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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my DH be Cabin Boy

32 replies

ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:17

My DH insists that there must be a leader in a relationship... I tell him that most healthy relationships have compromise....give and take. But he insists that I am in fact far more ballsy than most women and that he puts up with crap from me all the time because I won't accept him as a leader! WTF?

He is great in all other aspects....works very hard..loves me and is affectionate...sometimes buys me flowers and tells me he loves me lots..BUT...this "thing" about leaders gets on my nerves!

It crops up whenever we are trying to sort anthing "big" out....you know....jobs, money, housing...the big things...if we disagree he's like "Well you know I should be the leader...you won't let me take the helm"

Hmm WHAT HELM? This relationship is not a boat! And if it is then I should be captain as anyone who refers to "helms" when discussing relationships needs to be relegated to cabin boy!

So...AIBU or should I let him "take the helm" [sniggery emoticon]

Tell me...honestly...do you let your other half lead?

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 26/10/2010 22:26

Tell your DH that if he thinks someone needs to lead you are happy to do so, but you expect him to stop challenging your authority and start being a bit more grateful.

No. I don't "let" my other half lead. And he doesn't "let" me lead. We would both be miserable if we lived like that.

stepford1 · 26/10/2010 22:27

I think the trick (and am a long way from making it work) is to make him THINK he's the leader ... while not making yourself feel like you've lost? If you can work it out please let me know!

Joolyjoolyjoo · 26/10/2010 22:33

PMSL- we had this discussion when I suggested sailing might be something we could all learn to do as a family (including my dad, who was really keen) DH said it would never work as HE would have to be captain (only one with sea experience) and dad and I would never accept it!

I read some joke once about a man telling his friend that he was the boss in their house. "I make all the big decisions, "he said, "And she makes all the little ones." His friend asked what kind of decisions he made. "Oh, you know- whether or not Man U should sign that new player, whether the govt is right or wrong, that kind of thing" So what decisions does your wife make? "Well, whether we should have children/ move house/ invest money.."

DH always seems to find himself doing the thing I wanted him to do, apparently off his own bat. An old Jedi mind trick..

Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:34

I hear that a lot stepford...the thing is though...it IS kind of 1950s thinking isn't it? And it's like letting him lead and kidding yourself you're "allowing it"...

OP posts:
againandagain · 26/10/2010 22:35

ForMash- Your OP made me laugh soooo much! Not at you obviously just at the tone!

Has he been reading a relationship book or something?? It sounds like a theory that he has latched onto!

FWIW DP proberly thinks he leads the relationship and would say so if asked however I think that I do.... the way our relationship works is that if there are big things to decide I drop subtle hints but dont actually suggest anything and then BAM he says why dont we do XYZ?? Like it was his idea all along! He is happy because he thinks he is "taking the helm" Hmm and I get my way!

Or maybe just get him a small boat. Let him exhaust himself playing Captain and 2take the helm" and then when he is at home he will be only to happy to be Cabin Boy Wink

Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:35

Tell me this Jedi trick please Jooly!

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 26/10/2010 22:36

This a very entertaining post, thanks for the laugh (in the nicest possible way). I recognise the power struggle, we too have two leaders in our marriage and no followers. It does make rather hard work, and not terribly peaceful, but it is the way it is, as we both believe ourselves to be highly cooperative, and the other to be unreasonably domineering.

againandagain · 26/10/2010 22:37

opps x posted with stepford!
ForMash- so he thinks he is leader? so what?
To be honest he proberly wants to be "leader" more than he wants to actually make decisions IYSWIM?

scurryfunge · 26/10/2010 22:38

I'd be throwing him overboard Smile

Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:40

God onetoomany it's a nightmare at times! And to thik I was actually attracted to his scary personality...he IS domineering..but so am I...I cannot bear it if he gets all "manly" with me in front of our 2 girls...I always think I'm letting the side down if I capitualte.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:42

Hmmm againandagain...yes...good point..I will buy him a special leaders hat this weekend! OR NOT! Because I AM THE CAPTAIN! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:43

Yes scurryfunge...he can bloody swab the kitchen floor too!

OP posts:
TheProfiteroleThief · 26/10/2010 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

togarama · 26/10/2010 22:47

How funny! Families aren't little armies which need leaders...

I agree with you re give and take and compromise. It sometimes makes sense for one partner to lead on issues they're strong in. (e.g. I'd have to be nuts to let DH handle our finances. But on the other hand, as I don't actually know what colour clashing means, it's apparently best to leave any decorating to him.)

CaptainNancy · 26/10/2010 22:52
Joolyjoolyjoo · 26/10/2010 22:53

ForMash- I would love to explain the Jedi mind trick, but I'm not actually sure how it works!

Actually DH is pretty easygoing- my dad jokes that his catchphrase is "whatever, babe!" whenever I try to have a we have a discussion, which can actually be just as irritating!

needafootmassage · 26/10/2010 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:57

Togorama yes..and since my DH excells in surfing, socialising and acting the fool...well then he can be in charge of all that! Lol!

CaptainNancy...I should be looking to you more often obviously!

OP posts:
Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 22:58

Do you hve charge of the remote control needafootmassage?

OP posts:
needafootmassage · 26/10/2010 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Onetoomanycornettos · 26/10/2010 23:04

Well, I love the idea of a co-operative partnership in which everyone takes turns explaining their position, then they come to a decision, but I've only read about it in books:)

I also feel like I can't back down. I feel like I have to stand up to my DH as he very domineering, so if I don't, I will get flattened.

However, why not let him take the helm on things you don't give a toss about or even some you do? That way you can take the helm yourself on issues you care about. It is quite tiring to both be struggling to be heard and no-one listening, I'd try to identify what really matters to him (e.g. the exact location of where we live is really important to my husband, but not such a big deal for me, whereas school choice is basically mine) and back off a bit. A tactical retreat wins on many occasions.

Original poster
ForMashGetSmash · 26/10/2010 23:22

We seem to care about the same bloody things though! It's a pain....we'll probably get over it all by the time we're in our 80s!

OP posts:
zipzap · 26/10/2010 23:39

Is he also doing it because it is the way he was brought up - his dad was the leader in his house so he expected that when he was married he too would be the leader of his household?

And thereby he'd be in charge, do the fun stuff and make decisions whilst conveniently leaving all the grunt work and drudgery and stuff that he didn't want to do, thinking it too menial to be done by somebody holding the hallowed position of leader to be done by his wife.

Oh and he'd still reckon that he was doing his fair share of household stuff in a token nod to the cursed spirit of the age and sharing stuff to do together Grin

Onetoomanycornettos · 26/10/2010 23:41

If you believe Goffman, the marriage guru who has interviewed thousands of couples, being volatile but stable isn't necessarily a problem. You might have other pluses, such as being passionate, keeping things interesting and sparky. He argues it's not that you row that's the issue, it's the way you row (so no contempt, stonewalling etc).

By the way, my mum says with marriage, it's the first twenty years that are the worst:)

LeQueen · 26/10/2010 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.