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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish I wasn't a single parent

31 replies

tetradon · 25/10/2010 20:13

My brother came to stay with me and dd this weekend and its really reinforced how much easier/better life would be if I wasn't on my own. When he was here I didn't have to do everything, when dd spilt her drink he wiped it up and poured her another before I could blink an eye. On Sunday he got up got dd her breakfest, made me breakfest in bed and managed to get dd to do her half-term homework (no mean feat normally we have to do it on the Sunday night before). He has a car so we didn't have to struggle on buses particulary on Sundays. Life was so much easier and my brother is only 19 and today being the first day of half term has been so hard as we have no money and can't do much although she is going to a friends house on Thursday, I just wish my ex wasn't such a turd who "can't be bothered with dd".

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2010 20:14

YABU.........take one look at the 'relationships' topic on here.......married life looks grim,grim,grim.......

Onetoomanycornettos · 25/10/2010 20:26

On the bright side, your brother sounds like a star and great with children, so get him to stay more! Perhaps having a hands on uncle around the place will have lots of pluses for you both.

YANBU though, being on your own is hard work (although not harder than living with a turd who puts himself first). It's exhausting. But I'm married, and my husband works away a lot and I 'single parent' a lot. I don't find the physical side so hard, more the emotional side, I want someone to listen to all the little details about the children which are frankly tedious unless you are related. So, I can understand you wanting an easier life.

Goblinchild · 25/10/2010 20:26

YANBU, it's a lot easier to have another, helpful adult in the house.

byrel · 25/10/2010 20:27

YANBU but even if weren't life wouldn't be easy, although it is nice having someone else to deal with the kids. By the way your brother sounds brilliant mine probably wouldn't cross the road for me or my dc

Joolyjoolyjoo · 25/10/2010 20:33

Well, swings and roundabouts! I love DH dearly, but he has been away for the past 4 wks, and only came back this week- I just hadn't realised before how much easier the housework is withour him here!

Don't get me wrong, he is good at clearing up/ hoovering etc most of the time, BUT I had an extra 40 mins ironing today (I timed it doing all his shirts etc. He seems to drag mud and debris in on his big clumsy boots, there are various jackets draped all over the lounge, cushions all mushed up and in the wrong places. Extra dishes, half-empty glasses, clothes all over the bedroom. He does wash up after his weekend fry-up BUT leaves a gross fatty ring in the sink. Not to mention the extra cost in food, as he is permenantly hungry!

I am back to having to watch Wheeler Dealers on the TV, and have to fight for my time on the computer (mumsnet vs ebay!) PLus he woke me up getting up at 6am and I couldn't go back to sleep. And he makes me feel bad about staying up too late!

As I said, I love him dearly and have no great desire to be a single parent, but there is an upside!

Original poster

tetradon · 25/10/2010 20:36

I know things wouldn't be perfect but I would have someone to share looking after dd with. Plus I can only work part time so we would have another breadwinner so we would be able to do more things.

OP posts:

SuchProspects · 25/10/2010 20:45

YANBU - A good DP makes it all so much easier (though a bad one makes it all much harder). You are doing an incredible job managing on your own. Hope your brother is able to provide more relief from time to time.

dertitude · 25/10/2010 21:14

YANBU, any chance your brother would like another sister? Moi?

SuePurblybilt · 25/10/2010 21:19

I wouldn't go back, it is hard - the endlessness of it all, the horrible times when you're sick and still have dcs, having to be soley responsible for the children and so missing out on socialising.

But crap relationships are harder I think. A good DH would be brilliant obviously but I'd rather be a LP than settle.

JustDoMyLippyThenWeWillGo · 25/10/2010 21:21

YANBU, don't know how you do it, am v admiring. I live for 6pm. Live in fear of being single parent cos am quite rubbish at being nice mummy, so am not smug

Meglet · 25/10/2010 21:30

Yanbu. Its gruelling at times isn't it.

My sister sometimes comes round at tea / bath time so she gets roped into helping out and its so easy with 2 people.

But no DP is better than a useless one.

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 21:33

Well, I kind of get it, but I think most husbands would have looked at the spill, then looked at you. A lot of men are very comfortable with their wives doing everything, so I think it is FAR from an equation that a single mother is doing the same amount again as a married mother.

I do no more now than I did before I left x. But I would like more money, and sometimes I'm annoyed that other people regard me as being not quite one of them. society very, very couple-centric and it's nauseatingly tiresome.

Talker2010 · 25/10/2010 21:35

Having tried it both ways ... having the other half is certainly the easier alternative

TheOriginalNutcracker · 25/10/2010 21:38

YANBU

I think you feel it more when someone is there for a while to help. When they go it is such a shock to the system all over again.

HerBeatitude · 25/10/2010 21:39

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

But the grass is always greener remember; if you're in a bad relationship, you wonder if you're unreasonable wishing you were a single mother. And neither position is unreasonable.

AScaryFuckingLemonadeDrinker · 25/10/2010 21:43

What a lovely brother! Can I have 'im?

chandra · 25/10/2010 21:45

TBH, I didn't realise I was doing mostly everything until exH moved out. He left and suddenly the stress was gone, the house wasn't messy, we were eating well and healthy, and there was even some free time for me, I could have never dreamed of while I was married. Be grateful, things could be far worse if you had your ex still around.

sonia77 · 25/10/2010 21:48

You have my total sympathies . I was one for twelve years and little support and a sick kid, very very lonely and hard. Certainly makes you strong though and you can be very proud of your achievements. Bet you are doing a fantastic job.

poxoxo · 25/10/2010 22:04

The grass isn't always greener but I know what you mean regarding an extra pair of hands. Get your brother to stay over more often.

letsgetitstarted · 25/10/2010 22:06

I've been a single mum for twelve years. It's tough but it's made me so much stronger as a woman and I've gained from that in ways that I wouldn't have if I'd had a DH to pick up the pieces.

My experience was similar to chandra in that there was far less mess without a man around the place. Your brother was lovely to help out during his visit but if you had a DH who helped like that, it's unlikely he would keep it up long term!

I've found that being a single parent gives me a lot more freedom and I'm glad don't have to argue about major decisions with anyone. The grass just seems greener.

Teaandcakeplease · 25/10/2010 22:15

YANBU been a single mum with 2 young DCs for almost a year. Your brother sounds great!

poshsinglemum · 25/10/2010 22:22

You need to hire your brother out as a home help for us single mums! You'd make a fortune!

Original poster

tetradon · 25/10/2010 22:33

I know the grass isn't always greener and db is really good with kids and that my ex is an example of how uncaring men can be but it was just the comparison of the hardship of today with the ease of yesterday.

OP posts:

salizchap · 25/10/2010 22:35

YANBU. I miss having someone to consult with when DS has a fever, a cough, a fight at school, etc. I am tired of always having to make all the decisions all the time. Tired of working full time, then coming home to a messy house, to wash-up, cook, wash-up again, tidy the sitting room, while DS trashes it again as soon as my back is turned, and entertain him at the same time. I love him to bits, but I remember what it was like having his dad around and it made a lot of difference.

But, having a bad, lazy DP is much worse than being a LP. So don't rush into a relationship thinking it will be a bed of roses.

Rosettaroo · 25/10/2010 22:39

YANBU, my DH is not perfect but he is helpful. My niece is a single parent and the money worries and lack of help round the house are just too much for her sometimes. I have however known women stuck in some really terrible relationships and after breaking up they were happier without.

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