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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how can i remain tolerant of redundant DH?

27 replies

candlebra · 28/10/2010 08:58

he was made redundant, unexpectedly, with no pay out as yet a couple of weeks ago.

all very sad and worrying and what on earth do we do.
well i seem to be doing all the job seeking for him. i have suggested all the places he worked before and all number of other places but he wont go.
in fact yesterday he said yes he would go but needs to go early in the monring, it looks better. not very likely in a not veyr early riser!

i spose we are getting on ok considering and i am worried about him, trying to tread lightly.
we may not get all the benefits we should as i have taken on another temporary job, which sucks, but on the other hand, we needed the money at the time. what to do there?
cut back my hours and apply again?

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 28/10/2010 09:06

He's probably in shock as something that was a big part of his life has now gone. I think you have to be tolerant and gentle for a bit and then help him with CVs and to get back on track again. He's also feeling like a failure I expect and wondering why he got made redundant as opposed to anyone else iyswim.

Good luck in the job hunting!

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 09:08

that's kind of you scareyteacher,
the company went into liquidation.

but of course i spose he is scared to contact people i have suggested, people he knows, for fear of rejection.

i will bite my tongue and try to be kind

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 28/10/2010 09:17

My dh could be looking at redundancy in the next six months after the defence review is finally sorted. He is applying for jobs already and if necessary will go before the redundancy boards are set up if he gets a job elsewhere.

Get your dh to sit down and list his skills and help him do it, and accentuate the positives. Mine did this and was surprised at how many transferable skills he has that would make him employable. Updating the CV is always a useful exercise as well.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 28/10/2010 09:19

Candleabra, I feel for you, I really do. It's so hard to cope emotionally in this kind of situation. My DH was made redundant last year but fortunately had a good pay off. Even then, his lacklustre attitude was hard to deal with (even though, as scareyteacher says, it's perfectly reasonable and understandable).

Good luck to your DH with his search for a new job.

WriterofDreams · 28/10/2010 09:20

Chances are your DH is totally knocked for six. It might be a good idea to sit him down and explain that it's perfectly ok for him to take it easy for a couple of weeks and get his head together but then he needs to seriously start looking for a job. Is he helping out around the house?

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 09:22

thanks,
we have updated his cv but i spose we shoudl look further at possible trasnferrable skills.

OP posts:
Nuttybear · 28/10/2010 09:30

I think it might be a good idea to give him a two week break and don't say anything to him. Maybe get some of those jobs around the house done! Get him to make the list up of what needs doing instead of you taking over. Then when it's done don't look for whats wrong but praise whats right. (I know this becuase I fell into this trap when DH re tiled the kitchen floor Blush Look after yourself too. Has he got some old mates that he can thrash it out with? When I was applying for a new position had lots of help from friends, men and women to write my CV.

deepheat · 28/10/2010 09:37

Tbh, it sounds like you're doing just grand in particularly difficult circumstances. It isn't easy to deal with anyone who's self-esteem is that low, especially a husband/partner. I'm in the public sector, and just the possibility of redundancy has got me feeling sorry for myself at times.

The tricky thing is finding the balance of when to bite your toungue and when to be a little more blunt. Personally I think that if you do what you can to boost his self esteem wherever possible, then it will make the times when you need to be blunt a bit easier. Otherwise us blokes have a habit of retreating further into our pubs shells.

Agree with scaryteacher's comments as well. Possibly also worth signing up to a relevant job agency - not necessarily a long term option but some people find doing this a little less intimidating, as they're not actually applying for a job and so it doesn't pique the fear of failure bought about by the redundancy so much.

Finally, bear in mind that your husband might be feeling as though he is completely defined by his jobless status now, so keep on reminding him that he's a lot more than that - great husband, great father etc etc. The better he feels about himself, the shorter this period of self-pity (if that's what it is) will be.

Really all the best to you.

meltedmarsbars · 28/10/2010 09:42

We went through a similar thing a few years ago - dh made redundant, and it was like his whole world had collapsed.

Sounds like he is taking it very hard. Please give him space and be patient, can you get him to any job-seekers advice groups? If only to meet others in similar situations and get him talking about his future. Whatever you do, don't let it cause arguments that you end up saying things you later wish you hadn't.

My dh wouldn't even do any of the endless household jobs when he was really down.

And like Nuyytbear says, get him out with his friends.

Best of luck!

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 09:45

thanks - good to hear so much advice Smile

er, well he does not drink now - that is another story - and thank god for that -

he was doing the housework and making meals and picking up from school, before half term anyway.
there are loads of jobs round the house.

a job agency might be a good idea.

i will come back and reread this - it is very helpful

OP posts:
OhYouBadBadGhostie · 28/10/2010 09:48

dh went into shock when he was made redundant (though he would probably deny it) We coped by me giving him a list of things we needed to doing the house. It gave him time to organise his thoughts and get himself together.

We have been def much more grumpy with each other.

has your dh signed on? they will give him a list of things he needs to do each week. (not all of them helpful,but it can provide a focus)

Itsjustafleshwound · 28/10/2010 09:55

Do you have a good friend or somebody who will be your sounding board when you want to scream and shout and have a moan about him?

Don't forget about yourself and your kids in this - help him and support him but don't make it too comfortable for too long ...

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 10:18

that was annoying, he signed on and he had to have 3 proofs that he had been looking for work, and it made me realise he hadnt actually. sigh.

i dont really want to moan too much in RL, which is why MN is good.

count to ten, be nice to him.

OP posts:
MiniMarmite · 28/10/2010 10:36

So sorry that this has happened. As others have said he has probably taken a huge knock to his confidence even though it was all beyond his control. He may not know where to start, especially if it is a long time since he has applied for jobs, been for interviews etc.

My own DH found that this book really helped when in a similar situation.

FortiesCromarty · 28/10/2010 10:56

Hello, sorry that your family are in this situation.
I've experienced this with my DH and it's really hard to be nice over a long period of time, when you feel you're doing everything and they're moping about doing nothing to help or improve things.

Making a list of things for him to do to look for jobs really helped, e.g. check jobcentre website frequently, read local paper, contact employment agencies even list the phone numbers if he's really down and won't do anything. Go through the job centre website to find out all options as I seem to remember a telephone advice line that helped with CV writing.

I ended up job-searching each night for him, and leaving the results on the computer for him to apply to the next day, as our situation dragged on for weeks without him taking any action.

I tried giving him time without saying anything, just being supportive, letting him take plenty of time to recover, but it was turning into months of inaction, so I found a practical approach best, even as I resented doing all the donkey work. It's best for everyone for him to get a job asap as his self esteem is probably very low.

Hope he finds something soon.

Talker2010 · 28/10/2010 11:01

I got my husband a set of cards with a box

Then we designed a system for making notes about agencies contacted/jobs applied for/interviews/feedback/etc

He spent quite a bit of down time just checking the web and making notes about agencies ... that got him ready for making contact

Luckily he kept the box as he started with Nokia in June and they are set to make 20% of their workforce redundant in November !

TheDeadlyLampshade · 28/10/2010 11:05

worried about this too. We are still waiting to hear. The chances are though that DH wouldn't get another job. He can only work school hours and we cannot move house.
And he is very specialised.

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 11:27

good to hear others stories - sounding similar to ours.

OP posts:
Starboo · 28/10/2010 12:25

As the company he worked for went into liquidation he can claim redundancy, holiday pay and notice period (though it's capped)from the National Insurance Fund and the Administrators should have given him a form to complete to get the ball rolling.

My DH is in the same situation and it took 2-3 weeks for the money to come through but once it did, it relieved the initial panic of how we were going to cope financially.
Make sure he signs on too. This was very humbling for my DH and the Job Centre he attends is pretty useless but that bit of money coming in each fortnight is very useful.

My DH found keeping in touch with previous colleagues through LinkedIn etc useful as it's good to speak to others that are in the same situation. Suddenly being at home alone can be really isolating so it's important, as other posters have mentioned, to have "jobs" to keep him busy and get out and about. He can send his CV or drop it into agencies, though you have to keep pestering them.

I realised I had to be strong for my DH and support him emotionally though a traumatic, but hopefully temporary period in our lives. I've also felt that I've had to do a lot of job-searching on his behalf. I also needed to have a rant and rave every now and then so make sure you talk this over with friends and family as you need support too.

Also (sorry if I'm going on), he wasn't made redundant, his position was. Equally, the company he worked for went into liquidation and he wasn't responsible, so there is no point feeling guilty or ashamed.

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 15:00

thanks,
good point, he of course wasnt made redundant, his position was.
he has applied to through national insurance fund as you mention.

thanks again.

OP posts:
PinkElephant73 · 28/10/2010 18:03

Hi Candlebra,

What type of work is he in?

When you say

" i have suggested all the places he worked before and all number of other places but he wont go.
in fact yesterday he said yes he would go but needs to go early in the monring, it looks better. not very likely in a not veyr early riser!"

are you expecting him to turn up at workplaces unannounced to ask if they have any vacancies? This wouldn't be normal for most types of job and would take a lot of confidence for anyone to do let alone someone who's just lost their job.

He may not want to approach companies he has worked for before, or knows already, as he may feel embarrassed/humiliated about people he knows finding out that he has lost his job.

Being made redundant is a real kick in the teeth. Do you think he is hiding from the reality of the situation by being reluctant to do anything which means admitting to people what has happened.

If so, he would probably find it easier to apply for jobs or contact agencies that he has had no dealings with before. Talking to a decent recruitment agent might boost his confidence if they can encourage him a bit.

You could also look for books about job hunting and interview skills in the library.

Original poster
candlebra · 28/10/2010 19:49

very good point pink elephant Blush
of course

OP posts:
spiderpig8 · 28/10/2010 21:14

Very easy for someone (particularly a man) in this situation to slip into depression, so keep a very close eye out for this.Doing nothing can be asign

QuoththeRaven · 28/10/2010 21:23

my husband became redundant 1 week before we had our first dc. basically they had hired him to be a manager in their new store, kept him at a different one and then when they realised the new one would not be opening sacked him. Really knocked him for 6 and of course it was made worse as he was the only earner in the house and we were very close to having to provide for a little one.

Its horrible having to go to jobcentre, but the more he goes the more help you could get. Apply for every benefit etc under the sun. As other posters have suggested let him have some time to himself without pushing the job issue but try and get him to go to jc at least once a week to check for jobs, speak to staff etc.

DH was out of work for about 2-3 months, luckily we got benefits etc, it was a scary time but you will pull through.

wishing you all the best

GreatGreenArkleseziure · 28/10/2010 21:44

it is very hard, and i sympathise. i got made redundant 2 years ago, got another job,just started to recover financially.... now DH is out of work.
get in touch with the agencies - not just for temp work but set them looking for a permanent position. they get a lot of money in commission from the company they place you with, so they can be very very keen to find you a job. also they have lots of contacts and can give good advice on how to tailor your cv. they will work at finding you a job leaving you time to .... look for work!

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