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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to buy my dd (5) any more toys until she starts looking after the ones she has?

42 replies

earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:27

It was her birthday recently and already she has broken some of her toys (snapped the elastic band in operation, cut- with scissors- part of a playmobile toy (beacuse her 3 year old brother told her to!), and snapped part of another toy) on top of this she has ruined a 2 day old toothbrush by chewing it, chewed 4 fingers off her doll, poured half the body wash away and left the tops off her pens.

This isn't a one off or a phase, she just doesn't look after her things and is forever breaking stuff (not always on purpose, just generally quite careless/clumsy)

I am quite fed up with it and have put her new toys away and told her that she won't be getting new ones until she starts looking after her old ones better.

So AIBU or are my expectations realistic for a 5 year old?

end of tether emoticon

OP posts:
PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 25/10/2010 19:28

YANBU at all

PerpetuallyAnnoyedByHeadlice · 25/10/2010 19:29

do you celebrate xmas? tell her santa takes toys away if they are not cared for and gives them to someone else

keepingupwiththejoneses · 25/10/2010 19:33

FFS she is just 5. You say she is generally clumsy. Some children take longer to understand about responsibility.

Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:34

That is exactly what i told her tonight, she said 'but how does he know' so i replied (quite truthfully) Santa sees everything! Cue floods of tears before bed. But i'm just so exasperated, her 3 year old brother takes more care than she does!

OP posts:
Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:36

Keepingup, that is what i need to understand, is it just her and should i cut her some slack or should i be expecting more from her? like i say at 3 her db takes better care of his things.
(no need for the ffs!)

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 25/10/2010 19:38

I wouldn't say YABU- as the parent of a 5yo dd who seems to have a talent for breaking things, I sympathise. I have also taken toys away in the past (although can generally be persuaded to give them back as a reward for good behaviour- I'm a bit soft Blush)

I do think it is partially a symptom of kids having too much nowadays. I remember attempting to cut my ballerina Sindy's hair and making a hash of it- I cried and cried, as I knew I would not be getting a replacement. DD, otoh, was desperate for a flying Tinkerbell doll- 3d later she had pulled the wings off it. She just shrugged and went off to play with something else Angry So I don't think temporarily removing some toys is harsh.

A1980 · 25/10/2010 19:39

YANBU If she's doing it on purpose some of the time.

It's one of the oldest parenting tools in the book to teach a child to take care of their belongings.

Once she's left with a load of broken toys, she'll soon learn.

Wink
Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:39

Actually if i'm being truthful what gets my goat is not the breaking of things, it is that there is no remorse shown, no 'i'm sorry' no tears, just a blank look.

It's the fact she just doesn't seem to care about it that annoys the hell out of me, and again if i'm being honest i probably impose harsher 'punishments' on her than i would if she showed some remorse!

OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 25/10/2010 19:39

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 5-year-old to look after things but if she is generally clumsy perhaps she would be better off with toys that can withstand rougher treatment i.e. Happyland rather than Playmobil?

It might also help her to look after things if toys weren't so readily available e.g. pens etc out of reach and a small box of toys accessible so she has to put one thing away before being able to get anything else out.

ragged · 25/10/2010 19:40

Good luck. If she's like my DC she might get the idea when she's about... say, 15yo or so.

borderslass · 25/10/2010 19:41

I'd put her toys into 2 or 3 boxes and rotate them.
she's only 5 she needs to learn how to take care of things that comes with maturity.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 25/10/2010 19:41

earlyriser- that is exactly the thing that bugs me about my dd! She just doesn't seem to care when she breaks something, even something she has apparently wanted for ages. I don't get it!

A1980 · 25/10/2010 19:42

I agree earlyriser. I accidentally left my baby doll out in the hot sun in my toy buggy when I was a child. Her eyes melted a little and one of them wouldn't stay open. I was inconsolable for hours as I 'hurt' my dolly. I loved that doll.

Nowadays kids just seem to not give a shit as they'll get another one.

Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:42

Now then A1980, here in lies my dilemma for the night, should i take the toys away and only return for good behaviour (this is actually the second time this fortnight the toys have been taken away Blush)

or...

do i leave her to muddle on with her broken toys? (which i suspect wouldn't bother her in the slightest!)

OP posts:
keepingupwiththejoneses · 25/10/2010 19:44

Sorry I had just come from another thread that had wound my up, I apologise for the ffs.

I don't want to worry you but ds2 had a thing for chewing everything, and still does, he has adhd, it is a trait, and breaks everything (he is 11)
You say her brother looks after thing better but it was him who told her to cut the toy. Just a thought.

Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:47

Thanks everyone, it does help put things in perspective.
She is a very kind and caring girl, the first to help out someone who is hurt or upset, willing to help around the house etc. Just doesn't look after her bloody toys! and you are right it is beacuse she has so many other things to play with.

I feel like an auld wifie when i say 'when i was a child i looked after my toys because they were the only ones i had, and if i broke them i didn't get new ones'

OP posts:
Talker2010 · 25/10/2010 19:47

There is a difference between accidental breaking and breaking with intent

There is also a difference between new and replacement

I think you are being unreasonable

A1980 · 25/10/2010 19:48

Hmmm. If she's not bothered about broken toys then I'd say take them away. But then for how long is the big question? Maybe don't give them all back at once? One or two at a time.

It is very strange though. When I bought a little girl i babysat for a very expensive barbie for her birthday, she opened it, took it out of the box, pulled all of it's clothes off, ripped all the starts out of her long hair, (the stars were attached by velcro so it ripped alot of the hair out too) and she tossed it aside. Why did I bother? I would have treasured a toy like that.

Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:50

That's ok Keepingup forgiven Smile, yes ds did tell her to cut the playmobile camera strap with a pair of scissors but as he is younger than her i didn't think she would be daft enough to do it Grin

OP posts:
Frrrrightattendant · 25/10/2010 19:50

Ds1 is like this, it's dreadful and I get really upset about it.

I was never that way with toys, mind you I was madly scrupulous and anxious so maybe it's a good sign?

I hope it'll come with maturity. Making him cry with guilt about it has NEVER worked though, trust me on that. I truly believe he cannot help it. It's not deliberate.

I would just limit the toys you buy and get stuff only that she's really wanted for ages so more likely to take care of.

A couple of years and she'll be a bit better with any luck Smile

ds1 is showing signs of improvement - massively so since he was 5, he's 7 now.

HTH

Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:53

The chewing thing is true too (would have been another thread but may as well get it all out here!) Everything has to go in her mouth, pens, fingers, balls, scissors, anything she has in her hand will end up in her mouth. She will also stand at the checkout in a shop and lick the conveyer belt [shocked].

Is this not normal then? Confused

OP posts:
keepingupwiththejoneses · 25/10/2010 19:56

I would say the chewing and licking are ok really if nothing else worries you, but if there is they can be part of a bigger thing, I wouldn't really worry if I where you though,

pigletmania · 25/10/2010 19:57

So my dd 3.6 is not the only one. I am fed up, she broke her lovely Hello Kitty umbrella in miniutes.

Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 19:58

Thanks, i was also rather clumsy as a child and do remember breaking things, but also remember being so very very sorry about it every time.

I feel bad that i give her a hard time over it, it is hard to know what is a realistic expectation and it is only by speaking to others that I can begin to understand things better.

I will now get off her case! part of me thinks that it is her toys so up to her what she does with them but the other part thinks someone paid good money for them, not for her to destroy!

A1980, i would have been livid! not sure how to react to something like that, what did you say?

OP posts:
Original poster
earlyriser · 25/10/2010 20:01

And yes there is a difference between intentional breaking
(playmobile camera, twanging elastic band til it broke
"dd if you keep doing that the band will break, dd the band will break quite soon if you do that , dd the band is NOT strong enough to go round your leg"

2 mins later

"mummy the band snapped, can i get another" arghggg!)

and just general thoughtlessness!

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