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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder where the f**k I went wrong and why I cannot seem to sort myself out ?

29 replies

TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:17

Just that really.

I split with xp in 2006 and things never seem to get any better.

Actually that might not be true, I think I might hate my life whatever happened.

OP posts:
LadyLatherOfIndecision · 26/10/2010 23:21
Sad

tell us about your life then, and now

we can try to unpick what might be going on, and if not well you can have manly slaps to the shoulder MN stylee

vespasian · 26/10/2010 23:23

I think to recover from a divorce takes time, it took me years to be truly happy and totally let go.

vespasian · 26/10/2010 23:24

I am talking about 6-7 years.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:29

Ok.

Met xp when I was 18 and he was 38. Moved in with him after 2 weeks. Was pregnant with Dd1 less than 6mths later, and had a further 2 dc by the time I was 24.
My dc are the only thing I do not hate about my life then or now.

Stayed with xp for 10yrs. He was fine at first but turned into a miserable, grumpy man as the years went by.

I kicked him out in 2006 and it has been mostly shit on and off since then.

Oh, I hardely ever worked since 18 cos xp didn't like me too. I was working when we split, but it was evenings so I had to quit.

So, have been split for 5yrs in Feb and I do not feel like I have moved forward at all. I am working now, which should be good I suppose, but it is the most mindnumbingly boring job I have ever had as there is not enough for me to do.

My house does my head in, needs loads doing and it never seems to end. My kids think I moan too much, which I do.

I have no real friends, despite trying and am sick and tired of feeling so lonely all of the time.

OP posts:
vespasian · 26/10/2010 23:35

The job may help with the friends and feeling lonely. I suspect more people feel that way than they care to admit. We all move around so much and build our lives around our nuclear family unit. When that goes wrong we are left alone.

I think you need to think about what you want your life to be like as well as what you don't like.

What job would you like?
Can you set yourself a goal of one job a month on the house rather than thinking of all the things that are wrong with it?

pollyblue · 26/10/2010 23:36

Could you go to college part-time, do evening classes or open university? Working towards better qualifications/different career would get you heading towards more enjoyable(and hopefully profitable!)work, and may gain you some new friends along the way.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:40

The house is coming together very very slowly, and I suppose that might speed up now I have the money to do more things in it.

Have been decorating the dinning room this week.

I don't actually know what would make me happy though anymore.

When I think back, then I think I was happy when the kids were little. Even though mine and xp's relatinship was shite, I was alot more content then than I am now.

I'd not change the split though. It was my choice and I am glad I made it.

I am pretty much used to the friends thing now really.

I just think that by now I should be feeling happier and I am not, at all.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 26/10/2010 23:41

You are still really young OP. You've got time on your side to turn things around Smile

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:41

Polly - I have been looking into doing an IT course after xmas, but I am still adjusting to being at work and having a millon things to do when I get home so I'm not sure it will happen yet.

It is a good idea though as I do not want to stay in this job.

I can't remember the last time I woke up and was looking forward to the day ahead.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:44

Joni - I feel past it tbh lol.

I am 32 and have been single since I was 27.
I can't see that ever changing now.

I know I can change my job and other stuff though. I just never seem to make it happen.

OP posts:
vespasian · 26/10/2010 23:47

Are there no mumsnetters near you? As I said I bet a lot of people feel like you.

Do you want to meet someone? I would not rely on meeting someone to make you happy but being single at 32 does not mean that you will be single forever. I met my husband when I was older than 32.

ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 23:49

Could you start by doing some small changes to your life...just little changes of direction which will or may break some patterns?

One a day...buy yourself some flowers...or go for a walk in the woods...things you do not usually do....go to work by a different route....wear something you would never normally wear.

Tiny little challenges....it sonds like you are in a proper rut and its affecting your self esteem...get out of it by doing ONE thing every day that is different.

ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 23:49

32? I am 38 and even I don't feel past it lol!

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:50

But had you been completely single for years before that ??

No one has wanted me in 5yrs so it is unlikely to change now.

I'd love to have met someone, but gave up on it ages ago tbh.

Anyway, as you say, I cannot rely on that for happiness anyway so, nevermind that lol.

I suppose I should go to bed got to be up earlyish for shoe shopping with the dc Hmm

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 26/10/2010 23:51

Usually I think inspirational talk is shit but you ARE still young and your future really is in your own hands. It's up to you to determine it. Look at what isn't working and change it Smile

vespasian · 26/10/2010 23:51

Yes I had nutty. I needed to literally piece myself together before even thinking about someone else.

pollyblue · 26/10/2010 23:53

How much help do you have with your dcs OP? Do you get much time to yourself?

My circs are different to you but for a long time I was pretty unhappy - I wanted to do "something", like study, but always found reasons to put it off. In the end I realised for the sake of my sanity at least I had to force myself to organise it - arrange regular care for the dcs so I could go, and then sign up to classes. I now go to college one day a week. I feel much more positive and less overwhelmed by the day-to-day poo - I feel like it's given me a blast of fresh air through my brain (if that makes sense) and a better sense of perspective.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:55

I don't know what to change first tbh.

Can't change my job yet, although I am looking.

Make me LOL now that I thought when I split with xp i'd not be single for any longer than 12mths. Ahh well.

OP posts:
jonicomelately · 26/10/2010 23:58

Look at this way. If your life improves chances are you'll be in the proximity of a better class of male. That's if you want one of course. make the small changes and the big stuff will start to change as well.

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/10/2010 23:59

The only time I get to myself is at work, if that counts.

I work 8-2 mon-fri and then come home and do the usual kids and house stuff.
My mum comes over on a Sat night and we have nice food and wine and watch xfactor or whatever, and that is it.

The couple of friends I do have are very unreliable in terms of going out so I go out roughly once every 6mths if that.

Xp doesn't have the dc unless I beg tbh.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 27/10/2010 00:06

Sorry to hear you feel rubbish OP Sad

But, from a different perspective..

I have friends who are the same age/ older than you, and who are still looking for Mr Right, and who have no children. You have brought up three children- surely there is an achievement in that? AND there is no reason why you won't meet anyone else. I would bet that you have met men, they just haven't been what you were looking for- good for you: there is a a sense of self-worth in not settling for any old guy, just because you don't want to be on your own, You are only 32- lots of time!

There are things in your life that you don't like (eg job) that you may not be able to change RIGHT NOW, but you can think about, and plan for, a future time when you will be able to change things- looking forward is always better than looking back. Anf things do nearly always get better.

Keep a diary- I look back at times I thought life was hardly worth living, and I am amazed at how they turned around. This is going to sound really daft, but when I feel low/ at a brick wall I think of that Kate Bush song- "I just know that something good is going to happen...I don't know when. But just saying it could even make it happen"

Sorry if any of this sounds twee and patronising, but things usually do (suddenly and unexpectedly!) get better, so look forward

LadyLatherOfIndecision · 27/10/2010 00:14

if you are depressed then that may increase your inertia - have you spoken to your GP?

Original poster
TheOriginalNutcracker · 28/10/2010 08:11

I am proud of bringing up three children, very. That is the only thing I am proud of actually.

Maybe I am depressed, I don't know anymore.

I just want to feel happier and more content.

OP posts:
ariane5 · 28/10/2010 08:19

it sounds like you could really do with some help-believe me i know, iam a sp to 3 lovely children,i dont work as 2 are disabled (genetic-waiting to see if baby has it too).Sad

It is really really tough being on your own, the housework,lonliness etc.have you thought about going to see your gp? sometimes you might find that just talking to somebody helps-maybe they could arrange counselling for you, it helps me to work through things and its good to have somebody to talk to as i often find its really difficult not having a partner in that a lot of the time you dont have anybody to chat to.

my house is a never ending mess as soon as one thing finished something else needs doing and it gets very frustrating.

i wish i had a bit more advice to give you im sorry but rest assured you are not alone in this.

if things get really bad feel free to pm me if you need a chat.

take care

homebirthmummy4 · 28/10/2010 11:54

op, start by making a list of things that you feel may be contributing to your unhappiness, then alongside each point try to write if and how it could be changed, then try to set yourself realstic targets to make these little improvements eg, you are unhappy about being single BUT write down what you actually 'want' a man for, what type of things that man would like doing, eg, you might like a man who enjoys cooking, see if there is a local supper club you could join, you may meet him there!
or maybe you just want a little thing to change like say, what you eat, buy yourself a cookery book you wouldnt normally use and try something in it.
from my own experience, it is possible to find a lovely life aftr a split, but it does take some effort especially when you are feeling down, things started looking better for me when i decided,'right, this is my life now, what do i want it to be, what are the good points?' i valued stupid little moments, like dancing like a total idiot with my kids with no other adult to criticise.
i hope you feela little better today,