AIBU to have rung the other mum?

[clemetteattlee]

DD (year 1) has been having some trouble with one of her friends. They are both big personalities and the other girl is idolised by all the girls in the class. Every day they all fall out and various people are "not friends" with others. Until this week DD has been OK with it all and has taken it in her stride, but this week she has been crying a lot and saying she wishes that she could just do want she wanted rather than having to do as she is told by the other girl.
Anyway, this morning I found some Match Attack cards in her pocket and when I asked where they were from she told me she had been "ordered" to steal them from a year 6 when he was playing football. She said she had to do it to stay friends with the other girl (and by default all the girls in the class).
I was so cross with her because she should know better than to pinch things but when I tried to mention it to the teacher in the playground I burst into tears in front of everyone .

Anyway, I calmed down a bit and then decided I had to phone the other mum. I made it very clear that my DD may well have been equally to blame, or may have even just be passing the buck, but that I think we need to keep an eye on it. She was really upset (although said she understood why I had rung) but now I am left wondering whether I should have just left it for school to deal with.
So, AIBU? Do you talk to other parents if there is an issue between your young children?

I think you did the right thing .
If I've read correctly ( sorry if mistaken ) you know the other mother .
Why on earth should you hesitate to discuss it with her ?
The school are aware and I'd have thought they'd be glad that every little thing wasn't left to them to sort out .

I agree that a chat with the class teacher might have been better. It's good that you are taking it seriously, though.

However, even normally sensible and angelic children can lie when cornered, so I don't think you can know exactly what went on. Perhaps she instigated it, perhaps she was told to do it, perhaps they cooked it up together and when caught, she pinned it on the friend.

That's why I think your line 'can we keep an eye on them as I don't know what's going on' is the best one, it's about the interaction, not one child making the other 'be bad'.

What are you going to do with regards to the cards? I guess they have to go back with an apology.

The teacher made them both go to the Y6 classroom and give the cards back in front of the whole class (the other girl has admitted telling DD to do it).
I am really pleased at how the school has handled it. They both needed the consequences! But I now realise I might have been able to just trust the school to do it, or at least give myself 24 hours to cool down next time!

YABU. I understand that you don't like your child doing such things, its certainly not acceptable behaviour in anyway. But you hadn't given the school a chance to sort it out before going to the parent. Having been on the receiving end of one of these well meaning calls I would say that you shouldn't have done it. How do you think that parent felt with you saying not particularly nice things about her dd? Leave it to the school.

I probably wouldn't have rang the other mum but would definately have spoke to the school.

I can sympathise with the crying thing, I had to go into school last week and speak to ds's teacher about a potentially serious issue involving another child, and the minute I got into the office I was sobbing like a little girl. Don't know where it came from, think I was so worried about the other child (as well as my own) that my emotions just flooded. I felt such a tit!

I definitely felt like a tit!
rebl, I think that's why I started this thread. I know I would have wanted the phone call but have to accept that not everyone is the same.

Don't feel bad about crying, sometimes we get so worried and het up about our little ones. I felt a bit tearful today talking to my dd2's class teacher and that was about her progress which is fine!

It sounds like the punishment was fitting. You've called the other mum now, and she took it pretty well, so I'd quit while you are ahead and try not to get too involved in the day to day fallings-out (sounds terrible) whilst keeping that eye out yourself for anything more serious.

Thanks onetoomany - that's my plan.

You know what, sometimes if you tackle a problem head on, early on you can dissolve it. Better that this happened now, however emotional it was for you and other mother (sorry to hear about that, fully understand) - than to escalate and become a fight.

Really hope that combined efforts of parents and school solve it.

Thank you.

I think you did well. Be at peace and have a good night

YANBU. You knew the other mother well enough. I find a problem is usually solved more quickly & effectively if you can speak to the parents. I accept it does depend on what the parents are like, though.

I always speak to ther other mother if the kids have a problem but ours is a small school where everyone knows eachother.

I second the poster who responded about the trails and tribulations of yr 1. I have to say I found yr 1 difficult wiht all 3 of my dds. It is a time when they do grow up and decide who they wnt to play with rather than arbitrarily dashing around a playground as in younger years and are not too delicate about feelings. My dd3 was simultaneously teh offender and offended and had an extremely tough year. Now we are a few months into yr 2 and it is calmer and less frenetic already

That is reassuring, thank you