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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to share my children with my husband

28 replies

Iknowmysisterwillreadthis · 24/10/2010 09:54

Have name changed because ( see name)
We have been together 10 years, have 4 children under 7.
For their whole lives i have done everything for them, every nappy change, 99.99 % of feeds, planned everything etc you get the point. My relationship with mu husband is not great. No point going into it but this morning is an example he had a tantrum because i didn't want sex ended up with him storming off etc so me and the kids alone again.

I know if I ever left him he would want the kids overnight, for holidays and ( horror) for christmas even though he spends no time now and couldn't care less about special occasions.

Aibu to stay for the simple reason i don't want to share my children after 7 years of not having to.

OP posts:

Thistledew · 24/10/2010 09:57

It's not about what you or your husband want, it's about your children's right to know and have a relationship with their father. Surely you know that?

Tootlesmummy · 24/10/2010 09:57

Sorry but yes if it impacts on the children with you staying. No otherwise!

Do you really want to live in a relationship like this though even if it meant having to share a little bit. Also, given his hands off approach just now why do you think he'd want them?

winnybella · 24/10/2010 09:59

YABU.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship?

Do you want your children to grow up with parents that are not happy together?

He's their father and the children would have a right to spend time with him.

It wouldn't be not about you. "Sharing' children- they're not objects, fgs.

pithyslicker · 24/10/2010 09:59

I'm sure if you really wanted to you could stop him from seeing the children-not exactly in their best interests though is it?

And Dads have been known to change and become more involved after a split.

booooooooooyhoo · 24/10/2010 10:07

surely if he wanted to become involved that would be a good thing for the children OP? you would be very selfish not to allow that to happen. staying in the marriage isn't something i could do but if you think it is best for your dcs then who am i to say?

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 24/10/2010 10:10

I understand WHY you feel like this but yes you know that you are being unreasonable.

Original poster

Iknowmysisterwillreadthis · 24/10/2010 10:11

I don't want to stop him from seeing them that's the point if i wasn't living with him then i realise they would have to spend time with him. I know he would want them because he has told me as much.

I don't think of my children as objects but I do value every day of our time together as i have no other family left alive ( apart from one sister who is not close). The thought of only seeing them half the time or sitting alone at christmas terrifies me.

I am not unhappy as such, we hardly ever actually argue - mainly because we never really see each other.

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 10:12

Perhaps, for the DC, leaving your X would be the best thing.

Then if he were to enforce equal share of contact, perhaps he's actually HAVE a relationship with them, as he'd actually have to DO SOMETHING....

Same boat as you, it maddens me.

Only 'consolation' with me is that 'H' wouldn't be bothered to have DS, and would go back to the pit from whence he was spawned and this in itself would rule out sharing custody.

Seriously though, Iknow, I dare say you have been on here long enough to know that staying for any reason other than you are happy to do so is detrimental to the DC, and teaches them that the man is useless, entitled and lazy.

You owe it to yourself first and foremost, and to those lovely DC, to be happy.

JoBettany · 24/10/2010 10:13

Absolutely pithyslicker! Sometimes men can allow the mother to do everything when they are together but get a massive reality check on separation and really step up to it.

Or...do what my ex-p did and find someone else to look after his children for him!! At least in my DS's case he got a stepmother who really, really loves him so it turned out okay. .

I don't think it's all about sharing, I think it's about love and knowing that your parents love you whether they are together or not.

I don't know if YABU staying with your husband, only you can say. It was the loneliest feeling in the world for me being in an extremely unhappy relationship. Now I am happy but I can't vouch exactly for what my DS thinks about it.

I hope and pray he is okay with it all and he certainly appears to be a happy, confident boy.

It's a minefield!

I am so sorry to hear that you are so unhappy. I can remember the feeling well and can actually feel my chest tightening thinking about it!

I hope you can find a resolution to a truly distressing situation.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 10:14

sorry, meant leaving your H (dunno how that happened!!)

fedupofnamechanging · 24/10/2010 10:22

If you are not actively unhappy, then I see no harm in riding it out until the DCs are grown, so long as you realise that you are actively choosing this as a way of life and it will limit the time you have available to meet someone who does make you happy. I wouldn't want to be away from my DC either so can understand why you consider this to be a valid choice.

I would try though to get my DH to spend more time with the DC now, because it would be better for all concerned if they had a proper relationship. I would also try to do something to improve my relationship with my DH. If you stay, you are going to be in this situation for a long time. Worth trying to make the best of it if you can and if he is not a complete git.

booooooooooyhoo · 24/10/2010 10:32

what does not actively unhappy mean?

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 10:36

"sitting alone at christmas terrifies me."

And who says you'll be alone for long?????

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 10:38

You have FOUR DC under 7.... he has had no involvement in doing anything for them...

What makes you think he'd have them ALL at once??? EVERY time?

Seriously, sit and think what YOU want for your DC, a suffering mum, or someone they see laugh and love and be loved?

fedupofnamechanging · 24/10/2010 10:38

I mean that if you are in a relationship where you get along with each other okay for the most part. It's not wildly exciting, but it's not terrible either. It's okay.

It'a a choice. Does the OP want to be with her DC 24/7 more than she wants the chance to find someone who does make her happy?

booooooooooyhoo · 24/10/2010 10:39

ah right, thanks. i couldn't work out what i would have to do to be active in my unhappiness

ApocalypseCheese · 24/10/2010 10:40

Meh.

Mssoul · 24/10/2010 10:45

Oh dear YABU. Sounds like a pretty sad situation. Presumably you had something in common when you married him them had 4 kids with him?

Maybe some time without the kids (a few days) would be good to help you get your head straight?

borderslass · 24/10/2010 10:50

looking back to when our kids where small I probably felt the same when you have young children your life belongs to them, once ours got older we got some spark back and I wasn't as tired admittedly we can never leave DS[16] alone but DD1 comes and allows us to have time away now. Christmas is now a lonely time as DH is a self employed taxi driver and that's one of his busiest times and once your kids are teenagers they wont want to spend all day with you anyway.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 24/10/2010 10:53

YOu say he had a tantrum and stormed off - does he do this often? Because living with a parent who tantrums and behaves badly to the point that everyone else in the house has to think constantly about indulging that parent to minimize the tantrums, is not good.

HeadlessPrinceBilly · 24/10/2010 11:03

YABU for getting to a point where he does nothing for them. Did you ever let him be involved? You do sound quite controlling and you have to admit your own large part in creating this situation.

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 11:44

Hold on headless, the doing FA can be down to him...

My H is bone idle, and it IS one of the reasons DS is an only child....

How is OP to blame for H not stepping up?

RunawayPumpkin · 24/10/2010 11:51

For Gods sake grow up

LittleMissHissyFangs · 24/10/2010 11:56

bumpsoon · 24/10/2010 12:28

You have four children under 7 years and your relationship isnt brilliant ,really . You could start by telling him that men who tantrum are a major turn off . Did you want him to help with any of the children ? its just that i know i sort of do everything as regards the children ,but then rarely ask for help ?

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