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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feel upset for not being treated the same as my husband by my in laws??

57 replies

wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:03

I do get something, dont get me wrong and am greatful about it. But my DP will receive usually cheques of £100. My MIL went through a phase of bying clothes on sale, where the original price was what she intended to give me. I have not said anything as I would find it totally inappropriate, but for goodness sake at least remove labels and cover up tracks when taking shortcutts.

I needed to let this one out of the bag as it has been nagging me for the past few years. Feel better already!!

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 21/10/2010 14:08

Don't feel upset because I think what you're experiencing is fairly normal. Well... apart from leaving price-tags on clothes unless she thinks you might want to return the item. Try not to tot up what she spends and remember "it's the thought that counts"

LadyLatherOfIndecision · 21/10/2010 14:08

hmmm, you seem to attach significance to the monetary value of gifts

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 21/10/2010 14:10

Just mug your DP and nick half of his cash.

fedupofnamechanging · 21/10/2010 14:10

Your ILs are bound to favour your DH - he is their son. My parents favour me (although they are lovely to my DH). It's normal.

Original poster
wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:12

Well it is nice once in a while to receive smth decent or money to bay smth decent. It just feels like I'm not as worthy as my DP.

My parents on the other side treat us the same - we recive the same amount of money or presents of same value.

OP posts:
Simbacat · 21/10/2010 14:14

Mt mil bought me a pair of size 5 slippers from bhs every year for 5 years.

I hate slippers. I hate bhs but worse than that

My feet are size 7

I told her the 1st year and she said that couldnt be right-no woman had size 7 feet- It was uncouth - hers are a size3.

In the end I just left them at her house- didnt get another pair.

I just laugh

JinnyS · 21/10/2010 14:17

I'm glad MIL spends less on me because frankly the stuff she does get is not what I would buy for myself and would be wasted.

Cash gifts get shared between us as it's a household income. It may not be what the giver intended but it's they way we even out inequalities.

What annoys me is when she gives more to one child than another or more to BIL's kids.

MadamDeathstare · 21/10/2010 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:18

I dont have much choice here and am polite of what I receive. The extra money will not make a difference in my life, is just a little thing that nags me whenever is his birthday.

Simbacat, I used to receive slippers every Christmas from BHS. One year I got three pairs of them ( MIL, SIL, BIL - got the feeling must have been one of those deals of by 2 get the third free!!!)

OP posts:
thedollshouse · 21/10/2010 14:19

I think this is normal. Dh usually receives a cheque for £100 whereas I get £10. I hadn't really thought about it before.

mosschops30 · 21/10/2010 14:20

Youre lucky my IL's have never bought me a gift in 10 ywars, apart from this year for my birthday (which I suspect will be a one off as they are now a bit funny with me again).

DH gets nothing from them either, I dont think they believe in presents.
My mum however always sends dh money for his birthday.

WhoAteAgentZigzagsBrain · 21/10/2010 14:20

Grin @ your unladylike size 7s simba

'But my feet are a size 7'

'No they're not'

'Yes, they are'

' No, they're not'

' Yes, I'm afraid they are'... Grin

CappuccinoCarrie · 21/10/2010 14:21

simbacat ROFL at "uncouth" for having size 7 feet!

My mum gives me money every Christmas, and buys something with a lower value for my DH. Funny its never occurred to me that its odd, she's my mum not his, but I'll ask DH later how he feels about it, although I'd have thought if it was a problem he'd have mentioned it. Mind you his parents prob buy me more than they get him since I always have a long list and he only ever wants books tokens!

Original poster
wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:22

JinnyS I have more children than SIL so it has been accepted that mine would receive less per child, while SIL 's only DC would receiver triple.

Its propably all this little things that give me the feeling that I am not part of the faimily. But I guess whiging about it will not change much either.

OP posts:
Simbacat · 21/10/2010 14:22

I don't think she was meaning to be rude- she is very nice.

I just think she didn't believe that a woman could have size 7 feet!

Bramshott · 21/10/2010 14:24

Does it really matter what things cost?!

ManiDeadi · 21/10/2010 14:25

Grin at Simba

I'm so confused.

MIL is your DH's mother and you are concerned about getting less than him?

And if you are married then surely it doesn't matter as all your money goes towards the same pot?

[hconfused]

ManiDeadi · 21/10/2010 14:26

Why is there not a halloween confused?

Confused
JinnyS · 21/10/2010 14:26

Yes that makes sense if there's differing numbers of children. We have the same numbers and one year mine got a tenner each and BILs got £30. Last birthday my oldest got £20 and my youngest £25 and there's only days between their birthdays so it was really noticeable. I was out of favour that year though.

I don't mind about not being part of a family that does that.

Original poster
wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:28

ManiDeadi is the fact that my DP gets treated the same as me from my parents, but I feel that it is not reciprocated from DP family.

I guess I should have started the thread of being cross with my parents for not favoring me...Hmm

OP posts:
ManiDeadi · 21/10/2010 14:30

Well I think that is more of a point there then wayoftheworld.

My parents spend more on me than my DH.

Dh's parents spend more on him than me.

Everyone spends equal amounts on their grandchildren.

Quite a good system imo.

verytellytubby · 21/10/2010 14:33

My parents have stopped buying DH presents. No idea why.

His parents always buy him something for the house.

From my parents I get cash and his give me vouchers for a nice shop (Jigsaw) so I am the winner Grin

He hasn't noticed!

Simbacat · 21/10/2010 14:33

My dh has no idea what he receives. I open all the post and cheques are banked before he gets a look in.

Giddyup · 21/10/2010 14:34

I think my family and DP's treat us fairly equally for birthdays and Christmas. But why would it matter if you are given presents purchased at full price or in a sale? Who gives a shit? why would it matter? you end up with the same gift, but MIL has a few more pennies in her purse

WriterofDreams · 21/10/2010 14:35

Surely any money given to your DP is for you too? If my ILs give my DH money they don't give me anything separate as they assume (quite rightly) that whatever money they give to him will be used for the benefit of both of us.

That said, when it comes to actual presents MIL actually gives more to me than to DH! She has two sons and I think she always wanted a daughter. The first few years we were going out I was inundated with presents, sometimes out of the blue, of things like jewellry and clothes. It's calmed down a bit now but usually she spends quite a lot on presents for me (which unfortunately are usually not to my taste, but who cares) while DH gets a heap of tat!