Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

feel upset for not being treated the same as my husband by my in laws??

57 replies

wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:03

I do get something, dont get me wrong and am greatful about it. But my DP will receive usually cheques of £100. My MIL went through a phase of bying clothes on sale, where the original price was what she intended to give me. I have not said anything as I would find it totally inappropriate, but for goodness sake at least remove labels and cover up tracks when taking shortcutts.

I needed to let this one out of the bag as it has been nagging me for the past few years. Feel better already!!

OP posts:

thedollshouse · 21/10/2010 14:36

I don't really get the thing about making sure things have the same monetary value.

My mum asked me what the boys wanted for Christmas and phoned today to say that she was going to get some more bits for ds1 as the gift for ds2 was £10 more. I told her not to be so silly, it really isn't important. I don't want the boys to grow up comparing price tags.

Original poster

wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 14:41

gidiup and thedollshouse you are absolutly right- a present is a present even if it comes from the sale. But at least remove the price tag of sale £5 when the original was £50- which is my allowence by the way!!

Again I am thankful for it, but when is DP birthday I do feel a bit of frustaration rising up...so am venting some of it here!

OP posts:

pommedeterre · 21/10/2010 15:56

My mum tends to buy us more 'joint' presents at Xmas - blenders/slow cookers etc and tries really hard to buy something good for dh for his birthday. She prob does spend more on me for my birthday because we go shopping a lot together and she is likely to say 'oo let me buy you it for your birthday' from about two months before. Lovely lady.
MIL prob does spend more on dh than me but is not really very good with presents so I'd rather it was like that as it is just a waste of money otherwise. I worry that they spend more than they can afford on dd at the moment, esp as not being great with presents it's hard to use them up (huge furry snow suit in the size she was from june to september for example...). So I actually think it is better like that.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/10/2010 16:02

Am so about "uncouth" feet. Mine are size 9 but very slim (even though I'm not!) and they are ever so couth. I am, you might say, very attached to my feet. Which is just as well, really.

DooinMeCleanin · 21/10/2010 16:06

Er your Mil I presume is your DP's mum? ergo he is more important to her than you are.

Deux · 21/10/2010 16:11

OP, I am with you completely on this one.

My parents would never dream of spending less on my DH than on me at Christmas or birthdays. In their eyes, my DH became their 'son' when we married so therefore, we are treated equally. He is not called son-in-law for nothing!

My ILs on the other hand don't share this view. Even more weird is the sliding scale that they operate when it comes to their sons and daughters in law.

The longer you've been in the family, the more you get . Seriously. This was brought into sharp focus one year when we were all given cash and the amounts all varied. The greatest amount went to the longest married, a bit like a long-service award.

And goodness, heaven forbid if you are not married, well you are bottom of the heap, a tenner if you are lucky.

I am surprised so many posters think this inequity is OK.

maryz · 21/10/2010 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flibbertyjibbet · 21/10/2010 16:21

The OP does seem to put a lot of store by the financial value of presents.
However I disagree totallly with the concept of grandparents allocating present money for the grandchildren 'by family.
I have two children. One of my sisters has 3 children, the other has 6. I would never ever expect my parents to spend 3 x less per child on on lot of their grandchildren than mine, or 2 x less on the other lot.
Thats just outrageous imo.

maryz · 21/10/2010 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twolittleflyingmonkeys · 21/10/2010 16:30

I feel guilty because my mum usually spends more on me than on DH, but DH's dad makes absolutely certain we get equal amounts, though in his case we are told precisely what the budget is and effectively buy and wrap our own presents - he is hopeless at presents and will find and wrap random crap from round the house for birthdays if we don't buy our own. The best (or worst?) year, my SIL on her first Christmas with the family, was given a pot of face cream - she made all the right noises and opened it up only to find it was half-used, therefore clearly once belonged to her now-deceased MIL whom she'd never met. Nice.

twolittleflyingmonkeys · 21/10/2010 16:31

Oh, my dad and stepmum usually forget DH's birthday but for mine they send a cheque for £50 so I use it for a nice meal out for the two of us to make up for the lack of a present for DH.

madonnawhore · 21/10/2010 16:40

I had to stop reading at "size 7 feet".

Disgusted.

MyMamaToldMe · 21/10/2010 16:50

Just be pleased that your IL's even give you something!

Original poster

wayoftheworld · 21/10/2010 17:14

Yes I am pleased to receive at least smth. Only had this "strange notion" in my head that i was part of the family and therefore will be treated the same way.

I am usually ok about this, as I have seen from other people writtings above, is not that unusual. But need to let go and concentrate on my family...I might be doing the same when I become a MIL (hope not )

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 21/10/2010 17:41

I'm the same as the OP. DH gets treated exactly the same by my family, but I'm treated like a second class citizen by his. Bitter, moi?

oranges · 21/10/2010 17:49

My parents spend more on dp than me.Classic year when they gave him a flat screen tv he'd been hankering after,and gave me a packet of pot pourri.

bendybanana · 21/10/2010 18:01

I buy specific pressies for people through out the year and will do extra shops in November. My mother in law stock piles pressies during the year too but then will just give you whatever she has in rather than checking that things are suitable. DH ended up with a cross word pad - a cross word for every day of the year despite him never having done a cross word in his life!! She always tends to give my kids some vile second hand soft toy dog each year and recently gave them both a old lady knitted doll loo roll type holder thing - both dolls were holding potpori. They also tend to favor all their daughters - paying thousands towards their weddings and hunderds towards their baby equipment. She isn't a very nice person anyway so I consider myself lucky not to have much to do with her. I find it quite funny mostly and just roll my eyes!

SweetKate · 21/10/2010 18:15

My parents always give me and DH the same amount for birthdays and Christmas - we always get a cheque then DH usually gets a bottle of wine and I get some smellies (so we have something to open on the day ). Kids also get same value cheque and small gift.

PIL's give DH huge cheque and me small cheque. Kids get a present only - usually something PIL's have asked if we think is suitable, we say no, but they usually have bought it anyway. Our house is cluttered with plastic junk that breaks in five minutes.

DH then wonders why I am negative about his parents ....

GreenStinkingStumpSleeves · 21/10/2010 18:19

my MIL doesn't mark my birthdays in any way

she sends money for dh and the boys' birthdays

I don't feel offended by it, I don't know why I don't but it just isn't something that has ever rankled

she has bailed us out of the shit a few times when we have really needed it, which is something I deeply appreciate and never expect

I think she just doesn't know when my birthday is tbh

DialMforMother · 21/10/2010 18:21

I got a pair of m&s on sale slippers one year for my uncouth size 7s. Dh also receives fuck all and, excitingly, it seems that this quaint family tradition is to continue as dd is 5 months and has yet to see a gift from her paternal gps.

Am trying to decide what I will say if she gets nothing for her first Christmas as seems likely...

Might post for suggestions.

Tortington · 21/10/2010 18:21

i dont understand why you get presents at all if you ahve kids.

thems my rules anyway.

the kids get the presents when my kids have some, not my kids.

TattyDevine · 21/10/2010 18:24

Every year when we are all together my mother in law asks Brother in Law (by marriage, so he's like me, not a blood relative) to take a photo of her with her 3 children. The wives/husbands of the 3 children stand around waiting for this to be done looking like lemons.

Last year I suggested she have one taken of all of us, but just cut us out after it was printed.

She looked at me like this and BIL just went and husband

I won that round.

LittleRedPumpkin · 21/10/2010 18:27

Eh? My MIL likes me and gave a speech at my wedding saying how she felt as if she now had the daughter she'd always wanted ... she still doesn't treat me the same as DH, why would she?

SeaTrek · 21/10/2010 18:28

I thought that was pretty normal tbh.

The ILs have a gift budget of £30 for me and £60 for DH. They also give £60 to their daughter and £30 to her spouse (in gifts).

What I do find odd is that they stick to that exact amount - making it up with any kind of tat if needed (hence last Christmas my DH recieving a toy vacuum cleaner that didn't suck in addition to his main present).

I'm really not in to gifts at all, and I would much rather they bought me nothing and simply reciprocated our dinners more (we used to have them over loads for meals until I get fed up of never being invited back).

MumInBeds · 21/10/2010 18:32

What do you mean by £50 being your allowance, OP?

Flip

1 2 3