AIBU to have rung the other mum?

[clemetteattlee]

DD (year 1) has been having some trouble with one of her friends. They are both big personalities and the other girl is idolised by all the girls in the class. Every day they all fall out and various people are "not friends" with others. Until this week DD has been OK with it all and has taken it in her stride, but this week she has been crying a lot and saying she wishes that she could just do want she wanted rather than having to do as she is told by the other girl.
Anyway, this morning I found some Match Attack cards in her pocket and when I asked where they were from she told me she had been "ordered" to steal them from a year 6 when he was playing football. She said she had to do it to stay friends with the other girl (and by default all the girls in the class).
I was so cross with her because she should know better than to pinch things but when I tried to mention it to the teacher in the playground I burst into tears in front of everyone .

Anyway, I calmed down a bit and then decided I had to phone the other mum. I made it very clear that my DD may well have been equally to blame, or may have even just be passing the buck, but that I think we need to keep an eye on it. She was really upset (although said she understood why I had rung) but now I am left wondering whether I should have just left it for school to deal with.
So, AIBU? Do you talk to other parents if there is an issue between your young children?

I would and have in the past. I do think it depends on how reactive the school are. Our dd's last one was abysmal and everything got put on hold so in the long run it was quicker if i sorted it out.

unless the other Mum is a very good friend, I really think it's best to let the school deal with it

having said that, it does sound as though the other Mum reacted relatively well to the call, so hopefully it's helped

oh dear its Yr 1, if you get involved and cry everytime your DD has a falling out, then you are going to seriously be in a state.

I have always tried to stay out of the playground politics, and my DD1's class has always been full of it, they are 21 girls and 4 boys, lots of strong girls. I have always tried to let DD1 deal with it herself and not make a big deal out of things. Another mum has always got heavily involved, always ranting about the other girls (including my DD), but her DD is never to blame, she is always talkign to the teachers and the other mums. TBH both her and her DD are now nervous wrecks, and every issue becomes a majot hurdle. the worng thing IMO.

Unless there is serious bullying going on, stay well out!

Depends on the mother really. I think you were right in this situation and the other mother would probably be glad to know what's going on. I'd rather know if it was me. It's probably safer to leave it to the school though (or it is around here anyway) as she could have got really stroppy and made things twice as bad.

If my DC was involved with anything like this that I'd rather know than just bumble along thinking things were great.

How did you get her phone number?

It is only year 1 and they are so little yet. But stealing is stealing and this girl shouldn't be using others to do her dirty work.

Perhaps a class discussion on what makes a good friend?

Umm hold on a sec, we only have on side of the story, and only the Op's say so that the "other girl" "made her steal", I think thats a little unfair, and smacks of "my child wound never do it, it must be someone else's fault"

Are you serious macdoodle? You think a child being ordered to steal by another child is just another little falling out? I hope you're not teaching your children that!

To be fair to macdoodle I didn't mention that in my phone call to the other mum I acknowledged that it was quite possible that my own DD is exaggerating. By no means is she innocent in the whole falling out. These two are close friends and I know the mum well, but I still think it must be a bit gutting to hear what is happening and wondered whether I should have just not mentioned it.

But, for the record, I don't cry whenever they fall out (they all fall out every day), but I think it is reasonable to cry when my daughter has been stealing whether this is at her instigation or someone else's.

Actually I did say in my OP that "I made it very clear that my DD may well have been equally to blame, or may have even just be passing the buck, but that I think we need to keep an eye on it," so I don't think it is fair to say I was denying all responsibility macdoodle...

MadamDS, have picked up DD and the school seem to have handled it pretty well and they have been "playing together like angels" all day.

Yanbu but as a rule of thumb I would suggest letting the school sort it in the first instance and never ever indicate that you believe your child might be at fault unless you are 100% certain and their behaviour in your opinion is a genuine issue with which you feel they need help.

YANBU, and it sounds as if the other mum took it well. I had a similar thing with my dd in P1- lots of crying because X wouldn't let her play, then they were friends again, then not. It's horrid, but in some ways I do think it's important to let them sort it out by themselves, while at the same time letting them talk it through with you, making suggestions etc, so they do know you are there to support them but not to do it for them, if you see what I mean?

as it turns out, P2 went well, but this year dd has had her little group of friends split into other classes, and her and X are back to falling out/in constantly . To make it worse, X's mother is one of the people who is never away from the school, and is fiercely protective of her children, it seems, so I am waiting for that phone call from her, and I really don't want to get involved! I have been talking to dd tonight, in fact, about their latest squabble and how she could possibly have handled it better, and ways of avoiding arguements in the future. I think the most important thing is you talk to your own child (which I'm sure you have done) about the incident, so she understands why you were upset and why it wasn't the right thing to do etc. But not wrong to inform the school, and not wrong to inform the other little girl's mum- if it was my dd, I would prefer someone to come to me than to shop my dd to the school behind my back (but that might just be me!)

Me too, I would be mortified but would rather know.

I would in future leave it up to the school to sort out.

I have never ever phoned other parents when trying to help my kids with a dispute and I can't imagine ever doing so. Rarely a good idea.

i would let school resolve,dont personalise it.they can be more authoritative and less emotionally involved.

Thanks for all the replies. It does seem like there isn't really a consensus?

I wouldn't have phoned the mother. I'm kind of cringeing for you. I understand your upset, God we've been there with so many Match Attax lies and thefts, but this kind of stuff goes on all the time and you and your dd need to learn how to deal with it without so much emotion.

Really though? She is five and stealing, whether coerced or not. I was soooo cross and disappointed that the tears just came when I had to explain to the teacher what happened.