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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is having or has had an affair

41 replies

Saro · 25/10/2010 11:23

OK this is a bit harrowing and maybe I am just paranoid. DH seems to be receiving and sending lots of texts to a colleague of his. OK I have been a bit of a snoop, and read some old emails after I saw some text from this colleague, saying she was lonely, and another one arranging to meet at lunch time. The emails seem as if they are very familiar with each other, and there was a period about 6 months ago, with lots of x's at the end of the emails and some love.
Ok, I am scared to confront him, and find out that he wants her and not me, also I have male colleagues who I am friendly with, but I certainly will not be signing with an x when sending an email.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 25/10/2010 11:25

I'm so sorry you're worried about this - it's a really horrible feeling.

Does he spend time away from home, when you think he could be seeing her?

What time of day/night are the emails/texts?

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 11:35

YANBU

Has anything else been going on?

Original poster
Saro · 25/10/2010 11:36

Well some of the emails were corresponding about attending some seminars/training in a different city, and seems that they both attended at least one, and he was away for a few days. However the texts are mainly during working hours, and emails are at all sorts of time, but mostly none working hours.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 25/10/2010 11:38

I don't think love and xxxs are necessarily a marker of, well, anything, though.

readywithwellies · 25/10/2010 11:39

He is having an affair IMO. My exp did exactly this.

Original poster
Saro · 25/10/2010 11:40

not sure what you mean, buy has anything else been going on!

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 25/10/2010 11:40

YANBU

Surely, the best course of action is to be brave and to speak to your husband. Trust your instincts .... at least you will be dealing with facts not assumptions ...

Chil1234 · 25/10/2010 11:40

There's two choices here. Confront him and risk your suspicions being confirmed. Or don't confront him and live with a nasty feeling in the pit of your stomach. It's horrible to discover your husband is unfaithful but suspecting infidelity and living with the uncertainty is, arguably, much worse.

YANBU. Affairs are conducted by text and 'xxx' is significant.

readywithwellies · 25/10/2010 11:59

Saro, my exp had an affair in work, I had no idea whatsoever. It was all conducted in work time and he didn't change any habits or anything else apart from being on the computer about half hour more than usual. I did not suspect anything. I even used to check his phone and nothing.
If you can, siphon off some cash and then approach him. The shit is going to hit the fan. He could be waiting til after Christmas if you have dcs. This is what mine did. Bastard

EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 25/10/2010 12:12

I wouldn't necessarily take the "love" and "xxx" as proof of an affair. Some people just do this to everyone (I have to really fight to not fit every email with an X). But if you feel uneasy about that coupled with other email content or behaviour from him then it's probably time to snoop/confront.

Hope you're ok.

GeekOfTheWeek · 25/10/2010 12:29

Sorry op I meant has anything been going on to make you think like this.

Is he secretive with his phone?
Short tempered?
Out lots and in later than ususal?

Tbh I think you will find it beneficial to post in realtionships. Lots of lovely posters over there with kind words, advice and experience.

Original poster
Saro · 25/10/2010 13:41

The thing is that, I did not see any other emails with love or xxx. No he is not particularly being secretive, but then I don't usually check his phone either... though he always has it on him, he forgot it at home, that is how come I saw the texts and got suspicious.
Really dreading confronting him, don't know whether I am living a lie or not, and the thought of the trauma on the children.
lots of smileys of hugs and winks in the texts both from colleague and DH, Hardly get that from him, and I feel like finding the bitch and telling her to leave DH alone

OP posts:
EvilAntsAndMiasmas · 25/10/2010 13:46

You poor bugger, you just can't know without finding out more. Smileys, hugs, and winks - how old are they both? It's possible that this is just the way she communicates and he is "mirroring" because they are friends or work closely together. But it's probably more likely that he is at least flirting with her.

PLEASE do keep in mind though that "telling her to leave him alone" is not going to help, because it is HIM who is behaving badly (if he is), not her. She has no loyalty to you, he does, and he is not a helpless baby. It is his decision to send those emails.

Shaddapayaface · 25/10/2010 13:48

Why is it always the other woman to blame? Why dont people ever want to find the cheating husband and lamp him one?

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 25/10/2010 13:52

Because i guess its easier to hate someone you dont know than somebody you love?

Shaddapayaface · 25/10/2010 13:58

But the person you dont know isn't the one rubbishing YOUR marriage vows.

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 25/10/2010 14:06

Yes I agree.

But i think that is why op needs to comfront her Dh. So she can get the facts and place the blame where it lays.

good luck op. x

fedupofnamechanging · 25/10/2010 14:29

My DH did this a few years back with someone at work. My clues were that he was texting late at night, then texting me straight after to cover his tracks. At home he was more distant with me and seemed less caring towards me. He always had his phone with him and was generally less sympathetic towards me if I was upset about something.

I had a weird feeling one day - it was like someone had taken the blinkers off. I went ballistic without considering it first. To this day he has always denied wrongdoing (they were just friends and all that bollocks) but I know it was an emotional affair. I insisted that he stop all contact and shortly after he got a new job elsewhere.

I would urge you to gather evidence, so you have something concrete to present him with. I hadn't seen any of the texts so it was easy for my husband to deny everything. Be calmer than me and insist that he stops all contact. Kisses and using the word love in emails is not professional or acceptable behaviour when you are married.

Look in relationships. Some of the posters there are fantastic at helping with this kind of thing. I wish you luck as I know this feels really awful.

dementedma · 25/10/2010 14:34

YABU - you are basing this on a few friendly emails and texts? Why do you feel the need to check his phone anyway? What gives you the right to do this?

motherinferior · 25/10/2010 15:21

'Kisses and using the word love in emails is not professional or acceptable behaviour when you are married.'

Sorry, but this is a massive generalisation. I'm not married but the male friend and sometime colleague who sent me an email with XX at the bottom of it today is. And if his wife demanded we 'stop all contact' she would be barking, frankly.

Chil1234 · 25/10/2010 15:54

@motherinferior.... the married male colleague signing off his work mails to your today with kisses must at least think he's in with a chance.... unless you're in the acting or other 'luvvie' profession?

motherinferior · 25/10/2010 16:18

Good grief, no he doesn't. Course not. We are both middle aged and respectable, more's the pity. A spot of genteel flirtation is as exciting as our lives get.

We are both, incidentally, lefty social care journalists.

bairn24 · 25/10/2010 16:55

Sorry to hear you're going through this - suspicion and jealousy are horrible things to try and live with. It may all be innocent - after all, if you've seen stuff going back 6 months, they'd surely be in full affair mode by now if they were going to be?
If you're brave enough to admit to DH that you've been snoping you're quite within your rights to tell him it has to stop - how would he like it if you were lunching with another man - and a lonely one at that?

Went thru something similar last year, won't bore you with the details - this is your thread, but texting and emailing can very easily get out of hand, and whilst my discovery just backed up what I thought, I sometimes wish I hadn't looked, cos I will never trust DH fully again, even though nothing really happened.

fedupofnamechanging · 25/10/2010 17:47

motherinferior - I stand by what I said. Signing emails to a work colleague with love and xxxx is not professional. If my DH did that at work, people would think he is barking. More to the point, he is my husband and I would prefer that he not flirt with other women. I'm a bit funny like that.

dementedma · 25/10/2010 20:12

"I will never trust DH again even though nothing really happened" WTF???? So why don't you trust him?
I am shocked at the level of snooping and paranoia that goes on. DH went through my phone once and once only - it nearly caused a divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour, not mine!!
I have a work colleague who addresses his emails to be as "babe", and two others who sign off with kisses. I have as much intention of getting off with them as I have as flying, but it always makes me smile to see these friendly endearments.
If you don't trust your partner to the level that you feel obliged to go through their personal correspondence, you should call it a day and leave.

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