To think that my DH should be allowed to stay with me overnight after the birth of our baby?

[immortalbeloved]

Ok I am already in my flameproof suit

I know this has been done before, and having had babies before I actually agree that partners are not allowed to stay so that other mums can have some rest/privacy but.....

AIBU to expect 'special' treatment (well not really special just different). I am pregnant at the moment but I am also disabled, and from the comments I've had at the hospital you would think it was impossible to be both

I would like my DH to be able to stay with me as he is my full time carer, I cannot do anything physical without help (use the toilet/wash/dress/shower etc) let alone take care of a newborn too. I was hoping for a private room so that the toilet/shower was closer and so that maybe he can stay without disturbing anybody.

They have told me that I will be on the ward (which is not going to be easy for me but I accept their reasons) but also that DH cannot stay apart form normal 'dad' visiting times. Again I could accept this if there would be someone there to help me but they apparently 'can't guarantee that as we are very short staffed on the postnatal wards'

So what on earth am I meant to do I am going to be in for a least a week as baby will probably need SCBU care, I can just see me ending up in an awful state not being able to make it to the bathroom or to be able to wash and change

SO what do you think is it a reasonable request? Should I push it further or just suck it up?

YADNBU.

One of my friends is tetraplegic, he was in hospital for two weeks last year and his PA was allowed in to help him from about 6.00 in the morning till about 11 at night. He didn't have a private room, but the PA had to be around the whole time or he wouldn't have been able to do anything at all. The nurses were able to look after him well overnight when they weren't so busy with other things. So it can be done, although I would understand if they said not overnight.

ok, if you have a normal delivery but need to stay in is there any chance you could be moved to another ward? When DH was very poorly they told me I didnt have to stick to visiting times and he had a private room. He didnt need me to care for him in the same way you need help. I would def take it further and stick to your guns x

YANBU

I'm disabled, though not needing as much care you from the sound of it. I had my baby by elective c section 7 weeks ago. I spent one night on the post op ward where there are a lot of midwives on hand so that was fine, second night I had a private room with accessible bathroom and DH had campbed on the floor. Didn't have to pay since it was considered necessary, they do normally charge for private rooms.

Most of the way through my pregnancy I was told no chance of DH staying, it wasn't 'till the hospital tour during antenatal classes that I was finally told he could stay. I suspect you've just not spoken to the right person yet, in my case it was the ward manager's decision, that may be a good place to start. You definitely need to push, they obviously can't leave you without adequate care, sometimes you really need to spell things out to people, if you find you're getting nowhere fast start writing letters. Good luck.

YOU SAY YOU Have a good occupational therapist? Ask her to contact your midwife, and arrange to do a joint visit with you,her/him and midwife to the ward where you will be going to. You will be able to jointly identify the problems you may have and work out a strategy for overcoming these. The OT can then write a report with these points on, copy for you,copy on your notes, and it should make your stay easier for all.
I am an OT so its nice to hear you have a good one!!

I am a hospital doc (not obstetrics / gynae) and we frequently have patients carers staying in with them (people with learning difficulties / dementia / psych probs more commonly than physical disabilities but don't see why that should be any different.

I think you should push for your dh to stay with you. It makes perfect sense on so many levels.

Good luck!

As a midwife on a postnatal ward, I would be insisting your dh did stay!!!

I am often looking after 10-15 mums and babies, and wouldn't physically have the time to give you the care you need (much as I would like to!)

I work at an excruciatingly busy, short staffed teaching hospital, and we have specially designed rooms for disabled mums, complete with facilities for dh/carer to stay over. I can't believe other hospitals have absolutely no facilities, that's ridiculous (not to mention discriminatory....)

You could ask your GP to refer you to an Occupational Therapist, if you're not in touch with one already, who can make recommendations to the ward staff regarding your care.

Failing that, ask to be put in touch with the local supervisor of midwives. You have a right to appropriate care. If the staff cannot provide it, then they MUST let your dh stay in order to provide it.

Don't back down!!!

there may be two sets of people to deal with here - you may be on a ward just after the birth, it may be slightly harder to get permission for DH to stay, but keep trying.
however, you could be discharged from the ward and allowed to 'room in' in SCBU. where i was, they normally allow both parents to use guest rooms for a day or so to get used to the baby before they go home, but i was allowed to stay there for nearly two weeks, and i'm not even disabled - just was post caesarian, and lived a long way from the hospital. DH stayed overnight on several nights, no problem.

Definitely push it (another OT here). I would even suggest that they probably have a responsiblity under the DDA (warning: not an expert in the law) to make appropriate provision for you - if that means either providing the care that you need or facilitating your carer staying with you, then they must find a way to do it.

Don't take no for an answer (tho' I think you need to be prepared to accept alternatives to your dh staying with you provided your needs will be met).

I just wanted to come back to say thank you again, really, your responses have helped more than I can say

I feel so much happier now about getting this sorted out (now I know IANBU)my DH would also like to thank you all, he's been worrying too, he can't bear the thought of 'abandoning' me, daft sod

Im going to try and sort out a plan of action with the midwives and I'll ring my OT too (she really is fab)then if no joy I'll try the head of midwives/PALS until I can get some help

I am happy to accept any help they might offer, I'm always grateful for anything people do to help (have I mentioned I hate needing help! )but my DH has said he will sleep in the car outside the hospital and pop in to help me whenever I call which is very sweet but hopefully we'll have a better offer of help than that

YANBU. Before I read the post I was going to say that you should have the baby somewhere supportive of dads staying overnight (like the birth centre where i had DS2) but having read your post I think you need to push this with the consultant. its not appropriate for you to be on the ward - too short staffed for proper care.

Oh, best of luck, May I suggest that when you get an agreement with the ward manager/head of midwifery, that you get it in writing? Just that I've had various informal agreements that weren't communicated to the right people

Its somthing that seems to be relatively unheard of, certianly in our hospital -pregant woman having other needs unrelatd to child birth/pregnancy.

I have debated this regularly (and sympathetic to Health carers) but was gutted when I was in hospital. ad emergency C section and was in about a week. I missed meals as I was unable to carry my tray and was told sveral times that I 'SHould be healed emough to do that for yourself'. There were other issues like not being able to get out of bed becasue pf my arms etc.

I really think there should be a more thorough assessment o need at booking appointment rather than assumptions made pureply on pregnancy and childbirth. Especially in your case where more care is required. I mean - surely its a win win to have a patient bring in their own 24 hour care?

Also had lady opposite me who was unable to read and was given leaflets about her baby in SBCU and about ear tests (she held leaflets while I read!).

Both of us asked for help butwere judged on our medical charts rather than as a whole.,

I suggested that perhaps a flag up could be made at boking appointment. My needs for exampe are not that great - I can;t lift things so needed baby to be lifted to me to feed. After that I was fine. I needded my meal tray to be carried for me, and I needed more time to get up for the toilet. ALso can;t write so writing my name and addres on bounty stuff was impossible much to the amazement of my midwife ("but birth doesn;t effect your hands...")

Also, I dn;t think its fair on midwives to have to deliver care unrelated to why we are in that ward. Durely other systems need to be put in place (e.g. a bed for your DH)

Will be interested to see how this goes. I am hoping for our next litle one I will fel lesslike I;m bugging people and more like I have a plan in place that is just matter of fact... if that makes sense.

YANBU Good luck and congratulations.

whilst not technically "disabled" when i had DD i was in crutches and a wheelchair for long trips, i.e. more than 10 yards. Due to my problems i had a planned C/S. I was on the main ward (never again its £150pn but worth it) and the staff where very good with DD but with me they were quite bad. I had the c/s wound but also could not walk with out my crutches or bear much weight. I would have been fucked without my mum. She helped me in and out of the bath etc Every visiting period she helped me to the toilet and as embarrassing as it is gave my downstairs a good clean as i couldn't even stand long enough to do it myself.

speak again with the hospital, but if there are still being wankers then ask visitors to come half an hour after the start of visiting time or leave half an hour earlier and get DH to help you do the needful and if stuck when he is not there keep pressing the button until someone comes and help you and if there are nasty write a letter of complaint via a solicitor.

Just wanted to thank you all again and give a little update...

I managed to speak to my fab OT who has assured me that I will have whatever care I need, she seemed very cross about the whole situation

I also spoke to a hospital based midwife who said they they would try and get extra healthcare assistants to help with my care needs (though both my OT and the midwife said it would all be much easier if I had a planned early section but I really want to avoid that if I can)

So in a few weeks we are going to go on a tour of the ward with the ward manager and my OT and work out a plan (and maybe arrange it so I can get a private room which would be fantastic)

I am feeling so much better about things, and thanks for all the supportive replies, it meant I had the push I needed to not let this drop

I'm so glad you're feeling more supported in this now immortal. Well done for pressing on.

For my second birth when I was disabled and coping with major life trauma, my community midwife was given permission to come to the hospital to be with us for the birth. She stayed through two days, going home to sleep then back first thing in the morning, and didn't leave till 11pm the second night. Dh was allowed to stay the whole time. We had a private room in antenatal, with sofa-bed for dh. Post-natal we had a room with two proper beds and a cot between us.

In other words, exceptions can be made if the will is there. Good luck with it all.