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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was it right for this woman to overlook the fact her son bit mine

78 replies

Eve4Walle · 22/10/2010 08:21

...hard enough to draw blood.

Yesterday at soft play, boy probably a few months younger than my 2.9 year old DS, came up to my DS and tried to bite him, twice! The first time, DS ran off, but the second time, the boy bit him on the arm. DS hardly ever cries but he was sobbing and when I looked, his arm was bleeding. The other boys mother saw it all but scooped her son up and rushed over to the other side of the room before I could say anything.

Should I have said something? I wasn't sure I'd be able to speak rationally so I let it go but now I wish I'd addressed it.

I understand that toddlers sometimes bite but if mine had done it, I'd at least have said sorry to the child and mother involved....

Soft play really is the work of the devil. [hhmm]

OP posts:
Original poster
Eve4Walle · 22/10/2010 14:00

I don't want people to agree with me, I just don't like feeling that it's all my fault for being upset that another child bit my son. Seriously, how would you feel? Upset I should expect.

I was very restrained and did not say anything at all! This is a typical AIBU response in my opinion.

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/10/2010 14:05

Bloody hell what is with people it's not called "post on here if you all want to agree with me". FFS it's called AIBU and some people will agree with you and some won't stop throwing your toys out of the pram.

jonesy71 · 22/10/2010 14:06

Yes it is Eve, and don't believe that you would have got any different outside of AIBU - some mners cruise the other boards to see if there's anyone else they can tell they are being unreasonable too, you know, just while they're at it.

lovechoc · 22/10/2010 14:07

Yes I would also be upset if DS had been bitten - normal reaction. Ofcourse! But you also have to see it from the other parent's POV too. Just put it down to a bad experience (and I avoid soft play like the plague) and move on.

Some children do bite but there's reasons behind it for some of them. They can't always verbally express how they feel so they bite. It's frustration. Not an excuse but still it's good to know that not every child that bites it just a wee devil!

AnnieLoBOOseder · 22/10/2010 14:27

I would have been upset at one of the DDs being bitten, but only because they were distressed. I wouldn't have been angry with the other child, and only mildly peeved at the other mother for scarpering without an apology.

You would have got a lot more sympathy if you hadn't mentioned wanting to scream at the other mother.

GoreRenewed · 22/10/2010 14:34

I know there wasn't. I was suggesting that being afraid of your reaction would have been a reason why she skidaddled and didn't hang around to apologise.

JamieLeeCurtis · 22/10/2010 14:41

I have a son that used to bite, given the chance, and another who got bitten.

You must apologise to the child who has been bitten and their parent, FIRST, then deal with the perpetrator, even if you feel terribly mortified (as you do)

JamieLeeCurtis · 22/10/2010 14:44

... And I agree with others that biting is common and normal and not a sign of a terrible child or poor parenting.

But the parent not apologising (I don't think toddller's apologies mean an awful lot) is bad manners and setting a poor example.

I think some parents of children who bite a lot are som embarrassed and wish it wasn't happening that they go into a sort of denial and even try to minimise the impact of it

JamieLeeCurtis · 22/10/2010 14:46

And lastly - I took the OP to mean Eve was upset with the mother for not apologising, rather than for her child biting.

emy72 · 22/10/2010 14:59

Yes I have been on both sides of the fence - and although I was mortified when my DS1 bit another child at soft play....I went to the grandma and apologised profusely, made sure the bitten child was ok and offered help in getting a cold press/a drink.

She was fuming with me and kept tutting under her breath, but at least I felt I did the right thing.

Biting IS normal toddler behaviour ime and no matter how much telling off you do it just seems to have to take its own course with some children.

My DS1 who was a biter is now the loveliest, sweetes 4 year old - and wouldn't hurt a fly.

Tootlesmummy · 22/10/2010 15:03

Eve, I'm with you and I would have been furious (as I would have been with my DS if he did that to another child). I would have gone over to the other mother and said something.

Biting is something children seem to do however, as others have said the mother should have apologised.

It is amazing how ignorant people can be.

BrigitBigKnickers · 22/10/2010 15:06

Oh God how I remember this sort of scene when DD2 was little. Surprised she hasn't turned out to be a vampire!

I remember one occasion (at a soft play) where a child took her dummy out and DD (aged about 2 at the time)bit her. It happened so quickly I didn't have a chance to stop her.[hblush]

I was absolutely mortified but I did take her over to the mum and child to apologise. Think it was a bit off for this mum you encountered to have walked off without saying anything!

booooooooooyhoo · 22/10/2010 15:07

why would you be angry taht a toddler bit your son? who were you angry at?

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/10/2010 15:07

Biting is normal, but so is apologising when your child bites a complete stranger. YANBU, she should have said sorry once she'd removed him initially.

JamieLeeCurtis · 22/10/2010 15:11

My son bit my other son on the face once, nearly drawing blood and leaving a big circular mark. Even though I obviously love both my sons, I felt absolutely furious with the biter, and almost physically sick at the sight of the bite.

Thank God that stage is over with!

Serendippy · 22/10/2010 15:15

You don't know that the mother didn't talk to her child about his behaviour once she had whisked him away. Agree that she should have apologised or made her son do so, but also agree that she may have been mortified and thought that the best thing to do would be to get her ds out of the situation.
YANBU to want an apology but please don't assume that the mum just lets her child do this without any repercussions.

GoreRenewed · 22/10/2010 15:41

It's quite simple.

Yes she should have apologised. But she didn't possibly because:

  1. she was a bit of cowbag who didn't care.
  2. She was mortified and afraid of your reaction (and judging by the fact you thought she should have been prepared to take a telling off from you I'm not entirely surprised).

FWIW when other children have behaved badly towards mine I would have been too busy checking they were OK and being grateful it wasn't the other way round to be angry and tear a strip off the parent in charge. In fact it wouldn't have occurred to me to do so. I regard the incomprehensible behaviour of small children more in the light of an 'act of God' than anything else - ie like shit, it happens, and you do your best to cope with it and try to ensure it doesn't happen again.

thesecondcoming · 22/10/2010 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DancingHippoOnAcid · 22/10/2010 16:23

YANBU.

An apology should have been given to your DD. Not to do so makes it seem to her that it was OK for this DC to hurt her.

If the other Dc was not old enough to apologise the mother should have done it.

If it happened to one of my DCs I would expect the other mother to do this.

I would not be angry with the mother or the DC if they apologised, after all it is something that a lot of toddlers do and does not mean thay are evil!

I would be angry if the mother just scarpered like this though as it is disrespectful.

Would not follow them and tell them off though as it could get a bit ugly.

Give your DD lots of hugs and let her know that this kind of behaviour is NOT OK.

DancingHippoOnAcid · 22/10/2010 16:26

lovechoc - the other mother may have been mortified (I would have been) but it was wrong of her not to face up to it and apologise.

However, if the other mother started to give me a mouthful after I apologised I would walk away immediately as she would be unreasonable.

Sassybeast · 22/10/2010 16:28

Her reaction suggests that her child has bitten before. Therfore, she should have been on his back like a hawk. YANBU. It's a highly emotive subject and I don't buy into the school of thought which classifies repeated and continued biting as 'normal'. she should have apologised and you would have been perefectly justified in being annoyed.

wotnochocs · 22/10/2010 16:34

I think at the very least she should have expressed concern for your DS and told her own child off and made him apologise.Not sure why people think she should apologise herself unless she bit your DS too

smallwhitecat · 22/10/2010 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DancingHippoOnAcid · 22/10/2010 16:44

wotnochocs - I would expect the mother to apologise if her DC did not have the language skills to say it themselves.

Would also expect the mother to express concern and make sure the bitten child is OK just because that is what a decent person would do if a child is hurt.

scaryteacher · 22/10/2010 17:07

Very simple remedy for dealing with biters - bite back. My ds didn't bite again after I nipped him hard with my teeth.