', in fact my best friend is getting married to a guy she meet on the net and he is wonderful. I just wonder what conclusions people come to if they are looking for a date/just reading the ad's of those that are published.

I was very bored the other day as DD at school and all housework had been done. I found myself reading one of the local free newspapers when I became aware I had spent a silly amount of time on the 'obiutary notices' (Dont know why as no one I know had died and it made depressing reading.

Feeling a bit'werid' at doing this I flicked to next page which happened to be 'lonely heatrs' section.

I never knew these things can be so amusing that I spent the next 10mins or so chuckling to myself as i read. The clincher for me was the comment that came before the 'stats'. with heading such as "Highway to Love' , 'Miss me, Miss out!' and "A whole lotta woman"
they were so strange/funny that I questioned who would want to 'date' this person who comes up with headers like that.

The funniest 'ad' I ever saw was an ad complete with a photo. The info that was on it said something like "Big Softie, homebody , teetotal, loves ballet!" Not strange on its one , but the photo that was with it showed a rough and ready guy in what can olny be described as a 'mug shot'. He looked he was on something. I concluded that a mate had sent it in for a joke.

Dating Ads, what do you think?

YANBU. Some of them are hilarious. They remind me of the ads for Haart Estate Agents, in which they describe each home up for sale with a similar type of caption, e.g. 'Home is where the heart is - 2-bed terraced...'

Have you ever read the ones in the London Review of Books? They are masterpieces. I think there's a book of them.

I'm going to try to link: the bottom of this page

No I LOVE reading them they are hilarious. In fact we had to do an analysis of them at university and I got laughed at for how much I knew about the acronyms etc :o

Grotesque code words always seem to be used - tactile for instance? What does that mean - clammy? Gropey?

I like the ones where men seek "assertive" women.

You just know it means they want to be tied up and spanked by a dominatrix wearing thigh high leather boots with 6 inch heels while being called a "Big Bad Boy".

Always makes me giggle.

Oh yes definitely. And the endless ones with men offering or woman asking for "security" when they mean cold hard cash.

ooohhhh thanks for that link DialM. Very funny... I could enterain myself for weeks on bad/crazy/embarrisng 'loney hearts' ads alone. [hgrin]

oh yes, I love them.

cuddly = fat
gsoh = no sense of humour
broadminded = pervy
discreet = married
nights out and more = sex
for fun = sex
honest = liar
must be solvent = golddigger
is solvent = isn't
must have own house = have to meet at yours cos they're married
good looking = face like a bulldog sucking shit off a nettle
specifies desired ethnicity = twat
60yr old man seeking slim blonde age 22-26 = hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes Hecate - all so true. I was trying to find some more examples but chucked the paper away already. Think you have most of them there.

"seeks non-assertive partner" = I want to truss her up like a chicken for my delight

"extremely attractive" = arrogant tussock

"seeks exotic lady" = I have watched too much manga-porn

"enjoys nights in/out" = deeply deeply dull (this means nothing at all - except that they enjoy the hours of darkness)

"wine-lover" = alcoholic

"sensitive" = gets very angry if ego not constantly stroked

"slim man 24 seeks older fuller-figured lady for realtionship" = I want you to squash for dosh minus the dosh

I really wanted to start a thread about realistic personal ads people would write about themselves...

realistic?

very fat, slightly boring and quite moody ugly woman with 2 autistic kids seeks rich elderly man with no relatives and who lives in a huge house with a steep staircase.

:) @ steep staircase.

intrigued by the steep staircase...ah, I think I see :o

"Sarcastic woman with tolerably good breasts seeks green-eyed guitar-playing beauty to obey my every whim" perhaps

oh well, if we're doing breasts and things...

very fat, slightly boring and quite moody ugly woman with southerly facing breasts and a fanjo that'll make you feel you're chucking a welly up the Old Kent Road and who has 2 autistic kids seeks disgustingly rich elderly man with a weak heart, no relatives and who lives in a huge house with a steep staircase.

I loved this ad! Thanks for the link:

I vacillate wildly between a number of archetypes including, but not limited to, Muriel Spark witticism-trading doyenne, Mariella Frostrup charismatic socialite, brooding, intense Marianne Faithful visionary, and kleptomaniac Germaine Greer amateur upholsterer and ladies' league darts champion. Woman, 43. Everything I just said was a lie. Apart from the bit about darts. And kleptomania. Great tits though. Box no. 2236.

PMSL at Hecate's ad. Would love to put it in the paper and watch the queue form.

"chucking a welly up the Old Kent Road" - I don't think i'll ever get over that.

These are classic! Can't believe I have never realised how funny these ads can be. Ive missed out of more than 20years of laughter and fun in regards to 'love ads!' !

Heehee...The posts that posters are 'making up' are really good!

I remember reading a story in a mag like Thats Life ages ago, about a total nightmare some woman had on the first date after replying to a mans 'lonely heart' ad in a paper.
He had advertized himself as something along the lines of " worldly gent, with own set of wheels, brilliant blue eyes a love of nights-in".

I think she met him and then escaped throuh the window of the ladies loo because what she got was a very old man, in one of those OAP scooters you see, who had one glass eye (hence brill blue), who only loved nights indoors as the shetlered accomdation lhe was living in was shut each night at 9pm for the evening, therefore he had to be back before 9 or face being locked out all night until the next caretaker started work at 6am ! TeeHee, if I hadn't found it so funny, I would of felt sad for this woman as she was really upset and I think it it put her off 'the lonely hearts' for life!

Heeheee....classic

I love them. I especially love the ones in free papers- for whatever reason, they seem to draw in the real weirdos.

(and by bob, if you've got an advert in a free paper, then of course I don't mean you. I mean everyone else.)

Oh hecate your posts are making me laugh so much I think that at one point I forgot to breath ! Espeically the 'Old Kent Rd, Ugly' woman bit ! Classy !

just read hecate's posts. perfect.

hecate your welly up the Old Kent Road made me cry laughing.

Yes - my personal favourite similie for this is 'lighting a candle in the Albert Hall'

We've got a hopeful little section in lonely hearts in our local called 'brief encounters'. They're funny. Things like 'Esso garage last thursday, you black renault, smiled at me in the queue when I dropped my receipt. Would love to see you again, please call......."

I love reading the ones in our local paper. they are DIRE!

They ALL like nights in/out (I often wonder if there is an alternative way to spend a night- lying in the doorway, perhaps?)

They ALL like "the cinema/ eating out"

And they ALL have a GSOH (which is obviously well hidden)

They really do sometimes sound like a right bunch of dreary folk! I have fun pairing them up- you know how you get the "Men-seeking-women" section and the "women-seeking-men"? I like mentally pairing Shy cuddly blonde, likes nights in/out, walking, cinema and eating out with not-unattractive young looking 50yo, 5'22, likes karate sports cars and nights in/out, cinema etc.

I rather like throwing a sausage up the M1