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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH is having or has had an affair

41 replies

Saro · 25/10/2010 11:23

OK this is a bit harrowing and maybe I am just paranoid. DH seems to be receiving and sending lots of texts to a colleague of his. OK I have been a bit of a snoop, and read some old emails after I saw some text from this colleague, saying she was lonely, and another one arranging to meet at lunch time. The emails seem as if they are very familiar with each other, and there was a period about 6 months ago, with lots of x's at the end of the emails and some love.
Ok, I am scared to confront him, and find out that he wants her and not me, also I have male colleagues who I am friendly with, but I certainly will not be signing with an x when sending an email.

OP posts:
Squitten · 25/10/2010 20:23

I can never really understand why people spend so long agonising over these things. IMO, you have two very clear choices: Either ask your DH about it, take the flak for looking through his stuff and get some answers, or, you can wander around, attempting to snoop on him for a while longer and allow yourself to obsess over it while not really knowing anything.

Considering that this might all be over nothing, it would make much more sense to just bite the bullet and ask him. You might have a row but I'd rather do that than let suspicion and paranoia eat up my brain...

fedupofnamechanging · 25/10/2010 20:27

I think most people start off trusting their partners. Then something happens which makes you think that your trust has been misplaced. You don't want this to be true, so you look for evidence to prove that your DH is being honest and faithful. Sometimes you find the opposite.

It is possible to repair a relationship where something has gone wrong, but I don't think it is ever quite the same again. Checking up on your partner becomes something that you do to protect yourself and to reassure yourself that you were right to stay in the relationship.

It's not easy to leave when you have your DC stable home to consider and you have a long, shared history with someone, who on the whole has been a good person.

When people say 'nothing really happened', they mean that their partner didn't actually sleep with someone else, but did behave in a way that wasn't appropriate.

bairn24 · 25/10/2010 21:49

Agree karma, it's not on, all I'm saying is that texting and emailing can get a bit out of hand, but doesn't necessarily mean he's being unfaithful in the literal sense - not that being emotionally involved is less hurtful, but probably easier to move on from.

ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 21:52

bairn, an emotional affair is not always easier to "move on from" than a physical affair

it very much depends on the individual

GreatGreenArkleseziure · 25/10/2010 22:03

i dont put kisses on work emails to colleagues, but i do if sending emails to those i am on my course (through work)with. admittedly there are 3 females and one gay man out of 6 close friends, i put kisses to the 2 straight blokes 'cos it seems rude not to. (i am happily married and so are they)

Original poster
Saro · 25/10/2010 23:00

Another thing is that I believe he will lie and cover the affair, especially if he knows I have read the old emails, but I might have to snoop some more, but I am a wreck, and he does not seem to notice at all

OP posts:
MellowToday · 25/10/2010 23:41

Hi Saro - I've been here too. I never found any email or text evidence, but he was cheating for years.

Your DH probably isn't cheating, but either way he may well change the password to his email account once you've confronted him, so before you do I'd set his email so that each one he receives is cc'd to your email address. He won't think to check for it, and it might give you the evidence you need if he denies an affair.

I do this with my work email to my private email so I'm sure it will be possible, technically speaking.

Good luck.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 26/10/2010 00:01

try reposting in relationships topic, you will get a lot of help there. WhenWillifeelNormal is a brilliant poster whoe helps a lot. i hope this works out ok for you and there is nothing to really worry about, but if not, MN is here for you.

ChippingIn · 26/10/2010 01:02

Sorry to hear that you are going through this, it is truely shite.

I wouldn't confront him yet as then he will be on his guard, I'd give him enough rope to hang himself first. Keep checking his emails/phone until you feel more sure - either way. Right now you don't have much, it would be easy for him to deny & you would alert him to the fact you are checking.

As others have said, Relationships is a good board - if I were you I would ask MN to move this thread there. If you leave it here, it wont be pretty.

:(

bairn24 · 26/10/2010 12:03

Dementedma, don't want to go into what happened, just that I saw a different side to DH, and I will never take him for granted again like I did before.
Saro - if you haven't any firm proof, and you are convinced he will lie then maybe you do just need to bide your time. But if this has been going on for months, surely it would have developed by now? And if he's no idea you are looking at his stuff you would probably have found something to confirm your suspicions. Maybe it is above board - that doesn't make it acceptable though IF it upsets you.

maddy68 · 26/10/2010 12:55

You could be barking up the wrong tree entirely here, my best mate at work is a bloke and We text everyday I always add xxxxx to the end as I do on the end of texts to anyone tbh.
I am happily married and certainly not having an affair so do be careful as if my Husband questioned this I would not be happy with him at all!

kenobi · 26/10/2010 13:45

Am with mothersuperior and demented - kisses and love do not necessarily mean anything.

I put kisses on my emails, I get kisses back on my emails. I call one of my male colleagues honey and another gorgeous. It helps me get what I want from them as they can both be difficult - flirting and flattery oils the path of my work day. I would rather swallow my own tongue than sleep with either of them, although I'm quite fond of them both.

So, I'm going to put another side, and suggest benefit of the doubt. She may have been having a hard time at work or in her home life and your DH might have been proffering advice. They've stayed friends since and there is an emotional connection but not one that threatens your relationship.
I'm not really of the 'all men are bastards' school of thought. If you trust your DH and he hasn't noticeably changed his habits or the way he behaves towards you, it could well all be innocent.

Fingers crossed you sort it all out.

xxx

Original poster
Saro · 28/10/2010 07:37

Kenobi, you may be right and I would love to give DH benefit of the doubt, but he does pay her lots of compliments in the emails, and I was about 6 months pregnant then. I cannot remember getting much in the way of compliments, and our sex life was not great (I just was not up for much), so I think I may have contributed, and he certainly does not mention much of her to me.

OP posts:
constantlytired · 31/10/2010 18:59

bump

Heracles · 01/11/2010 00:58

This is why you shouldn't read other people's stuff as it's always context-free.

Now you've seen it you've two choices:

learn not to snoop and to trust your husband

or

tell him what you've done and ask him if anything's going on.

missnevermind · 01/11/2010 01:29

Mellowtoday - how do you do the cc thing?
Will they really not be able to tell that you have done it?

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