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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my DH should be allowed to stay with me overnight after the birth of our baby?

41 replies

immortalbeloved · 23/10/2010 15:30

Ok I am already in my flameproof suitGrin

I know this has been done before, and having had babies before I actually agree that partners are not allowed to stay so that other mums can have some rest/privacy but.....

AIBU to expect 'special' treatment (well not really special just different). I am pregnant at the moment but I am also disabled, and from the comments I've had at the hospital you would think it was impossible to be both Hmm

I would like my DH to be able to stay with me as he is my full time carer, I cannot do anything physical without help (use the toilet/wash/dress/shower etc) let alone take care of a newborn too. I was hoping for a private room so that the toilet/shower was closer and so that maybe he can stay without disturbing anybody.

They have told me that I will be on the ward (which is not going to be easy for me but I accept their reasons) but also that DH cannot stay apart form normal 'dad' visiting times. Again I could accept this if there would be someone there to help me but they apparently 'can't guarantee that as we are very short staffed on the postnatal wards'

So what on earth am I meant to do Sad I am going to be in for a least a week as baby will probably need SCBU care, I can just see me ending up in an awful state not being able to make it to the bathroom or to be able to wash and change

SO what do you think is it a reasonable request? Should I push it further or just suck it up?

OP posts:
nancydrewrocked · 23/10/2010 15:36

In the circumstances you need to push this further. IME (and probably most others) the MW's on the postnatal ward don't have any time to devote to caring for mothers let alone those with special needs.

You need to speak to your consultant )who presumably is well aware of your physical limitations and get his/her assistance with a plan for what will happen when you are admitted.

Just to note though just because your baby is in SCBU doesn't mean you have to remain an inpatient. You will only be "kept in" for as long as it is medically necessary for you.

Lauriefairycake · 23/10/2010 15:36

I would push it further but I would also act reasonably ie. wash and change when your dh is there so that the nurses have to deal with the important stuff like toileting you.

I'd probably get my GP to write a medical note for the ward so that it is recorded that you will need extra help.

I don't have any other good suggestions - someone else will.

Good luck Smile

scaryjane · 23/10/2010 15:36

YANBU

Have you contacted PALS? What does your community midwife say? You surely can't be the first disabled lady to give birth at the hospital - what have they done in previous situations?? I thought scenarios such as yours were the reason for private rooms!

Def push it!!

DaisySteiner · 23/10/2010 15:38

If you require 1 to 1 care for normal daily activities, it is not acceptable for them to leave you to fend for yourself on the postnatal ward. Are you planning a vaginal birth or planned c-section? I do know of at least one case where additional bank shifts were made available for health care assistants to care for a disabled woman postnatally so that she could be guaranteed sufficient care.

I would be kicking up a real stink about this right now. Do you have a social worker? Can they intervene on your behalf? If not, then try contacting PALS at your local hospital.

Firawla · 23/10/2010 15:39

can they not place you in a private room together with your dh? you seem like you have a valid need for that and they do have private rooms normally for those kind of situations? so i would try to inquire with them a bit further about that. sometimes you have to pay for them, but would that be an option at all or cant afford it? (it may work out quite dear if you are in for a week i think as charges per day..) i heard sometimes they will give them free though

LilRedWG · 23/10/2010 15:39

After seeing the title of the thread I came on here ready to tell you to get a grip and deal, but I can totally see where you are coming from.

Have you tried talking to PALS? Explain to them that if DH cannot stay with you (offer to pay fro a private room) then you will need the NHS to provide a full-time carer to assist you.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby.

Vallhalloween · 23/10/2010 15:41

YANBU in wanting your DH to be there but I suppose it's understandable that he can't be.

Either way you will need care, that's what's important. I'd have thought that you'd be offered that care in the same sort of way that a mother who's just had a caeasarian section would. Admittedly a woman who's had a section 24 hours earlier won't need help whilst in the loo but she'll need help getting to it and so on.

There's provision for that sort of assistance within a maternity unit so why the hell can't the hospital provide sufficient help for you?

I'd be inclined to contact PALS in advance to ensure that problems don't arise rather than waiting til they do.

scaryjane · 23/10/2010 15:44

and I don't think you should offer to pay for the private room (in this case private meaning personal). They are free when they are necessary (eg ladies suffering loss / twins ).

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/10/2010 15:45

I had an emergency CS with DS1 and they were short staffed - I was given very little help (I am not disabled).

I think you should press for treatment which is commensurate with your needs.

sarah293 · 23/10/2010 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 23/10/2010 15:45

maybe this group radar can help, or they would certainly know the right person who could

Original poster
immortalbeloved · 23/10/2010 15:47

Thank you thank you for the replies so far, I was expecting to be told IABU, I feel a little less mad now Smile

It was at my consultant appointment that I was told this which is what worried me, it confused me as well because they have been pretty good with giving me extra help while I'm pregnant (such as home midwife visits) so I was surprised they wouldn't help with the postnatal side of things

I am (all being well) having a vaginal birth, and baby will be kept in for 5-7 ish days and they have said I can stay in too as I will be excl bf which I'm very grateful for

The reason I asked if DH could stay with me is that I thought it would be easier for them, I know how short staffed they are. As I say though what is really really worrying me is that I will have to just ring the bell when I need help and hope someone has time to help me Sad

I don't have a social worker but I do have an occupational therapist who is fantastic- would it be worth asking her for advice do you think?

OP posts:
trafficwarden · 23/10/2010 15:47

From my point of view (Midwife) I think it would make sense for the hospital to find you a single room and allow your husband to stay and care for you as he normally does. Different if there were enough staff to provide the extra care you require. I have helped care for a woman with your situation and we gave her the large room with double bed normally used for those who were rooming in prior to taking babies home after a long time in NICU. Worked for us, they were very grateful and it took some pressure off the staff. Can you ask the hospital if they have a similar room? And yes, take it further - Midwife Consultant or Director of Midwifery.

JamieLeeCurtis · 23/10/2010 15:48

Yes, get anyone you can on your side

Original poster
immortalbeloved · 23/10/2010 15:51

Sorry loads of x-posts there!

Ok so it seems that PALS would be the way to go then. That's great at least I know now that I'm not being a difficult nightmare so I'll be able to stand my ground a bit more

Thank you all Smile

OP posts:
sozzledchops · 23/10/2010 15:54

take it further. The cubicles on the wards were tiny, especially if you need help etc. The after birth care was non existent where we were so i think they would be grateful to have your husband there to help you and under the circumstances should try and provide a private room.

DrMcDreamy · 23/10/2010 15:55

Another midwife here saying what you are requesting seems completely reasonable, in fact we have had women in your situation stay with partners before and you're right, it takes a massive burden from the midwifery staff. I'd be inclined to get your community midwife onside and get her to liase with midwifery staff in the hospital in getting arrangements made.

I suspect that the consultant that gave you this information hasn't a clue how things work on the ward and just trotted out the party line re DH's not being allowed to stay (which in normal circs is completely understandable).

Take this further, ask to speak to the head of midwifery, state your point of view alongside your (very valid)concerns, on our PN wards, private rooms are in demand but we have been known to block them off when we know a woman in your circs is labouring and we will need that room, it is one of the reasons they are there imho.

Original poster
immortalbeloved · 23/10/2010 15:57

On a slightly more unreasonable note, if I had the choice I would much prefer DH to be the one caring for me Blush

I know I should be grateful for any help I might get (and I will be honestly) but I find it so difficult to ask for help, I hate needing it and DH knows my needs so well he makes everything easy for me

But as I say I know that on this point IADBU Grin

OP posts:
AuraofDora · 23/10/2010 16:03

hope you get this sorted, it's not right you should have him there

Mishy1234 · 23/10/2010 16:03

My goodness, of course YANBU!

Like you say, the rules are there for a reason but under the circumstances of course you must have your DH there with you. If I was a lady on the same ward as you, I would completely understand and be happy for your DH to be there.

I think you do need to push further and I won't add to the already excellent suggestions from other posters, but I do hope you get your request granted and indeed a single room if at all possible.

Original poster
immortalbeloved · 23/10/2010 16:03

Eeek sorry more xposts

So I'm thinking now I should speak to community midwife or head of midwives first then maybe PALS afterwards if no luck?

I'm just so relieved that this may be fixable, I know it sounds bad but if I'm honest I've been in tears ever since my appointment a few days ago about the thought of being left on my own on a ward with no help Blush

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 23/10/2010 16:04

Another midwife here saying yanbu.

duchesse · 23/10/2010 16:14

Just a thought but do they have parent rooms attached to the SCBU? They do at the RD&E in Exeter and both parents can stay in while their baby is in the neonatal unit. Everything was on site including breast pumps etc. It seemed very very well designed. As soon as you were fit to leave post natal, you and DH could move into rooms like those.

LilRedWG · 23/10/2010 16:16

Consultants often know little of how the midwives would react IME. Good luck.

loftylorrie · 23/10/2010 17:02

Oh, poor you =( Because me and DS were in hospital for so long we were moved into a private room, but DP was still only allowed to stay 9-9. Maybe your circumstances will be different though, and I very much hope so.

Make sure you speak to every midwife that comes through, hopefully you'll catch a nice one Grin

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